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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this wrong of him?

38 replies

coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 09:22

ok, so on/off relationship for 2.5 yrs both late 30s both divorced..
He has always been more keen/pushy than me as I want to make sure the relationship is for me before making proper commitment. Lots happened, lots of red flags but is getting better there.
Thing is we have been back together a week, at first he was happy to see how things go, now is coming on heavy to move in with me, wont let it go, pushing to a point Im almost snapping and wants an answer this week to "move forward!" .. to me it seems if i say no, he'll walk away and it will be over for good! This isnt gentle, kind, love.. is it? or is it fair enough?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 09:31

This is not good now either for all sorts of reasons. It has been on/off since you both met, are you really actually both good for each other at all?. Love should not be such hard work honestly.

What is his own relationship history like (as well as yours?). Has abuse previously featured in any past relationship that you have had?.

What are the red flags you have been referring to?.

Honestly I would say a flat no and walk away from this now. If he does walk away (and he may well worm his way back into your life again) let him go completely. This is about power and control, such controlling behaviours shown by him now i.e wanting to move in together after only being back together seven days is a big red flag there as well.

No, this is not gentle kind love at all.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

I think you may find it useful to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2013 09:31

Fair enough for one partner to be more anxious than the other to move in etc, but he's not going about it very nicely, is he? It may be love, but it sounds like a rather selfish, possessive love. To be frank, you might be better off letting him walk away. But of course I could be over-interpreting the few words you've written here.

Personally I'd say the pushiness is the biggest red flag of the lot.

LittlePeaPod · 21/08/2013 09:35

Massive red flag IMHO. Sounds a bit like emotional blackmail. Personally that kind of pressure would only make me more determined to withdraw from further commitment.. Be careful Op, why would someone be getting so pushy and desperate? And why does he not respect your feelings on this situation?

Original poster
coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 09:38

thanks both, I know this :-( I just needed confirmation. Yes, it is pushy and selfish and again.. controlling. He is controlling and has grabbed me once and has DV mentioned in his divorce.. I keep going back. Perhaps it the attention/excitement/distraction to being a single parent.. but I do feel v strongly for him..
we do lots of fun stuff together, spontaneous but not sure this is "real" and there are strong enough foundations for him to move in..
I guess "abuse" in past relationships on both sides, however with me just EA..

OP posts:
meditrina · 21/08/2013 09:39

You're not sure about him and there's a history of problems which are serious enough for you to characterise them as red flags.

He must have good points too, or you wouldn't still be with him at all. But two things - are these real good points, or is it just 'this could be good if only he'd XYZ'? And making you feel pressured for a major, life-changing decision to suit his timetable, not yours, is wrong.

Do not move in with him. If he ends it because you don't fall in with his ultimatum, then this could be a good time to end things completely. Whether you co-habit is far too important a decision to leave to the control of only one partner.

missalien · 21/08/2013 09:39

Run.

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 09:40

Walk away

On/off for 2.5 years? It's not going to work. If there was some solution to your problems you would have found it by now. And yes, his behaviour is wrong.

LittlePeaPod · 21/08/2013 09:45

Walk away Op. you already seem to have factual informational that his was abusive towards his ex. They never change and his controlling behaviour has already started before you move in together. Walk away Op, for your own and DCs sake. Run as fast as you can if you already know this man has a history for DV...

Original poster
coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 09:49

I think cause we have both been hurt, we do the "cat and mouse" dynamic.. fundamentally, i think our personalities may be too different, he plays a bit of a joker (red flag really in a way..charming) Im more reserved and "real".. feel he acts sometimes...
He doesnt give much of himself really, mainly shares feelings about how he feels about ME rather than opinions on other stuff, whats going on in the world.. i did feel a bit obsessed/possessive but this is new to me as exH just didnt seem to care! flattered perhaps?
I guess Im hanging in there as i dont want to start again, feel this is last chance.. (silly really?)
But I'll lose him and I dont think there will be any going back this time...

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 09:52

You need to really examine closely your own behaviour here; why have you kept going back to him?. Inherent low self esteem and worth are possible causes as well. I would also read up on co-dependency in relationships.

You may on some level think you can fix or save someone like this; the short answer to that is no.

If he did move in your own life would become a complete nightmare; its bad enough now that he is pushing to move in after a week. What does that tell you about such a person. Also the previous DV would be a complete deal breaker.

Where are your boundaries here re him anyway, they seem somewhat blurred.

