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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

99% convinced dp fancies friend

69 replies

redbull · 16/06/2006 08:50

feel really stupid saying all of this but need to get it off my chest tried asking dp and he just gets really angry.
couple of weeks ago he decribed her to her husband as georgeous,beautifull and wonderfull i got refered to as goodShock

when ever we meet up with them he is sort of flirting with her, ds on teachers traing day today so i get asked arent you meeting up with her, bring her and the kids round here.

just the way he talks about her i cant critisise anything at all if i do im a complete bitch, he talks about her with such respect.

dont know if im being a bit paranoid about it all but i cant help feeling like this im not georgeous but am better than her and feel so Envy the way he is with her ive got more fashion sense in my little toe than herBlush

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 16/06/2006 09:51

Self-hatred really isn't an attractive thread, maybe a bit of help/therapy could help you learn to like yourself again, which would make it easier for your DP to like you, too.

MissChief · 16/06/2006 09:53

sod your friend, stop worrying about her! If your dp finds her attractive, it's probably simply because he isn't with her - he doesn't know her faults, what she looks like 1st thing in the morning etc etc.. That's the downside of living together, isn't it? you know each other warts & all ..and of course it can get hard and a little boring..but that's life!
sounds like it's a good idea to go out with him sometimes, even with yr ds's broken leg.

fairyjay · 16/06/2006 09:56

Remember it's what's on the inside that counts. And nomatter how gorgeous you might be Grin you need to feel gorgeous inside too. If your friend is having such a rough time, it could be that your dh is just trying to make her feel better, and in praising her to her dh, making him appreciate her.

FioFio · 16/06/2006 09:58

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MissChief · 16/06/2006 10:01

not being patronising, rb, but how old are you? Spent most if not all of my 20s in fits of angst and acute self-doubt. Completely over it now Wink
Seriously though, I do think confidence grows with age for some people, has for me. You might not need therapy as such, just time to see things in perspective (god, if I'm sounding like a patronising cow, I apologise..)

Original poster
redbull · 16/06/2006 10:02

cant help it if you all feel like that i know im a bitch a cow and stuff dont need to be told it

all i wanted was a some one to say you "you know what ive had this prob with dp to and its not a very nice predicament to be in the way it makes you feel" but no i get a load of this tish tosh

When you suffer from these things and on medication for them you dont need your nose rubbing in shit that you allready know about your self, i have to put with enough crap in real life with out it on here i thought mumsnet was about support,friendship, and GOOD advice not this crap about dp proberbly finds me superficial.

go on just bring me down further

OP posts:
MissChief · 16/06/2006 10:03

oh come on, that's not fair, RB!

FioFio · 16/06/2006 10:05

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nothercules · 16/06/2006 10:07

redbull, it's a dangerous thing to depend on only getting nice things said to you on a public internet forum. If you are very sensitive to comments then it may not be the best place for you to air your problems. I mean that in a nice way.

coppertop · 16/06/2006 10:09

:( redbull. No real advice but I'm sorry you've been having such a tough time. Your dp really isn't helping you at all. This is more about his attitude than your friend being attractive.

Original poster
redbull · 16/06/2006 10:10

oh i think its fair most of you dont know what its like to have a child with ASD dp who had a nervous breackdown still on med for it and all my probs you dont even know half the crap that goes on like this friend 3 weeks a go her ds nearly suffocated ds with a plastic bag friend doesnt even tell her ds off for it i moan to dp about it and get told im a bitch. might sound hard to beleave but i do value my friendship with friend as her 2 ds are ASD as well so we get to take then out places with out giving eachother funny looks if one has a meltdown.

i just feel that dp is allways sticking up for her condoning her actions when it may cause harm to ds

OP posts:
Original poster
redbull · 16/06/2006 10:11

sorry didnt realise coppertop and fiofio was on here you both know the stress of SN child

OP posts:
FioFio · 16/06/2006 10:11

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nothercules · 16/06/2006 10:12

The trouble is you wont gain much sympathy by saying stuff about M and S and being size 16.

