"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's August 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's. 

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. 

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0553814826/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0553814826&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.</a>

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Alice Miller</a>

<a class="break-all" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Personality Disorders definition</a>

More helpful links:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Daughters of narcissistic mothers</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://outofthefog.net/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Out of the FOG</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">You carry the cure in your own heart</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Help for adult children of child abuse</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.pete-walker.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pete Walker</a>

Some books:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749910542/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0749910542&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Homecoming</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1439129436/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1439129436&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Will I ever be good enough?</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0060929324/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0060929324&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">If you had controlling parents</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">When you and your mother can't be friends</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1572245611/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1572245611&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Children of the self-absorbed</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671701355/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0671701355&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Recovery of your inner child</a>

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield: 

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Happy Posting

Hissy

Yes, I see it a lot in active convos. It is bitter-sweet, I would hope (as we all would) that no one would ever need a thread like this.

:)

I know!

I never for a million years thought that I would ever need this thread. The slow excruciating realisation that I needed to post on here came as a shock.

The numbers of people here that have been dragged in from their own threads! They are all the better for it though!

I used to see the Stately Homes thread and wonder what it was about. I knew my mother was a bit "difficult", but would have said we were close. Then it all went mad and my own thread brought me here.
Mine's being alright atm thanks goodness, possibly helped by not seeing her too much lately.

I stumbled onto Pages's original thread way back then too. Before, I had been (still, at the age of 45) continuing in the belief that I had had a good childhood along with the family myth that all three of us siblings had enjoyed the same upbringing. I was toomanystuffedbears back then.

Last week I received my copy of the Big Red Book published by Adult Children of Alcoholics (World Service Organization) and it is making so much sense in its explanaions of how the toxic environment becomes internalized by youngsters and how the child's coping strategies become their social foundation, (however dysfunctional in normal circumstances) that exist into adulthood.

The Stately Homes thread has provided me with an important platform to tell people my story, which gave the opportunity for me to come out of denial. It provided assistance from others to assist me in the discovery process. It has provided a place where I can listen to/read other people's stories and give them the same kind of support that I was given.

The thread encouraged me to distance myself from my toxic sister, which I did. It also encuraged counseling. I was resistant to that, but with the positive endorsements, I went and it was all good.

My toxic sister is now no contact with me, as I recently posted. It took over five years, but I am there.
THANK YOU everyone!

Good going, Hissy, on maintaining your boundary.
It really is as if you do not exist, isn't it? Except then when you want that to manifest it in reality, they have a tissy fit. Boggles the mind.

Can't praise this thread highly enough AndThe just wish my dh would take a look, would help him a lot i think!

It's thank to this thread i woke up and realised that i don't have to put up with my toxic ils and that their behaviour is something my children don't need in their lifes.
This year will be the second christmas without "woh is me" and i look forward to it much more now although obviously dh finds it hard when ils go on about not seeing dc!

Hi looking for some practical advice to answer a difficult question from a five year old! I have had no contact with my mum for a very long time, about 10 years now. Vile woman tbh who brings nothing but chaos to every relationship in her life. Sorry to sound flippant but it was not an easy decision to make as you know, but the right one. I have no siblings and nc with my dad either (they are still together) I have no regrets but it is a sad situation. However my ds has started to ask questions about where my parents are. I do not want to lie to him but it is a difficult question to answer. Anyone experienced this at all?

I've used "sometimes he was very mean to me. Even grownups behave badly sometimes. You can try to sort it out, but if they keep on being mean, on and on, then in the end you have to say that you can't do any more and simply leave them alone. Like if someone is really mean to you in the playground, and keeps on being mean for weeks and weeks and weeks, in the end you don't want to speak to them any more. "

Marking my place.
Feeling like I somehow need to come to terms with the notion that my mother is never going to be supportive/rational/unconditionally loving/reasonable/able to accept others have feelings too/willing to accept responsibility....and the list goes on....
Gutted. Now HOW to go about the process of accepting and healing so my DC don't suffer the same fate

I may need to return with the full story if anyone is there to listen to get it off my chest?

I'm listening. We all post ad hoc but reply when someone posts x

I'm listening too.

