How has anyone else finally made the decision to stay in a marriage or to leave?

[Tottie24]

I am so unhappy. I feel like I have failed my mother and children because I don't think I can stay in this marriage. My husband gives me no support on any level. We don't have fun together, the last time we had the opportunity to go for a drink he reaction was rude and hurtful, it was also in front of my mum who had offered to babysit so I was embarrassed too. I feel completely drained because I am so consumed by trying to work out how I feel. My husband isn't mean, but just doesn't give support or take any responsibility and because of this I now don't find him mentally attractive at all. I am at the point where I am finding I cant be bothered to discuss any future plans with him as his response is always the same - he agrees but gives no consideration to the subject thus no opinion of his own. I ask and have asked for a long time but I know I cant change him.

DC's are 5, 4 and 2 at the moment, as I do manage most things myself Im not too phased at living alone with them but I just dont know how to come to the best conclusion for everyone .... to stay or to go? co incidentally I have told DH that I am thinking of leaving, a few weeks later I asked him if he had given it any thought and he said that 'he thinks he should move out because that is what I want' arrhhhh am I daft to want him to think for himself and tell me what he thinks?

I am seeing a Councillor - she said ask my heart - the answer is there - I still cant work it out.

We are in separate bedrooms and every night when I get to be on my own, I cry and cry.

How has anyone else finally made the decision to stay in a marriage or to leave? For me it has become all consuming and I find myself struggling to concentrate on other day to day tasks like playing with my beautiful children or working. I just want to make a decision and move forward.

I spent two years making lists. Endless lists. Pros of staying. Cons of Staying. Pros of leaving. Cons of Leaving!

People fear change don't they? Even change for the better I think. So your fears are natural.

I know I became anaesthetised over time. I was on auto-pilot which helped me get through the misery and drudgery of each day and that paralysis made his cruelties and insults and insensitivity hurt less, but the same anaesthetic was part of what prevented me from taking a huge GASP and swimming underwater to get to land. If you see what I mean.

Imagine if somebody could press fast forward on your life, imagine that the break up is behind you, the worst of the bureaucracy of splitting up is behind you, everybody has been told, you've emerged unscathed, you have a new routine, a new normal! That could be you this time next year. It is hard though. I could never have guessed how hard it was to leave such a miserable relationship.

I think it#s easier if you have the money to leave. I am still in my marriage for several reasons but the biggest of those is money. We are breaking each other into pieces and should be apart. DH doesn't wan to leave- I keep plastering over cracks out of fear that I'm ruining something. In all honestly it's already ruined. You'll stop caring as much at some point. That will make you decision easier.

I dead lined it. If it wasn't better by Christmas, I was not staying in the marriage. I tried, he didn't. No kids though, which makes it infinitely easier.

Your story sounds like mine, my h used to ask me all the time and say 'what you want' then of course anything would then become my fault, he used to take little interest in our life(3dcs)took no responsibility for anything whatsoever, I was on my own with dcs most of the time-it was me doing the school runs,homework,bedtime,bath time,parties - even when he was home. Like you I also got no support emotionally which was hard. I was unhappy for a number of years and became numb to it all, I stopped caring and he made no effort to change or talk or make things better. I had a goal in mind and gave him all the chances in the world until that time arrived and when that time came my whole mind shifted, I filed for divorce, it was like a lightbulb moment. i have a long, difficult road ahead of me now but i would rather take that path than go back. One day you will know and only you can make that decision, but it will be the right one for you, good luck:)

He sounds as though he doesn't love and cherish you. If you want these things in your life then honestly decide if he can give them. If not, wave him off. I know it's not simple but lack of love is what your post shouts out.

Good luck with your decision

Tottie24 I was in a very similar situation to you. Married 14 years, two dc 10 and 8. My husband continually opted out of doing anything with the kids (we both work full time, his commute is much longer than mine, but nonetheless he is home by 5:30) I would come home, deal with homework, home and school admin including my youngest's SEN, wash up, put kids to bed, chat to them, read to them, come downstairs by about 21:30h during which time (d)H remained prostrate on the sofa. If I asked for help he would behave like a stroppy teenager. I work 50% weekends in my job, looking after the kids on his own was a huge burden and personal affront. If (d)h had to pick anything up off the floor he would treat any further mess in that area as a personal transgression rather than part-and-parcel of having kids. He was angry and short tempered at home and would make the occasional cutting and demeaning remark. I was constantly on eggshells. Outside of the home he was a cheerful, hands-on Dad. He only showed me any physical affection when we were in the company of others (but in a kind of possessive way). He would discuss major plans for the house with other people, even though we had no such plans (or rather I was always putting a dampener on things because the plans weren't financially viable). He wanted to do things to the house but was never prepared to budget or plan for them, and only ever persuaded us to get deeper into debt. During our marriage he never cared to look at a single bank statement. He only ever moaned when we ran out of money before pay day every month, as though he was 'entitled' to be financially solvent without having to plan anything. He made stupid financial decisions such as taking out an extra mortgage to buy a car. I allowed that to happen because I lived in hope that 'finally' the next purchase would make him happy (which just shows how much of a struggle I was in just to feel emotionally ok). If I complained about his behaviour he implored me to correct him instead of acknowledge how his own behaviour affected me and the kids. Finally I had enough and six weeks ago had an emotional explosion in which I told him I wanted an adult for a husband, and I wanted out.

Our financial situation is now a bit precarious, as he left immediately and took a 6 month lease on a flat (which we can't afford). But this is just one step into my new life disentangled from the dysfunction and emotional burnout. From the moment he walked out the door I felt huge relief, lighter, happier.... I feel like I have 'come back' to myself. My husband has taken this as a big shock. Despite his good intentions I think he behaves like a child and sometimes a bully, he loves me, yes, but not in a way that involves the natural growth and development. More that he puts me on a pedestal. That in itself is an oppressive form of love. Now I am free.