FioFio · 16/06/2006 10:13

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coppertop · 16/06/2006 10:14

I would be seriously pssed off if my dh did nothing to help me or support me while being full of support and sympathy for one of my friends. I think that's* probably the real problem here.

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 16/06/2006 10:14

Ive been in a similar situation a couple of years ago redbull. At the time id just had ds2 so was feeling a little wobberly anyway.

I had a friend who is the same age as me, had 2 children but was in a really bad relationship with an abusive partner. So she used to spend all her time at our house. Even when I wasnt there she would pop round sometimes so DH could give her a life to the shops as she didnt drive and stuff like that.

One night we went out as a group (very rare!) and he had too much to drink. When we got home he started spouting all this crap about how sorry he felt for her, how much he wanted to hold her and make it all better for her. That he thought he was getting feelings for her and that he fancied her. He said he was trying to be honest, but when we went to bed he called me her name. I decided he was drunki and to let it go, but the next morning he repeatde all this sober.

He hadnt actually done anything with her but I was concerned at the way his feelings were developing. And it hurt like hell. I started contsantly comparing myself to her, trying to make more of an effort but still I saw the way he looked at her.

So I broke his contact with her completely. He never saw or spoke to her again. I still saw her as she had done nothing wrong, but all those little shopping trips and her coming over to ours stoppped. I went to hers, he picked me up from outside instead of coming in etc. And after a few months of this, we talked about it again and he said that he had realised his feelings for her were of pity and that he had just wanted her to be safe. Regardless of his change of heart, he has still never seen her again...

Not sure how helpful this is, but you are not alone and I know that it hurts. You feel inferiour and think whats she got that I havent. So then you start to notice all the not so good things about her and feel like a bitch for doing so as she is your friend and its not her fault that your dh feels like that about her. And if you say those things out loud to anyone you do sound like a bitch, so you dont, but keeping everything inside makes you feel worse.

Try telling him how it makes you feel (but dont say anything to her) ask him to respect your feelings and not to make comments about her etc. I dont know what advice to give really!

coppertop · 16/06/2006 10:15

Ooops! My last post was to redbull, not Fio.

FioFio · 16/06/2006 10:16

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MissChief · 16/06/2006 10:18

I'm sure you will get sympathy and more helpfully advice & support if you post about your real problems - SN child, support from yr dp etc - rather than criticising a friend for her dress sense/size.

noddyholder · 16/06/2006 10:21

I do think you need to chill He is probably getting some satisfaction from seeing you squirm.BTW you are not better than her although you may be more physically attractive in your opinion.Tell him how this is making you feel If he sees how much it is hurting you he should stop otherwise you need to take a long look at him not her

Original poster
redbull · 16/06/2006 10:24

chers ladytamba that is just what i needed to hear i do feel such a cow for pointing all these things out like you said, it is REALLY nice to have someone that can understand what it feels like THANKYOU Smile

OP posts:
heavenis · 16/06/2006 10:34

Is there anyone in RL other than this friend you can talk to.
You need to tell dh how you feel etc.
You sound to me like you a drained and need to recharge your batteries.
It must be hard for you to cope with everything.
Maybe you need to have a bit more space from your friend.
Does she know what dh says about her.

Original poster
redbull · 16/06/2006 10:41

no i have no other friends in RL that i colud tell this to most of family and friends think i should leave dp so this would just confirm it more to them.

dp was telling her husband to get his act together and said them things to him wich dp relayed back to me then the next day i had a call from friend and said along the lines of i hear your dp said some really nice things about me really complimented that was so nice of him to say such nice things

OP posts:
heavenis · 16/06/2006 10:48

Maybe you need to meet round her house etc.
Does dp know how is comments make you feel.
Can you take to your gp or hv.
I don't really know what else to suggest at the momment. But keep posting and someone may be able to help.

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