This is my first post on this thread. I have posted in other boards under different names, and some people suggested I look here for some support.
I have very controlling parents. I am 24, have a degree and a full time job, yet my parents still treat me like a child. I’m so frustrated and tired of the situation, I don’t know what to do. We are a traditional Jewish family, and many of the things my parents expect are simply not common in modern society, and I feel like I don’t fit in. If I don’t do what my parents want, I am told to go to my room (yes, really!) and am not allowed food until I apologise.
My parents are of the opinion that the child does as the parent says when they are living under their roof. Also that you don’t move out until you either marry or can afford to buy a property. Relationships with non-Jews are strictly forbidden, and sex and living together before marriage are not accepted. I have other Jewish friends who have far more liberal parents who have accepted that times have changed, but my parents are stuck in a controlling time warp.
I am the scapegoat of the family, always blamed when there is a problem. I do not have a good relationship with my sister (explained more below) and I am constantly told that I am a nasty and intolerant person, even though it is more of a personality clash, reinforced by our statuses within the family.
My younger sister has SN (a learning disability with some symptoms similar to Aspergers, combined with language difficulties). She is the golden child of the family. There are a couple of reasons I believe may be the cause of this:
- She has SN, therefore anything she ever did wrong was never wrong, it was just part of her SN. Any time I was upset with something my sister did, I was told I was nasty, jealous of my sister, and I needed to be more tolerant.
- She is the youngest child, and the baby of the family. I am the second and middle child, and my parents constantly berate me, telling me that I have “middle child syndrome” I do have another older sister, who was not treated in this way.
- She is a talented musician. My mother (who is the main controller of the family) is a music teacher. I am naturally relatively musical, although I never had the patience to stick with a musical instrument, however compared to my sister I am unmusical and therefore untalented.
I am a very bright, naturally academic person, who always got very high marks in school. However, to avoid upsetting my sister, my efforts were rarely acknowledged. My younger sister on the other hand was praised for all her academic and musical achievements.
My older sister and I are expected to take responsibility for my younger sister when my parents can no longer look after her. I don’t feel this should be my responsibility, but my parents say this is just my nasty behaviour and intolerance to my sister with SN. I have a cousin with severe physical disabilities, who will always be dependent. My parents have always said how his brothers should never be responsible for looking after him, that it is his parents’ responsibility to find suitable care when they can no longer look after him. So it is ironic that they expect this of my older sister and me.
I have always done everything I could to try and please my mum and get her to like me more, despite that my younger sister is, and will always be the favourite (the golden child). It is therefore no surprise that I have ended up as a teacher, like my mum (albeit in a different subject).
I am currently working extremely hard in my new job as a teacher, trying to complete my NQT. My parents constantly complain that I am not going out and socialising enough, in order to meet a Jewish boy and give them grandchildren. They have nothing but praise for my younger sister who is supposed to be studying music at university (but does so little practice she failed last year and is re-sitting the year) because she has a boyfriend (for a couple of months). I understand that they are happy she is in a relationship, and I am happy for her too, but I wish they would recognise my hard work and achievements too.
My sister and I are such polar opposites, I spend most of my time working hard, she spends her time socialising instead of working, so it is hardly surprising that we don’t get on. I wish my parents would just accept that right now I am simply working hard and focussing on my teaching career, and therefore do not have the time to go out socialising right now.
My parents always consider themselves to have given my sisters and I great opportunities by allowing us to study whatever subject we wanted. However, although my parents were not fussy about the subjects we studied, they were very insistent that we go to one of only about 6 different universities in the country. Although they did not force us, the constant remarks were enough to put anyone off. When I dared to put down an unapproved university on my UCAS form, my parents’ response was “Well of course you wouldn’t want to go there, it’s just a back-up.” I never even got to attend the open day or interview, as my parents talked me out of it (by that time I had offers from 5 other universities, and didn’t need a back-up).
When I got a place at university, I really wanted to stay in halls with all the other students. However, my parents decided that I should go to a religious Jewish hall of residence, which I hated. They were prepared to withdraw their support unless I agreed to live in the accommodation of their choice. “If you go into halls and don’t like it don’t come crying to us because it was your own fault.”
I was miserable there, and developed clinical depression and ended up on antidepressants. I didn’t tell my parents for months, so they wouldn’t have to worry, and I think I was also worried about shaming them. In my second year, the depression got worse and I seriously considered taking half a year out to recover, followed by retaking. However, to avoid shaming them, I struggled through. When I graduated, my parents disapproved of my decision to stay away from home to complete my PGCE, so withdrew all their funding and support.
My parents often remind me of how much money they have spent on me (private school and university), and the assumption is that I must be grateful for everything that they have done, and therefore do as they say whilst I am under their roof.
Many people have asked me why I don’t just move out. The reason is that I cannot afford to buy yet, and my parents are very anti-renting. They tell me that it is a waste of money. My parents are very conditional with the support they offer, and I would not have their support if I went against their wishes. Going against their wishes would be seen as dishonouring and shaming them.
I wish I could see a way out of this situation, but I can’t. I just need some support.