Abusive men, certain jobs?

[gotadifferentnamenow]

Have nc'd for this as enormous potential to out me.

My EA, VA, controlling ex was a prison officer. I'm sure there are hundreds and hundreds of prison officers who are lovely and respectful and who do that job because they care (and equally I know there are plenty of abusive men in very well-regarded 'caring' jobs, or just plain old innocuous ones), but tbh I don't think I'd be willing to take a chance on another potential partner in that kind of job.

Aibu? Of course I have worked out a number of much more important red flags which I'm sure will be far more useful than prejudice about someone's job, but should I be trying to challenge myself about this new 'no prison officers' dating rule or shall I just let it be?

Anyone else have experience of a controlling and abusive partner who worked in an aggressive, hierarchical, 'good vs bad' kind of environment? There is definitely some connection in him effectively being my prison warden too. And I think the amount of abuse he took in the course of his working day contributed to him coming home and taking it out on me. :(

Having been a PO it's a load of bollocks. Exh forces and police. Not like that. There's good and bad everywhere.

I'm married to a police officer.
He is the nicest person I've ever met.

Would never be abusive in any way.

And women do these jobs. And women can be abusive. It's not solely men that do either.

Am sure you're right. I guess it's something I won't fret about until a real situation materialises for me.

My ex worked behind the bar, always around alcohol, drinking everyday. That's what turned him into a abusive knob. Think that could be a job that brings out the worst in people.

Oh god yes believe me I know women can be abusive too - was only thinking of men because had my own experience in mind. I meant to add a "women too" disclaimer to my op but forgot.

I disagree with previous posters actually.

I think that nasty twats are often attracted by into certain professions by the perceived power/authority it can offer them.

Its a separate thing to tarring all of any profession with the same brush of course, but to not believe it happens is naïve imo.

I don't think xp's job "made" him abusive. I do wonder if the same character traits that make him abusive, led him to want to do that job. (I don't mean those same traits are in everyone doing his job.) Probably he would have been an abusive fuckwit no matter what.

But I think his self-perception as a 'rule enforcer' had repercussions for me. I think he dealt with the stress of his job very poorly, with repercussions for me. I think the constant exposure to 'not nice' people warped his view of the world (I faced constant accusations of the most ridiculous kind). The fact that he was trained in control and restraint frightened me, although he was only v rarely violent to me. I wonder if his training and experience of searching cells etc helped in his relentless "investigation" of my every move, belonging, phone call, message etc. These things do feel relevant, to me. But I'm sure he would have picked up a bag of abusive tricks no matter what job he did.

Whether or not there's a correlation you're perfectly entitled to avoid dating men in a specific profession, purely because it may be triggering for you.

Maybe with fifi - dh works in restaurant.

But I'd say that dh's job has affected him loads but not in the way the op thinks but in his culture - he's surrounded by people from his village and they developed this sort of micro culture around them which is is awful.

I can't deal with it.

Picking up on Fanny's point, you only need to choose one person to date/ be your partner. It's your call - you can use any criteria you choose and you don't need to justify it !

All the best in picking a good 'un

I agree with Mrsdevere

My EA, VA, controlling ex was a prison officer too. I agree with gotadifferentnamenow He also had a v warped view of the world, thought everyone was bad & had ulterior motives but I don't think it was the job that 'made' him like that (although he did use the 'control & restraint' methods on me as part of his abuse).
I agree that there's good & bad people (male & female) in all professions. He would have abused me whatever his job had been.
I don't think I'll ever date again no matter what their job is.

My abusive ex was a corporate sales manager. Lots of people who succeed in that sort of business (and business in general) have psychopathic traits.
He had more than his fair share of those. and he was very good at his job
It was also a very sexist environment - strip clubs, sexist language, not respecting women on their team etc.
I think it's more likely he was like that and fitted into the environment than the job made him like that as he's still a total abusive twunt but doesn't work there.

Musicians. I know it sounds weird but drugs, alcohol, inflated sense of self. I would never, ever go near another.

Going on working in a rehab, I might swerve postal workers; doctors; chefs.

Some careers test very high for psychoticism. Fire fighters, racing drivers etc.

My ex worked behind the bar ... always around alcohol, drinking everyday. That's what turned him into a abusive knob. Think that could be a job that brings out the worst in people

I worked behind a bar, it didn't change me into an abusive knob.

I don't believe a persons job has anything to do with it. Abusers are abuser because they have issues male and female. Whatever those fuckwit issues are!

My father not biological but brought me up from been 3 years old till teenager was a senior executive in a global business. He was the most charming, well respected and highly thought of man friends / family knew.. But he was also a violent, psychopathic bastard that used my mother as a punch bag for years and broke most of the major bones in her body.. Proud to say my mother eventually had the courage to leave in secret the evil bastard and took us kids with her. He stalked her for years using his money to find us but she stayed strong. His dead now and i popped a bottle of champagne the day i found out and hoped he died lonely and in agony. Good riddens to the fuckwit! On the other hand, my DF is the MD of a global business and he is genuinely the kindest, most thoughtful and caring man outside of my brother I have ever met. He wouldn't even consider laying a finger on me.. Both these men very success in their chosen fields in business but two very different personalities. Abusers are found in every field. Abusers are abusers full stop..

Is it not the case that most jobs have power relations of one sort or another? An abusive person will exploit these, an empathic person won't.

Where the gap between power is greater (i.e, for example, between prison officers and prisoners), then there is more opportunity to exploit power differentials, so it may be more obvious.

I work in Secure care (mental health)- within a female hospital. The male members of staff are lovely and I think through our recruitment we have really been able to identify male staff who can be positive role models to our service users. They have generally been abused by male figures in the past so its good for the ladies to see that not 'all men' are 'monsters'.

There are some female staff who are utter bitches though.

Inthequitecoach. My father was in a position of power and influence. BUT he was very well respected and received awards and accolades for his work. People didn't fear him, they respected and admired him. The reason he was so respected by his colleagues and employers was because he helped and supported so many of them in achieving their goals. He never exploited his power at work, he used it to help people and deliver for their business. Unless you lived in our house he was one the most charming, kind men people met. The amount of times people told me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful father . He reserved his violence and controlling behaviour for my mother.

Hmmm... My DH is a musician who sometimes works behind a bar too and is kind, gentle and utterly lovely.
I was initially going to come on here and say I would suggest people attracted to high powered corporate jobs might be more likely to have some controlling traits but really, I think jobs aren't a great predictor of abusive behaviour. Agree that you are free to veto people who do a particular job though, simply because its triggering.

My abusive ex was a soldier, police officer and prison warden in a very chaotic and violent country. Judging by his tales he definitely thrived in an environment where he could be violent and oppresive, and he did use his experience and knowledge of how to keep people scared and under his control to keep me that way.

On the other hand, it were the police officers of the DV unit who saw through him and helped me before anybody else, and the women in the caring professions around our family that took his charming, lost little boy shtick at face value.

Me and DP also worked with him behind the bar and didn't turn into weirdos. But ex has serious issues with alcohol. Being behind the bar meant to could drink all day if he chose to. Which he often did. Sober he was just about normal. Drunk he could switch to abusive in every way there is. I guess it's mainly his alcohol issue but the job enabled him to drink.