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Original poster

DHs possible unknown child

53 replies

beatbox · 21/08/2013 21:59

What a shitty mess.

Turns out that DH is possibly the father of a child from his last relationship. I am all over the place right now and I can't really order my thoughts.

Me and Dh met Feb 2008 this relationship ended Nov/Dec 2007. The ex was, according to her 2 months pregnant when they split however she didn't know she was pregnant until about 6 weeks after they split.

She never told DH until now, He doubts he is the father as the relationship was not exclusive on her part plus he says he used protection. He thinks she has only come now since a relationship break up/money (which he should rightly pay if child is his).

I feel like the bottom has fallen out my world. DH has a lot of anger towards the ex and is adamant the child is not his, he doesn't really want to engage in any conversation with the ex (or anyone, including me) about it. the ex is saying the child is his for sure as it looks like him but doesn't really want to discuss DNA testing and says her word should be taken as the truth.

OP posts:
chattychattyboomba · 22/08/2013 11:35

She kept it a secret. Now she thinks she deserves to have her taken at her word? No.
Your DH is wrong to run away from it, but my suspicion is he's doing the typical man cave thing while he gets his head around it.
Sorry you are having to deal with this Sad

Rooners · 22/08/2013 11:36

I agree that a govt approved DNA test is the way forward and yes I do believe the CSA will arrange this if she goes through them.

Perhaps she is avoiding it as she doesn't think it necessary - in which case it shouldn't be an issue to go along with it anyway.

Perhaps she thinks it might prove he isn't the father in which case it's even more important.

ClaimedByMe · 22/08/2013 11:37

I presume she is after money? Tell her to go to the CSA they will do a DNA test if your DH says he thinks he is not the father.

KhloeKardashian · 22/08/2013 11:37

So what if she is a bitch. If you send nasty aggressive letters, you will have a horrible relationship with her, and you will have a long long relationship with this Woman in years to come. It is not worth it, there is a little girl who will be damaged. It costs nothing to be nice.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 22/08/2013 11:38

I think the bc is a readable way to approach.
You can get a copy without involving her.
See if other man is named then Dh can say (nicely) i would like pr for my child. To do that i need proof so if we get dna test i will apply for pr and of course pay maintenance. and we can discuss contact through mediation.

If she is obstructive then you deal with it.

Rooners · 22/08/2013 11:39

I agree it's important to be polite and friendly.

That doesn't exclude wanting to have a DNA test though.

Morgause · 22/08/2013 11:41

Your poor DH (and you) what a shock.

I'd advise him to refuse to engage with her at all until there has been a positive DNA test.

Jan45 · 22/08/2013 11:41

Your DH can't possibly know if he is the father or not, despite using protection, sounds like he is in complete denial. He will have to face up to this and the DNA is the first step - imagine if it is his and he does nothing about it - he must. I am sorry you are having to cope with this. The ex sounds suspicious so perhaps it is a load of bollocks but until the DNA is done, nobody knows.

SpottyDottie · 22/08/2013 11:42

Your DH should not hide his head in the sand. It does sound like she is after money because her relationship has finished. You both need to know one way or another if your DH is the father. Do not buy a DNA test online, this needs to be mediated properly.

Speak to a solicitor and find out what should be done.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 22/08/2013 11:49

I don't think it is unreasonable for Dh to take a few days to get his head round this. most people have 8 or 9 months get used to the idea of being a parent. he has had a matter of hours to get used to having a five year old.

He does need to deal with it but he will still reeling.

The fact the she waited until end of rs to get in touch does not mean it is not Dh child. it just means that if the rs had not ended she presumably would never have told him. (or the child).

That being the case she cannot really get on her high horse.

I still advise civility. but if she continues to be unreasonable then sol is fair enough. solicitors don't usually send nasty aggressive letters. if they do it is the wrong solicitor.