Marking place, will come back tonight and read through
Just wanted to ask if you have cut contact with family how do you go about this with DCs
I told my family about the SA I suffered from my father just before I had ds, they swept it under the rug so to speak and carried on as normal with him (aunt even asked me what I expected I mother to do as they had been married so long) I cut contact with all of them when DS was 1 so he doesn't know them but recently he's asked where my mum is and u don't know what to say, he's only 5 but I'm worried as he gets older he will start to ask more as he has a
LARge family on DHs side but seemingly nothing on mine

I'm not sure hotstepper as I have contact with my mother (father dead), but wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about the SA you suffered and how awful your family were when you told them :( I'm sure someone will be along soon with some ideas/experiences about how to handle DC questions about NC.

Those of you still in contact with toxic parents, are you starting to fret about Christmas? I am beginning to wonder how to handle Christmas day with DM.

Would be a listening ear as well poorincashrichinlove.

Hi Goodtobetter,

re your comment:-

"Those of you still in contact with toxic parents, are you starting to fret about Christmas? I am beginning to wonder how to handle Christmas day with DM".

I would make your own traditions and not involve your mother at all in any of the Christmas celebratory stuff. She will not be happy whether you choose to involve her or not so I would not involve her. Make it a family Christmas for you and yours, do as much or as little as you please. Christmas can be a hard time of year anyway given the emotional expectations (partly media driven to my mind) that these three days place on people.

Am going on holiday for the festive season partly because we need a break but to also get away from the toxic ILs. Also my parents are not really ones for the whole Christmas celebration thing either because my mother is for want of a better term antisocial.

I know you have my best interests at heart Attila and I do understand where you are coming from but I would never hear the end of it if she were left on her own on xmas day, especially as we'll be at the PILs on Xmas Eve and she knows that.
I need to have a good think and plan the day carefully but I was thinking inviting her here for lunch and then having some "end" to it all so I can boot her out home. May well all be a bit awkward though. Will take careful planning.

Will read through all your posts shortly, sorry to hear this thread has moved on again. Always showing that no-one has it easy or anyway near for too long before the toxics set in like concrete!

My dh has a lot to be thinking about at the moment with work, whether to take on a new job and his new driving lessons amongst other things, as do i with pregnancy etc and just when i relax those ils are on the warpath again

So it was fils birthday yesterday, i find out this today. Turns out that mil left text messages & tried to ring dh whilst at work reminding him to remember fils birthday, as did sil.
Dh didn't seem bothered it was fils birthday, hadn't mentioned it to me all day and also didn't send a card or gift.

I believe it's an adults porogative to decide to remember abusive persons birthdays, if dh decided to not bother he is a grown up and doesn't need a reminder like a little kid!
He even had texts of fil moaning.

So today dh is in the fog trapped in guilt again.....
I told him he shouldn't feel guilt when these people treat him with such disrespect and don't bother contacted him unless it's to moan, winge, complaint, want something or they have a problem.

Ah yes Christmas - I can only agree with what Attila has said regarding making your own traditions. Although expected, we stopped travelling to visit DM over Xmas when the dc arrived, but she was always welcome to fit in with our plans if she wanted to. However, DM has preferred to visit my Dsis as firstly I work full time so would not be able to "look after her" in the run up to Xmas, secondly it takes effort to get to us and thirdly part of our tradition is to go to the ILs on Boxing Day and she would be stuck for something to do. One year Dsis decided to travel to Oz for Xmas, much to DM annoyance, but my amusement as she then announced that "Xmas was cancelled". No Mother we are still having it!

This year DSis is off on 28th Dec so we are unlikely to se her over the holiday. When DM was with us the other Sunday she alluded to needing to make Xmas Plans but with my new "smile and nod" attitude I just didn't pick up on the inference of her looking at our kitchen calendar "to work out which day Xmas fell on". The thing is we now have our own traditions, and feel confident enough to stick with them rather than fit in with others.

Pumpkin you and your DH have come so far. You/he are bound to wobble at times but isn't it great that he didn't feel the need to send birthday wishes across in the first place, despite the wheedling going on!

