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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

sex after a baby.....

29 replies

maisiemoosmum · 16/06/2006 17:05

can anyone help or relate to this. without being too graphic, i have totally gone off sex. my dd is 8 months now. my partner is getting really annoyed with me and i feel like i am letting him down. i had a tear in my cervix and a torn clitoral hood after the birth so nothing was going near me! then i lost all my lovely pregnancy curves and hated my body. but the injuries have healed now (although those parts are more sensitive than they used to be) and i'm used to my skinny minny body again. so whats up with me? i love my partner, i fancy my partner but i just have no desire to have sex. lets just say i now have to be considerably stimulated before hand. i want to be able to just feel turned on again like i used to. it is starting to put a strain on our relationship. i feel like it is all my fault even though i don't want to feel like this and i am too embarassed to go to the doctor about it. is this normal or is there some other underlying problem that is causing this. i know everyone goes off it a bit but not for 8 months. i can probably count on both hands the number of times we have made love since the birth. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease someone help.

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shazronnie · 16/06/2006 17:09

After both births I have had low libido for ages!!
I blame breastfeeding, because the urge seems to return when I have nearly stopped.

But also it is difficult when you are tired.

Are you on mini pill? That is often blamed for such probs too.

adozenroses · 16/06/2006 17:20

I went off sex for at least a year after having ds. He is now 2 and sex is certainly not regular and I have to be completely in the mood. I think this is very common. Your body has gone through so many changes/injuries, etc. It just takes time to get back to normal!

Me and dh used to argue about this a while ago, nut he is understanding now - although I often get comments about he can't remember what sex is, and I might forget how to do!!

Men have a one track mind sometimesGrin

maisiemoosmum · 16/06/2006 17:22

no, i'm not on the pill. in fact we would like to have another baby. my partner is 14 years older than me so we would like to have them close together. i am tired quite a lot, but that never used to stop me! i try to explain to my partner but he just takes it personally and i feel like a total a*se. we are both pretty miserable with the situation but i can't shake myself out of it. does anyone know any libido enhancing (legal) substances (foods or supplements)? i feel desperate to resolve this. i would go to the gp to discuss it but i don't want to be fobbed off as being a 'silly woman', and i'm not sure if they would do anything to help anyway. i feel so guilty pushing him away but i also feel awful just 'doing it' out of duty. i want to enjoy it too y'know?

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CarmenH · 17/06/2006 20:44

I'm not sure if you'll find this helpful but I think that sometimes you have to do sexy stuff to get your libido back a bit to want to do more sexy stuff. So maybe you could decide to do some sexual activities without any pressure on you. You may find that once you start you want to have sex more.

shazronnie · 17/06/2006 20:54

Good advice from carmen; I like to have a bath with DH, glass of wine, cuddle on sofa etc. Feeling leapt upon is not good!

Perhaps take the pressure off by agreeing a period of only kissing? It gets teenagers in the mood!!!

mumbum · 18/06/2006 10:29

Hi All. This is my first time on mumsnet as only discovered it when searching web for solutions to my boredom and loneliness! Anyway, can totally relate to this conversation!

My DS is 6 months. We had sex for first time at 8 weeks and this was only because I'd had my smear so new it wouldn't be that sore but there were no sparks and earth movings - trust me. It was on and off just to test the waters! Since then we've done it, hmmm, 3 times? Are you breastfeeding MMM?

mumbum · 18/06/2006 10:34

I ask because, for me, boob stimulation is a big thing to put me in the mood but can't get past the mind block that my boobs are my DS's dinner! Also leaky boobs upon stimulation is sooo off putting!!!