Original poster
beatbox · 22/08/2013 12:00

It is a bit hard to sort it out when the conversation goes, 'This is your child', 'Ok I need a DNA test to be sure of that before I have any financial input or physical presence', 'just take my word its your child', 'I need a DNA test to be sure of that' Khloe that could go on and on for ever so some thing needs to happen to break that cycle.

DH has been in contact with solicitors this morning and has an appointment for next Thursday, he was told on the phone that they would be referred to mediation failing successful communications between themselves and anything if mediation failed then the would have to sort in the court.

Should mediation/private discussion be successful then DH can file for a contact order based on what they have agreed . If there are no disagreement about the contact then neither party needs representation at court and the forms can be obtained by DH and filled out himself at a cost of a couple of hundred pounds.

^^This I think would be best as I think they need someone impartial to guide the conversation between them to focus on a solution for the future not the past.

Dh is more than happy to cover the entire cost of mediation for both him and her to resolve this.

She went into DHs place of business to inform him of this, and she left her number so he is planning on sending a message to say:
As we are at a stale mate over the current situation I am seeing a solicitor next week to seek advice and refer us to mediation. I hope you understand my reluctance to be involved without proof of DNA as I do not wish to cause undue upset to (childs name). hopefully with assistance we can resolve this a quickly as possible, to the benefit of everyone. If you decide you are open to discussions with me regarding DNA testing I will happily discuss this with you. If not then we need guidance to do this.

OP posts:
MrsMinkBernardLundy · 22/08/2013 12:06

Sounds fair enough to me.

OP you and Dh sound like you could both do with a large cup of camomile tea. hope you get it sorted out one way or the other. Flowers

KhloeKardashian · 22/08/2013 12:09

Did you look at the link I gave you for the governments child maintenance? You were told by others go to the CSA, they do a DNA test, what is the problem?

Mediation will piss her off, I am telling you now. It is a big mistake to bring solicitors in the mix this early on, they love to earn a crust. They do send nasty letters. See they want you to go to court, there is no need, you do not have to go down that route. It is as if you want a fight.

Control freak unpleasant letter with cleaver writing to hide, that will piss her off, ah well you brought it on yourselves, poor kids.

Original poster
beatbox · 22/08/2013 12:18

Camomile tea you say..... With a shot of brandy in??!!

khloe I did link at the link yes I am sure that yes that will get a DNA test sorted however as far as I am aware CSA do not have any input with contact arrangements which also need to be discussed.

He will ask to read any letters before sending them as he does not wish to be rude/nasty/cause bad feeling however the situation needs resolving ASAP so contact and financial support can be commenced

OP posts:
KhloeKardashian · 22/08/2013 12:38

This is not nice, I will pick it apart and tell you why.

As we are at a stale mate over the current situation I am seeing a solicitor next week to seek advice and refer us to mediation.

He is not offering a solution, there is no softness in this, no offers, just control freakiness. He is using aggressive language, stale mate like it is a game, telling her what he is doing and he is taking control of the situation and telling her what she will be doing.

I hope you understand my reluctance to be involved without proof of DNA as I do not wish to cause undue upset to (childs name).

This is ok! Sadly he is causing the child undue upset by his behaviour above.

hopefully with assistance we can resolve this a quickly as possible, to the benefit of everyone. If you decide you are open to discussions with me regarding DNA testing I will happily discuss this with you. If not then we need guidance to do this.

This reads as a control freak!

This is going to piss her right off. He should have written a nice letter, giving her options asking for her input. Now you will end up with two uptight Mums and an uptight Dad. By involving solicitors and becoming such an aggressive control freak you are steeling your child's peaceful home, you are steeling holidays from your child paying these legal bills.

It would have cost you not a lot to go via the CSA for a DNA test and to write a nice letter, and two households could have rubbed along nicely. Poor kids.

FreckledLeopard · 22/08/2013 12:43

Khloe - that's crap! His message was perfectly polite and reasonable. I say this as someone who has a child with a father who has never met her.

What on earth is he supposed to do if she refuses to cooperate? It's hardly unusual to ask for a DNA test if you're suddenly told you have a child you knew nothing about.

