Emotional Affairs

[DisparateHousewife]

A friend of mine's dh has been having an emotional affair with a colleague. Not physical, but more than friends. What can you tell me about emotional affairs? Is the marriage salvageable?

ofmiceandmen I found your post very moving, especially this bit:
"it eats the light from the person you cheated on and they will never shine as bright. "
My husband had emotional affairs, still is, we've been separated for a couple of years now and I have decided to divorce him. I'm still so sad about it all, but I just can't live with it. Your post has made me determined that after being so sad for so long, I will shine as bright again.

DisparateHousewife I think it depends on your friend and her relationship with her DH, if he agrees to cut contact and answer all her questions and commits to their relationship, yes, I think it can be salvaged - I really hope so !

Name changed for this.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that the man I have been dating for a couple of months is married. I didn't know about it, I didn't initiate the relationship, he was the one who contacted me, insisted in meeting, shown with little gifts, etc.

We had a great time, did plenty of interesting things, enjoyed each other's company. He made me feel special, I know he has feelings for me, I do too. But he loves his wife more than he would love me. Otherwise I can't imagine why he took things so slowly (despite a lot of intimacy, there was no sex) and why, despite a supposedly frosty relationship he is still going back to her every night.

For me, the lack of hurry in having sex despite all the attraction, and the fact that he can't see himself leaving his marriage no matter what, speaks volumes about how much he loves his wife. So I have sent him back to her.

Obviously, if he loved her even more he wouldn't have gone out to find someone else, but that is another thing...

I'm one of those who found myself in an EA that ended my marriage. I spent so long listening to my husband point out all my flaws, and I believed him. I suffer with depression and I just tried to keep moving and ignore the things he said because I couldn't imagine having the strength to leave.

I started a new job and over the course of a year the emails I exchanged with a colleague started to have the odd quirky comment or joke in them. And then it was a funny photo here and there, nothing major. I never even saw the guy, just silly photos via email. But it was making me laugh while my husband was making me cry. As time went on, I started to become reliant on those cheery emails, and put effort into trying to find something funny to send back. And I discovered that my husband had been reading my emails from the beginning, and he gave me an ultimatum. By then, I had realized that not everybody thought I was shit--just him. So when I had to choose between a husband of many years who made me feel inferior and a random co-worker who made me laugh, I chose the co-worker, even though nothing physical had never happened between us.

Letsadmitit it's not that he loves his wife, more that he loves the existing set up and is not quite ready to throw it all away.

Would you take all that on if he left his wife. Would you be happy to rush straight in, after just a few weeks, and live with him. Would you trust him when he was with his ex, when he kept his phone glued to his side, when he 'popped out' for an hour or so?

Maybe you would, maybe not but it's a big risk for him to gamble his comfortable lifestyle. As long as you were there to stroke his ego he was lapping it up but when you wanted more he backed down. Affairs are always selfish acts.

Anyway, good on you for knocking this one on the head when you found out. You know that you deserve better than what he was offering.

despite a supposedly frosty relationship

Letsadmitit ^ is this what he told you? You hit the nail on the head by saying 'supposedly' - it's just another 'my wife doesn't understand me' line. Take it with a pinch of salt. You can hold your head high and you deserve much better.

I think you are right, it might be the setting rather than the relationship that gets him back home.

I was in a loveless marriage for years and I understand a lot of what he says, BUT unlike him, I had the courage to end my marriage and jump into a world of uncertainty BEFORE I started looking for another person.

I don't want to hurt his wife, his son, or even him but above all, I don't want to hurt myself. I was not born to be the other woman, hence why he has been swiftly sent back the way he came.

It does take courage to end a marriage to be on your own, I know, I did it too. It's extremely rare for a man to end a marriage without there being OW involved. Fairenuff is spot on with her post. It would be a gamble to end his comfortable lifestyle. His poor wife. Don't suppose he'll confess though!! And I'm sure you won't be the last one he cheats with either.