Anyway, I agree with CarmenH - GET SEXY! But I would suggest you try surprising DH - get the underwear, some Barry White, candles etc and give him a wee treat when he least expects it. And let him know you're running the show - don't let him touch you tell you say so, slowly undress him - all that kinky stuff we did when we were carefree and in the honeymoon stage of a relationship!

mumbum · 18/06/2006 10:36

And don't worry about needing lots of foreplay to get you in the mood - the anticipation for the guy of a long build up should excite him more!

shazronnie · 18/06/2006 12:50

welcome to mumsnet mumbum!
I can't let DH touch my boobs when bf either!

mumbum · 18/06/2006 12:56

It's so frustrating! Men just think with their winkies and walnuts but we have to bloomin' think with our minds. Definitely a case of mind over matter! Repeat after me, "They're not just for DS/DD, they're not just for DS/DD!"

I have to say though I feel my libido returning slightly now that DS is onto solids and not just milk.

3 cheers for the leaky boob brigade! Grin

psychomum5 · 18/06/2006 13:06

PMSL at the 'winkies and walnuts' comment mumbumGrin

maisiemoosmum · 18/06/2006 23:49

hi all. thanks for all the advice. tried the bath / sexy stuff. dp just sees it as a chore i think. like 'what? i have to do all that everytime i wanna sh*g?' (such romantic whisperings of love to make any woman melt ay?)

Shock "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH man, will you ever listen with your EARS instead of your WILLY"!?

it seems he thinks raising his eyes ceilingward and winking is sufficient & the ultimate turn on!

i tell you, i'm fed up ladies. AND THEN - dp decides he has stuff to do today and off he goes out - his first fathers day too. the swine!

being a downright sh*t at the min and feel like whacking him with a frying pan 'pauline fowler style'! sorry, i do love him, just needed a good old rant! men are a right bunch of silly sods at times aren't they.... Angry xxxx

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mumbum · 19/06/2006 16:28

Even more so when the World Cup is on! Father's Day? Isn't every day Father's day!!!!

maisiemoosmum · 19/06/2006 18:39

Grin he he

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maisiemoosmum · 20/06/2006 21:40

dp has moved out for a bit. i know it's horrible, but i feel so relieved! it is a total joy to go to bed and not have to think 'oh please no! not tonight' but i am hoping this break from each other will get my old loins a-stirring when i see him again. remember that feeling ladies? i have invited him to see dd tomorrow and have planned a nice meal, so fingers crossed i will be able to get in the mood. i will come back and give all the gory details (though not tmiBlush) as i note from another thread on this subject i am far from alone.

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mumbum · 21/06/2006 09:06

Let us know MMM how the dinner goes - good luck! A break is probably the right move otherwise you'd end up snapping at one another which isn't good for the wee one

maisiemoosmum · 21/06/2006 23:01

long story short - HORRIBLE. made a real effort getting ready, didn't even comment. then had a sad on as DD 'wasn't bothered to see him'. she's 8 months old? accused me of 'starting' when i asked his opinion about the patio. he did compliment the meal, but once that was finished it was, 'right are you gonna get DD in bed or what' because he wanted sex. we had a cuddle on sofa which was nice, but then he had to take it further. i just didn't want to though, especially knowing he was gonna leave in about half an hour. i didn't push him away, i just didn't respond to his advances. he's now buggered off in a huff. am i strange for needing some affection that doesn't result in or consist of sex? i feel so stupid at the min & very fed up x

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MrsDoolittle · 25/06/2006 21:28

I encourage dh to go and see Mrs Palmer and her five daughters

Ds is 19 weeks.

PrettyCandles · 25/06/2006 21:46

Oh how frustrating for you. It's perfectly normal to go off sex after having had a baby, even for so long. Sex for us was completely different after baby, and certainly didin't resume for longer than either of us would have wished.

It's really unlucky that your dp has a one-track view of sex. Men turn on so easily that they don't seem to realise that women don't necessarily do so as well. What's more, the less they have the more they want it and the faster they turn on (BTW, I may be making sweeping statements here, I'm not hugely experienced, so feel free to shoot me down), whereas IME I get out of the habit if I don't have much sex. My head may want it, but my body doesn't necessarily cooperate.

