So *I'm* selfish, am I? A bit long!

[sopeedoffitsunreal]

Have changed my name as I am known by some. NOT trolling! Have just had a ridiculous argument with dp who has accused me of being really selfish and only considering what I want. Ideally I would love some support but an honest opinion will do fine .

Dd is 7 mths old. I would have loved to have children sooner (ie 4 years ago) but dp had lost his licence through dui (another story... please no comments on that detail I KNOW how awful it is). He decided he didn't want children whilst he wasn't driving. So I waited and did all the driving for 3 years. How dutiful. I am now 38 and really want to be unpregnant for a good year before even contemplating number 2. I put on 3 and a half stone during pregnancy and lost 1.5 litres of blood in a pph after dd was born, needing 2 units of transfusion. Not much fun and did my head in. We have only had sex twice since dd was born cos I am so knackered and my head is just not into it at all. He has been patient up till now but is beginning to get a bit frustrated about it. That is the background.

After dd was born, dp decided he wanted 4 children - ha bloody ha! I laughed it off and said he'd be lucky to have 2 but it was all very jokey and good natured. At this stage the thought of more than 1 further pregnancy makes me feel sick and I don't even want to think about trying until my body and mental state, as well as our sex life is back on track - hopefully early next year but who knows. Tonight we had one of those great rows about hypothetical situations, with dp saying if we don't have another one next summer then there's no way we'll ever have 3 and how selfish I am at depriving him. Aaaaaagh . I went out 'to get some petrol'... Just back and he has gone to bed. I am so furious and feel like he just wants me to be a baby machine for the next 3 years. We could have started sooner if only he hadn't been such a tosser with the driving. I don't see why I should now have to pay the price for that - it was his mistake and maybe he should realise that there are further consequences than not driving for 3 years.

If cod is around please don't just tell me to leave him - I'm feeling very wobbly and that may just finish me off .

Firstly I think that your dh sounds very controlling, given that he first wanted you to wait till he was able to have kids till he could drive again, and now wants you to have the numbers of kids he wants in the time frame that he has decided. Tbh him being very supportive and then changing and saying that you are being selfish and that he is the one getting hurt in all this sounds like extremely controlling and manipulative behaviour and would set huge alarm bells ringing for me. Ultimately you are the one who will have to carry a baby and go through giving birth etc, I could understand him being upset if you’d said no more babies but just asking him to wait isn’t being selfish imo.

I would sit down and have a serious talk, and explain to him that there are two of you in the relationship and that he’s called the shots once already and that it’s your body and you don’t feel ready, physically or emotionally, to carry another child yet. If he really is as supportive as you say he is, then he should understand how you feel and respect you for it. I definitely wouldn’t take the pill in secret as has been suggested by the previous poster though as that is a huge betrayal imo.

You waited for him - for 3 years (because he did something stupid and irresponsible).

Why shouldn't he now wait for you (because you have genuine, health related reasons for a break) - and from what you've written, it won't be as long as 3 years anyway.

Just to get this straight - he thought it would be too much work to have one child without him driving, but now wants you to have 4 children in the space of about 5 years?

TBH I would say that is unrealistic in the extreme, if he has any idea what pressure that would put you under in all ways then he wouldn['t ask it IMO.

I would suggest a good long heart to heart about what he expects and some oof the realities that his ideas would bring - as you see them IYSWIM