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Original poster

Card from mum

42 replies

MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 11:58

Some of you may remember my posts from a couple of months back. Basically my mum is a narc and dad her enabler. Wrote to mum over 3 months back saying i decided to go no contact. Got a letter back but nothing else from her. Dad also cut contact when he realised i would not change my mind. I sent dad a fathers day card and small gift but otherwise no contact.

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and have received a card written my mum saying they hope we have a nice day. They do this every year but just didnt expect one this time.

So just wondered what people think, as my head is spinning and my stomach flipped as soon as i saw mum's writing. It took me a while to get my head around choosing to go no contact and i know feel anxious and stressy again - not really sure why tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 12:01

It probably doesn't sound normal, but i feel like she has tainted our special day. Also, part of me feels like i should now send her a card for her upcoming birthday, as she sent one to us - i know i probably shouldn't but i feel like i'm the bad guy again

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 16/08/2013 12:16

I don't see her sending you a card as a positive thing, because you wrote to say you were breaking off contact. She knows contact is now unwanted, but is doing it anyway, overriding your wishes.

As for sending her a card, the question is, do you want to be in contact with her, or not? If you do, send her a card. If you don't, well the social niceties and reciprocity don't matter. So ignore her card and don't send any of your own to her or your father.

Easy for me to say, but I know it's hard to do. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Gruntfuttock · 16/08/2013 12:18

Ignore her completely.

Helltotheno · 16/08/2013 12:22

Yes, overriding your wishes. In future, if you recognise her writing and see it's a card, bin it before opening. Ditto letters, although I know people find that really hard.

Also stop with the cards and presents yourself. That'll make it clearer.
I think the important thing is to really own the decision you made. Don't second guess or wonder: you made a decision you were serious about; your life is probably much better now; don't allow any emotional blackmail, even when it's done passively.

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 12:22

If you don't want to be in contact with her, dispose of the card in a way you can't resurrect it and keep on ignoring her.

Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 12:26

Eldrich - i definately don't want contact with her at all, but it has just got me feeling a bit weird and unsettled. I don't really know what i mean - just feels unwelcome. I only sent the stuff for fathers day as one last reach out to dad, as my original NC didn't include him. After that, i felt that if he didn't acknowledge it, he had made his choice and his feelings were clear. I have been happier without them in my life (once i accepted my dad's stance). I suppose i am a people pleaser and i don't like feeling as tho i am being a bitch. I also am constantly aware of my brothers upcoming wedding next spring. Basically, i just worry too much!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2013 12:30

This is not a positive development. Your mother has once again overridden any boundary you care to set re no contact. She wrote back to you after you wrote to her stating no contact, this is now the second time she has done this.

You are truly under no obligation to reply with any card etc. Do not fall back into the FOG trap.

I would either shred the card or get your DH to destroy it for you. If you do recognise its from either of them destroy it before opening.

LemonPeculiarJones · 16/08/2013 12:33

Your decision to go NC is still very recent. These issues will arise at first - a card in the post sets off doubt, guilt, confusion.

This is the time to decide what to do when these things happen. Like putting post straight in the bin as Hell says.

What are your plans re your brothers wedding?

Helltotheno · 16/08/2013 12:36

Better still OP, if you recognise your mum's writing, pop it back in the letterbox unopened with a 'not known at this address' on it :)

The danger with being a people pleaser is you get sucked into doing the thing that suits others not yourself, ie if you tell your brother the situation, it's likely he'll just be trying to smooth over the waters rather than actually listening to you and empathising. You have to watch out for that. Again, just either make a decision not to go (and don't be swayed) or to go (and still ignore the people in question.. it's actually doable). Be strong!

Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 12:49

Attilla - thank you for your words of reason. I remember you offering lots of helpful advice when i was considering NC and during the first few weeks when I found it hard.

I know I should've just binned the card, but would have driven myself nuts wondering what it was, what it said etc.

Lemon and Hell - both my brother and sister have known everything from the beginning. My sister only has minimal contact and my brother is the only one who sees them regularly, but they both know what they're like. Not sure either of them fully approve of my decision but they understand my point of view, and this has not affected any of our relationships with each other.

