he doesnt seem to want me or love me anymore

[Emzoj]

I am new to this site and I need some advice because I just dont know what else to do anymore. I have been with my boyfriend now for 4 years. We started living together about a year ago after we found out I was pregnant and it just seems like hard work every single day. He is a hot head and lets even the minor detail get to him. I dont get any support from him. He comes home from work and takes an hour in the shower, he says he catches up with his football news and stuff which is true but I also know he watches porn every other day and this makes feel like I'm a failure and worthless, I know every man does it at some point but he takes it to the extreme. since the baby has been here things have changed and we rearly make love, iv tried doing stuff but he just fobs me off. Things are getting worse. I have tried talking to him but it just ends in a heated argument so I just dont say anything anymore. It feels as though his only here for my son and the fact that he hasnt got any where else to go. I treat the man like a king and all he does is be horrible and belittles me. Im just at my whits end and I dont know what to do for the best. Any suggestions??

im just finding it really hard and am very unhappy.

• how about respecting what your own person is trying to tell you?

It's hard and you are unhappy. Why is that? Because you are a bad person who should try harder? Because you haven't got enough to do all on your own there?

Listen to yourself and stand up for yourself OP. Being on your own is SO MUCH BETTER than abuse.

All true but most people don't leave until a lot more damage is done ...BUT, one day when you do leave and have gone past the raw hurt stage you will be so much happier and find your old self again and the entire world will seem a lovelier place from your perspective.

oh yeah they get on really well. she calls him dad and they adore each other.

Im 30 and know there is much more out there but I still have hope that things are going to change. Maybe things dont change then thats when to call it quits.

How long will you leave it ? Until he starts on your daughter ? because he will. And you will have invested more of your best years in this fuckwit.

He's just a man. A crap one. That is all.

As AF said. You are still very young, why waste it on something that will probably never happen? I got out IN my 30s and I feel so blessed everyday that I am still young and able-bodied enough to enjoy my life ... it could easily have gone on for many more years. I spent my entire 20s waiting for that change you are hoping for but it never came.

Are there other people around you convincing you that he will change/grow up/become more of a family man etc. etc. I certainly had that and in retrospect, I could resent those people a lot except I know that they were completely well meaning and genuinely had no experience of this type of man.

These types don't go easily either but I am no longer trapped in the never ending latent (and sometimes active) misery which starts to define you as time goes on even though you cannot see it yourself.

Jumping in here. Not really sure what to say, but think I am in the middle of something quite similar.

Although, I can look at it both ways, and can see I have been needy, he is stressed, he has issues to deal with. But I find the put downs too much to take.

e.g. we were at a hotel sat night, I had booked. They asked for number plate - he had drove so I asked him. He got all shirty and sai " for gods sake, it's not hard I can't believe you can't even fucking remember that". Then later on in the night, after getting a drink at the bar, I moved to go back into the function room, he said "don't you want to go over there (up the bar) I've seen people go up there" I said "if you want to" he said "oh for fucks sake why do you have to make everything so bloody difficult can't you make a fucking decision" I just walked off.

We've been arguing a lot lately. Mostly as I have told him he is pulling away, doesn't want to spend time with me, pisses off to the pub instead of coming home, is nasty etc etc. We're not having sex and haven't for a while now either.

I have spent the last week rationalising. Looking at all the things I have done wrong, and I have. I will admit it. I admitted it to him too, and told him I was working on changing things, and showed him I was doing it too. He's still off down the pub ignoring me.

Sorry Emzoj, kind of hijacked your thread - but does this sound familiar? Your posts touched a nerve with me, and I think we might be in the same place right now.

Thats alright giantpurplepeopleeater. Sorry its happening to you too.

He doesnt go out, he enjoys staying in and plays on his playstation. Im not perfect (nobody is) and some things I do I kept doing them and it really pissed him off, now I have stopped doing them so he cant throw them back in my face. He has OCD which makes the situation worse and does suffer from depression. Also he is insecure about himself. I decided to live with this and try and help him. Its the hot head I cant deal with, the nasty tone, name calling and belittering me. I know relationships arent perfect and a lot of people give up to easily but what he is doing is plan nasty. But then again yesterday I had my wisdom tooth taken out so I was in a lot of pain and he looked after me and was kind and gentle.

Hey giantpurple.....I was you!!!! That could have been me. What do you mean when you say you're trying to change??? What things have you done wrong??

I meant, I could have written it......sorry, trying to do 50 things at once!!
In my case I used to think, he'll be more affectionate/ speak nicely to me/ not go out if I lose weight/ seem mire cheerful/ tidy the flat more etc etc. Tied myself in knots for 3 years. It came to a head when I discovered he'd started getting friendly with Sumone else....texts etc, prob a few dates. I asked him to leave and to be honest, i felt a 1000 feelingsbut the strongest was definately relief.
Sometimes for want of a better phrase "they're just not that into you". Also....they're prob never going tO be truly into anyone....apart from themselves.
You shouldn't try to change yourself to make him be nice to you. It's so easy to get swept up in it but when I look back on my situation, I just feel sorry for my past self......I want to scream at her "it's not you!!!!!!!! It's him!!!!!!!!!! Ltb!!!!!!!!"

giant I am afraid your partner is exhibiting all the signs of someone checking out of a relationship because he has transferred his affections elsewhere

Have you done any detective work, love, rather than turning yourself inside out trying to please and pacify him ?

Any - it's not so much a transfer of affections in that way. He's not got a new GF or bit on the side, I'm sure. It's actually his best friend. Who he chooses to spend all his free time with!!

