"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's August 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's. 

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. 

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0553814826/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0553814826&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.</a>

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Alice Miller</a>

<a class="break-all" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Personality Disorders definition</a>

More helpful links:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Daughters of narcissistic mothers</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://outofthefog.net/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Out of the FOG</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">You carry the cure in your own heart</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Help for adult children of child abuse</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.pete-walker.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pete Walker</a>

Some books:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749910542/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0749910542&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Homecoming</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1439129436/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1439129436&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Will I ever be good enough?</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0060929324/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0060929324&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">If you had controlling parents</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">When you and your mother can't be friends</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1572245611/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1572245611&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Children of the self-absorbed</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671701355/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0671701355&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Recovery of your inner child</a>

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield: 

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Happy Posting

Thing is I wrap Christmas present for family . I don't know why? Because I don't think I should give them anything do you? Either way I can't win. I feel bad if I do give them and bad if I don't. I just think its mixed messages. I feel like I have to buy gifts, but on the other hand I really feel angry for how I've been treated. So anyone with more wisdom. Which is the better route to go down so I feel happy inside. Is it better to not give and just fight through the pain and guilt or give the gifts and feel a bit bad but not as guilty. Anyone tried not giving one year. Is it the better way to free myself from such pain.

I meant if I go down the route of not giving eventually will I feel happier inside. Can they ever change? Is it better to send out the message that I won't tolerate there behaviour like I haven't been seeing mum or dad and I've come so far should i see it through. Will presents send out the wrong message? But what do I hope to gain? They won't apologise will they ? Or will they?

Bedtime I hope that by not giving presents to people that have hurt you and continue to hurt you, will make you feel more liberated and more in control. Thats what I am hoping will happen for me, after all, how can you feel worse? I don't think anyone will apologise after realising you have not sent a gift, and they will probably use it as another stick to beat you with when talking to their "friends". But you have no control over them, all you can do is control what you do, and that is a massive gain for you.

I have bought presents but haven't yet decided whether I will make contact to give them yet. I am sort of hoping (although I know I shouldn't) that my mum will get in touch and have gifts for my children. The longer it goes on the less likely that will be and it makes my heart break for them. As long as I live and whatever path I take with regards my relationship with her, I will never ever understand how she could treat these 2 innocent babies like this.

I had some contact with my sister this week because I was asking what I could get my nephew for Xmas. All the time contact is at this very high level it is ok. As soon as I mention perhaps meeting up or getting the children together she doesn't reply. My mum has certainly done a good job on her and I will never forgive her for the damage she has done there. I've been reading alot about narcissism and she definitely fits the description in so many areas.

I'm not buying any of them a thing.

Don't have their addresses anyway, and wouldn't go down to see them.

They'll probably post something. Nothing I can do to stop that.

Sister sent something last year. I sent it back as it had her return address on it. Didn't even open it. The birthday present she sent to me via my mum, delivered to me by my mum, despite me telling her I didn't want it, I took back to my mum's house and left it there.

Reject, reject, reject.

If they reject us in our darkest hours, if they cause or deliberately exacerbate those dark times, and try to ruin any of our personal achievements somehow, why should we invite them to share the good parts of our lives?

Why should they be rewarded with our presence (or presents for that matter)? :)

If they were random people we knew and treated us/our families like this, would we bother?

No, I don't believe we would. Why is the situation any different here?

Our families need to be held to higher accounts than mere acquaintances. We need to expect and demand more/better from 'blood' than from water.

I haven't bought Christmas or birthday presents for my family of origin for years now and it's a relief.

Firsttimer - I hear you, the expectations and presumptions make it very hard when you don't come from a "normal" family; I think the approach of Christmas ratchets up the anxiety for a lot of us who are NC or have strained relationships.

For us, Christmas is just about our family, which is me, DH and DS, who is 6. So a fantastic age for it! It's good just to have time together and of course for him, it's just present heaven - the fact we're not going out buying stuff for them means there's more in the pot for just spoiling him rotten with! (Although of course he still thinks it comes on a sleigh ) Also MIL will come and stay for a few days, and she and DS adore each other.

Many thanks for the positive responses to my last post, I do work on this stuff a lot, so I'm very glad if what I come up with makes sense and is helpful to others.