OP only you can decide where to draw the line. But you are entitled to be cherished, listened to, and to grow as a person. You are entitled to be married to a responsible, involved adult, who works with you as a team. If you are not then you are entitled to leave. The only person you 'owe anything to' is yourself. If you are true to yourself your children will flourish and your mother will come to understand. Good luck.

Very good post. You articulate that so well. It really paints a picture of a very frustrating marriage. Financial issues will be easier to sort out, relatively. After the final shake down when it's divided out, whatever's left, then it will be easy for you as a responsible adult who can plan to manage. That is what I found, I had more when I had less, because I was in control of it, and I wasn't justifying or petitioning.

Tottie it sounds like you already know what you want.

Sometimes I hear stories like this and the person telling it is really conflicted - they're not entirely happy but they still love the other person, they still have hope for the future, etc. I don't hear any of that in your post. You're not unhappy but...you're unhappy. Period. I'm guessing the only thing really stopping you from making the decision is fear of the unknown...

Oh, and in answer to your question, the way I made the decision was that when I finally let myself think about NOT staying, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. It was just one of those moments.

When I was crying every day. Every attempt to discuss the marriage ended in a vicious verbal battering (for me) and I KNEW in my heart that my children would not grow up to be healthy functioning adults if they carried on witnessing ex's behaviour and attitudes towards me and life in general. It took six months to get him out once the decision had been made irrevocably.

yes yogagirl, I was like the op, there was no conflict, I was 100% miserable and yet still powerless to leave. I think I left only when my fear of staying with him grew bigger than my fear of leaving, leaving to go to a financial struggle, a stigma (as I saw it then). People called me brave and I knew if I'd been brave I would have left when I was pregnant. But anyway, it's all good now!

There are some good books out there, try 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'.

It could be time to go, or maybe it's time to shift your perception, understand what has brought you to this point, make a reasoned decision.

Get him involved in the discussion, maybe Relate or similar.

My turning point was when I realised I no longer liked my exH; I loved him but I did not like this stranger that looked like my exH but was no longer the kind loving person I used to have fun with.

Gosh thank you all so much for your responses. I think that it wont be long then that I will reach the point. By not giving me any support, I know it will be hard but I also know I can do it all on my own with the DC's as I have effectively already been doing so. I know that once the break up is ending I will be hugely relieved. If I look into the future with him there I cant see that it will be any different from now, so I know I still wont be happy. If I look into the future without him I feel a sense of relief.

I spoke to a dear friend today who said that she was certain she would have had a happier childhood if her parent had divorced 10 years earlier.

I guess I now need to get a plan in place.... did anyone have a trial separation first, or definite split while waiting for the divorce?

We have done a definite split, just working out practicalities and splitting finances.

It's hard. My marriage was in breakdown for a while. He's a good man and we have three kids. Dd was involved in a awful accident for which dh was at fault. She survived but with lifelong problems. I tried for another year to make it work, he didnt.

The tipping point for me was the realisation that I wanted him to meet someone else to take the blame/guilt away from.

On my fortieth dh could see I was avoiding him and he brought it to a head, this was nearly a year ago. It has been fairly amicable. We lived under the same roof for four months and he moved out 6 months ago. It's not been easy but I am happier than I was a year ago. I strongly believe that whilst its not been easy on the children, dh and I will be ultimately happier apart, and that happy parents are essential for happy children.

I think what made it harder is that dh and I get on well, we're good companions mainly and enjoy the same things. It was more what was missing from the marriage: passion, love and respect. I want that and took a risk to hope that I find it.

You can never 'finally' make the decision to stay until you realise you are no linger thinking about leaving.

I read 'feel the fear and do it anyway', and that really helped.

It is difficult to make the final decision and the months/years after separation and divorce are awful, I am sure most people who have been through it will tell you. In fact this period is so hard (I am going through it now) that I wish I had left the relationship earlier so i would now be through it.

If you stay in this unhappy relationship you are simply delaying the inevitable. However you have to feel you have the strength to make the decision and carry it through. Make sure you have lots of support around you. Are you crying a lot because of your sadness over the relationship or because you are down and depressed? Is it the right time for you or should you plan for it or like someone else said, give yourself a deadline?

Just to be honest I didn't find the period after leaving to be terrible. I found it to be wonderful. Apart from telling the DC it was bliss. The hard part was making the decision (lost count of the number of threads like this I lurked on ) but once I had it has been pretty much plain sailing.

Yes, it is now the couple of years in the run up to leaving that I remember as the hardest and most miserable.

Make the decision. Take a deep breath.

For me, XH had an affair and in the weeks after I found out he made it clear that I still couldn't trust him and that he was not committed to trying to make it work. So despite the fear, that made it easier to make a definite decision...and once the decision was made I could no longer live with him. I asked him to move out within a month and although the months that followed were incredibly hard (and still is at times 18 months down the line, I never looked back or questioned my decision.

Well... its over, I feel sad but relieved. Sad for my children that they wont have the idealistic upbringing of a happy home with 2 parents, sad for my mum because she will worry for me, but for me mainly just relief, and hope that I will be happier soon

Well done for making the decision.
I am so sorry that it hasn't worked out.
Your friend is right though, if you are unhappy your children will pick up on it.
Here's to a happier future for you.

Good luck, Tottie xx

Thanks for the support, lets get DC's birthday party over with this afternoon, DC's to bed then I can have a good cry!