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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU boyfriend won't tell me his payrise

50 replies

wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 09:10

Morning all.

Other half got promoted. Obviously I am really pleased for him, he's work hard and deserves it. Last night I asked him what he'd be earning now and he said 'I'm not telling you - it's private' - I was a bit ?!?!! (Background, been together 3 years, no dc's and just moved into a house of our own 2 weeks ago). It's just hurt my feelings. I work as well - we have our own money. He covers mortgage, I sort bills food etc - so I'm not dependent on him. I just thought that we were a team and ok, granted what you earn is private, but surely not the the woman you share your bed with every night. We have discussed marriage, children etc, but, one day. I told him last night he'd hurt my feelings - but I don't think he gets it. Just want to know what people thought?

OP posts:

Original poster

wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 10:29

I know how these posts look - but we are a good match. We click - we have chemistry. I think a lot of it is also do to with the way we were brought up. I come from an open household - we were open with each other, our emotions, everything - his parents are about 15yrs older than mine. Very stiff. He doesn't like his mum - I've never seen anything more than a handshake to his dad. His dad was the breadwinner. I just don't want that. I want us to open. Us against the world. Ok he has since said - it's about £100 more a month but I'm trying to explain its the fact his go to was 'its a secret' if that makes sense. Yes - I found sextexts on his pone last year from an ex. We have moved on from it though - He has learnt to be more open since then etc x

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 17/08/2013 10:29

I can't understand why he would need to be so secretive about it.

Vivacia · 17/08/2013 10:29

I'd double-check that mortgage and ensure that half of the mortgage was paid by my earnings. With a paper trail.

If this was my relationship, I'd want to open a joint account for all joint outgoings.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2013 10:29

I just remembered that a friend of mine was in the same situation. Her husband felt that if he negotiated a better mortgage deal, then he would pay a reduced amount, wheras my friend would continue to pay the high bills. Why don't you speak to your partner and see what he thinks about that?

Original poster

wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 10:30

Thanks for all your posts by the way. I really appreciate your thoughts :)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2013 10:31

Okay, given your last revelation, I think you are mad living with this man.

Mum2Fergus · 17/08/2013 10:36

He's clearly NOT learnt to be more open OP...

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 17/08/2013 10:37

When my sister got divorced, she had to give her husband half the house money as the mortgage was in both names. Even though she said she paid the mortgage and he didn't, it was in joint names, so they got half each.

You may have got over the sex texting but in your shoes I couldn't move on from the fact he did it in the first place. And now he's keeping more secrets from you even though he can see how upset you are. TBH I wouldn't believe him when he says it's £100 a month.

difficultpickle · 17/08/2013 10:41

£100/month equals £1200pa net which would be max £1680 gross. Unless he is on a very low wage that isn't much of a pay rise for a promotion.

Original poster

wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 10:43

Ok. I'll talk to him this afternoon. I think I just hadn't put the full picture together. i was treating every little thing as separate and not putting the whole picture together. Thank you.

OP posts:

Crumbledwalnuts · 17/08/2013 10:43

I would be worried about him paying the mortgage and you paying all the other bills. He wins all round there. For him it's an investment, for you it's just spending.

Crumbledwalnuts · 17/08/2013 10:44

as Imperial Blether said, in other words.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/08/2013 10:48

Get out of this relationship. This man considers women less than human. You are his 'little wifey', you're supposed to defer to him, obey him and respect him as your lord and master. That won't do you any good at all in the long run and you will not be able to make him change.

Original poster

wishIwasonaBeach · 17/08/2013 10:50

Yeah. That all makes sense. I hadn't really thought of it like that. As in - I'm paying the spending each money - but he's going to have an investment x

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 17/08/2013 10:50

The moral of this story is: NEVER buy a house with someone who is not on the EXACTSame page as you with regards to money.

I think you are chasing unicorns with this man.

difficultpickle · 17/08/2013 10:54

You can contribute equally to all household expenses rather than just the spending element. The share would be in proportion to your earnings. You could each pay an agreed percentage into a separate account and use that to pay the mortgage etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2013 10:58

Are you really a good match OP or would you like to think that you are?.

You both are fundamentally different and come from very different familial backgrounds.

Many red flags here OP not least of all the nature of the non relationship he has with his parents. He sounds as cold as they are; he after all learnt about relationships first and foremost from them.

His sex texts to his ex!. How old is he exactly, what a chancer?. Have you really got past that with him?.

Your "us against the world" comment. That shows me that you want this to work out regardless of any cost to you. You're falling as well into the fallacy of "sunk costs" in a relationship.

Its hard enough to change one of your own behaviours, getting someone else to change theirs is an impossibility frankly.

You're spending cash, he has an investment.

Do not waste any more time and money on such a character.

SybilRamkin · 17/08/2013 11:00

It doesn't matter who pays what if you're tenants in common or joint tenants on the mortgage (which is the most likely thing). If he covers the mortgage but you pay bills etc then you're still contributing the the mortgage. And even if you didn't pay a penny and he paid for everything, you'd still be entitled to half the house if you split as long as you're tenants in common/joint tenants.

If, however, when you took out the mortgage you each agreed to be responsible for a set percentage of the house, then you're only entitled to that percentage. But you'd still get it - there's no way he can claim that since he's paid the mortgage he legally solely owns the house, because he doesn't.

difficultpickle · 17/08/2013 11:06

The reason I asked JT/TC question is it will give an indication of the relationship. If you buy with a friend you would of course choose TC but if you are buying with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you'd chose JT knowing that if anything happened to you your share of the house would pass automatically to your partner.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2013 11:07

When dh & I first moved in together we put all our earnings into a joint account to pay all the bills and split whatever was left over. We both worked, we earned about the same.

After a while we had children and I took some time out. His was the only income and still it went into the joint account, paid the bills and split what was left.

Everything is in joint names. It's a 50/50 split. Our marriage is an equal partnership. We earn money, we raise children, we sort out housework and decision making together. We are a team, we are doing it together.

We both feel valued and respected. We talk all the time, plan our lives together and listen to each other. These are the basics for a solid foundation in a relationship. I don't see how you can build one without it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2013 11:08

Beach

If I were you I would seek independent legal advice as to your status with regards to the mortgage contract you took out with the lender. You need to find out sharpish what your rights actually are in the event of separation.

Most unmarried couples are unaware they are stepping into a legal minefield if they buy property together without protecting themselves.

WeAreSeven · 17/08/2013 11:09

He looks down on you? Why on earth would you want to be with someone who looks down on you?

BeCool · 17/08/2013 11:12

OP you need to start paying half the mortgage.

bleedingheart · 17/08/2013 11:20

He looks down on you
He won't share information with you
He sent sex texts to an ex, more than a year after your relationship began

How are you a 'good match'?
Do you think so little of yourself that you agree with his treatment of you?

I really hope you see you are worth so much more than this. And get your share of the house sorted.

ConfusedPixie · 17/08/2013 11:26

I'd be concerned by the OP alone, let alone the other issues. I couldn't tell you how much DP earns, could possibly round it into the 100's with a guess, but if I asked he'd tell me, just like I would tell him. We live together (in a house share) but share finances.

Surely with a house together you'd have joint finances?

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