Abusive men, certain jobs?

[gotadifferentnamenow]

Have nc'd for this as enormous potential to out me.

My EA, VA, controlling ex was a prison officer. I'm sure there are hundreds and hundreds of prison officers who are lovely and respectful and who do that job because they care (and equally I know there are plenty of abusive men in very well-regarded 'caring' jobs, or just plain old innocuous ones), but tbh I don't think I'd be willing to take a chance on another potential partner in that kind of job.

Aibu? Of course I have worked out a number of much more important red flags which I'm sure will be far more useful than prejudice about someone's job, but should I be trying to challenge myself about this new 'no prison officers' dating rule or shall I just let it be?

Anyone else have experience of a controlling and abusive partner who worked in an aggressive, hierarchical, 'good vs bad' kind of environment? There is definitely some connection in him effectively being my prison warden too. And I think the amount of abuse he took in the course of his working day contributed to him coming home and taking it out on me. :(

Littlepeapod, I was commenting quite simply on professional positions. if my post offended or upset you, I am sorry. Perhaps I should have said an abusive person may exploit these, not will.

That said, it may be possible that your father was willing to help people in his professional position, because it boosted his professional status. There will absolutely have been self-interest involved; ditto for those going on about how wonderful he was. Exploitation takes many forms. I find it very hard to believe that a truly empathic, non-abusive person would act out of genuine altruism in one setting, and not in another. But that is just my view, and you know your father, not me.

Ambulance service- feeds the ego...

I read a really interesting book recently-Confessions of a Sociopath written by a US lawyer who is a diagnosed sociopath. It's true that certain personalities gravitate to professions/jobs that hold prestige or power and can feed into their egos and needs for power and dominance.

Apparently when these types of people look a life-jobs, relationships etc.-as a game, everything is to be dominated.

Conversely, certain professions or lifestyles can hone abusive tendencies which may have remained less effectively used otherwise. Scary thought though.

My DF was in a job which allowed him the be the 'expert'. I'm sure it cultivated his (already present) narcissistic tendencies as the environment had plenty of 'big men' surrounded by enablers.

Though there may be certain traits for certain jobs, I would definitely caution about making too much of a "connection" and only take things at face-value.

IME some people with the most responsible/caring sounding jobs e.g. psychotherapist trainer or most innocuous-sounding profession e.g. accountant - have been complete jerks.

Inthequietcoach. I wasn't offended at all. I think the point I was trying to make was someone's profession has nothing to do with their abusive tendencies and i very much doubt they choose that profession because it gives them some sort of power over others and trying to link the two is a stretch. Would you mind if i asked whether you had lived in an abusive home/relationship? It's difficult to explain how someone with this kind of complex abusive personality can be two completely different people (the person the world knows and the person at home) unless you have lived with this kind of abuser or been brought up in an abusive home. IMO, Its impossible for anyone that hasn't lived this life or spent many years working with/studying these personalities to ever truly understand what drives these people.

My father never exploited his position at work and helping people didn't boost his professional status. My father had the ability to generate a lot of money for his company and that boosted his professional status and career. He didn't need to help others to move up through the ranks. Helping people progress their career was something he wanted to do and enjoyed doing. Nothing sinister or manipulative in it at all. His controlling and abusive behaviour was only ever directed at home. My father could have been a surgeon, bus driver, sales man, teacher, account or any number of professions and he still would have been lovely / kind / helpful to all except behind our closed doors.