Solicitor is fair enough - a formal DNA test, one that can be accepted by the Courts, done in presence of a GP with relevant ID taken and checked is the standard one would expect. The mother doesn't sound as if she wants to do any of this, so it's up to OP's DH to sort it.

openerofjars · 22/08/2013 12:47

Khloe is the other mum, innit?

OneStepCloser · 22/08/2013 12:53

Khloe, the only control freakery going on here is from the mother of this child. To conceal the truth because it suited her five years ago and not allow a natural relationship between this man and his possible child is bloody awful, she had no right.

Of course he wants a DNA, I think the letter beatboxes DH has written is absolutely fine.

beatbox, you sound as though you both are doing marvellously in this situation, and doing everything you can to reslove it. Stuff the chamomile, just swigg the brandy, its Thursday after all Smile

Thurlow · 22/08/2013 13:01

You need a DNA test, and I can't see how any reasonable woman, who is certain the child is his, would deny a DNA test when it would confirm the relationship. She surely wants either contact or money, and understandably neither are going to be forthcoming until it's certain the child is your DH's. I'm sure it can't be pleasant being questioned about your child's parentage but she has never mentioned it before - IMO the mum brought this questioning and confusion on herself by not mentioning the pg right at the start.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP, and you sound as if you are doing great. Go and find that brandy.

Original poster
beatbox · 22/08/2013 13:07

Khloe if DH has asked for a DNA test in a nice polite manner and this has been refused and insisted it is not needed a letter asking the exact same thing in the same words won't make much difference. As for steeling my childs peaceful home, I don't know where you got this from? plus we are not steeling holidays from our child! You have no information of our financial situation, plus holidays are not required, just nice.

As before it is not just about CSA payments but about building a relationship with contact which CSA cannot help with as far as I know?

openerofjars Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
beatbox · 22/08/2013 13:12

Thanks for the support

As much as I feel sorry for DH and angry on his behalf I feel that 10x more for the poor child. I just hope they can resolve it quickly for the childs sake.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 22/08/2013 13:22

The other mother may not be a greedy, unreasonable cow, you know. It's perfectly possible to assume that a baby has one father when in fact it has another, if two sexual encounters/relationships took place within the same couple of weeks around conception. Also (unless there is a really dramatic difference ie the two potential fathers of very different ethnic groups) most babies look like... babies. Or their mothers. It could be that the mother and her partner-who-was-assumed-to-be-the-father both thought he was the father, and only recently has it become apparent that he isn't. This other man may have dumped the mum because he's not the father.

However, OP's H is being reasonable in asking for a DNA test, and the email cited above sounds fine to me. It's a shock, but sometimes these things happen and it isn't anyone's fault.

ajandjjmum · 22/08/2013 13:38

I think that if there is any doubt about the parentage of a child, the mother should tbe responsibe for establishing the biological father as close to the birth as possible.

To go along with what you want to think when it suits you, and then change your mind when that relationship ends, is very much the mother's fault, imho.

deliasniff · 22/08/2013 13:43

I agree with SGB, I think it highly possible that the mother may not actually know who the father is if she was having a relationship with both men at the same time. She probably doesn't want a DNA test because she isn't sure what the result will be.

LalyRawr · 22/08/2013 13:46

A pretty similar situation happened with one of my friends.

Except the child was 11 years old when the mum contacted CSA for payments. CSA contacting his boss was the first my friend knew about this child. Again, the mother had chased friend for payment due to current relationship breaking down and ex partner refusing to give money. She freely admitted this.

DNA test was done, friend WAS the father (ONS 11 years previously, mother never once attempted to contact him) and had to backdate CSA from time she made claim (so waiting for DNA results etc).

It's sad, because in my friends case, the mother had no wish to facilitate a relationship between her child and his father (another thing she freely admitted), she just saw her kid as a way to get extra money after her boyfriend left her.

Also, as an aside, you cannot get a DNA sample from a child without the Mothers express contest. But on the other hand, you can refuse any maintenance payments until you have proof that the child is his.