Emotional Affairs

[DisparateHousewife]

A friend of mine's dh has been having an emotional affair with a colleague. Not physical, but more than friends. What can you tell me about emotional affairs? Is the marriage salvageable?

Hi. I expect you'll get a lot of replies soon. I am working through this atm because my DP has had an emotional affair with the mother of one of his music pupils. There is a book called 'Not Just Friends' by Dr Shirley Glass which will explain everything. It has really helped me through this awful time. Basically, it's like an affair (with all the secrecy, lying, changing passwords, spending time away from home) but without the sex. There will have been intimate conversations, sharing of personal details etc that the 'betrayed' partner knows nothing about. I think it is possible to get over it, but it's not easy, and both partners have to want to. Is that the kind of thing you wanted to know?

It will depend on what the people in the marriage want. Does your friend know about this affair?

What classes as an emotional affair in your eyes OP?

It's just as inthedusk describes. His wife knows (she was suspicious and found emails on their computer).
I don't know if I could get over it, she's going to try, they have 3 dc and have been married almost 30 years.

The thing about emotional affairs that hurts and confuses is that unlike physical affairs where you pretty much know it was about sex in one way or another - with emotional affairs the betrayed party never gets a definitive answer.
By that i mean she will ask - what does OW have that I don't have - what makes OW bring out the best in my partner, makes him more flirty, more confident, more able to express himself etc

It's a killer. Yes.. they can recover but it's hard because unlike sex where you can work out what kinks you were looking for or simply add more sex (sad but true), with emotional affairs the cheater was chasing a 'spark' and we all know how strong that pull is.
it eats the light from the person you cheated on and they will never shine as bright.

Good luck to her

ofmiceandmen's post is pretty much the best (as in, most accurate) summary I've ever read of the aftermath of an EA. I speak, sadly, from personal experience.

Thank you for your posts. Justkidding I'm sorry you've been through this. May I ask, did you and dh get through it?
ofmiceandmen - I think his wife is at the stage of fury at the moment, as her dh has been distant and uncommunicative for a while and this is obviously why.
God, why are people so complicated?

Well disparate, I'm the guilty party rather than the innocent one. It's something we are going through right now and I can't say what will happen.

The light fading comment is accurate, I think in many ways. How the guilty partner and innocent partner see each other, and also how each view themselves. For all that my situation is my fault (I won't claim I was 'forced' into it by lack of affection at home or blah blah blah), there is still an intense sadness for me too that we are here. Whatever happens, life won't be as nice for us both as it was before.

Some people can maybe live with that and carry on together, others can't. But either way it's a shitty situation.

I found out in February that my partner was/is having an EA. He won't discuss it - and when he gets to it its all my fault.
It has destroyed whatever trust I had in him. His mobiles (3) are all passworded as is his laptop - when I ask if all this is still going on he replies that this is his 'private life' - got very angry when I found the original messages on his mobile (left unattended before it was locked up - takes it everywhere toilet etc) as I had no right to do that.
Just been on holiday for the first time without him - went to the solicitors on Wednesday to try to sort this out - not married - no right against his pension or monies. Financially I am in the shit - but can't see any future with him. EA are destructive in fact I would rather he had had a sexual affair because it would be more straightforward to deal with. Apparently what he and the OW have is 'pure love'.

I found out in February that my partner was/is having an EA. He won't discuss it - and when he gets to it its all my fault.
It has destroyed whatever trust I had in him. His mobiles (3) are all passworded as is his laptop - when I ask if all this is still going on he replies that this is his 'private life' - got very angry when I found the original messages on his mobile (left unattended before it was locked up - takes it everywhere toilet etc) as I had no right to do that.
Just been on holiday for the first time without him - went to the solicitors on Wednesday to try to sort this out - not married - no right against his pension or monies. Financially I am in the shit - but can't see any future with him. EA are destructive in fact I would rather he had had a sexual affair because it would be more straightforward to deal with. Apparently what he and the OW have is 'pure love'.

Yes, I think the fact that it's non-sexual is worse in some ways. They can justify it to themselves that it's not really cheating. I hope you can work things out yorkshirewoman and forge a new life for yourself with someone who loves you.
Justkidding no judgement, I just would like to understand better. (ignore me if I'm being too nosey). Why an emotional affair? Why doesn't it include sex? Lack of opportunity, a feeling that it's a step too far, the thrill of the chase?

yorkshire it will be difficult to go it alone but the way you are living is no life is it. You will be so much happier in the long run. Starting again is scary but it's also exciting, a future full of possibilities.

Only one thing is for certain - if a person stays in an unhappy relationship, for whatever reason, they will never have the opportunity to see what lies around the corner.

Plenty of people have gone on to live happy, fulfilling lives, have remarried and now feel loved, protected, respected and, best of all, they are having fun with their partner and children.

But settling for an unequal, unhappy relationship just takes away all those possibilities.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

disparate in my case, a step too far. Or put another way, a barrier too high.

I think EAs can come about as a result of a series of smaller barriers being crossed. Some you don't even notice, some you do but kid yourself they're not the 'one' barrier that makes this an EA. Chatting to someone, finding they are fun to be around, grabbing lunch together, a text about a funny thing on TV etc etc. Before long you're well in to an EA but you can't look back and put your finger on that one thing or action that took you over the line.

Sex was an obvious statement of intent, iyswim that I couldn't cross. We had the opportunity twice, I pulled back both times. Tbh it was partly because if we did it felt like I was making a decision to leave my marriage, and partly because I thought it would hurt the OP even more emotionally.

