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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

PILS throwing their toys out of the pram

32 replies

TotsAway · 23/08/2013 09:50

DH, DD and I recently moved across country (about 4 hours away from both sets of family) and we expected both sides of the family to be upset and miss us, especially as it's only been just over a month so far, but PILS seem to be taking it far too far.

My parents have been thinking about selling their house and moving for some years now because it's too big for them now 'the kids' have moved out but they never had the 'oomph' to pick somewhere and do it because we were all living locally and they didn't know anyone anywhere so would have just had to pick somewhere to move to 'blind'. While we were planning to move they came with us to look at areas (helping with the travel costs) and fell in love with a town about 15 miles from where we were planning to move. So we moved, which IMO gave them the kick to move too, especially as I'm the dc they're closest to (not playing favourites, just the one who stays in touch most) and dd is the only gc, so it made total sense to them to be near us while getting to move to a nice place and a smaller house. Plus they've been worried about not being able to help us dc's out financially (we all lived in an expensive area and had no chance of getting a house deposit and they really wanted to be able to provide one) - selling their house and moving to the town near us would release enough money to give all dc's a small lump sum.

So my DP's moving made sense and was fine by us. They were going to leave it a few months after we moved but getting a bit excited to find out the house value had a valuation a fortnight after we moved. Then things moved unexpectedly fast - they found an agent they really liked who put it up for sale really quickly and yesterday someone came to look at it and offered the asking price there and then (think the asking price was a little low and that's why it was snapped up but I'm no estate agent and DP's are happy so no matter). The buyers need to move by end of November so it's all very sudden.

Naturally we told PIL's and expected a little upset that it might remind them even more that they've 'lost us' (their words) but IMO they've been really vile about it but DH thinks they're just venting and we should let it blow over. Can see it blowing over with PIL's but I can't forget what they've said already and think they're trying to control DH by throwing temper tantrums and I don't see why we should put up with it or forget about it.

Don't want to say word for word in case it outs me but basically the PILs have accused my DP's of engineering this move so they can follow us because they're horrible control freaks who won't let us live our own lives (we've not complained about DP's being controlling, we're happy about them moving up and we moved away for job reasons - we would have taken all the family with us if we could, we weren't trying to escape from anyone). PILs won't hear of us being happy about it though we're 'just being nice' and apparently we won't be able to live our own lives with DP's there because they control us!!! PIL's have said my parents are trying to take DH and us away from them and we're 'naive' if we can't see it.

PILs are adamant that they're right and that my parents are control freaks and have some horrible masterplan to ruin their lives and ours (my parents have their faults but are lovely people!) and are spouting off at DH, getting themselves distraught and worrying DH (because they have anxiety issues and can have attacks). DH basically wants to indulge them so that they're not upset and then in a few days they'll calm down, I'd rather give them 'what for' with both barrels and tell them it's not on to accuse my parents of this sort of bollocks and give these temper/sobbing tantrums short shrift. Don't know if I'm being unreasonable though or we should be stopping this behaviour, as it's pretty controlling in itself! I appreciate how upset they still are that they've 'lost their baby boy' but there are limits!

Sorry, long!!!

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/08/2013 09:55

Has your DH got siblings, and do they have any other grandchildren?

I can see it from both sides. You are obviously at liberty to move to wherever you like, as are your parents, but your PILs aren't wrong in being upset although they have handled it very badly.

TotsAway · 23/08/2013 10:00

Yes, DH has a sister who's very clingy close to the PILs so they've still got 'something left' iyswim, and they don't have any more gc's but DH is DD's stepdad so I'm not sure how much they see DD as a gc. SIL has been trying for a baby for a few months so they've got gc to look forward to.

Can completely understand PILs being upset, would let them cry on our shoulders about it as much as they wanted to but it's this venomous attack on my parents I want to put my foot down about.

OP posts:
Youhaventseenme · 23/08/2013 10:00

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

TotsAway · 23/08/2013 10:02

Wish I could You but DH is really struggling with what to do, he doesn't want to let all this go but doesn't want to upset PILs either and they phoned him for a total of 2 hours about it yesterday alone!

OP posts:
MrsMangoBiscuit · 23/08/2013 10:10

I think he needs to say something tbh, or let you say something. The longer he lets he them vent, then more it will seem your DH is accepting what they say, and even agreeing with it. It doesn't need to be both barrels, but I do think he needs to tell them it's not acceptable. "I understand you're upset, but these attacks on Tots parents aren't on."

mummytime · 23/08/2013 10:12

Tell him not to answer the phone for a few days. Don't attack them, it will not do any good.

