PILS throwing their toys out of the pram

[TotsAway]

DH, DD and I recently moved across country (about 4 hours away from both sets of family) and we expected both sides of the family to be upset and miss us, especially as it's only been just over a month so far, but PILS seem to be taking it far too far.

My parents have been thinking about selling their house and moving for some years now because it's too big for them now 'the kids' have moved out but they never had the 'oomph' to pick somewhere and do it because we were all living locally and they didn't know anyone anywhere so would have just had to pick somewhere to move to 'blind'. While we were planning to move they came with us to look at areas (helping with the travel costs) and fell in love with a town about 15 miles from where we were planning to move. So we moved, which IMO gave them the kick to move too, especially as I'm the dc they're closest to (not playing favourites, just the one who stays in touch most) and dd is the only gc, so it made total sense to them to be near us while getting to move to a nice place and a smaller house. Plus they've been worried about not being able to help us dc's out financially (we all lived in an expensive area and had no chance of getting a house deposit and they really wanted to be able to provide one) - selling their house and moving to the town near us would release enough money to give all dc's a small lump sum.

So my DP's moving made sense and was fine by us. They were going to leave it a few months after we moved but getting a bit excited to find out the house value had a valuation a fortnight after we moved. Then things moved unexpectedly fast - they found an agent they really liked who put it up for sale really quickly and yesterday someone came to look at it and offered the asking price there and then (think the asking price was a little low and that's why it was snapped up but I'm no estate agent and DP's are happy so no matter). The buyers need to move by end of November so it's all very sudden.

Naturally we told PIL's and expected a little upset that it might remind them even more that they've 'lost us' (their words) but IMO they've been really vile about it but DH thinks they're just venting and we should let it blow over. Can see it blowing over with PIL's but I can't forget what they've said already and think they're trying to control DH by throwing temper tantrums and I don't see why we should put up with it or forget about it.

Don't want to say word for word in case it outs me but basically the PILs have accused my DP's of engineering this move so they can follow us because they're horrible control freaks who won't let us live our own lives (we've not complained about DP's being controlling, we're happy about them moving up and we moved away for job reasons - we would have taken all the family with us if we could, we weren't trying to escape from anyone). PILs won't hear of us being happy about it though we're 'just being nice' and apparently we won't be able to live our own lives with DP's there because they control us!!! PIL's have said my parents are trying to take DH and us away from them and we're 'naive' if we can't see it.

PILs are adamant that they're right and that my parents are control freaks and have some horrible masterplan to ruin their lives and ours (my parents have their faults but are lovely people!) and are spouting off at DH, getting themselves distraught and worrying DH (because they have anxiety issues and can have attacks). DH basically wants to indulge them so that they're not upset and then in a few days they'll calm down, I'd rather give them 'what for' with both barrels and tell them it's not on to accuse my parents of this sort of bollocks and give these temper/sobbing tantrums short shrift. Don't know if I'm being unreasonable though or we should be stopping this behaviour, as it's pretty controlling in itself! I appreciate how upset they still are that they've 'lost their baby boy' but there are limits!

Sorry, long!!!

Thanks! Have told them I disagree with their ideas of 'what's going on' but just got silence back and later they repeated it anyway, but at least they know we don't agree. They're visiting us for a week in a few weeks, not really looking forward to that now but they've booked their tickets already.

Can you convince your DH that it really doesn't matter if FIL has 'an anxiety attack'? It seems that he has to spend ages placating them in case he has an attack when no-one in the history of the world has ever died from an anxiety attack. Yes they feel dreadful when you have one, but it sounds as if in DH's family the merest hint of one controls every family member into fussing over FIL.

If DH ignored FIL and FIL proceeded to have an anxiety attack which DH also ignored, the actual outcome would be FIL having a lot less anxiety attacks - which is good, no?

The daft thing is PILs have shot themselves in the foot. Every time they sing this song you'll feel glad you're putting distance between you and them!

I admire you for still welcoming PILs on their imminent visit. Wonder if they'll start looking in estate agents' windows! Then they'd be backtracking and just as "guilty" of angling to follow you and DP as your parents. Don't suppose they'd classify that as controlling or weird...

You've given them so much airtime and now you've tried discussing this issue like adults so you can rest assured you've done your best. They're allowed to feel upset or disappointed but enough already.

Btw just picking up on what you said earlier, about gc status - whether or not DH is DD's bio dad he is the significant male presence in her life and quite apart from the relocation squabble I hope PILs do acknowledge she was part of the package, she came with you.

I hope PIL asked to come to stay and didn't just book their tickets and present it to you as a fait accompli?

I think you're right Kundry - I think FILs anxiety attacks are real but also that if he got less attention for them he'd be more motivated to do something about them himself rather than let them become a massive issue iyswim. And yes, both PILs mental health ends up controlling an awful lot of stuff. But DH wouldn't be able to ignore the attacks, the guilt would be far too much for him unfortunately. In the past the PILs have helped him through periods of mental health problems (wonder where he got them from though!) and he still feels like he owes them too much to be too firm - think he's doing well slowly though, he's a lot firmer with them than when I met him but a long way to go! He's getting more pissed off with them now though after all this so might be a quicker turn around than I'm expecting.

PILs definitely wouldn't want to move near us, too many words to swallow and they haven't got the money, but if they did they definitely would rewrite the script to make it ok. Definitely shot themselves in the foot though, our relationship with them has taken quite a knock and it's going to take a lot to get that back, if they keep pressing the guilt it's only going to get worse. PILs do accept that DD is part of the package, they treat her as well as anyone else (although that's not necessarily a good thing!) but I don't know if they're actually as gutted she's gone as they would be if they'd known her all her life, and they don't seem to care that much about kids in general tbh. They called the 2 year old son of a family friend a 'little shit' behind their back so not the most 'grandparent-y' people!

Cerisier - bit woolly, as soon as we announced our moving date they sadi they were saving for the fare to visit us so a hint of a fait accompli but they did at least wait for us to agree the dates before booking it. Unfortunately it was booked before all this rubbish started.

Today I've been feeling so annoyed at them all day, just a simmering resentment brewing away, and DH is feeling stressed by the whole thing. Wish in a way we could just go non-contact with them, think it's going to be baby steps instead though, DH is finding it really hard to get his head round how shitty they can be, even though they've done similar to him so many times in the past.

Sounds like you're handling it in a much calmer way than I would well done!

They sound very manipulative and I'm sure they don't have anxiety issues when they are getting their own way.

Sounds like something concocted to make your DH believe they are too fragile to be criticised or spoken back to no matter how they behave...

Try and dwell instead on pleasure of your own parents moving close by. They won't be on your doorstep and you have months to get to know the area and settle before they arrive, all going well. Really not the suffocating experience your PILs seem to anticipate.

Earlier you said it would be too traumatic for DH to talk of disengaging completely. It's a very drastic step and in light of your last post too stressful. Keep that as a very final, nuclear option. If he is slowly getting vexed with them it is a sign he is beginning to accept it's all right to challenge their thinking.

Btw when he gets home from work can he leave his mobile out of hearing? Or if you don't want to unplug the house phone can you adjust the volume? In similar circumstances we became adept at one of us nipping out and ringing the doorbell - "Ooh there's the doorbell, must go and see who it is" - to cut short any long drawn out whinging.