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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he doesnt seem to want me or love me anymore

49 replies

Emzoj · 20/08/2013 23:08

I am new to this site and I need some advice because I just dont know what else to do anymore. I have been with my boyfriend now for 4 years. We started living together about a year ago after we found out I was pregnant and it just seems like hard work every single day. He is a hot head and lets even the minor detail get to him. I dont get any support from him. He comes home from work and takes an hour in the shower, he says he catches up with his football news and stuff which is true but I also know he watches porn every other day and this makes feel like I'm a failure and worthless, I know every man does it at some point but he takes it to the extreme. since the baby has been here things have changed and we rearly make love, iv tried doing stuff but he just fobs me off. Things are getting worse. I have tried talking to him but it just ends in a heated argument so I just dont say anything anymore. It feels as though his only here for my son and the fact that he hasnt got any where else to go. I treat the man like a king and all he does is be horrible and belittles me. Im just at my whits end and I dont know what to do for the best. Any suggestions??

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 23:14

You won't want to hear it, but I think you should end this farce of a relationship for the sake of your son, if not for you

This is no example to set for him, from either of you

Game over, love x

fabergeegg · 20/08/2013 23:17

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I wish I had some good advice but I'm afraid I don't. Someone wiser will be along in a moment or two.

I'm trying to mind-read your hubby so could be all wrong. It's obvious he's acting like a complete git of course and you shouldn't have to stand for it. Is it possible he's feeling defensive, like nothing he can do is right in your eyes? I'm sure it's not true but I've noticed men sometimes do feel like that without cause and it can make them very defensive. If you were able to say there were a few things you'd like to talk about because you're a bit unhappy, not wanting to criticise but just to work things out a bit, and could you agree a time when someone will have the baby and you'll have enough time to show you're being positive towards him? Just a thought...

I hope things work out. It can be so hard, especially with a baby :(

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 23:21

There is no positive spin on this, that is the problem

OP has tried talking to this Mr Big Fucking I Am, and she gets belittled and made to STFU

OP, talk to your mum. Tell her how things really are (not how you are pretending they are)

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 23:23

Now ios the best time to get out, while your ds is still a baby

Before he has absorbed the damaging lessons being played out in front of his eyes and before he is too attached to having his father in his life 24/7

arsenaltilidie · 20/08/2013 23:35

Agree with AF, he's just there because you treat him like a king and he doesn't have to lift a finger.

fabergeegg · 21/08/2013 00:02

We can't know why he's staying. Yes, it sounds like it, but what about the possibility that he's behaving really badly but would respond to a wake-up call? What if he doesn't want to lose this but is a bit of a loser when it comes to emotional stuff? It can't hurt to consider the what ifs and give him a chance to talk. The OP has stayed this long and she hasn't asked us directly if she should leave. I think she wants suggestions that are positive and constructive as well as LTB.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 00:06

OP tells us she has already attempted to talk to him, and is met with "heated arguments", rebuffs and horrible belittling behaviour

how many more times should she attempt to cajole and pacify him ?

is it her role to soften him up and try and talk him into being a better person ?

fuck that

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 21/08/2013 00:11

Have you asked him directly if he wants to split up? If so, what does he say?

He doesn't sound like a nice person or decent partner. I can see you want to make this work but he clearly thinks he can get away with anything now. If you've been trying to smooth everything over and make it all better, I would stop. See what he does then, whether he is content to let the relationship slide completely or whether it provokes any change in behaviour. Give up 'treating him like a king' and see what response you get.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 00:13

the thought of this woman treating this dick "like a king" makes me feel quite ill on her account.

ugh

wake up, love, fgs

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 07:22

In my recent, personal experience....this gets worse and there really is no pleasing him. 3 years after my first born....and one other DD later....I found he had cheated. 6 months on it's SO nice not to be trying hard to get someone else to give me a flicker of interest, affection and time. I just enjoy my dd's and my lovely, peaceful life. No one gets to make me feel belittled or unworthy any more.

Only you can decide when enough is enough for you but you can't make a r ship work on your own....dont compromise yourself and your happiness.
Good luck x

Original poster

Emzoj · 21/08/2013 08:02

Thanks all your commemts. He blames me he says I do stupid things and act like a div apparently. he doesn't seem to realise being at home all day with 2 kids, being tired and trying to amuse them takes its toll. even though he doesnt realise, he couldnt do it himself and has admitted to that fact. He says if he didn't want to be here then he wouldnt but then he doesn't act like he doesn't want to be here. im just finding it really hard and am very unhappy. I dont know what the future holds

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 08:39

My xp used to say "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be"....he still said "I love you" (in response to me saying it). In the end I had to learn to look at his actions more than words. He was never affectionate, made me feel silly, didn't want to spend time with me, let me do more than my fair share in the home etc etc.....in short made me unhappy and insecure. I couldn't see it changing.
Do you think it might change? Do you picture yourself with him in the future? Would you still be sticking with it if you didn't have dc?? Xx

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 21/08/2013 09:18

Hmm. That sounds very much like 'I won't go because I have an easy life here, but I can't be bothered to make any effort with you and I will criticise you to keep you in your place'. I supect he wants you to feel he puts up with you (how good of him! ) whereas the reality is more that you are putting up with him, and indulging all sorts of behaviour like the hour-long showers, porn etc (and how come none of that is 'being stupid', or 'acting like a div', eh?) without getting anything in return. He is actually better off with you but wants you to think it's the other way around.

