Is this wrong of him?

[coffeecustard]

ok, so on/off relationship for 2.5 yrs both late 30s both divorced..
He has always been more keen/pushy than me as I want to make sure the relationship is for me before making proper commitment. Lots happened, lots of red flags but is getting better there.
Thing is we have been back together a week, at first he was happy to see how things go, now is coming on heavy to move in with me, wont let it go, pushing to a point Im almost snapping and wants an answer this week to "move forward!" .. to me it seems if i say no, he'll walk away and it will be over for good! This isnt gentle, kind, love.. is it? or is it fair enough?

another thing, we have some fab pictures together, i think he sees it that we "look" the part, we "look" good together.. we do.. but I dont know, there needs to be more ffs, it is the relationship that needs to be right!!

Ive put so much energy into this and it seems a waste to let go!!

But it is not a waste to let go at all. Do not get stuck in the "sunken costs" fallacy (this have put so much energy into this, at what cost to you I might ask?).

"but better now than be potential disaster"

Exactly. End this now before he destroys you and by turn your child completely. He is no decent role model for any child to look up to and emulate.

confused... Im going to have to tell him.

coffeecustard

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when growing up as you may well have been taught some damaging lessons back then as well. This all needs to be unlearnt and that is going to take some considerable time.

You need time on your own.

ATM
not good lessons, Im aware of that. My mother in v co-dependent relationship, low self esteem and continues (or tries to) damage any self esteem i build up, you're right.

Coffee. You have to get rid.. If not for you but for your child. Trust me, I grew up in DV home till my mother had the courage to leave. It will affect your child and DV men never change. Some time, some day, some place he will explode. Get out whilst you can.

NO MAN THAT HAS A HISTORY OF DV SHOULD EVER GET A SECOND CHANCE.. Run Op and protect yourself and your DC.

"we are meant to be together because we keep coming back to each other"

If you were meant to be together, you would be together, not on/off for more than 2 years. Life isn't a soap opera, in real life these dramatic relationships are dysfunctional, not romantic.

I'm glad you are going to tell him. You're doing the right thing. You are still young and have so much time to find happiness, on your own or with someone else.

Imagine how happy you could be if you poured all the energy you're currently wasting on him into you and your DC and your lives together.

Not at all surprised to read that at all re your mother. You've basically followed her pattern of co-dependency and she continues to herself trash your already low self worth.

You can break these unhealthy patterns but you're going to have to do an awful lot of work and a good start would be to read the publications I have recommended and do the WA Freedom Programme.

Please - do not get even deeper into it with a pushy fuck, just because you look good together in photos!

Ok, I know you're not that stupid, but in all honesty, of you're citing that as a reason to stay with him, you're clutching at straws...and you know it.

I think it's high time women learned to abandon mission at the first sign of red flag conduct, rather than fighting to get past it and live a better day, which invariably never comes.

It's illogical. While you are wasting your precious time being miserable with your project, you are denying yourself the opportunity to find happiness!
Is a relationship so important that you would rather risk your emotional wellbeing and that of your kids to have one?
Even if it is, you are unavailable to pursue a fulfilling one, should a decent bloke come along!

Ive put so much energy into this and it seems a waste to let go!!

Not all relationships are meant to be and I would say that if after 2 years (which is a good timeframe to know someone) it's still not working then it is time to walk away.

There maybe good parts to the relationship but does the relationship really meet your priority needs? If you wrote a list of your needs can you really say that he meets those?

Sometimes relationships help us learn what's important to us. I think this relationship is there to help you refine what you need from someone.

Please don't settle - we sometimes have to let go to allow someone more suited to us into our lives.

I think you need to break your addiction to the drama, tbqh

You sound as bad as he is

don't walk run.
you are not too old to start again. not nearly! you could have a good 40-60 years of a rs left. don't settle for a twunt.

violent, controlling, abusive men don't change when being abusive gets them what they want.

your choices are:
let him move in with you even though you are unsure, scared and this is not what you want. definitely not
or he threatens to walk away. well if he does that just proves absolutely you have made the right choice.

let him go. save yourself and your ds now. walk away don't look back. look forwards to something better. you deserve better and you can do better.

you may find the EA thread a useful place to visit.

Ive put so much energy into this and it seems a waste to let go!!

think of it like a car. there comes a point where you have to say it is not worth fixing an old car anymore. let it go. it is always hard when you have already spent money it but sometimes it has to be done.

put the energy into yourself first. then put it into finding a new rs.