Also such a man would be a crap stepfather of a figure to your children as well, I bet you a pound to a penny that they dislike him intensely.

Ehhn · 21/08/2013 09:54

Leave. Please end it. He is exhibiting early abuse signals - charm, emotional blackmail, pushing for closer control/presence in your life.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2013 09:54

He is controlling and has grabbed me once and has DV mentioned in his divorce

OK, don't walk away, RUN. Fast. Never mind "he's been hurt" shit, he does the hurting, and unless that sort of thing floats your boat, steering clear is the only way to avoid it.

Your last chance to be controlled and potentially knocked about? Er, good, surely? Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 09:55

It sounds like you have gone from one abusive type to yet another (you did manage to rid yourself of the ex however) but this one is actually more dangerous to you because of the controlling aspects he shows. This is not love at all, this is about power and control and he wants complete absolute over you.

Controlling men are angry men as well, note the DV he has shown towards you and the ex. Such types actually hate women and dislike all of them completely. He probably also shows complete contempt towards his other.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 09:57

You are after all in your late 30s but you spend a long time dead and you will feel dead from the neck up if you allow him to invade your life any more than he already has done.

You could still meet someone who is ultimately decent and kind. This person is not he at all. He will destroy you in the end.

Chubfuddler · 21/08/2013 10:01

You must be mad to consider cohabiting with a man you know to have a history of dv.

Original poster
coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 10:04

Oh dear.. yes blurred boundaries, i feel a bit manipulated sometimes.. used
:-(
but of course there are good bits that keep me there.. and to be honest Im lonely and find being a single parent difficult at times, however i am building up network of friends.. slowly
think i am getting carried away in romance, we are meant to be together because we keep coming back to each other? hmm
to be frank, Im scared to let go.. Im scared to move forward. low self esteem - yes.. he has been there for me following problems with exH, we have stuck by each other.. he has just been "there"
Im put of by the dating scene!!
Im going to have to tell him.

OP posts:
Emptychairs · 21/08/2013 10:05

Been there, got the t-shirt...
Unfortunately I kept misinterpreting these red flags, which are so obvious to you, and bought a house with and then married the guy.
Agree with Attila except that my ds is really fond of dh (but as his own dad is pretty crap that is easily achieved).
If you are still not moved to let him go then please read Patricia Evans book Controlling People. It's how to break the spell that makes them need to control you... I know, sounds a bit Hmm but its a bit difficult for me to just say goodbye atm and at least dh is in couple counseling with me, the therapist is supportive of me and dh is now also reading this book (and agrees he is truly disconnected, to use Evans term, and told me a previous therapist had already tried to help him with this).
However, if your dp chooses to ignore your needs and continues to disrespect your boundaries then you will start to feel you are slowly disappearing. Don't let this happen, for your sake and your children.

Original poster
coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 10:06

CF
I know how it sounds, but it was one off incident, (i know) and his ex violent too.. he has had therapy.. everyone deserves a second chance, everyone has a past... ?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 21/08/2013 10:08

No everyone does not deserve a second chance.

You seem to believe you can fix this man. I suggest you look into the freedom programme. (Google it) to see why you have this tendency.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 10:09

coffeecustard

When you have finally rid yourself of this person (and he will not let go of you easily, he will try and worm his way back in) I would suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom programme. At the very least I feel that speaking to Womens Aid will help you.

I also think you were infact targeted by this person initially because he could sense your already low self esteem and worth and has set out to exploit that. He has done a right number on you really.

Original poster
coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 10:09

my ds fond of him too, he does "fun stuff" makes an effort, but exH great with him too.. intellectually we are on different levels too.. dont feel i can have in depth conversations/debates and dont find he is too interesting! not much substance?

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeecustard · 21/08/2013 10:11

Ive put so much energy into this and it seems a waste to let go!! but better now than be potential disaster

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 10:11

You don't even like this man

For God's sake dump him. And no, a man with a history of violence towards women does not deserve a second chance, particularly when you are exposing your children to his toxicity

Get a grip

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 10:11

How do you know that his ex was also violent, did he tell you that?.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2013 10:12

Or, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

His pushy and controlling behaviour shows that whether or not he has learned not to manhandle women, he has still not learned to respect them. He may never attack you (again) but he won't consider your feelings, as he isn't considering them now.

Drama can be addictive, but it's not healthy. As you realise on an intellectual level, that "meant to be together" business is pure bull. Addicts keep going back for another fix too until they either die or learn to stay away from the stuff completely.