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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DB and SIL total pi55 takers

47 replies

cactuscantina · 16/08/2013 11:44

I have just spent the last 2 weeks on holiday with my family - the group inc my parents DB and SIL plus their 3 DC and also my own.

My DP generously hired the villa and we contributed towards the food and drink.

DB and SIL made no offer to contribute towards the villa or any F & B.

I have never got on too brilliantly with DB and his family but was determind for the sake of all the children to make it a good holiday and resolved
not to get upset when DB and SIL basically did nothing which we had anticipated a bit, but did not imagine it would be as bad as it was!!

For example they did not offer to provide one meal or cook for anybody, I was left to do all the cooking for all the children and all the adults, they did not lift one finger to help tidy up or wash up and if pulled up on it would either reply 'well we are on holiday" or apologise, offer to do it but then dissapear into the bedroom only to return when it had all been done.

SIL also kept a load of food in her room for her children but quite happily helped herself to anything in the kitchen.

Anyway predictably enough it all got a bit nasty as basically DP and me ended up feeling very resentful that we did everything and they quite literally did absolutely nothing.

They are now saying they want to come to ours for christmas - I quite honestly don't want to see them again and certainly don't want to put them up but parents are upset that I might cause a rift amoungst us all.

I really feel I have tried to get on with them and make an effort but I just don't have the same feelings of entitlement that they do and am fed up of 15 years of running around after them to keep the peace for everyones elses sake - I don't like them I don't enjoy their company and I am not their slave.

How can I bow out of this relationship with them without upsetting the whole family dynamics?

OP posts:

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/08/2013 11:47

You need to agree things like sharing cost of done and drink in advance for these situations. But for the moment, just say no to Christmas. Tell them you want to spend it on your own just with your own kids. Then work out your long term strategy for dealing with them.

HeySoulSister · 16/08/2013 11:47

Did your parents not say anything? Surely they saw what was going on

YouStayClassySanDiego · 16/08/2013 11:48

Just say you weren't planning on inviting anyone for Christmas at yours.

Why would your parents get upset about who you choose to invite on Christmas Day?

Why is this even being discussed in August?

Stop trying to keep the peace and do what's right for your family, don't be the doormat who everyone wipes their feet on..

fuzzywuzzy · 16/08/2013 11:52

Just say no. Suggest you all go to theirs!

Doha · 16/08/2013 11:55

Your parents are upset that YOU want to cause a rift between you and you DB family.
I would be pointing out that it is not your behaviour causing the rift. I like the suggestion of saying that you would be happy to go to theri house for Christmas dinner

expatinscotland · 16/08/2013 12:00

You realise people can only take the piss if you let them?

I hope you have learned that.

Christmas at yours? 'No. We want to have it on our own.' And the end. Over and over.

None of this make it clear to them they need to do x,y or z. Why? Because they won't do it.

No. If your parents are upset, tell them they are free to host them, but you won't.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2013 12:03

And as for your parents, the fact they sat on their arses and let you do the work shows me they see you as a doormat for your brother's feet. You don't need people like this in your life.

EldritchCleavage · 16/08/2013 12:03

Well, your parents sound drippy. They must know the score, they were there to see it all. Have they said anything to your DB about his behaviour? Did they back you up at the time?

And now you have put a marker down, they want you to snatch it back up again and put yourself in for more poor treatment so as not to 'cause a rift'.

Rift away. Not seeing DB and his family is actually better than being taken advantage of and seething in silence. I reckon just say you aren't hosting a big family Christmas and leave it at that.

kinkyfuckery · 16/08/2013 12:06

Just tell them no.

If you do ever decide to go on holiday again (whether with them or another group) always set down rules in advance RE cooking/buying food/cleaning up etc.

And tell your parents next time you expect them to get off their arses and help out too!

Greatdomestic · 16/08/2013 12:06

Please don't get suckered into hosting. How nasty did it get on holiday? It is really disappointing that your parents allowed this behaviour to happen too. So, just say no, you want to have the day with your DH and kids only. Good luck.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 16/08/2013 12:21

Definitely say no to them.

It's really tricky sharing with people. I find it incredibly hard to understand how any grown person (yes that means you BIL) can think it fair not to do any of the grunt work on holiday. Particularly when, if everyone mucks in, it isn't that much work for any one person.

However I also can't believe that you just put up with it and that your parents let you. I would have started just cooking for my own family or going out and leaving them to it. I also would not have let SIL eat the communal food if she wasn't sharing her own.

Do not let them come at Christmas. Just say that you are exhausted after your "holiday" and you need Christmas to be a relaxing break for you, and vow never to go on holiday with them again. Remember a free holiday is not free if it causes so much seething resentment.

Rockinhippy · 16/08/2013 12:42

As others have said, you need to put your foot down & break this pattern of behaviour, your parents are guilty too, if not able to muck in for some reason, they are at least guilty of enabling your DB & DSILs behaviour, so they need calling to task in this too, especially as they are now laying a guilt trip on you with a trowel

Let them know you are grateful for the holiday, but as it turned out you are now exhausted from waiting on everyone & feel like you need a holiday to recover, as a result you are not willing to accommodate any repeat behaviour at Xmas, so cannot agree to inviting DB etc to YOUR home.

You could agree with your parents to a compromise , but not one that puts you at any risk from these pee takers - perhaps suggest Xmas dinner in a pub or restaurant this year, say that you will get details of what's available & pass it on to yor parents DO NOT agree to booking it, for fear of not getting all the money in - just say you would, but can't afford it, recession, kids & Xmas etc - after all they are the ones wanting DB etc to land on you - your parents can put them up if needed, if not possible, again offer to get hotel details & pass it on - you've done more than your bit by doing that much & if anyone tries to suggest otherwise simply looked shocked & say "really, I'm surprised you think that, would you think that if DB had gone to so much effort "

Good luck

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 12:50

I'm not surprised they want to come to yours for Xmas - they must have had a whale of a time on holiday being waited on hand and foot and (mostly) freeloading.