Something which worked for me - but requires the full understanding and cooperation of the parnter - was to have an agreement that we would not have sex. Let the cuddlign go further and further each time, get more and more intimate, more heavy-petting teenagerish over a fairly long period. Not a specified period, but completely open-ended, weeks or even months. But never get to complete sex, not even getting him off. (If he feels frustrated by this, well he'll have to go visit Mrs Palm in the bathroom, because at this point you're not doing it.)

The lack of pressure on you to 'perform', and the lack of apprehension over whether you are going to go all the way, is very relaxing, and gradually each time gets more and more exciting, until eventually you initiate the next stage, whatever you want it to be. And when you finally get roudn to doing the whole business, you want it.

I also second the suggestion of baths together. Lots of gentle, delicate intimacy.

Another point is that you may be run down - 8m is still a very young baby and hard work. Try taking a good multivitamina nd mineral supplement to help boost you.

PrettyCandles · 25/06/2006 21:50

Oh bother. Sorry, I didn't read the whole of the thread - that post of mine must sound really insensitive.

You're not at all weird to want affection rathe rthan sex. It's so normal. Not just the hormonal changes that affect you from having a baby, but also the sh*t your body has been through. What a shame he's not a bit more sensitive to your needs. You're not there just to serve his needs. Oh I wish I knew what to suggest. Is it possible that he really doesn't understand what you need?

bouncybecky · 26/06/2006 07:55

i am going to have a c-section on the 3rd July and was wondering if anyone could tell me how they felt towards sex after a c-section

maisiemoosmum · 26/06/2006 11:46

thanks pc. i do feel pretty knackered out running round after dd, so i will try some vitamins and try perking myself up. he visitied at the weekend and we made love (which i didn't really want to do, just did it to keep him happy), the next morning he reckons i must have had sex with someone else the night before because my ladybits felt 'larger' than normal. as far as i know sex doesn't make your ladybits permanently stretch does it? stupid man! needless to say i hit the bloody roof! it's hard enough to feel sexy with him and i love him. the thought of anyone else is totally out of the question. we split up! ended up having a big texting war with him. think i've finally made him see i'm not doing this on purpose, that it is actually something physical & mental going on stopping me feel turned on. think we are sorting it out now. i asked him for support and understanding and tlc instead of grief! have to wait and see how it pans out. but to tell the truth though i am going off men more and more by the day! dp sounds like a total b**tard doesn't he. he's not all bad. just a selfish silly idiot with his brains in his pants.

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warthog · 26/06/2006 12:45

bloody men!

once saw a program where there was a loss of libido in one partner. they followed this routine:
first 3 weeks (or time period you feel comfortable), only holding hands, light kiss, hugs
second 3 weeks, more intimate (as you feel comfortable)
third 3 weeks, ramp it up more until you feel ready to go all the way.
but basically the ground rules are so you can start feeling comfortable with him, and he's not going to jump on you or pressurise you to go the whole way. but he's got to sign up to this too.

i totally agree - i can't feel relaxed and comfortable or even remotely sexy if i feel i'm going to be jumped on at any second. a total turn off. and i hate being groped all the time.

he needs to seriously start making an effort to understand and not making out that it's just your problem.

themoon66 · 26/06/2006 12:56

Oh I can seriously identify with this thread. It would be lovely to have cuddle that doesn't end up with his hand down my knickers or up my jumper!

This sounds horrible, but the only time I can say we've had a proper enjoyable comforting cuddle was when DH's dad died and I had to comfort him.

Being groped and pounced on is an instant turn off. TBH the nights he is away for work are lovely. Whole bed to myself and can read my book for as long as I like, without being grabbed half way through a chapter.

Am coming back as a bloke in my next life... imagine being turned on like a lightswitch. So easy.

maisiemoosmum · 04/07/2006 11:48

hi everyone, thank you for all your support. i think dp has done enough with his dipstick, i found out yesterday i am pregnant again! that'll teach him to moan!!

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