Hi,
Am new here and found this thread by accident.
Brief background....as a child I thought my upbringing was ok. I don't remember much except I was 3 when my sister was born and I was very happy to have a sister. I started school when I was 4 and my new teacher hated me (I later discovered that she chose 1 child every year in her class and made their life a misery and she chose me). She ridiculed me in front of everyone about my handwriting, reading; I had accidents in class and she would make me clean up and the other children would call me names and she didn't stop it. I don't remember telling my parents but now know that they heard from other parents who told them not to do anything - that I was 'coping'. I became withdrawn and had dreams about another 'me' who could fly and become invisible. My gran thought my sister was perfect; she was bright and pretty; her school and my mum and dad thought that too and wanting some attention, I started playing an instrument because my dad did. Eventually my mum and sister also began playing too. Music became my life and my escape. I wasn't allowed to fight with my sister; she got her own way over what tv programme to watch; what shops we went to; she didn't help out at home but I was expected to. When she was 3 she fell down some concrete steps. I was smacked because my mum said I had pushed her. I hadn't. When I was older, I argued with my sister and my dad chased us both. I managed to escape but he pushed my sister down the stairs. My dad hit me so hard that I fell from one side of the room to the other. My mum comforted my sister but told me I'd deserved it. I don't remember anything else from my childhood.
When I was 14 I was groomed by a Police Officer (family friend) who raped me the day before my 16th Birthday. I tried to tell my parents but they didn't want to listen. When they eventually beieved me they told me it was my fault - that I must have encouraged him.
I am now married and have 3 children. My husband also had a dysfunctional upbringing. His parents do their own thing. They said they wanted grandchildren and didn't care if they were 'out of wedlock'. They were disappointed that our eldest was a girl and then my bil had a daughter too. When I was expecting our second child they said 'if it's a girl we don't want it - send it back'. Bil said it was a joke but I don't find it funny. They are not interested in their grandchildren and I've stopped visiting them because my husband just plays on his phone and bites my head off if I suggest he join in (I told him that he was never to speak to me like that again but won't put myself in that situation again either). They don't phone our phone but phone my husband at work. We've tried asking if they could babysit (they've refused and given reasons like 'we're entertaining in tow days time and need to prepare'; 'I'm making a Christmas cake'; 'we're going on holiday next week and I need to pack') so didn't ask again. We asked them to their performances (they sing, dance etc) - they refuse. They don't ask to visit or turn up and only live 10 mins away. Since husband told them he has been diagnosed with Aspergers they haven't phoned him.
I am still in contact with my parents but as I'm working don't see them that often. My sister lives closer to them and they see her more regularly and provide childcare for her (as does my sister's in-laws).
I've had to do everything myself as when my children were small my mum had depression and my sister was in a marriage that wasn't working. I achieved a BA (hons) degree a few years ago...my sister did a diploma but failed the last exam twice (she still hasn't told me and makes out she can do a conversion course - it's 5 years since then!). My relationship with my sister is hard and I try not to phone her as she gets really angry at me every time - even though it's only ever a social call.
Am feeling really down at the moment...think it's coping with family life, work, husband's new diagnosis and not getting any support. I do have friends but am feeling too down to call them at the minute :(

Oh TessD01 what a mess :( Have some and

I think the great thing about being an adult is that we are now in control of our own destinies. We are no longer at the mercy of our families and THEIR toxic ways. You are obviously intelligent and independent (congrats on the BA) so hopefully you are living life for YOU now.

I myself am also brand new to this thread (this is my first post!) I have been no-contact with my mother since July 2012. She sends text to me from time to time (which I ignore), but worse still, she sends gifts for my children. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, anxious and guilty when one arrives in the post (as occurred today). I typed her a text saying thank you but deleted it before I could send it, as I really don't want to break my no-contact, but I'm finding it so very hard to deal with the guilt.

Hello all,

I feel like I am going to be a clichéd in my first post on here, wondering if my upbringing was really that bad. I don't think it was, not abusive per se but dysfunctional definitely. I just feel right now I need some outside perspective.