Did you think you should stop, or try to stop?
Did you do it because you didn't feel appreciated or loved at home?

Sorry for the questions, I can see how easily it could happen.

He's only been found out due to his wife's suspicions. He didn't confess, but has apologised and said he'll cut contact with this woman.

"Ea" is a nonsense made up by those who have lost an intimate connection with their partners and are looking to judgementally label their partners as the one in the wrong by equating a close friendship with infidelity, which its clearly not. If you or your partner looks elsewhere for love and kindness, and you really want to save your relationship a honest, non judgemental look at what's gone wrong between you as a couple may save and rebuild the intimacy that's been lost. Accusing someone of an "affair" that does not exsist won't and is likely just to drive them further from you. Good luck!

I think subconsciously people do know when they've crossed the line. As soon as they say or do something that they wouldn't if their partner were there too. We are aware of it.

We do it when we have a moan or a rant to our friends. We say things that we wouldn't if the person we are talking to was there. But because everyone does it, it seems acceptable.

In an ea the same thing goes on except the cheating person knows that it's not acceptable and they just ignore that feeling. It might even be part of the excitement. The butterflies in the tummy feeling, because they are taking a risk and they know it.

professorgrommit I do understand your point. But shouldn't he have gone to his wife and told her he felt that way? He's been telling the other woman his innermost feelings, they have pet names for each other, they've met without telling their spouses, he's put a pin on his mobile and hides it when his wife walks in. That's more than friendship.

Well this speaks to my comment that this is abour loss of intimacy with your partner, obvously the person you hope to share these kind of things with. And when they are absent people have a human need to find them elsewhere. Op about raisies this too - we all probably say things to a close friend we would die if our oh heard. But because that does not feel thrteatening to the main relationship or excluding to oh its ok. But equating "ea" with a sexual infidelity is nonsense and I am shocked by the destructive behaviur that some ops think it then justifies eg snooping, accusations, rejection etc. No wonder the relationship, already in trouble, collapses.

The difference between friendship and ea is the lying.

If you contact them secretly, delete messages so that your partner can't see, lie about where you are going, etc. then it's cheating.

If not, it isn't.

No-one has said it is sexual infidelity. But intimate relationships are not just about sex and it's all the other stuff that make it an emotional affair.

Sex infidelity is quite definable. He touched that, she grabbed this, he put this in that. Emotional infidelity isn't.

What are called EAs in different cases could be anything from a perfectly reasonable friendship and an overly suspicious spouse, to everything but sex, talks of leaving each other's spouses for one another etc, and all shades of grey in between.

I don't think it's helpful to class all EAs as one thing or another. This also makes it hard to be clear on how it will affect the married relationship(s).

Out of nowhere, my XH announced that he wasnt happy, hadnt loved me for some time and left. I had no idea that he was contacting OW at this point and was totally shocked and devastated. We talked for hours and he came back, left again after 6 weeks.

unknown to me at the time, my XH was having an EA. He was sharing everything with his mates wife, telling her all his feelings, discussing our marriage , telling her all his/our problems that I wasnt even aware of. She in turn, said that he could provide her with the emotional support that her husband couldnt. He sent her "motivational" emails, while pretending to me that he was trying to make our marriage work. his phone was glued to his side and he set up secret email addresses.

XH deleted all texts/emails, he didnt tell me that he was in contact with her. He started finding excuses to spend time with her and talked about her incessantly and also started to run his friend down.

It ended our marriage as he was adament that he no longer loved me, so I divorced him. OW is still with her H and he hangs around with both of them and is still contacting OW obsessively afaik (his family have told me).

An Emotional Affair is very dangerous, because it is all built on fantasy. it is all faceless behind a screen, they can say what they want, that they probably wouldnt say face to face. XH was no flirt, but he flirted with OW on facebook and email. All of his day was taken up with contacting her and thinking about her and not about his wife and then 3yo DD.

It is a huge betrayal of trust and not something that everybody can get over

I had an EA that lasted about 9 months - thousands of texts, inappropriate content, and thinking of each other all the other time. It is the latter that I most deeply regret. At the time there were serious holes in my marriage, but I take full responsibility for my actions. No one forced me to seek comfort elsewhere. I told my husband that I had feelings for someone else straight away. We kissed once, again i confessed immediately, not out of hope that DH might feel jealous but out of realisation that he deserved to be with someone totally devoted. He said that yes it was hurtful but neither of us had prioritised our marriage, he just relied on the pub and his mates rather than another woman (his words - not mine). The EA ended by mutual agreement. We are in a bit of contact (we have shared interests) but there is certainly no going back. My DH and I are having counselling but are stronger than we have been for a while.

That gives me hope for them TeeManyMartoonis.

Your partners probably 9 times out of 10 say 'no we didn't sleep together it was just talking' so they can minimalize the deception. Everyone surely knows that they have shagged but you don't want to hear that or can't handle the truth. Why have an affair if you love the person your with, some would argue selfishness or greed but also that the relationship is not worth fighting for as they would have fought to save before having the affair.

str8tothepoint not sure of your stats exactly but true that some say that just to minimise and some because they haven't actually slept together.

In all cases it probably means there's something wrong with the 'legitimate' relationship, because someone has gone outside of it. Admittedly in a lot of cases the thing that's wrong is probably the guilty party's qualities, personality etc.