pregnant and paranoid or right to worry????

[namechanger1979]

I'm currently pregnant with dc4... Dh is acting oddly and im not sure if im being paranoid and what to do next.
Weve been together for 10 yrs and outwardly have a great relationship. Things were fine until abput 4wks ago. I put it down to me being very tired. He tells me almost saily that im nagging. I guess i do a bit but ive bwen very tired and need more help with children and housework. Along side this hes lost a stone and starting using moisturiser (trivial i know).

Today we had a big argument. The children are all staying away tonight. Dh rang me and asked if i was going away to visit my family tonight saying he "wouldnt mind if i did". (background family membrr unwell dying) i said no... Tjat i wanted to take children with me to visit at weekend". He kept insisting that i go tonight. I lost it and asked "why are u so keen for me to go out when we rarely get an evening together." He accused me of being hormonal and hung up.

Cut to tonight. He got in. Asked me what my plans were ( takeaway and early night) and then announced that he wasnt tired and was off out with ppl from work ( he doesnt normally socialiae with work mates).

Am sat now wondering wtf has happened to my marriage. Am wondering if i am a bit hormonal of if i should trust my bullshit detector. Any ideas???

How did you find out?

Tell him he has to leave today.

I'd stay in the house and encourage him to move out even on a temporary basis. Have you got a friend or relative in RL you can trust with this to support you. Pref not of the 'boys will be boys' persuasion.

He told me thia morning. He says he finished ir recently and she was going to tell me herself.
Is leaving now. I just lost it and made him leave. We have told boys. We r all in tears.

Sounds like he told you before she did.

Well done for making him leave, you need time to think without him there.

Sorry you're going through this, it's horrible but it will get easier in time.

Yes, you can't live together after this. It would not be good for the boys and if he is a good dad he would understand this. If you are the usual carer for the children then unfortunately for him that does mean it is him who has to go.

Where you go from here I think is get some legal advice ASAP. You can have a free introductory session with a solicitor. Also go to CAB and get some advice about separating, they can do a benefits calculation for you etc and give you more holistic advice to complement what solicitor says.

You need to go through finances and work out how you split them across two households. Also how much child support he should pay, CAB and solicitor can help with that.

I know it will be tough but now you have told the dc please stick with separation/divorce and don't let him come back.

Have you got supportive family/friends?

So this weekend tell h that you need some space and want no contact with him for 1 week. If you want to make an arrangement for him to see dc during that time nominate someone he can make arrangements through. You must get some emotional support, perhaps read the rightsofwomen.org.uk website for advice. Investigate solicitors locally. Look up local CAB services. See if you can tell health visitor what has happened and ask for some support.

On Monday morning call preschool and make a complaint, call rightsofwomen advice line, see if you can book a solicitor's appointment, See if you can go to CAB. If you haven't been able to tell health visitor over the weekend tell them.

Doea anyone have any advice about practicqlities. I am main earner but only 2 1/2 days a week. We have a joint mortgage and about 80k in equity in house. Will we need to sell it? How am i meant to take ds3 to preschool and ds2 to school and see her. Should we move schools /house??? So many questions!

It's up to you. I would make a complaint to the preschool ASAP and see what they suggest tbh. You can't be expected to continue with her as you child's key worker.

You need solicitor's advice about the finances but can get a rough idea from wikivorce - www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Calculator.html

Thanks.
Have rung mum. She is on her way.

Is she supportive generally?

He is not a good dad. He is a twat. Having an affair with ds3s key worker indeed.

Am so angry!!! I am going to have to see her all the time at schoo l as she has a child on ds2's class. I guess im going to have to move ds3 as the thought of him spending time with her makes me feel ill. H hasnt thought about this though. Wants to carry on as before. Wanker

You need to complain to the nursery and see what they say first. They may suspend and then sack her for gross misconduct.

You need to complain to the nursery and see what they say first. They may suspend and then sack her for gross misconduct

I hope they change keyworkers (well, that can be insisted upon), but I doubt she'll lose her job.

Sorry for what you're going through OP. I'm glad your mum's on her way.

Thanks for your replies. I dont expect her to lose her job but i think i will withdraw him from preschool and let them know why. I blame him mainly. He likes it there but the thoight of her looking after him makes me feel sick. He starts school in september anyway and actually if both him ds 4 went to same nursery or childminder it would make things eaiser for me on the days i work.

Im trying to resist the temptation to write skanky bitch all over her facebook page as its a bit too jeremy kyle.

Mums made me a cup of v strong tea :-)

Definitely complain to preschool, he is a shit

I would look at moving schools, possibly home, and extracting myself from the relationship as far as possible.

Similar situation at my DC school with volunteer language teacher and parent, there was no consequences.

There will be folk along soon with fresh advice and experience.

Sorry to hear this has happened. As hard as it is, I would be keeping my anger firmly rooted with him. As for her, I would feel pity that she is settling for a guy willing to cheat on this wife and children. Seriously, who would want someone like that? The man you loved is to all intents and purposes dead. Take time to mourn your relationship, but then use that anger you feel towards him into taking positive, practice steps for your future.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend withdrawing your son from preschool unless you can find another placement for him. You need to be thinking not only what's best for you but also your son as well. He might have friends there, plus it's a great opportunity for him to learn and play with other children.

You'd be better off making a formal complaint and making sure that she has no/limited contact with your child. It's only 3 or so months left to the school year, wouldn't be better that he has some consistency?

If you can, see a CAB advisor. If not, I would be getting legal advice. Keep contact with him to a minimum and give yourself some headspace to decide the next move. Good luck x

Any more words of wisdom from ppl.
I cant sleep.
I will pull him out of preschool.

None of his friends go there. Im not brave enough to be able to drop him off there with her there. And he'll start school soon.

Want to avoid changing schools though. They r really settled there. Not sure how im going to manage seeing her at drop off / pick up

It's no surprise you can't sleep after today. Is your mum still with you? I'd say don't make any major decisions until you've had time to get used to things and are in a better place to think long-term. Have you got friends at the school who can give you support? How are your children?

Just wanted to add my support.
Been where you are and it wa horrible but I'm living a much better life now and kids are fine.
You don't need to feel bad at the school, look her square in the eye, she should feel bad not you, hold your head up you are incredible, many would have let him stay in your situation.

How are you feeling today? Maybe a stupid question but it will get easier as you get over the shock.

They may sack her nanny. Depends on their contracts. Nurseries usually have a policy on appropriate relationships with parents and often expect you to report a sexual/romantic relationship to your line manager. They may have written into her terms that inappropriate relationships are considered gross misconduct as it is very damaging for the nursery's reputation and a breach of trust and confidence and potentially of confidentiality for an employee to have a relationship with a parent.

Have you got some emotional support op?

Mum here. Lots of real life support. Im really good friends with lots of the mums and they are being great. Found out "D"H is aware of this thread and i dont want to post here anymore.