I have currently returned to my home country after living somewhere else for a number of years. The distance both physically and emotionally away from my family has made me look at things rather differently. There are definitely things in my childhood that were not okay, but there are also some cultural issues that I feel differently about now I am back in my home country.

My mother died when I was in my mid teens. And I think it is fair to say that my dad did his best, but in times of reflection I think his best was not really good enough. I know he was consumed with grief for his wife, I get that, but I was young and pretty much left to get on with things by myself. Some of the things that stick with me are:

Being made to go to the benefits office by myself to see if I qualified for a youth allowance, Dad had no idea about money or budgeting and he obviously could not afford to keep me. It was a really scary thing to do when so young and newly bereaved of my mother.

He had counselling and formed an attraction/wanted to have a relationship with the counsellor. Not sure whose boundaries were worse, not sure if it was handled well by the counsellor.

He met and formed a relationship with someone fairly soon after. She is the polar opposite to my mother. I hated her pretty much from day 1 and had lots of problems in my late teens and early 20s with the relationship. She has three children of her own, one who is a druggie crim who she dotes on. Two "normal" girls but neither who speak to her. I can tolerate her now but in her day I can imagine she was a nasty piece of work ( I refused to interact with them then)

Feeling like I had the most important exams to sit that would determine the rest of my life (equivalent to GCSE's). Passed but had no support from anyone with regards to studying, anything. Had to sit the exams less than six months after my mum dies after a protracted and awful illness.

Whilst I don't think I was sexually abused I was certainly exposed to some sexual things whilst growing up. I found porn (mags) around the house. I remember hearing my dad wanting to have sex with my mum, she said no and he hit her I remember asking her about the bruise on her cheek the next day.
Away camping I walked in on him pleasuring himself in the toilet and on another occasion found the remnants of what was left on the floor! I was in my teens. I mean - who the feck does that? I was never touched or anything by him but I do have two DCs and I just have this knot in my stomach each time he says "give me a kiss!!!" I would never, ever leave them in his care. I am not saying that he is a child abuser but the lack of boundaries is definitely there or was there when I was a teenager.

I went on to be fairly promiscuous (20 partners aged 17-27), and tried to get "love" through sex and confused sex with approval and acceptance of oneself. I had my 'aha' moment age 27 and met my DH soon after!

We are moving back to DH's home country and I do not feel one iota of guilt! I can't wait to get away from the dysfunction. It is so hard to describe but I just don't want my DC around this environment.

The reason I write is I am about to explode at my brother who is making all types of little dig type remarks. Being very passive aggressive. He made a sly remark about my youngest not knowing who he is in a year's time. About how we'll lose money etc etc. I just want to scream at them if they were more "normal" we might want to say. I am not anally retentive about cleaning but all of their houses are disgusting with animals and upkeep. I can't let my children stay with any of them.

I am not sure what I am trying to say or get out but I just need to vent. It has been a difficult time to come back and put it all in perspective. Are all families like this? I am so confused.

Is this normal family stuff, am I being too dramatic (which my family accuse me of all the time) or is it dysfunctional?

It's not normal and you're not being dramatic. Sounds awful.

asfarsouthasyoucango I wouldn't respond to your brothers jibes.

Whenever I am involved with a toxic individual, I always ask myself: "Is this person contributing anything positive to my life?" If the answer is consistently 'no', then I go no-contact. It's liberating.

I'm thinking of hiding a friend on FB, not because she's toxic but she's making me feel a bit crap, which is possibly unintentional. She has always been a bit smug and condescending about one thing that we both have in common, but arguably she is better at (certainly better qualified on paper). I'm fed up with being made to feel second rate about this thing. Also, I wrote her a long e mail all about the fall out from DM and the move and everything and she never even responded. I asked her in a PM on FB if she'd got my e mail and she ignored that too. I had thought we were really close at one time. (we now live in different countries).
Spending too much time thinking about it and each of her status updates just rubs in she thinks she's better than me and that she couldn't even reply when I told her I was having the worst time of my life.

Sorry, I know that's not toxic parents exactly.

GoodtoBetter She sounds like a frenemy, I would deffo hide her, for your own well-being. There are plenty more fish (read: friends) in the sea. Bag yourself some better ones.