I just feel so resentful and I'm ashamed

[Needtowhinge]

DH spent 4 years training as a teacher. 4 years that cost us a lot of money - he still has a grant loan that he can't pay back as he doesn't earn enough. Just before he graduated his dad died of cancer - DH went off the rails completely. I was 6 months pregnant but he just couldn't cope with that or his college work. He managed to scrape a 2.2 but when everyone else was busy getting jobs he was busy going AWOL and getting drunk. I was sympathetic - still am to a certain extent and kept things going as well as poss. He took a low-paid job as a care assistant for adults with learning difficulties - paid peanuts and cr*p hours. Then he stopped that and became a self-employed builder - slightly more peanuts but bigger expenses!! He has twice got a huge overdraft which we've paid off with a flexible loan (trust me it makes sense in terms of the apr). We scrape by financially and it gets worse - can't see things getting any easier until the kids have left home in 15 years or so. I have always worked even when the babies were tiny although with no#3 I started part-time (30 hours). I don't really mind working - even if I' had the choice I would probably work anyway.

What I really resent is never ever having any money. A good friend is getting married soon and I didn't have anything lovely to wear - I went out and I just couldn't beleive how expensive it all was. Came home with nothing - DH just said that I should got for it and but something really nice but if he'd said it with a big wad of cash to hand me it might have been more helpful . If I'd chosen to stay at home with the kids perhaps I wouldn't mind so much but I didn't - I've always worked and I'm worn to a frazzle! I'm 41, I work 30 hours a week and we're broke. And he has the means to make it better at his bloody fingertips - but he won't because teaching didn't suit him! A friend brought it up the other day that he could go back to teaching but he just shrugged and said that it wasn't for him ....sorry but sometimes you just have to get on with it don't you?

OK....that feels better. I don't know whether to mention it to him or not - probably not 'cos I feel so angry and I know it's pointless and a very ugly feeling.

I feel for you..and would say that him choosing not to teach would be a bit like you cutting your hours and saying you want to stay with the kids more. Sometimes we just have to suck it up. If it were me I would have to say something becuase otherwise I would be so foul mooded with him it would just come out any way. Can you try to sit down together calmly and go over finances, including how much his current work pays and what the benefits of it are etc.
One of the reasons I trained to be a teacher ( i don't teach now) is because it works so well with the school holidays etc and has another big impact on child care costs, but depression is no picnic to live with either as you already know

Would it be possible for you to be the sole earner and him be a SAHD? Dh and I were going to do that earlier this year, because he was so fed up with his job. Luckily, he got head-hunted, so it never happened (I could never have earnt enough for it to be more than a career break for a year), but I was willing to do it..

Thanks Apronstrings,

maybe I should but tbh I feel guilty that I accepted it before but am getting shirty about it now. At the time he was in such a state and I was tied up with a baby so it didn't seem appropriate. I think it's the horrible realisation of out financial situation and the knowledge that it's not getting better that got to me. Each month there is less and less to spare and more and more to spend. I worry about it all the time and it sometimes feel that worry and work is all I do. Meanwhile friends are off abroad every year, new cars etc etc. I'm not a particularly materialistic normally but at the moment it seems to rankle. BTW the school hols would really take the pressure off if he taught.

I have actually thought of leaving him over this but compared to what some women have to deal with it seems so petty.

Dior - I've thought about it. But to get a much better paid job I'd need to commute and go back to full-time. The nearest likely place for a suitable job is 45 miles away and I'd never see the children at all. I know that plenty of people do that and it is an option but it's one I'd rather avoid. I did it for years and years prior to kids and it was horrible. Also DH doesn't want to be a SAHD. But it's an option that I suppose we need to consider if I'm expecting him to consider teaching again.

Why doesn't he like teaching? I ask because a friend of mine trained as a teacher and worked in a hellish inner city comprehensive - she hated it, nearly had a breakdown. She now teaches at an ever so exclusive girls' private school and says it's a whole different world. Would that be something he would consider (my friend had to abandon all her ideals about education) or is it teaching per se that he feels is not for him?