I plan on going to my brother's wedding, but I know it is going to be awkward for everyone. In my head, i think that worst case scenario, if mum creates a scene, i can always walk away quietly. I would hate to ruin my brother's big day.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 12:52

I think that's the thing. Wedding's are pretty formal affairs so if times are bad when it rolls around, you could always go to the service (turning up as late as is practical) and then just melt away again if you think that your Mum might make a scene.

EldritchCleavage · 16/08/2013 13:05

I would say never post anything back to your mother-even that is a contact of sorts. Complete radio silence is the best thing. Maybe next time keep the card for a little while before opening it, and for longer each time, as a way of building up to binning them completely.

happystory · 16/08/2013 13:13

What I have found helpful in a similar-ish situation is to let DH read emails or letters first. It somehow takes some of the heat of it. Occasionally he says 'you don't want to read this, it's bs' and bins it. I trust his opinion.

Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 17:40

Well, come back from work now, and I feel much better. Think it was just a bit of a shock as wasn't expecting anything. Thanks for all your suggestions - i like the idea of leaving it a while before opening next time. And my husband is happy to intercept letters etc - we actually discussed this a while ago because i expected her to write/ phone when i first went NC.

Over the last month I have felt like I was really moving forward. Wasn't thinking about things as much, was generally less stressy and anxious and began to feel better about myself without all the criticism. Then this seemed like a bolt out of the blue. My 'safe', happy world didn't seem so safe and happy anymore - the card felt intrusive, as tho it was somehow invading my space. I know people on here grt it, but I guess other people would find this completely melodramatic! After all she only sent an anniversary card to her daughter!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 17:45

No 'only' about it when you have a fraught relationship. Sounds as if DH acting as an intercept might be a good idea in future.

plentyofsoap · 16/08/2013 18:07

I have had no contact with my mum for years now. She sends random cards which i ignore. I have moved now so doesn't have my address and it feels great as its horrible to get them. Ignore though x

mindyourownbusiness · 16/08/2013 18:19

I know what you mean l used to have a special tone on my mobile for my mum and dad. My dad was extremely hard work the year before he died you just could not please him and l got to a point where as soon as l heard the first bar of that ringtone the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up and I was filled with dread. We ended up on good terms before he died and l know this sounds unkind but l had just reached saturation point with him and l felt the same when l walked in their flat - as soon as he spoke. Because usually it was to make yet another demand for something or it was a problem he wanted me to sort out or it was a complaint about his food or something l had missed off his shopping (and there was ALWAYS something ).

I would say stick to your guns, ignore , ignore ,ignore.

Helltotheno · 16/08/2013 18:22

OP the others are right, ignore my suggestion about sending back unopened (although that did work for me in the case of a particular person but only because they took things literally and assumed the address was wrong, an assumption that was never corrected!).

Your sitch is different though, and completely ignoring is best, especially if your life is a lot better now.

Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 18:35

Plenty - we are planning on moving next summer and I know what you mean. I said a while ago that i am looking forward to my mum not having our address/ phone number cos i still feel tense when i hear the phone go etc.

Hell - no offence, but i had already decided to ignore your advice of returning unopened mail! Glad it worked for you though! Think my mum would just use it as 'proof' to show other people about how horrid I was.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 18:38

I know what you mean about the phone. Is there anything you can do about that in the interim? (Unplug it and use mobiles, get an answering machine which DH checks etc.)

Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 16/08/2013 19:56

Cozie - we have an answer phone and number recognition so i wouldn't have to pick up anyway if she did phone. Most people don't use the landline so when it does go, so I always check.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 20:03

Okey cokey - but then it's the knowing she just might that's the problem not whether she actually does. When you hear the ring and so on....

Hissy · 16/08/2013 20:47

How would your day have been if that card hadn't been sent?

Imagine if it hadn't arrived.

How would you be feeling.

What's changed between how you felt this morning and now?

A card. From a narc, from someone who loves to hurt you.

So bin the card. You didn't get it, and she had no right to send it.

Let her ignorance of your boundaries strengthen your resolve.

Original poster
MillyMollyMandy78 · 17/08/2013 11:34

Card already binned! It really helps me to get my thoughts out on here and read the common sense advice i get. Also had chat with DH last night which helped.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 17/08/2013 11:43

Well done.