Mamma - to be honest, now I look back on it, there has been a number of things over the time we have lived together. First he would make comments about the washing, so I changed that. Then he would make comments about the cleaning, so I changed that.

At the moment, I know I have been demanding and needy of him. he works away 3 nights a week, and yet when he is back, wants to go to the pub. I've moved to be with him, so still building up a friendship network so was/ am lonely at times. I used to get upset and feel rejected if he chose not to come home, but go straight to the pub. And then say he would be quick and take over 3 hours.

Initially, this worked ok as he was seeing his son every weds, so he would be around. But his Ex put a stop to that a couple of months ago and things have gone down hill since then.

I also know I've an anger issue - in that he winds me up dreadfully and I feel I have to get everything out in this tirade, instead of just leaving him to it, I keep going at an argument until he sees my point, which he never does, so it's a terrible cycle.

I've been worried about money, which has made me moody too.

Plus I have weight issues - it affects my self confidence, and so I can sometimes look for reassurance or be less confident and need some support.

I'm trying to address all of this - have booked some counselling, sorted my finances out and am repaying, joined a gym.... all in the last few months.

I know I need to do these things for myself though.

Mamma - reflecting on it, I think a lot of it is borne out of selfishness. I've said for a long time that he moved in with me, but continued as if he was still single, spending all his time at the pub or working, and never really making time for us.

He also has this thing about blame. Whenever we argue, whenever we disagree, no matter what, it's my fault. He can't see that I wouldn't get upset if he didn't call me nakes, swear at me, criticise me etc.

H's also terrible about opening up, and being honest about his feelings and stuff that is bothering him.

So I think your right about not being able to truly share himself with anyone.

Emzoj - sorry I've totally hijacked.

But it sounds like we are in the same position, and I would say that there is no need to pick on the way people do things, or things about them, to the point that they change.

It's bullying isn't it. Simple.

I've come to a head with my 'd'p anyway. I think we're pretty much over.

Thats ok giant. You need to get it of your chest more then I do by the sounds of things.

It is bullying pure and simple. I have actually told him this but he doesnt believe his 'one of those men'.

Do you think in your case that the reason his feeling like this is because his missing his son maybe?? Just a thought.

What will you do now move back to where you lived before?

I think you are both still at that stage where you are searching for excuses to make for their behaviour. It is actually easier to deal with than confronting the reality of your relationships.

I'm not searching. We have both, finally, admitted we are very unhappy and will be going our separate ways.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to move out, nor rent the place by myself, right now.... I will be in a much better position financially in a few months. SO that means living together separately for a while.

Emzoj you know when you do something out of fear - like clinging onto someone because you fear loneliness: that fear will come back at you multiplied. The Universe arranges this lesson for you, until you learn it.

Do not fear being on your own. Do not fear being away from someone who DOES NOT respect you. The lonliness you are living now is worse than your original fear.

AnyFucker who spent ages banging this into my head is right. By choosing to be on your own? You will have lost absolutely nothing. Because you haven't got anything with him anyway.

Paradoxically, respecting yourself, showing you will not tolerate mistreatment and abuse and throwing him out? Might get you something. Because for men, respect is at the base of a lot of their love.

Grow a backbone girls! For your own sake and funnily enough for your relationship's sake.

Whining and staying is the WORST thing you can do.

So I've done the right thing?

I can't help feeling - he's going through so much, and I should be supporting, not running. And that some of what's gone on is understandable.

But then I don't think he respects me. You don't say stuff like that to someone do you? Constantly criticise and mock.

Emzoj..... has he always been like this, or has it been slowly getting worse?

I think for me it was ok at first, little 'jokes' etc, but then as we started to argue, as I felt the weight of little digs and of being left alone a lot, it got worse and worse.

OP, please read some other threads on here - the ones where people say 'I've finally done it! After 5/10/20 years I've left the bastard!'

And then they ALL say without fail: 'I only wish I'd done it years ago...'

Also.......don't wait until you have 2 dc like me. I feel so bad that they don't live with daddy anymore. My 3 year old asks for him every day and has a count down to the weekends.

There were signs very very early on but I didn't listen to them.

Wellwobbly......fantastic post. Exactly right.

Giantpurple....yes!!!!! You have done the right thing. Listen to your inner voice and trust it. Xxx

You worry so much about how they will cope with their inadequate personalities that you forget about the freedom and peace you will gain once you get to the other side of the separation. They don't worry about you - the effect that their EA is having upon yourselves so why worry about them? I think that some of us stay with men like that longer than we should because we are too self-less and we over-empathise. Ber a bitch just this once - it is liberating and will lead to the right outcome. They survive and cope, you'd be surprised especially if they have an entourage of toxic friends and relatives in tow.

Purple, you have SO done the right thing.

Nobody ever has a right to hurt and demean another person. You have had hard times too, haven't you?

Did you lash out at people then? No, you didn't. It is no excuse.

He talked to you like that because he doesn't value you at all.

Hi Emz. Have read your posts and there is one phrase that you have used at least twice to describe your partner - that he is "a hot head". Does that mean that because he's a hot head he can lose his temper, be verbally and emotionally abusive but it's understandable because he is this so called "hot head". I suspect that you use this phrase so that you do not have to use words such as abusive, manipulative, controlling. By referring to him as "a hot head" you are minimising his abusive behaviour.

Is he "a hot head" around others? At work? In front if his boss? Or is he able to cool this head of his when need be but he doesn't with you because he doesn't have to and probably doesn't want to.