Marthamoo - I don't think that he had really bad experiences. Most of his schools were in villages or leafy suburbs although his first actual job (all 2 terms of it!!) was in quite a rough area of town. He just found it too much like hard work and hated the admin. He has mentioned working with SN and maybe that would be a way forward but I guess that would mean more than just a 3 month refresher course.

Sorry - should have added that he'd rather have a red hot poker in his eye than teach in a private school!!

It sounds as if the current situation is unsustainable, both financially and emotionally. FWIW, I am the sole earner in my house, and probably would be even if dh was well enough to work. This isn't what I would choose, all things being equal, but we have a reasonable compromise taking into account his poor health.

I would not be happy at all in your situation, but I think you need to understand the details, what exactly are your monthly outgoings and incomings, what would you like to have to be able to spend on clothes (not a criticism, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a new outfit for a wedding), how is that all to be achieved?

You need to get a grip on your finances first, I think you are carrying debt so I will point you at \link{http://boards.fool.co.uk/Messages.asp?bid=50079\The Motley Fool's Dealing With Debt} board for advice on putting a budget together.

After that you can have a much more meaningful discussion about what you both need to be doing. I don't belive that anyone should be forced into a job they don't want to do because it's so soul destroying, but there are compromises which can be made. For example, he could do private tuition in the evenings? FWIW, my brother is a self-employed builder so I know it's a tough life. My SIL watches the finances extremely carefully, she is a SAHM at the mo. They have enough. I think you don't have enough, and that's the difference. It doesn't really matter what the definition of "enough" is, as long as you and your dh can agree on it.

Our debt is OK atm Tribpot. It's carefully controlled beleive me....I watch the pennies very carefully. There is a loan which we can pay off in about a year and the student loan which isn't an issue as DH doesn't earn over the threshold. But it's very very tight. I simply want more coming in to make things easier - easier on me mainly as I'm the one who makes end meet and worries all the time.

The evening tuition idea is one to think over - thanks

I'd really resent this tbh. I know it's not any help to you but I just would. I don't particularly love my job (I don't hate it either it has to be said!) but I have to do it, of it pays me the most amount of money for the least amount of effort of anything I'm qualified to do. And if I was single and childless then maybe I'd be doing something else, earning less and spending less but I see that I have an obligation to my family, as does your dh I think.

And your 30 hours a week is just 5 hours short of what is considered full time where I work! I know 35 hours isn't considered full time in plenty of places though but still, you are practically working full time is my point.

So I think if he doesn't want to teach (and in your position I'd be all unreasonable and be snarling things like 'well wtf didn't you work that out BEFORE you spent FOUR WHOLE YEARS DOING IT FFS?!!! not that I'd recommend this of course, but I think I'd be snarling all the same) then he needs to put some serious effort in to making enough money to contribute IMO.

Sorry, I don't think that's very constructive but I don't think you're being unreasonable and I'd be resentful in your position too. You know, I'd be really sympathetic if he'd been or was a sahp, I think THAT'S a meaningful, valid, worthwhile contribution. But I do think if he's got the means to get you out of a financial mess then he ought to just grit his teeth and get on and bloody well do it. It's not as if it's prostitution, it's teaching!

I'm not surprised you are pissed off.
I'd be fucking livid!!!!!

Im with WWW im afraid.

He needs to get his arse into gear and do something for the family. He spent four years doing something "for himself" by training to be a teacher. So, he didnt like it? Tough shit.

He's not young free and single. He has a family and he has debts and bills to pay. Thousands of people go out to work every day to a job they thoroughly loathe. They dont do it through choice. They do it because they need to. Its a means to an end.

It seems to me that he wants things to fall into his lap, and is under the illusion that life should be easy if only he found the right profession.

