I just feel so resentful and I'm ashamed

[Needtowhinge]

DH spent 4 years training as a teacher. 4 years that cost us a lot of money - he still has a grant loan that he can't pay back as he doesn't earn enough. Just before he graduated his dad died of cancer - DH went off the rails completely. I was 6 months pregnant but he just couldn't cope with that or his college work. He managed to scrape a 2.2 but when everyone else was busy getting jobs he was busy going AWOL and getting drunk. I was sympathetic - still am to a certain extent and kept things going as well as poss. He took a low-paid job as a care assistant for adults with learning difficulties - paid peanuts and cr*p hours. Then he stopped that and became a self-employed builder - slightly more peanuts but bigger expenses!! He has twice got a huge overdraft which we've paid off with a flexible loan (trust me it makes sense in terms of the apr). We scrape by financially and it gets worse - can't see things getting any easier until the kids have left home in 15 years or so. I have always worked even when the babies were tiny although with no#3 I started part-time (30 hours). I don't really mind working - even if I' had the choice I would probably work anyway.

What I really resent is never ever having any money. A good friend is getting married soon and I didn't have anything lovely to wear - I went out and I just couldn't beleive how expensive it all was. Came home with nothing - DH just said that I should got for it and but something really nice but if he'd said it with a big wad of cash to hand me it might have been more helpful . If I'd chosen to stay at home with the kids perhaps I wouldn't mind so much but I didn't - I've always worked and I'm worn to a frazzle! I'm 41, I work 30 hours a week and we're broke. And he has the means to make it better at his bloody fingertips - but he won't because teaching didn't suit him! A friend brought it up the other day that he could go back to teaching but he just shrugged and said that it wasn't for him ....sorry but sometimes you just have to get on with it don't you?

OK....that feels better. I don't know whether to mention it to him or not - probably not 'cos I feel so angry and I know it's pointless and a very ugly feeling.

Inside I am V.asertive, just doesn't seem to come out my mouth!

Hey Caligula! I've always wanted to do something artistic with flowers.....perhaps this is my chance . At a party a few years back he was chatting to an old friend and DH was explaining how things were work-wise....and I chipped in and explained that I was still selling my soul so that he could follow his dreams! I laughed, the friend laughed...DH had the decency to look embarrased.

He is, in a every other way, a really good guy. But he hates taking responsibility (scary shades of his dad who walked out on his family when they were all tiny 'cos 3 kids under 6 was too much for him apparently ). I've been the one in charge for so long that I almost got used to it but now I just can't do any more....taking on the worry of his f**king overdraft on top of everything else 'cos he was just dealing with it in a rabbit in the headlights mode whilst the bank charged him £30 a month plus interest. I remember years ago when we first moved in together he was the only one working and he used to be so sensible - always the one who said we couldn't afford stuff and being really careful. Thinking about it that was the last time he wore a suit.....hmmm. Might see if it still fits him....

Spent hours trying to think things over last night but I am really going to have to tackle him this weekend.

What about supply teaching. He doesn't have to prepare for lessons and doesn't have marking to do. He can pick if he wants to go to a school or not. I've heard supply teaching is well paid, how true this is I don't know.

Having experienced this somewhat with dh, I really sympathise. I agree that you have to tell him to wake up to himself and tkae some responsibility. I ended up telling dh that I wouldn't divorce him, but it was eating away at my respect for him, and if I ended up having someone who was like an extra child, it would be the end of what was worthwhile in our marriage. And also that although I wouldn't have a go at him explicitly about it in front of the kids, eventually they would pick up on it too and would lose respect for him. It was an effective wake-up call.

However, can I point out that teaching is a disastrous profession for those who are timid/unwilling. The kids eat you alive if they sense that you are going through the motions, and it's not fair on the students or him really. I would have no qualms about telling him to clean toilets at night as a second job, but I really don't think teaching is a great idea for filling in time. Whereas you can get away with it in many adult jobs.

Sorry...that should have been to Custardo . Reading to early in the morning before tea...

I also agree with Bloss re teaching. It really is one job where if you don't want to do it, you shouldn't be there, not just for your own and family's sake, but for that of the children you are inflicting yourself upon.

But he might not hate it if it were different typese of schools/ supply/ private etc. It's surely something that should be explored. Given that he did actually bother to go through the training, it's unlikely that he's really found out it's definitely not for him - I have a friend who was horrified to find she hated teaching when she did her work experience, but then when she tried another school, she realised she didn't hate it, she'd just hated the experience she'd had. Is that his problem?

AnnieMac - he can't function at home. He can't motivate himself to do anything - he was unemployed for a while before he started teacher training and hated it. He doesn't like his own company - unlike me.

Caligula - I think that is a good idea, to think of something non-mainstream. He always preferred the idea of teaching SN pupils. As both you and Bloss suggested teaching when your heart isn't in it wouldn't work which is why I've not spoken to him about it before - but I'm not sure that 2 terms in a tough school when he was still a bit shell-shocked from fils death isn't neccessarily a thorough test. I still think he could have another go but I might approach it from a different angle.

I think what upsets me is that when he started his course 14 years ago it was supposed to be a new start.

I've been there, there are only so many new starts which turn out to be the same old, same old, that you can tolerate.

Good luck with getting him to think about his options...

I wish I had some better advice for you - I have soooo been there, although not for as long as you have. It's so disheartening...

I deliberately provoked a bit of a crisis in our relationship to try to snap him out of it - and it worked. But if that hadn't we would have been in real trouble.

Now 7-8 years on, I can see traces of the old habits coming back... not nearly as bad, but traces of it. I'm trying to work on it with him, but the fact is that it's part of who he is. I wish it weren't, but it's just who he is, and I suspect we'll both be fighting it for the rest of our lives.