It actually sounds like projection on their part, what they say about your parents is actually a description of themselves. I think you need to talk to your DH about his upbringing, and maybe see if he can talk to a counsellor. The Stately homes thread might help too.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 23/08/2013 16:51

Why should the PILs have a right to be upset? Jeez that's ridiculous. OP's parents have decided to move near their daughter, and? Why should that upset anyone?
OP your husband is being a drip. He needs to put them straight or risk permanent damage to your relationship with his parents.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 16:58

I think people are entitled to feel however it is they feel, but I totally agree with mummytime that the "meaning" the PIL have attached to this move could be a projection, and that what they then say and do as a result of this isn't acceptable

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 23/08/2013 17:01

Tell PIL and drippy SIL that they are entirely free to move themselves too. Bar that, you're not discussing further

pumpkinsweetie · 23/08/2013 17:09

I would ignore their behaviour, you have moved house, what do they expect you to do- move back!
It's fine for them to be upset but to make accusations about you having some masterplan is outrageous.

mrspaddy · 23/08/2013 17:11

My only advice here, as I think this could explode, is that you and dh unite.. Don't let it get in between you, which I think it isn't by the sounds of things.

You say nothing ... Leave them vent.... Give them no more bait to start throwing shit... Smile nod say... Oh deary me... Ummmmmmm... Oh right... To everything they say.

Then they will only make fools of themselves. Sounds silly but if you start getting angry.. You will give them more to chew on.

Chottie · 23/08/2013 17:48

I just can't believe your PiLs' behaviour, it is inexcusable. They are grown adults and are behaving like a pair of toddlers. Why can't they be happy for you?

Please do not this become a wedge between yourself and DH. They are his parents, let him sort it out. Good luck in your new home (and life).

MusieB · 23/08/2013 18:08

I have seen something very similar indeed in my own family on several occasions. The more Tots and her DH tell the PILs they're being ridiculous, the more sure the PILs will be that Tots' parents are being manipulative and that Tots and the DH are under their spell and naive. So giving the PILs "what for" may well cause a massive escalation and be counter productive.

I don't advocate simply nodding and saying "yes, yes" either, because the PILs will remember this forever and remind Tots and the DH frequently that they agreed that Tot's parents are horrible control freaks etc etc! It is also teaching them that you will tolerate this behaviour without a murmur.

Best to try to find a middle way. Say calmly that you really don't see it like that , that you understand they're upset but you think they've got completely the wrong end of the stick. Explain again how this all came to pass and then ignore as much as you can....

TotsAway · 23/08/2013 21:02

Sorry not to reply until now, had a hectic day (mostly not PIL related!). DH can't avoid them on phone, he's been jumpy every time the phone rang in case it was news that FIL had had an anxiety attack. He was firm with them about the 'accusations' but they again just thought he was wrong and got upset, and I asked to speak to them but they didn't want to tonight because they'd get more upset. And MIL blasted DH with new 'facts' that my parents moving near us is apparently 'wrong' and 'sick'. Agree DH is a bit of a drip tbh but he's doing pretty well being firm with them but the fact they have anxiety issues and seem so upset is throwing him into guilt overdrive.

Am going to phone them myself tommorrow, not to tear them a (deserved) new one if I can help it but to make it clear we can't have all this stress. It's already making us both feel tense and irritated with them. And we told them they were welcome to move up if they wanted but they said they'd 'never do that to us, it would be wrong'. Fruit loops one and all I'm starting to think.

Will definitely get into the stately homes thread, would be very useful, and going to gently suggest a counsellor to DH, as long as I've known him he's been tied into guilt with them and this is just the next level.

OP posts:
TotsAway · 23/08/2013 21:04

Oh and they admit they feel upset and jealous (about my parents getting more of our time) but they still don't seem to recognise that their feelings are the major problem here, not my parents supposed terrible behaviour. Until they get that I don't see what we can do but think DH is clinging to the idea they'll get over it. They might but we won't!

OP posts:
NeedlesCuties · 23/08/2013 21:16

It seems that their being 'upset' and 'jealous' is a way of controlling you, or at least trying to.

Not your parents being controlling, but them!

Finickynotfussy · 23/08/2013 22:18

Gosh, I can't imagine why you'd want to see more of your DPs than these people Hmm.

