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Original poster

AIBU boyfriend won't tell me his payrise

50 replies

wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 09:10

Morning all.

Other half got promoted. Obviously I am really pleased for him, he's work hard and deserves it. Last night I asked him what he'd be earning now and he said 'I'm not telling you - it's private' - I was a bit ?!?!! (Background, been together 3 years, no dc's and just moved into a house of our own 2 weeks ago). It's just hurt my feelings. I work as well - we have our own money. He covers mortgage, I sort bills food etc - so I'm not dependent on him. I just thought that we were a team and ok, granted what you earn is private, but surely not the the woman you share your bed with every night. We have discussed marriage, children etc, but, one day. I told him last night he'd hurt my feelings - but I don't think he gets it. Just want to know what people thought?

OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 17/08/2013 09:14

I'd be shocked, I know what DP earns and always have. He knows what I earn, too. Could it be that the promotion was less than expected, though, so he's embarrassed? Is he that type of person? If not, I'd be worried that he's already wanting to keep his money all for himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2013 09:21

Why such secrecy as well, is he secretive in other areas of your relationship too?. Whose idea was it to move in together?.

You write that he covers the mortgage; are you actually named on it also or make payments to it?. I am wondering if moving in with him two weeks ago will turn out to be an error on your part.

heidihole · 17/08/2013 09:22

I wouldn't stand for that. Either you're a team or you're individuals. He needs to decide.

Suelford · 17/08/2013 09:26

Has he given any other reason beyond "it's private"? Do you have form for earmarking money for holidays/sofas/whatever?

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2013 09:31

So if you were to split up, he gets to keep the house and you don't have anything? If that's the case you're making a huge mistake living with him. Is he secretive in other ways? Did you know his salary before?

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 09:38

Yeah. His general nature is quite secretive. I am on the mortgage with him - named.

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 17/08/2013 09:39

If the house and mortgage are in his name then you are technically dependent on him. Or do you mean you earn enough to cover the mortgage yourself if need be (ie you could afford to buy a house on your salary alone)?

3 years is a long time to be with someone and not be sharing financial information. Personally I wouldn't be contemplating marriage and children with this man. I've read too many threads on MN where men say that their money is their own and none of their partner's business. Don't allow yourself to be put in the position where you are dependent on him (ie SAHM with children).

difficultpickle · 17/08/2013 09:40

If you are on the mortgage with him I assume the house is in joint names. Tenants in common or joint tenants?

SunnyIntervals · 17/08/2013 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/08/2013 09:42

It is more than being 'hurt' that he wont share this with you - it's a red flag as to how he sees money, your relationship, his commitment to you. He would be an arse of the first order re money if you had kids, were on maternity leave, became a SAHM. I can pretty much guarantee he would keep 'his' money and you would be left using your savings/child benefit it and going cap in hand for grocery money each week.

Is this the first sign of him being funny around money?

bluebell234 · 17/08/2013 09:44

my ex was like that.
his parents taught him so.
to me its the first seeds of separation.
I will watch this thread with interest.
I wish you all the luck op.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/08/2013 09:45

I would be getting out of that relationship now, rather than bring a lifetime of misery upon myself... but that's what comes of being older & wiser maybe Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2013 09:46

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do you trust him deep down?

bluebell234 · 17/08/2013 09:49

what will he say/do if you start keeping your finances private?

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 17/08/2013 09:49

I never knew/asked what DH earned and he never knew/asked what I did. We both paid a set amount, discussed each year, into a joint account for household expenses plus an amount into savings. The rest was ours to enjoy/save/spend. We were very happy for 26 years until he died. Just try to establish a situation that suits you both.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2013 09:49

Has he hurt you emotionally in the past as well?.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 09:54

Ha I'm getting more upset as this thread continues. He's always been a bit funny. Looks down on me a bit. We talked about this last weekend and he did apologise in the end. He said he'll tell me what more money it means each month but not the total. I did know what he earnt - obviously when we went to the bank we had to show payslips etc. this has spiralled into a big argument now we're both sulking :(

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/08/2013 09:55

How on earth can you effectively run a household jointly without knowing all your assets and income? How can you ever plan for the future without knowing how much money you have coming in? Not to mention how you can contemplate marriage and children with someone you don't trust well enough to disclose your salary to.

I may be wrong, of course, but it smacks awfully of a "what's yours is ours, what's mine's my own" attitude, and I wouldn't be surprised if it spills over into other areas than money.

TimeofChange · 17/08/2013 09:59

Beach: This really doesn't bode well for the future.

Helltotheno · 17/08/2013 10:04

Red flag OP. Whatever got do, don't have kids with him.Establish what your rights are right now if you split.guy has issues around money, control etc.

Oh and. .. He looks down on you into the bargain? Not adding up to a great picture is it?

Silverfoxballs · 17/08/2013 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helltotheno · 17/08/2013 10:05

Whatever you do. ..

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2013 10:08

It certainly does not bode well for the future.

Why are you together?. You both sound completely unsuited to each other, why be at all with someone who looks down on you?. Do you not think you deserve better?.

He has the balance of power here with the predictable result that your overall self esteem and worth is taking a right old battering at his hands.

My guess as well is that he has given you more than one reason over the past 3 years to not trust him implicitly with this just being the latest in a long line of crappiness on his part.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 17/08/2013 10:21

I was just about to say YABU if you haven't long been going out, but since you have been together 3 years and share finances and a mortgage then I say you are totally reasonable to expect him to share this information with you.

If he can hide this from you, what else can he hide?

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2013 10:28

Two things OP. The mortgage is presumably a fixed cost where the bills and food are not fixed and are not going to go down, let's face it The second point is, I wonder whether he thinks by paying the mortgage the house is ultimately his. If you were to split up is he going to suddenly say that I paid the mortgage all this time? You have nothing to show for what you're paying.

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