I would really seriously consider saying that you are very unhappy with the current situation and don't think you want to be in a relationship where you are belittled and made to feel bad. If he then says that's all in your head, or justified because of XYZ, then you say that it is how you feel and you don't want to feel that way, and the relationship can't continue. Be prepared for him to tell you it's your fault somehow. But your feelings are perfectly valid and you don't just have to put up with a bad relationship because the other person tells you everything is your fault.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 09:27

I dont know what the future holds

You can take control of your own future, remember

What are you ? An appendage to an abusive man ? Get some professional help, tell all your friends and family and make your own happy future with your dc. This man isn't the answer.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 09:45

Amen AF...

Original poster

Emzoj · 21/08/2013 11:35

Im thinking counselling might be the next step for us. His mum and dad know the situation im in, they have been at the other end of his vile mouth.
It does seem like its one rule for me and another for him and I said that to him the other day and I also called him a monster which he was taken back by. He knows how I feel. I feel used and abused to be honest, a simple hug and kiss when he got in from work would be a start

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 11:42

Counselling for you alone love, yes ?

To try and understand why you put up with this vile man ?

Don't consider joint counselling. He will use what is said in the sessions as yet another stick to beat you with.

redandblacks · 21/08/2013 11:48

From my own experience, these men don't just watch porn - they are online in chatrooms offering themselves up to anyone who is willing. It seems scary and completely unrealistic to someone in a 'baby bubble' but the advice to get out ASAP is absolutely right. Unfortunately, most people wont take it on board until a lot more damage has been done

redandblacks · 21/08/2013 12:06

Well he may well be there because of your son - I know all about that. It is a matter of casting his critical eye over everything you do without lifting a finger himself and almost like building up a dossier of evidence to prove you are a poor parent in his eyes so that if you ever dare contemplating chucking him, he can throw it back at you as a means of putting you back in your place. Get out while you still have your dignity and the upper hand as I can tell you that if you continue in your martyrdom you wont elicit a lot of sympathy along the line via the courts system - that is the hardest part of it.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/08/2013 12:11

Get some advice from Women's Aid or CAB regarding your financial position ie do you own or rent, whose name is the home in, etc. Then either leave with your baby or throw him out. Don't waste any more time trying to make this relationship work, because it isn't going to. This man is worthless.

caramelwaffle · 21/08/2013 12:27

I second everything that has ben said regarding looking into securing an independent future for yourself and your children.

CAB. Women's Aid. Tax Credits. Local HA housing. Council housing. Job centre. Friends and family. Local council childminding lists. Your GP for counselling referrals - for yourself.

Do you have your own (single) bank account?

Even if all you do is plan an independent life for you and the children (and know that It Is Possible) you will feel stronger, more able to say "No. I won't, and don't have to stand for this shoddy behaviour".

If you realise you do actually want to walk away, you will know you will be able to.

Original poster

Emzoj · 21/08/2013 13:40

Thank you for all your advice, which I will take it all on board.

I know if I was to leave then I would be ok and I have a great support unit including his family. I just wanted to try and make this work, try and find a way to make him see and be a nicer person.
I thought he would have changed once our son came along. Im so mad we always had the same dreams about the future.

OP posts:

Mosman · 21/08/2013 13:48

Are you really young ? If so there's so much more out there for you there really is I only wish I could have had more self belief and confidence in my twenties. For goodness sake don't wait until you're nearly forty for the light to dawn and the realisation that you are more than capable and worth so much more.
Shit relationships distract from all the good in the world and are a waste of energy.

redandblacks · 21/08/2013 13:58

You said that you have an older child from a previous relationship - do they get on?

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 13:59

I can identify with the bit about hoping they'll become nicer. I waited, and waited. They are who they are. That's it. These types of people aren't able to put another persons feelings first or even equal to their own.

Just think about some of the hurtful spiteful, nasty things he's said and done to you. Would you ever treat ANYONE in such a manner?? Let alone somebody you're supposed to love?? Whenever I have a wobble about being alone I just think back and that's enough to know it was so wrong. My DD are 3 and 1 and I thank the stars above they won't ever again hear mummy get called a "fucking idiot" or see me try to hug daddy, only for him to shrug me off for no apparent reason and leave me feeling silly and needy. Think I just about got away with any damage there...hopefully.
Put yourself and the dc first and think about how to move on.......

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