EldritchCleavage · 23/08/2013 23:37

Don't ring them. In your place, all I would say to them would be that I wasn't going to engage with this. Your DH can deal with them, but it might blow over faster if he told them he didn't want to keep going over it again.

They sound very odd. Clearly judging your parents by their own weirdy standards. I feel a bit sorry for SIL's unborn offspring-it's going to have to carry a lot of responsibility for keeping your PIL happy, the poor child.

Silverfoxballs · 23/08/2013 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinisterSal · 23/08/2013 23:51

What do they want to happen?

TotsAway · 24/08/2013 09:46

Finicky - your comment made me nearly spit tea Grin

I do totally agree with the 'don't ring them/engage' replies, if it was my parents pulling this stuff they'd be told (in slightly nicer terms) to get it together and behave before talking to me again, but DH has so much guilt with them it's just not possible at the moment, if we didn't stay in touch he'd be panicking something had happened to one of them or feeling terrible for cutting them off. Moving away was a massive step for him, so I don't really want to make it harder by encouraging him to disengage right now too, he'd find it torture. But that's definitely something there on the backburner, he knows the level of guilt he has with them isn't anywhere near normal but it'll take time to work on it.

So we have to talk to them about this but we've both agreed their attitude/manipulation has to be addressed, they can't just spout this stuff then forget about it. Completely agree it's them being controlling, it's so toddlery 'if we can't have you then no-one else should'! Unfortunately if only DH speaks to them about it I think they'll just keep repeating their mad ideas at him until he 'agrees to disagree' and they'll feel they were right, which is fine by itself but then I know it'll come back over and over later on - every time we even mention my parents it'll be sad catsbum faces and a horrible atmosphere and I'm not having that. If I speak to them I think I can get the message over a bit clearer that they can be as upset as they like but the attitude and accusations aren't on and they have to resolve it/apologise before we can all move on (am not going to Christmas dinner with this hanging over). Which is why I don't think they want to speak to me Angry. If DH says it it seems all too easy for them to brush off.

IMO what they really want is for us to agree with them, start thinking 'oh god, yes, Tots parents really are horrid control freaks, we see it so clearly now' and either convince them not to move near us or feel that we shouldn't have all that much contact when they do. And they want DH to prostrate himself placating them and paying attention to them. Hopefully with the effect that he'll feel so beholden to them that he'll do whatever they say. And none of that is happening so the tantrums are getting louder. Am reading through the stately homes thread though and have lots to pass on to DH.

I don't feel for SIL, she's just as loopy as them tbh, but am going to be incredibly nice to any future Dnephew/Dnieces, the poor kid(s) will have 3 demanding people to placate.

OP posts:
bluestar2 · 24/08/2013 10:17

Usually I would agree with the ignore ignore ignore. However this isn't an attack on you it's on your innocent parents so no I would most definatley not ignore this. If that means it led to nc with pils so be it but no way would I ever allow these nutters to slag my parents off where they hadn't deserved it.

I would be speaking to them personally. They may be dhs responsibility but that doesn't mean they get away with no consequence to their behaviour. If they don't like it I would make my position clear and point out they would not be welcome without an apology first. Thereafter dh would have my support if he chooses to continue contact and visit but I would not be.

I hope you get them to climb down and stop the tantrums for all your sake. The stress is awful and I totally understand the anxiety your dh is having in relation to them contacting him. I think you are doing the right thing but as another poster says make sure you present a united front and yes dh will have to tough up a little ( easier said than done sometimes) and don't let it come between you.

TotsAway · 24/08/2013 20:18

Thanks bluestar. They agreed to talk to me today (think they realised how weird and deep it would get if they kept refusing to even speak to me) and I was very calm and they'd calmed a bit. They were still insistent on their 'facts' that my parents are doing X, Y and Z and I was tempted to go ape-shit but didn't think it would do any good. Instead calming took the tack that I (and DH) didn't agree with them at all and they could move on from it if they want but as far as I'm concerned until it's sorted (ie, they apologise) it'll always be something in the way of our relationship with them. So I'm not happy it's not sorted but feeling good I didn't sink to their level and didn't brush it under the carpet, it's up to them now, if they want it spoiling the relationship then that's up to them, we can't force them otherwise.

OP posts:
clam · 24/08/2013 20:27

Tell them it's not "a fact," but just "their opinion," which you happen to disagree with.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 25/08/2013 06:24

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly. Well done.

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