Trying to trust him but he isn't helping

[gingerbreadshoes]

Posted before about dp's EA which I told him had to end along with all further contact. He agreed to do this and since then I have tried my best to trust him since.

I have had a couple of times since where I feel as though he is hiding something due to him being very protective of his phone.

So tonight I did a very silly thing and picked his phone up to check it. He has gone and put a password on it!!

I am well aware that I shouldn't have tried to check it but he has never had a password on it before and when I found out about the EA I wasn't checking the phone she happened to text whilst I was stood next to the phone so I read the first line without knowing what would unfold.

Obviously I can't now ask him why but as soon as he came into the room he instantly picked it up. He couldn't find it the other day before he went out and was panicking and searching for it everywhere before he would leave.

Just now it showed a message waiting on fb so for all I know they are still communicating even though they have defriended one another.

I feel so so sick and want to cry he has just come in and picked it up and taken it out of the room. I want to believe him but I am having trouble right now.

So as not to drip feed he is on AD and we tried to dtd recently and he couldn't manage to do it but blamed the ADs.

I have no one to talk to in rl and if I read this I would think ltb but I can't and I don't want to hurt out ds as he would be heartbroken

[AnyFucker]

that is very good advice ^^

take it, OP

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Have you considered counselling?
if he is still interested in this rs then he should be prepared to work at it. so it might give you an indication of whether he is going to make the effort.

if not it might be time to start finding about his finances and making moves to get out.
if he can get away with treating you like the little woman and make you feel guilty and paint himself as the victim in all this then he pretty much has it made and will have his cake and eat it.

next to you ask to see his phone and he says if you want to stoop so low, just say thank you, take it and check it and then ask for his fb password as well. make it clear you have nothing to be ashamed of and you will not be made to feel guilty for his actions.

trust has to be earned. his balance is currently in the red.

also, is it worth speaking to her. keep your friends close, your enemies closer. I think it is much harder for people to have any kind of clandestine rs with your partner if they have had to look you in the eye. and if they have nothing to hide, why hide?

[TurnipCake]

Sounds as though he's still at it after giving you some lip service, but as AF said, it's irrelevant.

He doesn't respect you, gets angry at you for raising things and there's silence if you dare to mention you're upset.

You can't trust someone, or even have a relationship if they're not interested in having a relationship. His feet are certainly under the table, as this benefits him. You on the other hand are existing, and that's no way to live.

[StellarLights]

"The reason I don't want to ask him about it is because he would get angry and stop speaking to me which creates an awful atmosphere."

So? If he get's angry then that's his own problem, also why would he get angry if he has nothing to hide? If he went off into a strop I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and that this conversation isn't going anywhere, whether he has a strop or not.

This is coming from someone who's DP has anger problems.

"I asked to look at his phone to which he said I could if I really wanted to stoop to that level."

I'd have replied with "Yes I will thanks, seeing as I know exactly what levels you will stoop too."
I would have still checked, does he have FB on his phone? Maybe you could access that through there too?

"think they use fb which has a password and he would never give me that."

WHAT? Really? I know all of my DP's passwords, if he refused to tell me his FB password given the circumstances then I would leave, again if he has nothing to hide then he will be open.

"He hasn't made any effort to regain my trust he exptects me to have gotten over it without any bother on his side. He has always given off an attitude of 'it's your problem' if I feel upset by anything he has said or done, he really cannot see that he needs to help me."

Well here's the thing, this entire situation is HIS problem. It's HIS problem that he betrayed his wife and had an EA and now it's HIS problem to fix if he wants to lead a happy family life.

You could leave it, you could get over him and move on with your life however he will always be left behind knowing what he lost and exactly why he lost it, this isn't your problem.

Remember something, you have the upper hand here, not him.
He is supposed to be grovelling at your feet for what he's done, he doesn't get to turn everything back on you!

His EA, his problem, his life he needs to fucking sort out.

[SirRaymondClench]

What is he actually doing to make this right with you?

[Lweji]

"trust has to be earned"
Should be your reply to his objections.
Just keep repeating.

And, yes, show him the door if he's not transparent as clean water.

[Fairenuff]

What is stopping you from leaving this man?

Living like this is just giving him permission to carry on cheating.

Why have you not ended it?

[Lweji]

BTW, exH was an arse, but he knew my passwords (except work email) and I knew his, which were usually the same anyway.

And even though I do have a password on my phone, tablet and computer, those are in case they get stolen. My son knows them too.

[gingerbreadshoes]

Now off out but will reply later

[Jan45]

Having a password on your phone is normal, it's for security, that is not the problem, the problem is he is treating you as though he doesn't actually regret any of it and yes, is probably still in contact. Develop a backbone, get angry, explain to him trust has to be earned, he was in the wrong so should be doing his damndest to regain your trust, not argue with you like you're in the wrong.

[Wellwobbly]

'The unified theory of cake' - chumplady.com

This man is emotionally abusive Ginger and he will continue to disrespect you and take you for granted all the time you allow him to

don't ask me how I know this

[Dearjackie]

You know what OP the day I REALLY started standing up for myself and refusing to allow him to walk all over me ( yet accuse me all the time of treating HIM like shit) was the time HE left ME. So proving what I had felt in my gut along along, he only cared about himself! And I was only suitable so long as everything was on his terms. Huge power imbalance. Take back some power and test whether your relationship stands it, then at least it's built on equality

[str8tothepoint]

Get rid, sorry but I have experience of this when my OM was caught he only set up a new email account totally different from last one and would only talk when alone. Where as before he would talk when DP there with him. Cheats and Liars never change. Be strong, got lots of support here, your the strongest one. Things between were more intense and closer than before affair was caught. No proud but it happened and learned from my mistakes

[gingerbreadshoes]

I am amazed at how many of you know your partners password He knows my email, if he has remembered it, and fb and mn are always logged in on my phone so he could look if he wanted to.

