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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dont even know what to call this thread

42 replies

jampots · 16/06/2006 00:33

As many of you will know Ive had problems with my dh and his bizarre attitude for a while now. He is an utter control freak and likes things "his" way. At the moment we have quite a lot going on - a decorator is coming next week to decorate the dining room, kitchen, hall stairs landing consequently our lounge is quite full. We are also supposed to going on holiday very early on Saturday morning for a week. The decorator was due to come last week but dh put him off for another week as work asked him to do nights this week at a days notice which he foolishly agreed to. Dh has not prepared any of the rooms for decoration I have had to strip the wallpaper/clear the rooms etc because "you dont work". We were going to just have lining paper in the various rooms and have the walls painted. Dh decided at the last minute that he wanted a printed paper at least in the hall stairs etc. but he wasnt prepared to go look for a paper - I had to because "you dont work". In addition Ive had to find other bits such as lighting, flooring curtains etc and get the holiday things organised/bought. Obviously as well as keeping a now cluttered few rooms clean and tidy and doing all the normal things. Anyway he has told me this evening that he's not going on holiday now because he doesnt want to. He says we have no money - we;ve just bought another car and he's spending money on ridiculous things for it that in my humble opinion we dont need and in fact are simply taking up space in the house even though they belong in the garage. I am so at my wits end now and feel like someone has punched me in the stomach - I just dont want to play :(

OP posts:
VVVQV · 16/06/2006 00:41

oh jampots i dont know what to say hun Sad

It does sound bizarre, seems to want to exert control in the most bizarre manner.

The flippant side of me would want to say that actually "i need a holiday, because i am thoroughly run down with all this crap ive had to deal with from you, simply because "I dont work"".

Have you spoken to him about his behaviour?

jampots · 16/06/2006 00:43

yes he genuinely doesnt seem to care as long as he gets his way. You may remember the Easter Sunday incident which followed the Boxing Day incident. The worst thing is he doesnt seem to mind constantly disappointing and upsetting the children

OP posts:
VVVQV · 16/06/2006 00:59

Im sorry hun, i dont remember. What happened?

VVVQV · 16/06/2006 01:01

Does he have problems with being happy/content?

Im kinda wondering what his childhood was like....?

Tortington · 16/06/2006 01:22

do you ever stick up for yourself?

it rather sounds like your living with your father/headmaster - and having sex occasionally

wheres the partnership.

does he think becuase he earns the money it is his?

tell him to keep it then. tell him yer off and he can pay you child support - and that will be fine becuase you can continue to no figure in his life or his plans and to still get money occasionally from him. the children will probably see him more actually - on a weekend - on visitation - maybe he will actually plan to do something with them then?

alternatively on his day off - tellhim if looking after the kids is such a piece of piss - you off to go and get shitfaced with your mates and will be back ......late.

Chandra · 16/06/2006 01:47

I have to say that the times when DH and I have been nearest to divorce had been when we were refurbishing a house. It seems as and is a MAJOR source of stress, so maybe he is tired of the mess, the work to do, etc and is making you pay for it. However, I think that you should stand for yourself, if you don do it things will continue this way.

BTW, YOU ARE WORKING, being a SAHM is one of the harder jobs a woman can do.

eldestgirl · 16/06/2006 03:56

Take the children away for a week anyway? Without him. You need a break from him!
He can spend his week off doing the wallpapering as he's not working.

Alipiggie · 16/06/2006 05:15

I'd go along with that - as another SAHM with major relationship problems, take time out for yourself. We never give ourselves time and that's important. Let him manage the decorating. You have enough to do. :o

Freckle · 16/06/2006 07:01

Have you not already paid for the holiday? If so, just go anyway with the children and leave him to stew at home. Sounds like he'd spoil the holiday for you in any event.

threebob · 16/06/2006 07:17

Go on holiday by yourself (well take the kids) and tell him you expect all the decorating to be done on your return because as he is on leave "you don't work".

I believe it's called getting a taste of your own medicine.

quanglewangle · 16/06/2006 09:49

hear, hear.

FioFio · 16/06/2006 09:54

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beansontoast · 16/06/2006 10:12

AngryAngryAngry...oooohhh....grrrrr

and Sad for you

i too get a bit of the old 'you dont earn any money'...'you can do a bit more house work tahn me cos you've got more time bollocks too...it makes me see red.

all i can say is i would ,if possible...def def def go on holiday....as a short term relief...other than that i agree with custardo.

oh and while im here...i always talk interms of paid and unpaid work....id never say

''you think that because i dont work....''

...which to me is crucial...get 'i dont work' out of the household vocab!...you may have already?..hope that makes sense.

hugs,i reckon i know how completely frustrated you must be xx

suzywong · 16/06/2006 10:33

oh jampots

he really is an ass isn't he

You could do a lot better you know. Nice lady like you. And what's more you deserve a lot better.

jampots · 16/06/2006 10:34

my navigational skills are zero plus we're going to Irelad where the roads dont have names or signposts - i truly would never make it. Couldnt even get to Holyhead. He's still adamant that he's not going - I just dont know what to do

OP posts:
FioFio · 16/06/2006 10:36

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jampots · 16/06/2006 10:37

she's worse than me Fio :)

will be on MSN later to chat :)

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FioFio · 16/06/2006 10:38

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jampots · 16/06/2006 10:38

in fact ds knows how bad I am that he's said he doesnt want to go unless dh goes Blush

OP posts:
suzywong · 16/06/2006 10:40

let the kids navigate, they are old enough to read maps

you go, and leave him to stew in his own sour juice

lemonstartree · 16/06/2006 10:41

Of course you can do it.

You can do anything you set your mind to. HE is making you feel you cant manage without him. You would be FINE.

do him good to stew for a few days, stupid arse wipe

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 16/06/2006 10:53

Treat him like a 2 year old (he's behaving like one). Pack the car, get the kids in and say "are you coming then because if you're not we're leaving without you". He'll come. If he doesn't go- you will find Hollyhead, it's well signposted - there's more or less only one road.

beansontoast · 16/06/2006 10:53

literally take the driving seatSmile

err... and dont let ds tell you what you are good enough at!

oh god now im telling you what to doBlush

threebob · 16/06/2006 11:02

Oh for goodness sake - "never find it" - of course you will, you will have to so your kids can go to sleep. I'm sure you have done more amazing things than this in your time.

You are treating yourself like he treats you. Learn to read a map, or better still print off one of those route thingies, and get dd to read it out line by line.

tracyk · 16/06/2006 11:17

or why not just book into a hotel with a pool in the next town - he'll never know!

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