I too am in the midst of an emotional affair, I am not happy in my marriage and was leaning on relatively new male friend (who actively pursued the friendship). Nothing has happened but I fell in love with him and think it is mutual and then found out about 3 weeks ago that he is due to get married very soon, he had never even mentioned a girlfriend despite us talking for quite a few months!

I know I was wrong, he doesn't see anything wrong so I am taking steps to avoid him. I doubt his fiancée knows anything about me and feel desperately sad for her.

In answer to your question though, I think some marriages are salvageable but it will take a lot of time, no contact from OW/OM and maybe time apart from each other to try to appreciate again.

Letsadmitit - "I think you are right, it might be the setting rather than the relationship that gets him back home."

Or it was because he had been caught having his cake and eating it.

I'm just going through the fallout from DH's EA. We have just got to the bit where he tells me what he said to the OW to get her to feel sorry for him and give him the affection / intimacy that he told her was missing from our marriage.

"She's moved into the spare room" = "I snore so bad that she was a zombie during the day and was becoming ill from lack of sleep"

"There's no intimacy" = "She comes into my room, we make love and then she goes to sleep in her room"

"She is very frosty" = "I keep picking fights with her, so that I can justify trying to get into your knickers"

EAs hurt a billion times more than purely physical affairs. And people lie to get what they want. To all of you who feel you are in EAs, please re-examine EVERYTHING the married partner has told you about their relationship. Sometimes men have very happy marriages, but still want more, it isn't something their wife has or hasn't done, it's just selfishness / feeling of entitlement on the part of the unfaithful partner.

To those of you who are having an EA because YOU are unhappy, have you told your partner? Have you discussed it with them? Chances are, they are equally unhappy but have chosen NOT to look for a solution outside of the marriage.

what hurts me the most is that XH was telling her everything, while I was totally in the dark that he was unhappy, or had a problem. there was illness, work stress, a family death to cancer the week before Christmas. I was at the end of my tether. I didn't turn to him as I felt he was shutting off, which of course he was because he was turning to OW. He told her all sorts of hurtful things about me, which he never told me, things that simply were not true.

When he finally did talk to me, everything he said was a simple misunderstanding, or easily fixed, but it was too late. He said he no longer loved me, hadn't for some time, but couldnt pinpoint when it actually started. I could, it started after he met OW......

Once she was in his head, telling him how sweet and kind and wonderful he was, there was no room left for feelings for me. She was getting all the lovely thoughts and messages and feelings, while he came home to me and sat in the office all night not speaking, whilst on facebook or his mobile.

Communication is key in a relationship. It is not far to go outside of the marriage, telling others how you are unhappy, if you dont talk to the partner so that you can fix any problems. A friend came to me, very upset that her H had said that they needed to talk and he wasnt happy about various things. I told her that she was the lucky one and that if my H had done that, rather than turn to OW, then we might still be together.

I always say that I was hung for a crime that I didn't even know that I had committed.

To be honest, it is not my responsibility to check what a good marriage they have, the fact that he has strayed makes me think it wasn't that good. He may have got bored of his wife or his wife got bored of him, I don't care which way it was, that is none of my business, I'm not here to fix their marriage or destroy it.

My responsibility (to myself) is to make sure the man I'm dating is available. He was not, he was sent back as soon as I realised he was married. End off.

(Interestingly, I have just seen he has just re uploaded his photos in Match.com, so I suspect the wife is none the wiser and he has not learnt anything from being unceremoniously dumped by me).

Sorry Sky, crossposted. I'm sorry you have gone through this. I am not insensitive to your post but was a bit angry about the previous one. At the end of the day, I didn't do anything to attract a married man, he claimed to be single. He also lied to me.

letsadmit - no offence taken. If he claimed to be single, then you had no idea and if you have sent him packing then you have done the right thing.

he has just re uploaded his photos in Match.com

Ledsadmitit - that's shocking. Lets hope one of his wife's single friends sees them and they tell her. He is obviously brazen beyond belief!!

mice has it and I'd not thought about it in that way.