I haven't ended it because I don't want to be on my own as I am afraid I will never meet anyone else. I know this makes me pathetic but I can't imagine having to move house and him having ds on his own although there are many people who cope with this.

I have mentioned counselling before but he isn't very keen on the idea. I also don't think he would be honest with them so it would be a waste of time.

I am going to try and speak to him again tonight as so far we are only speaking when necessary.

It is difficult though when he doesn't show any remorse about his actions and I'm guessing his friends agree with him that they were just two people who having a bad time at home and were helping one another.

[Squitten]

He isn't sorry because he doesn't care about you. He doesn't care that he almost ruined your marriage and probably thinks even less of you than he did before now that you are showing yourself willing to tolerate his behaviour.

Staying with someone purely because you are afraid of being on your own is the worst reason to do it. The fact that that is the only reason you can give suggests that, in reality, your relationship is over and you're just clinging to the wreckage in terror of the unknown.

YOU need counselling. Not with him, but for YOURSELF so you can work on your self-esteem and build yourself up to be strong enough to tell him where to go.

[nkf]

Poor poor you. I know how this sort of situation can see you feeling tied in knots. One thing I found helpful was when I realised that I didn't have to trust him. When he told me things, I could think, "There goes that lying liar lying again" and I wasn't trying to believe the impossible any more. Trust isn't necessarily something that comes because you want it. It's built up over weeks and months and years and it's fragile and precious. He broke it and you can't be expected to put it together again. You can live without trust. Lots of people do, but you can't pretend you have it if you don't. Good luck.

[Dearjackie]

ginger I would advise against going to counselling with him. When I managed to get my ex to go with me, it was just another platform for him to accuse me of distrust, paranoia and to turn it round on me saying I was controlling him. I hardly got a word in edge ways. He humiliated me.

Go alone if you want to go , it may help you clarify things in your mind

[AnyFucker]

Who the hell brought you up to think you can't live without a disrespectful Arsewipe like this man ?

This is so sad, and so frustrating


This is 2013, sweetie. Get yourself to individual counselling and find some self respect, for the sake of the appalling example you are both showing your son, if not for yourself

[tallwivglasses]

I was about to post pretty much everything AF just said. OP, this man is grinding you down and sucking the life and joy out of you. :(

[Floatsyourboat]

I find it incredible how you don't have access to his phone, email & fb! If he didn't have anything to hide then he wouldn't have a password on it! I have access to everything of my husbands and he has access to all mine. Ask him why he has a lock and then ask him to remove it! Remind him if he has nothing to hide then he won't mind leaving it around unlocked.

[tribpot]

I haven't ended it because I don't want to be on my own

But you are on your own. You clearly aren't with someone who wants to mend his marriage or treat you with respect. Sorry, OP, but I think you're flogging a dead horse. He doesn't feel remorse. He will do it again, if he isn't already.

[gingerbreadshoes]

We have had a chat and he still doesn't seem to understand why having contacting with another woman behind my back was not acceptable. He did apologise for talking to her about me - god knows what he told her as once she knew I knew she text him to say it might make me buck my ideas up!

I do believe he is a very selfish, self centered person because he cannot see a problem with what he did just what he told her. He does have a lot of female friends which is why I think he sees it as being ok. I did say to him again that had he have told me about who she was when I first asked then none of this would have happened as he wouldn't have been lying to me.

Anyway he has said that he does love me and isn't in contact with her anymore. I want to see how things go but after reading the replies on here I know that if I feel a sense of doubt again then I do have to act on it and leave him.

However this wouldn't be easy for me to do and I would face a great deal of opposition from members of my family purely because they wouldn't want/agree with me having to move house as I truly think they believe I should shut up and put up hence why I post on here and don't talk to them in rl.

I know I need to start doing things for myself as he has quite a few hobbies whereas I spend my spare time with ds. I have found out about a couple of things I would enjoy doing so I will be getting out more in the future hopefully.

I'm not sure about going for counselling alone because it isn't something which is seen as the done thing within my family - again it would be viewed as a fuss about nothing and not taken seriously if they found out.

[AnyFucker]

Your family don't have to live with this Dick and have their self esteem battered by him

No big surprise to see your family have very skewed perceptions about what constitutes a healthy relationship

Have you had a look at the "stately homes" long running support thread, love ?

[tribpot]

But they're not living your life, gingerbreadshoes, you are. There's no reason they should know about counselling, and if they did - so what? It's your life, your choice.

Definitely start to develop your own interests and put yourself first a bit. It may help you to see that the world does not revolve around your family and what they think about things.

[gingerbreadshoes]

I have had a read of that thread and I can see similar situations to what I have experienced.

I find it very hard to go against what is expected of me. I also think that if I was on my own with ds I would have people taking over possibly without them realising they are doing it.

I am spending more time with friends but at the moment they aren't really people that I feel I could discuss this with.