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Original poster

So *I'm* selfish, am I? A bit long!

28 replies

sopeedoffitsunreal · 15/06/2006 22:23

Have changed my name as I am known by some. NOT trolling! Have just had a ridiculous argument with dp who has accused me of being really selfish and only considering what I want. Ideally I would love some support but an honest opinion will do fine Grin.

Dd is 7 mths old. I would have loved to have children sooner (ie 4 years ago) but dp had lost his licence through dui (another story... please no comments on that detail I KNOW how awful it is). He decided he didn't want children whilst he wasn't driving. So I waited and did all the driving for 3 years. How dutiful. I am now 38 and really want to be unpregnant for a good year before even contemplating number 2. I put on 3 and a half stone during pregnancy and lost 1.5 litres of blood in a pph after dd was born, needing 2 units of transfusion. Not much fun and did my head in. We have only had sex twice since dd was born cos I am so knackered and my head is just not into it at all. He has been patient up till now but is beginning to get a bit frustrated about it. That is the background.

After dd was born, dp decided he wanted 4 children - ha bloody ha! I laughed it off and said he'd be lucky to have 2 but it was all very jokey and good natured. At this stage the thought of more than 1 further pregnancy makes me feel sick and I don't even want to think about trying until my body and mental state, as well as our sex life is back on track - hopefully early next year but who knows. Tonight we had one of those great rows about hypothetical situations, with dp saying if we don't have another one next summer then there's no way we'll ever have 3 and how selfish I am at depriving him. Aaaaaagh Angry Angry. I went out 'to get some petrol'... Just back and he has gone to bed. I am so furious and feel like he just wants me to be a baby machine for the next 3 years. We could have started sooner if only he hadn't been such a tosser with the driving. I don't see why I should now have to pay the price for that - it was his mistake and maybe he should realise that there are further consequences than not driving for 3 years.

If cod is around please don't just tell me to leave him - I'm feeling very wobbly and that may just finish me off Smile.

OP posts:
moondog · 15/06/2006 22:25

He's the selfish one,not you.

Lact8 · 15/06/2006 22:29

fecking men!!!

no much help i know....

didn't want kids while he couldn't drive sounds pretty lame tbh

listen to your body, it does need time to recover from pregnancy and birth

aaaargghhh on your behalf

Caligula · 15/06/2006 22:33

He's a complete and total tosser.

Is that the kind of support you wanted? Smile

Seriously, is he some kind of irony-free zone? What is he on?

Thomcat · 15/06/2006 22:36

I don't think he sounds like a tosser at all tbh. Yeah the driving thign was a massive fuck-up on his part. Stupid etc. Not sure why he put off havign kids becasue of it, but you must have agreed with him. it had to be a joiunt decision to wait. And he wants more kids, you don't. Does that have to make him such a tosser? There's no right or wrong really is there?
Oh I dunno. Just feel like neither of you should be angry with the other.

Any bloke who wants loads of kids sounds ok to me!

foundintranslation · 15/06/2006 22:39

I don't think his wanting more kids is tosserish TC (hello btw :) ), more his piling on the pressure (saying that sopeedoff is selfish, for example).

Thomcat · 15/06/2006 22:42

Yeah but I'm sure he doesn't really mean it, not when he sits down and thinks about it. He's just dissappointed and his calling you selfish was childish.

Oh what do I know?
I just don't want you to fall out with your DP if you can help it.

Thomcat · 15/06/2006 22:43

sorry foundintranslation - hello babes Smile

Greensleeves · 15/06/2006 22:45

I disagree with Thomcat. He is being selfish, and he is rushing you. You need to stand your ground.

Have you had any help/counselling over what happened when your dd was born? I have had two large PPHs and various other complications, and found them very difficult to come to terms with. It's not AT ALL surprising that you have lost your appetite for sex. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with you, you have been through something terrifying and traumatic and you need time and patience to get yourself together again. That's to be expected.

Your dd is only 7 months - maybe after what you've been through it's too early to be talking about having another one. I conceived my second after 14 months and it was too early really, I felt emotionally very out of my depth during the second pg after what had happened with ds1's birth. You are entitled to as much time and space - and ideally, support - as you need. Don't let him rush you. Don't blow up at him and let rows develop, if you can help it - try and keep calm and just explain that you were very shaken by what happened, and you are still caring for a very small baby, and you need to put the idea of more children on hold for a while.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. If you feel you can, ask your doctor about some counselling, or contact the hospital and ask to talk to someone about your birth experience. There's no shame in it. xx

Original poster
sopeedoffitsunreal · 15/06/2006 22:45

Thanks girls. (lol Caligula Smile)
I don't think that wanting lots of kids is tosserish either - it's just saying that I'm selfish not to when I have had to deal with difficult pregnancy and birth and I waited because he wanted to.