I understand that depression causes apathy. But depression can be dealt with, but of course, he needs to get of his butt and sort it out, doesnt he?

me too

no solution for you though sorry

is his current role as a builder something that he can progress in and will ultimately bring in more money? If not and he was my dp i think i would really want him to consider giving teaching another go - even if you agree it is only for a few years till the kids are bigger and then he could go back to a job he enjoys more. From what you've said it doesn't really sound as though he gave teaching a proper go? maybe once he saw the extra pennies and holidays he would think it not so bad. What sounds the worst thing about your sistuation is that you don;t think it will change. I think you need to explain to himn that a situation that was OK for a temporary period is not ok when it actually becomes your life full stop. I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed of - you've coped and managed for a good while with this but now you want things a bit better. I can totally relate to having no money but i am kept going by the idea that things will be easing a bit financially over the next couple of years.

I know VVQV (sorry if I missed off a letter there...) My sils on both sides are teachers and they work bloody hard in termtimes and during the hols but during the hols they can at least work at home and therefore provide childcare (even if distracted by preparation).

The situation won't improve now as I can't see him getting a huge payrise. He's 43. I've opted to go part-time so given up all right to promotion and big pay rises according to my company (no I've not been told that directly but it's obvious by recent events) and anyway I want to be able to devote my energies and time to the kids as much as possible.

I am so glad that I'm not the only one who feels the situation is pants. I've been stewing for a while and thinking I was being unfair.

oh feck - 43

NTW - i know what you mean about the prospects for part time workers - am currently taking my ex employers to tribunal for just such a thing.

I really think you need to have a long chat with your DP - he needs a reality check.

totally agree with www, especially that 30 hours hardly counts as "part-time" - it's only 1 hour less per day fhs!

NTW - my dh doesn't like his new job (the head-hunted one), because, from working at home he has gone to 3 hours' commuting a day. We originally thought that being in an office environment would allow him to have some interaction with people, but he is in an office with him and one other colleague! He is hating it and getting depressed about the next 30 years being stuck in a job he 'hates'.

I have the opposite situation. I have gone from full-time child care of ds to haveing a few hours a day free because he is now at school. I offered again for me to work while he takes a break and sorts his head out, but he realises that he is the only one in this family who can earn enough to keep us fed/housed/warm etc. He feels stuck and not sure what he really wants to do, a bit like your dh. However, he is doing it all the same.

I think your dh needs to do something with the degree that he worked for. There must be positions in the education environment that he would enjoy, even if it is not actual teaching. He sounds like he needs a good talking to. It is really unfair on you. If you had loads of money, I could understand his attitude more, but you don't.

'Having'

needtowhinge, I don't think you're being unfair at all, I think it's quite legitimate to expect your DH to put a bit more effort into finding a job - one he can tolerate, obviously - that will bring in a bit more cash.

Can't add anything useful, just wanted to say I really feel for you. Not me but someone I knew was in exactly the same position. ...sorry subject too raw and just had to delete a load that I had typed... not explaining myself properly but she felt more and more bitter about that side of things but never changed it in the end she loved him for other things. Sometimes life is well can't express it but just wanted to say your posting has probably touched a lot of people myself included... I can imagine just how frazzled you must be I have seen it in my friend for far too long and it has not changed. Sorry.

I think Dior's post has summed it up really. It's clear from her post that she's discussed this with her DH, has offered to do her bit and they've negotiated a joint decision; so it's very unlikely that her DH will be resentful towards her because of his situation; whereas in your situation, it sounds as if you feel that your DH hasn't understood his responsibility to pull his weight. It's one thing doing a job you hate because there's no other practical option for the family just now; but it's quite another if there might be other options which the other responsible adult in the household refuses to consider. That's where resentment creeps in, not just understandably, but pretty inevitably I would think.

if i were you i'd come home and tell him you jacked your job - you didn't like it wand want to go to college to "find yourself" tell him its his turn to take the burden and you want to take up fecking pottery the selfish twat.

custardo, I LOVE YOU!!!

I am v.meek& mild type of person & would LOVE
to have your kind of attitude!