My ex's EA sucked the life out of me and our marriage. I didn't even know such things existed and I've been around the block a few times. I googled it when he kept denying any physical contact but said he loved her 'like a sister' - and I was "unreasonable" for feeling so on the outside of something so obviously intimate and exclusive.

The fading of my light was in direct proportion to the extent of my ex'x involvement with her. I was diminished as a DW, a mother, friend, daughter and worker. And I hated and blamed myself for it.

EA's are real and do real damage. The first one led to the second one who he left me for. It still hurts over 2 years on. It will always hurt. I wish when I'd googled emotional affairs that I'd found MN - I might still be divorced but I think I'd have fought back much harder than I did.

I've sent 2 texts and an email asking if she's ok and had no response.

Some people are reluctant to confront emotional affairs because it's very difficult to articulate exactly what the problem is sometimes.

It can be viewed as a matter of personal opinion, where one person is just expressing a different view. One person's 'normal' is another person's 'unusual'.

The partner who suspects the other of cheating needs to be extremely clear about their own boundaries and very firm in enforcing them. This forces the cheating partner to really wake up to what they are doing and make a choice.

The cheated on person has to be prepared to end the relationship if their partner ignores their wishes or breaks their agreed relationship rules.

It can take a long time to get to that point, months, even years, before the unhappiness becomes more than they can bear anymore. And during that time, self esteem will be eroded daily.

Turning a blind eye is easier because it's only hurts one person instead of breaking up a whole family.

I discovered my husband's emotional affair with a fellow Buddhist ( while they discussed the Dharma and went on retreats ). I realised they were too close,but did not know the extent of the relationship due to lies and deceptions. I was devastated, but at least he ended it as soon as I knew from reading his texts. The thrill of an emotional affair ( and the dopamine that hits the brain) that wipes away the mundane life with the spouse has been a revelation as we talk and try to build a new, honest relationship. Anyone who thinks a non- sexual affair is not serious, has no idea at all of the truth- in fact, I think t is possibly more serious than a short-lived sexual affair. The lack of sex is a cover to hide the guilt and the pain that will be caused to the spouse when they find out- and increasing intimacy, very often leads to sex in the long run anyway.

I stopped it before then, and my husband has abided my all my terms to regain trust, but the pain has been enormous. Anyone contemplating or slipping into such an affair, should really consider how they would feel if their spouse found out ( or try to put themselves in the situation where their spouse had such an affair ). It is the greatest pain I have ever felt.

Interestingly Mexicanhat, when I confronted him about being married, I asked him about having his photos up in match, and asked him if he was not concerned at some single friend of his wife seeing them and telling her about it. His answer? 'I wish somebody did, she won't put up with something like this'

Cowardly answer all the way, but I can't say I totally blame him, nobody wants to be the executor in the marriage, it takes a lot of guts. (Says she who spent 8 years waiting for her husband to finally take seriously her wishes to part)

I think I had an EA.

My DH was diagnosed with a debilitating illness, which was a massive shock to us both, leading us to reassess our future and what it would / could entail. The discussion of whether to have children took place, and almost banged the nail in the coffin.

I'd become friends with a guy a short while before at work, and turned to him for support whilst all this was going on. As well as that, I felt that I couldn't be me with DH at the time, and felt that he resented me for the decisions we mad has to make. My friend was a complete distraction from all that, and I felt I could be the fun me with him. I think we both tried to impress each other, there was probably a little bit of flirting. We met up for dinner or drinks a few times but nothing physical ever happened.

This went on for a few months before I realised I was investing my time an attention in the wrong relationship.

I'm still friends with the guy, although we speak far less (at the time we'd text each other approx 20 times a day, it's now a few times a week). We still meet up occasionally for dinner etc too. Me and DH eventually came to terms with his illness and all the other stuff surrounding it, and now our marriage is stronger than ever.