He had a major downer when he lost his licence and his self esteem went down the pan. He didn't want to associate my pregnancy and dd's birth with those negative feelings. Thomcat - it was only a joint decision in that I had no choice. What could I do - I loved him and wanted to stay in the relationship so compromise was the name of the game really.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 15/06/2006 22:46

(Hello FIT how are you? Have been meaning to email...)Grin

sobernow · 15/06/2006 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foundintranslation · 15/06/2006 22:48

ISWYM TC - thinking about it, dh and I have these sorts of rows too where we say things we don't really mean. Mr sopeedoff sounds like he's throwing a bit of a hissy fit atm. sopeedoff - how about talking to him again in the cold light of day, leaving the driving out of it (although tbh I also think using that as a reason for not wanting children is a bit lame) and just explaining you don't feel physically or emotionally ready due to your birth experience? See what he says then.

Original poster
sopeedoffitsunreal · 15/06/2006 22:48

x post with greensleeves - I think you have hit the nail on the head. Will have to try to have a calm conversation about things but he is a real 'get on with life' sort of bloke. The kind of 'can't let life get you down' attitude that makes me feel like I'm wallowing.

I am being harsh on him. He has been really supportive - but tonight he has really pissed me off.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 15/06/2006 22:49

Maybe I was treating your situation a little too lightly and sorry if I was and said the wrong thing. This is why i don't comment on threads like this usually. I'm always light and breezy ad sometimes it's not what's needed. I shall bow out and let others advise you properly. Just didn't think he sounded like a tosser that was all. Good luck, hope you get it sorted and you both end of happy, together, in your family unit, whatever the size.
TC x

foundintranslation · 15/06/2006 22:49

Hi Greeny and happy birthday again! Bearing up - how are you?
(sorry sopeedoff)

Lact8 · 15/06/2006 22:50

Could it be he's realised how much having a family means to him now that you actually have a baby and regrets the decision to wait 3 years but is saying it in an arse backwards way and accusing you of being selfish when really he knows it was his own selfishness that means you have one baby not more as he would like? (phew, breathes)

Original poster
sopeedoffitsunreal · 15/06/2006 22:51

Thomcat - don't feel you have to bow out - I really appreciate your posts. Wasn't meaning to sound cross. TBH sometimes it is best to be lighter about things! Smile Just wish I felt a bit lighter at the mo!!!! AND he can be a major tosser!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
sopeedoffitsunreal · 15/06/2006 22:52

Could be lact8 - why are men so arse about tit when it comes to emotions?

OP posts:
Lact8 · 15/06/2006 22:57

If only I knew the answer to that! Smile

Thomcat · 15/06/2006 22:58

you didn't sound cross darling, I just didn't want to be light-hearted and calm about a situation that was really upsetting you. I ddn't want top risk offendign you.
I'd love DP to want more kids so secretlyt think you're lucky that he wants loads of kids with you. I know there are other issues with you on this one though and I wasn';t dealing with those issues in my posts.

Greensleeves · 15/06/2006 23:04

Sorry if I was a bit abrasive Thom Blush - not personal, just my - ahem - style Grin

I think lact8 has a very good point, but you shouldn't allow it to become an issue for you - that's his shit, not yours. You have every right to take your time and do what's right and healthy for you and the daughter you have.

I think you're very brave. xx

Thomcat · 15/06/2006 23:07

Hey Greensleeves, not at all, you just made me take it all a bit more seriously, that's all, and that's a good thing. It's all cool.

Blu · 15/06/2006 23:07

he may or may notbe a tosser, but he IS being insensitive. of course you need to gather your strength before going into pg again!

Maybe he is panicking about the possibility of not being able to have his big family (and as TC says, there's nothing wrong with a man who wants lots of kids - quite the opposite)...and not dealing with it well. He may well be feeling a bit guilty, too - but who knows.

he needs to have far more empathy and sensitivity to what you are experiencing, but I'm not sure what to suggest.

But i sympathise and am not at all surprised you need an un-pg break - you sound as if you need some concentrated tlc for YOU.

Original poster
sopeedoffitsunreal · 15/06/2006 23:09

Thanks Greensleeves, it's always lovely to be told that! Sorry to hear about your difficulties and PPHs - nasty aren't they. Midwife told me that I shouldn't be at any greater risk of one next time round. Difficult to believe when you have had everything but the kitchen sink shoved up your bits having toiled for 30 hours to get dd out!

Hope all well now with your lo's. x

OP posts:
emmawill · 15/06/2006 23:14

My Dp wanted 4 kids and I went along with it humoring him, I wanted at least two, certainly didn't want only one and I'm in my mid 30s and was told I would never be able to have children for years! Anyway I was luckly I had a girl then a boy, but they are such hard work and cost so much, I have had the coil fitted and dh has even said lets just leave it at the two and is thinking about having the snip!!! Do you want more than one say two? Why agrue at the end of the day its your body you do what you want, take the pill seceritly if needs must why should he know if you don't want him to? Is it really worth agruing about especially if your not having sex anyway? Sorry to be blunt but why agrue over things that might not even happen you a wonderful child he's so proud of your child he wants a million of them, that's fanastic but thats not reality is it, maybe he says he wants 4 well its only in his minds eye its not real. Anyway I'm really going on sorry had a very large glass of wine Grin

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