I have been reading this thread back a bit and so much resonates its scary. Just on the previous page I read this

It's painful to watch a narcissist "interact" with their grandchild.Mostly because there's not much interaction.And what little there is is so brief and shallow that it hardly rates as a true encounter. More like a hit and run.Not only do you feel bad that your poor kid doesn't have a real grandparent and is missing out on such a special relationship, you can't help but be reminded that's exactly what you had to deal with for most of your life

This is so accurate its frightening. I feel as if I finally have been understood. There is also a bit about the competition for affection. This is what my mum did with my eldest when first born. If I was having a tough day she would coo at him "oh come on xxxx, come home with me. I'll look after you much better than mummy. Look she just has no idea how to take care if you". Then she would laugh to make out she was joking but she wasn't. Her intent was clear. At least to me. It was only when it was apparent that ds and I shared an amazing bond that she couldn't break that she turned on him saying he was weird because he wanted to be with me etc.

Going to keep reading. I feel like I'm having some sort of revelation!

Scotty just had to say I completely understand - so much of it here IS a revelation. And a validation. That helps so much, to get it out & realise that in this bad world there are many of us who have had shit experiences in childhood, but we can get through it now, it was wrong, they are wrong & we deserve to create happy lives now & in the future for ourselves & out own kids ( if we have them)

Keep posting, there is always someone here listening x

Gosh it has been one of those weekends and i feel like ripping my hair out in regards to dh.

He has been acting oddly for the last few days now, under the FOG and rather snappy.

Like i said upthread mil in particular is stepping up her campaign, in preparation for Christmas and has been texting dh on a daily basis and trying to phone him at work. Not once has he told me of these texts or calls, i only know because i snooped due to his behaviour.

I do admit to him i see these texts, but he doesn't have much to say.
He had a text last night from her saying "how's my fav son", i saw it flash up, he didn't reply and 5 mins later the landline starts ringing, it's her, we ignore it, then his mobile starts ringing, he ignores it.
All well and good he is ignoring it but even the presence of the texts and missed calls is really affecting him and ultimately i & the children suffer too as he is so withdrawn & snappy.

I don't know what i want, but i just wish he would change the phone numbers as her constant instrusion is causing so much guilt within him i cannot see no other solution.
I obviously cannot ask him to do this, he needs to do it off his own back, but nether the less mil constant daily ringing & texts affects him, which then has a knock on affect on our daily lifes

I'm getting to the point of not being able to cope and just want to take the bull by the horns and tell her where to go and change the numbers myself but i know in reality it isn't a good idea trying to control a grown man, nor is it my place.

She also left a voicemail on his mobile, which he deleted, he has been worse since then and he will not open up and tell me it ever took place.

I find his family bring out distrust and lies ie: him lying & me having to snoop obtain the truth.

Every year around october the campaign starts and doesn't get alot better until Christmas is over and all the january birthdays are over with. This year is set to get worse, with newbaby being due very early january. And if mil cannot wake up and realise she won't be seeing dc at Christmas, what sort of shit does she have planned for my impending birth.
I need dh out of the fog as i could give birth from 37 weeks (which is next week) up until mid january if i go over dates.

Anyone have any advice of how to deal with this situation.
Fwiw i don't directly slag his family off as he won't have a bad word uttered of them and i try to hug him & be there for him when he is down but he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't open up and i'm starting to get worried and sad that i can't deal with this anymore, atleast not whilst he chooses to take it out on me and keep taking shit from mil.

Anyone have any advice Tia x

pumpkinsweetie,

Oh your DH is so deep in the FOG isn't he?. It may always be the case as well. He is hurting his own self here really by not defending his own self and his own family unit. He likely does not want to countenance the thought that his mother is an utter cow who has let him and continues to utterly let him down. He may well think on some level that it is his fault or continues to believe the fallacy that such people, if you keep going back for me, will somehow change. Keeping on going back for more though just leaves him wide open to receive yet more abuse from her.

I would block MIL from contacting your landline and install an answering machine or at the very least caller id on your phone (this will display the number).

I would certainly keep all your children away from her because if she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, she is certainly too toxic for your children to have any form of contact with. You and your children need to be totally No Contact with his family.

Would your DH be at all willing to read this site:-

www.lightshouse.org/#axzz2mt9vPLKQ

I think he's still very much under some kind of control, but what it all screams at me is paralysis by fear.

He IS deleting her messages, he isn't answering her calls, so therefore he isn't 'going bac, time and time again'. But he is stuck.

He's too afraid to take the next step.

How to help him? I dunno, but supporting him all the way and reassuring him that he absolutely doesn't have to hide these calls/texts etc from you, but restating that she can't have access to your family as it's not good/healthy/safe for any of you, seems to me to be what i'd need in order to garner the strength to make that leap.

