Bleurgh!

[AcidNails]

I work in a very male dominated industry, am the only woman in my area at work etc.

I've always had more masculine interests - football, motorsports, cars, comedy, drink ales / whiskies, watch most sports etc. However I am not a tomboy - I like to look feminine, wear make up, paint nails, do hair nice etc (none of this in work as I spend my days covered in dirt, head in engines etc!)

I share my office space with 1 other guy, but neither of us are in there all the time. When we are, we chat a lot about work and stuff out of work - he's told me one of his deepest secrets that only a handful of people know about. We generally have a giggle, plenty of banter etc. He bigs me up to other colleagues, clients and suppliers. He's late 40's and I'm late 20's. He isn't my boss, but is in a higher graded role, and we work together on various projects etc.

A little while back we were chatting - there's a guy in another department who has made it very clear he likes me, and we were talking about that - and he said I'm very intruiging (sp?) in that I'm very relaxed around men (well people in general!), have a wicked sense of humour, always game for a laugh and am very different to most mens' wives - certainly of those we work with. We text occasionally out of work, or if one of us is in but the other off, the one who is off will sometimes text a picture of a pint in a "jealous?!" sort of way.

He is very supportive of me in terms of career, and we do talk about personal things too and give each other advice etc. We socialise in groups out of work occasionally, and he's much the same out of work but more flirty.

I'm finding myself being attracted to him, although I don't want a relationship. I have a partner, although we have an open relationship - my colleague knows this. He also knows I'm bisexual and we've spoken about women we like a little. I'm very private at work and don't like everybody knowing my business, unless I consider them as friends, and then what we talk about stays within our little group, but even then there are things that I don't divulge, and they have no idea about.

I'm now finding myself wondering if he's attracted to me, but have no idea how I'd know. It isn't like I could ask him out as I don't want that. And I couldn't ask him if he's interested in sex as that would be weird??!!!!

Does he try to touch you accidentally - you know, minor things, like brushing past or standing nearer than most people, or patting your arm a lot? He doesn't sound shy, so this would be very typical of a man who fancies you - especially assuming he's single.

Yes but he's quite a touchy feely person anyway, so him touching my arm, brushing past me or hugging me is just very normal!

Why "Bleurgh" though?

Is he in a relationship?

ok, what about lingering eye contact? If you haven't noticed, try that (andtry not to laugh!), just catch his eye when he's being flirty and see if he holds it and there is a 'moment', but if he jokes about it i.e. 'ooh are we flirting' then he's not seriously attracted.

Or when he flirts (as you say, out of work) just ask him 'so are you actually flirting with me?', put him on the spot a bit, if he fancies you he will look a little uneasy/blush a bit/maybe ask you if that's what you'd want, etc.

Yes he is, very similar set up to myself - hence the bleurgh! Also the fact that we work together, share an office and travel overseas together (in a group).

Don't know about lingering eye contact as when we catch each others eye at meetings and stuff we either smile or I look away.

Oh realised we're on an away day in 4 weeks. There'll be 10 of us, but we all tend to gravitate to the people we already know which is usually the 2 of us.

I feel so bloody embarrassed / teenager ish!

he said I'm very intruiging (sp?) in that I'm very relaxed around men (well people in general!), have a wicked sense of humour, always game for a laugh and am very different to most mens' wives

I'm afraid this bit made me think "Bleurgh".

yes me too Vivacia. even before I read your post I was thinking that it was totally unnecessary of him to say that you're not like the other men's wives! That's just derogatory. Is he not able to articulate what it is he likes about YOU without slagging off women in general. I'm afraid that would sour the compliment for me, things like this have been said to me by inarticulate men that aren't over burdened with emotional intelligence and they don't understand why i'm not thrilled.

So, an attraction to somebody you don't want a relationship with is not that rare. I would just be wary of his attitude to women. We are all different, that's allowed.

Very sorry it offended you Vicacia!

But it's hard to put a full conversation into a couple of lines and fully portray the context / meaning.

As in he wasn't slagging anybody off at all, was more I think saying that it's totally different and perhaps not something most of the guys I work with are used to - as in sharing the same interests with a young woman who could give any of them a run for their money.

To be honest I didn't take it as a compliment. At the time I took it as a bit of a sleight as in saying I'm not as good.

ps also, he says you're different to most men's wives. As in, better. Well, you haven't entered into a competition with these wives have you. It would make me wonder why he feels necessary to make that comparison at all. But he has, so, you're not married. You're a single woman. Most married women have children and if so their focus would be more at home than a colleague at work. He says you have a wicked sense of humour. Honestly. does he laugh at your jokes, or does he like it that you find him amusing??

I feel fairly familiar with the sentiment, I don't think it's an original approach.

Cross post sorry!

Yes, I see what you mean. I think it was meant as a compliment to you, a clumsy one though. It's a classic really. "you're not like all the other girls, you're special".

I don't understand what you want from him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the post makes you seem like you're quite flattered by the attention. Are you sure you don't want to allow things to go further?

Considering there are other people involved (co-workers, respective partners etc.) if you don't want things to go further then just carry on having friendly banter with the guy. I don't see why it's such a big issue whether he fancies you or not, tbh.

I'm struggling to understand. It seems to me that the situation is, "There's a colleague at work who I fancy. He's single, I'm in an open relationship. I don't know if he fancies me back, what do I do?". But it just doesn't read like that - there's so much distracting information in your OP.

Just read your OP again. You're in a relationship. Unless you're planning to cheat, or end that relationship, then don't over think it. NObody can force you to cheat with this guy, so just be careful.

While he is busy dropping subtle (ha!) crumbs to let you know he would, reciprocate with subtle clarification that you wouldn't.

Ahh, is it just that you're in an unusual situation at work, unusual relationships at play, and you just want to talk it through here?

Sense of humour thing I dunno, we make each other laugh but then we make other people laugh too.

It wasn't a flattery type of conversation at all though. It was a very frank discussion about the other guy as I has asked his advice on how to deal with it.

Are you more drawn to him than you are to your partner? But you don't know whether the 'thing' with him is real or not? That is a genuine dilemma that I sympathise with.

So, if what other people thought was not a factor AT ALL and there would be no aggro to splitting up, just all change, musical chairs, whose chair would you sit on! his or your partners!? Maybe his? but then, maybe he is single cos that's what he really wants? Maybe it's safe to flirt with you because you are taken and not looking for anything from him?

Kind of yes Vivacia!

If he were to make a move I'd respond. But I'd never be able to make the move myself as all I'd want is just the friendship we have and sex. There's no real way to broach that subject without already knowing he's interested in me sexually if you see what I mean. I would never suggest going for dinner, drinks etc as it isn't what I want at all!

I didn't get the impression he was slagging anyone off, that's rather OTT... & he certainly wasn't saying you weren't as good OP, it was def a compliment.

Tbh, the level of interest he has in you plus the flirting, does indicate he fancies you. But what that means when you're both in relationships I've no idea.

Would you be interested in a relationship with him if he offered?

ah, so it's not like you're falling for this guy really. It's a friendship with a frisson.

What I'm not getting any clear picture of here is how much love/loyalty you have to your partner! Are you in two minds there at all?

x post.

So if you'd like him to make a move, that's not hard to engineer...

Merylz As I understand it the OP has an open relationship, so cheating is not relevant...