Trying to trust him but he isn't helping

[gingerbreadshoes]

Posted before about dp's EA which I told him had to end along with all further contact. He agreed to do this and since then I have tried my best to trust him since.

I have had a couple of times since where I feel as though he is hiding something due to him being very protective of his phone.

So tonight I did a very silly thing and picked his phone up to check it. He has gone and put a password on it!!

I am well aware that I shouldn't have tried to check it but he has never had a password on it before and when I found out about the EA I wasn't checking the phone she happened to text whilst I was stood next to the phone so I read the first line without knowing what would unfold.

Obviously I can't now ask him why but as soon as he came into the room he instantly picked it up. He couldn't find it the other day before he went out and was panicking and searching for it everywhere before he would leave.

Just now it showed a message waiting on fb so for all I know they are still communicating even though they have defriended one another.

I feel so so sick and want to cry he has just come in and picked it up and taken it out of the room. I want to believe him but I am having trouble right now.

So as not to drip feed he is on AD and we tried to dtd recently and he couldn't manage to do it but blamed the ADs.

I have no one to talk to in rl and if I read this I would think ltb but I can't and I don't want to hurt out ds as he would be heartbroken

Is there not one person you could share this with ?

Sometimes compassion and understanding can come from unexpected places

Forget your ignorant and idiotic family who would rather have you unhappy and trapped than free and happy

Confide in one friend and take it from there

You sound articulate and friendly, I bet you have some great mates who would be appalled at how you are living

Above all, stop pretending everything is ok because it is not

Why can't you have his facebook password?

Relationships should be totally open. You have reason more than most to have no secrets/ password locked sections in yours.

I did confide in one friend who I have known for a few years but she is very busy as she has older children so we don't manage to meet up often and she cancelled our most recent one.

Other than her there really isn't anyone although I did speak to a hv (not in my area though) and she was a great listener but she did tell me that I had to let him spend time feeling unhappy even though I couldn't understand why he felt that way.

AnyFucker I do spend most of my time pretending everything is ok because whilst my family and his know about what happened not one of them has asked me about it or how I am even at the very beginning when I was obviously upset.

If one of them did ask me how things were I would be honest but it is as though nothing has happened. I do know that my dsis and ddad both know but neither of them have spoken to me about it, it's as though they want to ignore it so I don't feel that I could call them and chat.

I also hate the way no one can be trusted to keep what I would say to themselves as I know they have discussed it behind my back which would be ok if they then said the same things to me

he still doesn't seem to understand why having contacting with another woman behind my back was not acceptable.

It is not that he doesn't see, it is that he disagrees.

Ginger, how old are your children? Here is a FREE resource: Al-anon. It is tailored especially for people like you and me : people who don't think they have rights to stand up for themselves, who don't think their needs for respect and care count, who allow other people to tramp all over them.

Make it your goal next week: 1. find your nearest al-anon meeting, 2. TELL him you are going to a meeting and he will have to babysit (or arrange for someone to babysit when if he sabotages it) and 3. GO.

that 1. 2. 3? Is your own personal Everest. If you can commit to doing these things? You will be on the road to asserting yourself as a valuable and worthwhile human being. You will be declaring some independence from him, and you will be investing in yourself.

I know how hard 1 2 3 is. Took me years! And all the time you can't do it?

Is telling you how much you live through him and look to HIM to make you feel happy about yourself. A person who does not care what you think or feel.

Whose problem is that? His, or yours?

why stress and upset yourself over this, just let him go, find someone who deserves YOU and forget him, sorry but like other posts say you don't trust him, never will again, don't beat yourself up over what HE did, still doing

Wellwobbly I have googled Al-non but as it is for relations of alcholics would I would feel odd turning up.

I know I don't trust him at the moment but I'm hoping that I will again.

As I said before this is his last chance now so any other dishonest behaviour and that is the end of us .

I see what you mean by him disagreeing with me over the contact. In his mind he was doing nothing wrong but to me it was the way he went about it, all the secrecy when asked about her early on etc.

Had he have been straight with me when he first met her this situation would not have come about as I would have known and not minded in the same way.

when dh and i were having a really really bad patch, not OW related - but pretty fucking bad, i realised i had to get my own life - then whatever happened with 'us' i wouldn't be left in the shit.

I also at that point, started to keep a close eye on where money went - not cos DH was secretly spending - just so i had back - up money for a rental deposit etc. and when he asked me why - i told him.

That is a good idea, I am now looking into doing things on my own so that I have free time away from ds as he does.

I will also try and save a bit extra as an emergency fund and also look into what help I would be entitled to if we did split so if it does happen I will know what to do.

Don't worry about that at all Ginger. First of all, if you look at the generations above you you will most probably find someone who used alcohol to manage emotions, and if you are one of those rare teetotal families, it is for learning to detach, focus on yourself and STOP trying to manage someone else/carrying shame and guilt and secrecy/live your life thinking someone else will make you happy.

I assure you you qualify as needing to go!

So for instance my H does definitely drink too much, but it doesn't 'affect' him yeah, right. I drink about 10% of what he does and yet I am the one who will get too 'jolly' and loud at a party...

So at Al-anon they will talk about 'my alcoholic' and how he hurts them and they still love him, the rage, the shame, the battles, the guilt, the hurt, the excuses, the lack of caring, the twisting round and blaming, the not being heard and what THEY are doing to fix themselves...

the stories are all the same. What they talk about, is my story. But in my head it is his cheating and coldness, although - the drinking it all comes from the same source. Oh yes, drinking and cheating and disrespecting your wife are all come from the same place.

So go Ginger, seriously. What you would be going for would be to learn to detach, to not have him affect you so much, to find your own sources of serenity and happiness, to stop trying to 'change' him. Same banana, really.