Just say No. It's really easy once you do it.

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/08/2013 13:00

No need to argue just put your foot down now and stop them freeloading off you.

When they mention holidays or Christmas just say oh we aren't up to entertaining its been a hectic year and we need to relax so are just seeing to ourselves.
If they try to get you to foot the bill for things just look a bit embarrassed and say oh well things are a bit tight so we've only got enough for x and repeat no matter how much they whine or bleat.

Imagine them as whiny toddlers used to getting their own way.

Unfortunately that may mean no more holidays with your parents either as it seems they may not be able to be trusted to not go down the but we can't leave them out route. However you can do other things with your parents like days out. If they live far away stay in a hotel nearby and arrange days you can be on your own and days you go out with them, that way if DB and family tag along you've still got an escape as you aren't trapped with them for more than a day at a time.

If you parents claim you are causing a rift just say I'm sorry you feel like that but we are really stressed out and worn out and need to stop as we just can't keep it up anymore, its making us ill.

Xenadog · 16/08/2013 13:08

You have allowed them to take the piss so they don't think it's a problem for you. Very simply, as everyone else has said, just say you are not doing a communal Christmas this year. Offer no apology or explanation as you do not need to and anything other than just a straightforward decline will appear as though they can put pressure on you to change your mind.

I would be tempted to speak to your parents too and explain to them how you feel about how you were treated. They need to understand that you have a real reason not to share your holiday time with the freeloaders and support you. They certainly need to know that you are not causing a rift but actually just standing your own ground.

Forester · 16/08/2013 13:13

This is why all inclusives are so popular! We did a self catering family holiday earlier in the year and while we all contributed financially DSIL certainly didn't help with cooking, washing up etc which annoyed me. It's not a regular type holiday so could live with it but if there is a next time around I would definitely be pushing to do AI.

I agree with all the posts re Christmas and telling them no. Also if they don't mean Christmas day itself you could always suggest meeting them for a day out some where over the Christmas period.

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 13:20

Myself, I wouldn't volunteer any suggestions about meeting up. If you don't like them and don't enjoy their company, why bother?

DontmindifIdo · 16/08/2013 13:26

"no, that does'nt work for us, I don't want to host a big event this Christmas, so it'll just be us unless we go to someone else." - delivered with a big smile.

For future holidays, only agree to go to hotel ones, not villa holidays. You can say "oh, I don't really enjoy villa holidays, it's as much work as at home but without my own stuff. I'd be happy to go to a hotel at the same time though - get someone else to do the cooking and the washing up." again, with a smile. If they want to do a villa holiday "ok, have fun, we wont join in." if it's holiday with others, insist you will only go to a hotel.

Katisha · 16/08/2013 13:43

There is always someone in a family who mustnt be upset and who everyone ends up pussyfotting around. Sounds like its both DB and SIL in your case. And your parents subscribe to this.

I'd love to know how I could get to be that person.

However, you don't have to skivvy for them to keep the peace. Just break the habits. Use some of the responses suggested in the thread, but whatever you do, DON'T AGREE TO DO CHRISTMAS. ANd don't agree to have it at your parents either ecause the same synamic will prevail.

Don't book elsewhere or anything that puts you to unwanted expense in order to avoid them. Just calmly say you want a quiet chritsmas at home this year without a lot of extra work.

Original poster

cactuscantina · 16/08/2013 14:12

Thanks so much everyone there are alot of brilliant responses and I am going to print this thread out and highlight some of the things to say.

It is exactly that - my parents don't want to upset them as they are both very uppity and think they are scared DB and SIL will flounce off never to be seen again but as a result everyone pussyfoots around them instead not caring who is upset in the meantime.

One night every single one of us adults went to bed either upset or furious with something SIL had said or done yet I am positive that she had no idea of all the upset she causes by either her actions or her nasty tongue. It is unbelievable really but sometimes you think it's you IYSWIM and you just go to crazy extreme length to keep everyone happy even though you are not!

Really glad to see it is not just me who thinks the situation is crazy and like you have all said I am allowing it really so time to get tough :0)

OP posts:

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/08/2013 14:44

If they continue to push don't elaborate any further in fact let your answers get shorter.

I'm sorry that won't work for us we are doing x

We can't do that we are doing x

No that's not going to happen

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 15:44

There may be some flouncing if they're given their character but I seriously doubt whether it would be of the 'never to be seen again' variety. Your DB and SIL sound so thick skinned and grabbing that I doubt they would want to permanently upset a nice situation - for them - and would just be dramatic in the hope that everyone would crawl back as before.

I would, myself, just cut them out of my life but I appreciate that your parents will likely be getting older and will be concerned not to have what they would see as serious upset in the family. And you would not want to cause them grief.

What are your DB and SIL like if they're each on their own and not acting in concert?

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 15:45

PS - and what are their kids like as individuals?

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 15:59

They seem awful but I just can't believe you all let them get away with it! Was your husband there? If so, there were 6 adults and you were there for 7 nights (I assume.)

How many evening meals did you cook?

Did they do any washing up at all?

Who bought the food?

Why didn't someone, you or your DH or your mum or your dad, say "Your turn to cook tonight" or "Your turn to wash up" or "You owe £50 for the food we bought"? How did you all let that happen?

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 16:01

15 years of habit I guess, Imperial. Starts off small and then sort of grows.

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