Thankyou Atilla you are very much right, i think he blames himself and doesn't yet see it is her that is the problem (along with the rest of the il clan)!

In a completely fucked up way i believe he feels he owes them something, aswell as looking for acceptance and the expectation they will/have changed and everything can be hunky dory but i think really deep down he knows subconsiously of their true intentions but trying to tap into that part of him becomes very hard this time of year.

I also think he is scared, in many ways he is like a frightened little boy and unfortunetly i don't know the whole story of his childhood, not even after 9 years of knowing him. All i know is that fil beat him, and mil (although never admitted by him) is the enabler and i would say she is emotionally abusive in many ways.
I think there is more to it, i think more happened than he will ever tell me.

Thing is i have told him he needn't be frightened by them anymore, he has the choice now he is grown up to choose how much or little contact he has, but i don't think he has the guts to truly severe ties just yet, but he needs to imho before this tears our own little family apart.

I have tried getting him to see a councillor, i asked last year, and he is still of the same opinion they are Quacks etc and i have asked whether he'd like to read the books available but he is uninterested and will not entertain it. I'm hoping he will look at the lighthouse link but again it will take much persuastion.

He needs to realise it is okay to change his number, and it's ok not to be expected to do anything they ask.

Fwiw i & the children have been next to 0% contact since last August & remain so for forever more. No amount of pressure will open up the portal for me as i know my children are not safe around these people.
The only contact i have had is the one visit in April i very much regret and a few FB messages of which i completely ignore. I have so far also disallowed them seeing all my posts & pics on Fb and intend to completely delete mil & sil2 as soon as things die down

Yes Hissy i agree very much so that he is still under some kind of control.
I wouldn't be surprised if things have been said/texted out of turn via his phone which i have no knowledge of and maybe at a guess this could be them trying to pull him in again.

Yes he has to establish his own boundaries here with regards to them and to do that he will need time and space away from his parents. The problem also here is that his parents never let him establish any boundaries and as such your H remains beholden to them.

The problem when trying to set boundaries with toxic parents is that no matter what they have done, they are our parents and we love them and usually do not want to hurt them. Meanwhile, the toxic parents have no similar qualms and are often willing to hurt us over and over. Often in cases like this the abused child (even when an adult) has over-identified with the abusive parent in an effort to gain approval that is never going to come.

Setting firm boundaries with toxic parents, then, is essential for the following reasons:

•To protect yourself and your family from future hurt, as I have stated above
•To honour and love yourself. You would not allow anyone else you loved to be subject to this treatment, and you deserve that same love from yourself. Furthermore, to not set healthy boundaries is to passively and unintentionally take the side of your abusers. What would you think about an adult who had witnessed your father’s abuse when you were a child and done nothing to stop it? You are now that adult with a responsibility to do something to stop what is happening.
•To make clear to toxic parents what is and is not acceptable and on what grounds they may choose to have a relationship with you.
•Setting proper boundaries with parents is an important part of teaching your children about setting proper boundaries with you. Of course, since you are non-toxic, you will want your children to feel strong enough to do this if there is ever a time they need to be clear with you about something. Your toxic parent(s) will be less excited that you have chosen to do it with them. That is because a large part of being toxic is not understanding or recognizing boundaries.

Remind me pumpkin how long has it been since you all knew they were toxic and the subject of NC was first broached?

It is a painfully slow process. He has a lifetime of abuse/manipulation and fear to overcome.

I started to realise their behaviours were not of the norm around 3 years ago, but at that time didn't know dh was beaten. I only discovered this just over a year ago.

I & dc went nc & stopped allowing their weekly visits last August, aswell as all other contact and visits.

Dh stamped his feet on the matter for a long while and he kept trying to manipulate me into opening up contact again until 2 months ago when things came to a head when he threatened to walk out on me and take our dc to see his family regardless of my feelings & reasons.
My Dm had it out with him & got right into his head on a night out and since then he did indeed realise he doesn't want the same future for our dc as he had, although mil has been digging her heels in since the samish time harping on about when she can next see dc!

Dh himself hasn't physically seen any of them to my knowledge for around 3 months, but has taken and made phonecalls throughout the whole year and 4 months since i & dc went nc.
He also went to see them on various days such as last boxing day, their birthdays and a few other odd days.
Mainly due to mil using gifts as bargaining tools and pil expecting expensive gifts on their own birthdays. Mil bought for dc last xmas but used the gifts as a ploy to get him round there, although my dc didn't actually recieve the gifts until April this year. I didn't want these gifts and wanted to send them back but fil had cruely dumped them on the doorstep so children had already seen them

So, he's come a long way in quite a short time then?

Sounds like it's about par for the course, really.

I think the fact that he doesn't want the life he had for your dc is possibly the biggest hook you have so far.

He doesn't want this to be happening. He wants it all to stop. But it won't, and he's too frightened to make it stop, because he knows there'll be repercussions for him.

Keep on doing what you do.

Any chance you could arrange to go away for Christmas/birthdays in the future? Leaving mobiles at home? :)

Your dc are a year older and perhaps need to know age appropriate truth. The presents can go back. They have plenty already.

You could always take them in, hide them, then send em back after christmas..

Eek, you know I said earlier that it looked like mum's finally stopped.

Well she's switched from Saturday to Sunday :( I genuinely did miss the call though, as was at swimming pool for ds lessons.

I have a voicemail. :(

Listen or delete?

Hissy sorry to hear you have had a voicemail, i would listen to it only if i could cope with what she had to say, if not then delete. I suspose it depends what's normally contained in them.

In regards to my dh, he has come a long way in a year and maybe that is what pil hate so much.

If they send gifts this year i plan on giving them away to the needy in my area, i'm on a free site on fb where i'm sure people can make good use of the items shall we recieve any.
I doubt dh will like it, but i'm a big believer in not accepting gifts from strangers and that, that are meant with ill intention. And those gifts do undeed come from stranger & are meant with ill intention as we are nc and if the gifts meant anything she wouldn't have waited until April to dump them on my doorstep.
My eldest two are 10 & 7, my 10yo pretty much understands so she is easy to explain to but my 7 is pretty mercernary unfortunetly & my younger ones are 5 & 3, 5yo has sn so they are both too young to turn a wrapped gift away.

The messages are never nasty, just full of denial, minimisation and lots of fingers in ears la la la.

I want them to say "i'm sorry" but they never do. The minimisations that she utters are really annoying.

Here's what I wrote:

"There was an apparently extra long message left for me the week before last. Since then nothing, no assuming mother's putting the ball back in my court to contact them.

I kind of wished i'd heard what she had to say, but the message before was all total denial and there was. More than a hint of blaming me for not allowing her to have my son for a weekend. "Hey, plans change, don't they"

The reason I changed my mind was because she moved without telling me where...

I deleted the message without hearing it (as I did/do most others) I'm thinking that it'd be nice if she had have acknowledged her actions, but that wouldn't have happened would it? If i'd have listened, it'd :ave upset me again wouldn't it?"

Answered my own question there, didn't I?

Am deleting it without listening.

DS has a birthday coming up. She's bound to contact again, then christmas, she's not going to stop for a while yet.

It's been NC since Aug by phone, text early sept.

If she were normal the questions 'what can we do to fix this?' or why are you doing this?' would have come up, wouldn't they? :(

Normal people also wouldn't have verbally ambushed my cousin, telling her how i'd upset my mother would they?

She's determined to make this my fault by ignoring all the evidence that indicates i'm angry/upset by her actions, isn't she?

If she acknowledged that, it'd make her an awful person, and she won't have that.

You did the right thing Hissy

They never aknowlege their actions, it's always "what did i do" "what have i done to deserve this", "what is it i am supposed to have done", "i'm sorry for whatever i'm said to have done" All classics rolled out to me from mil by fb message and similar since texted to dh- suppose it's pretty much text book toxic sayings

Oh gosh i despair....
So's i talk to dh and ask him how he is feeling. He has said he feels guilty, so i said it isn't him who should feel guilty. And i said mil made her bed 4 times and chose to lie in it therefore causing nc non contact with dc & i then said i have to protect the dc from them all, dh then said. "But mum hasn't done anything, none of this is her fault" -oh lord give me strength.

Yes i went nc mainly due to the relevations that came to light about fil being abusive but that isn't the only reason i came to my decision of nc!
It was also because mil was emotionally abusive towards dh & my children and she said one word too many about my eldest dd from another relationship! And i gave her 4 chances to revoke her behaviour and when i gave her the last chance she would ever get, she chose to ignore my rules set in place, which included coming on her own in a taxi. She got fil to drop her right to my doorstep and even had him set foot into my home, she even bought her other grandchild against my wishes and spent zero time with her apparently much loved gc and spent the entire time with my sky remote, acting sheepish and discussing her other gcs!!

Fgs how can he minamilise her actions in all this, she destroyed her last chances of contact, herself.
Why should we all feel guilty she now paying the consequences.
She had 1 chance to many imo.