DB and SIL total pi55 takers

[cactuscantina]

I have just spent the last 2 weeks on holiday with my family - the group inc my parents DB and SIL plus their 3 DC and also my own.

My DP generously hired the villa and we contributed towards the food and drink.

DB and SIL made no offer to contribute towards the villa or any F & B.

I have never got on too brilliantly with DB and his family but was determind for the sake of all the children to make it a good holiday and resolved
not to get upset when DB and SIL basically did nothing which we had anticipated a bit, but did not imagine it would be as bad as it was!!

For example they did not offer to provide one meal or cook for anybody, I was left to do all the cooking for all the children and all the adults, they did not lift one finger to help tidy up or wash up and if pulled up on it would either reply 'well we are on holiday" or apologise, offer to do it but then dissapear into the bedroom only to return when it had all been done.

SIL also kept a load of food in her room for her children but quite happily helped herself to anything in the kitchen.

Anyway predictably enough it all got a bit nasty as basically DP and me ended up feeling very resentful that we did everything and they quite literally did absolutely nothing.

They are now saying they want to come to ours for christmas - I quite honestly don't want to see them again and certainly don't want to put them up but parents are upset that I might cause a rift amoungst us all.

I really feel I have tried to get on with them and make an effort but I just don't have the same feelings of entitlement that they do and am fed up of 15 years of running around after them to keep the peace for everyones elses sake - I don't like them I don't enjoy their company and I am not their slave.

How can I bow out of this relationship with them without upsetting the whole family dynamics?

I get that, but still. Weren't you sitting down discussing who'd do what? Who went shopping? I just don't understand why nobody said, "OK the shopping came to £X so that'll be £X for everyone to chip in."

There are often things that you would do if you were on your own with another adult in an equal situation that you wouldn't do in the presence of parents - because you feel concern for the parents. And these family 'habits' can get ingrained. Quite invidious.

If you are going to agree, so your parents aren't upset (although why should you) make it clear upfront that you will only do it once they agree

A) Pay X to you by Y date in October to cover their food and drink costs.
B) They will not be sitting on their fat arses all day while others wait on them.
C) if either of these aren't adhere too then even on christmas day you will kick them out of your house as you are NOT their servant.

But I do think you need to explain to your parents that you will not be pussyfooting around them any more, and you will not let them ruin anymore holidays or celebrations.

If they don't like then tough.

Once you give in the slightest bit with these sort of takers, where, then you're back where you started out of habit. I simply wouldn't let them near my house at Xmas, whatever protestations were made and by whomsoever.

I know Cozietoesie.

I was trying give some pointers that OP could use as both with her parents as to not upset them and by letting BIL & SIL know she that she is fully aware that they are piss takers.

We all Know if she was to ask them for this then there is no where on earth will they agree to anything.

Well of course they wouldn't agree. Myself, I think that if asked to agree to terms, they'd flounce (at the 'dreadful insult') and then make efforts to spoil Xmas so badly that everyone would be in an uproar for years to come.

Far easier just to say no with little or no explanation.

(I've got by for years with simply saying 'No - we don't get on' whenever such matters are broached. And repeating as a litany whenever necessary. It may be an amorphous glob of a statement but it goes down much easier than citing chapter and verse. If you do the latter, family tend to try and pick off individual points and persuade you otherwise.)

I have maybe missed a response but why can't everyone go to your parents for Christmas. They are the ones who get something out of it by seeing their children and grandchildren together, so why aren't they the ones to host?

Oh and I'm still a little bemused that they weren't involved in prep or clean up from any of the meals at the villa either.

How far away do your parents live Op?
And how far are the piss takers?

What normally happens at Christmas

I.dont k ow why, after maximum one week, you didnt just stop making them dinner each evening? Then they would have to step up and done something.

Fair play they shouldnt be walking all over you but dont lie down in front of them.and make.it easier!

You are all absolutely right! Basically DB and SIL don't make any effort at all to be part of our family - I am very close with my DP.

This has caused alot of upset over the years as obviously my DPs want to see DB and the DGC but whenever they do meet up it has been at mine as I live half way between the DB and DPs. Invariably SIL does/says something to upset someone.

SIL makes it quite clear no one can stay with them (I have never eaten in their house or even had a cup of tea there). If you go over you would be expected to go out to eat and not stay long despite the 4 hour drive. She displays alot of odd behaviour but I don't want to put it as it would out me for sure.

This year was the first time in years that they have spent time with my parents who were hoping this would be a bit of a turn for the better and perhaps lead to a better relationship between us all. They were also hoping to get to know their 3 DGC who they barely know at all.

There has never been any actual falling out between my parents and them but that is because we bite our tongue a lot. SIL is the type that knows everything, very strong opinions that are often very strange so in order not to argue with her and make things worse you just kind of change the subject as trying to give her a balanced opinion would just make her even more sure she is right.

She is also completely devoid of humour - she finds nothing funny and takes offense at the least little thing.

Her boys are OK but they never do anything wrong etc

I feel sorry for DB as I do think he is a bit trapped he is definitely not happy with her and appears to have checked out of the relationship and in fact doesn't even seem interested in his sons which doesn't seem like him but SIL has to control everything and you can see he has given up. I actually don't blame him.

I feel sorry for my parents as they do want a relationship with him and his family obviously but without me facilitating a halfway meeting point it won't really happen I don't think but I really feel like I can't be bothered anymore there is literally nothing in it for me.

Blimey that was long - sorry!!! (could actually go on about it for ever)

So there's no family tradition of sharing Xmas?

Oh god this sounds like my brother and his wife except its my parents whose hospitality gets mistreated. DH and I have taken to loudly requesting their help with things in front of people so they find it hard to say no i.e. 'Come on x lets do the washing up and give mum a break'. 'wow mum you've been working so hard let SIL and me sort out dinner for you'.

Its an imperfect science as it doesnt always work and unfortunately as soon as i go home the lazy feckers sit on their arses and expect my mum to be their skivvy again.

No great advice i'm afraid here just sympathy.

SunnyL - yes that is exactly it!! either I do it or parents do it but never them, if we asked them to get off their ar53s they reply "we're on our holiday?" and look totally bemused. I am not sure what they thought I was on? or DPs come to that who had basically paid for all of it!!

No cozie this would be the first xmas together that is why I think DP were looking forward to it. I do sometimes spend it with my parents and sometimes not just depends.

Alot of you have hit the nail on the head though so really apprecaite everyones comments.

Ah right - so there's no real tradition of staying together at all. Which means that there haven't been years and years of habits developing and they're basically, therefore, just horrible self-centred people.

I'd forget about them cactus - after you say a firm No to Xmas that is. I hear that your parents want everyone to meet up and to get to know their DGCs but is there really any point in their socializing more frequently with shits? Maybe a little distance would be no bad thing - they might feel a little sad that they're not seeing them but at least they wouldn't be exposed to the horrible truth and all the stress.

There's always the possibility of getting to know their kids on an individual footing later on. They might turn out all right.

Yes but why didn't you say "We're on our holiday too!"?

Why didn't you say, "Come on, DB, let's get the food - mum and dad have paid for the holiday, so we'll get the food between us."?

yes cozie that is what they keep hoping that the boys will want to know them when they are older as feels a bit like a lost cause at the moment

Just keep on sending birthday and Xmas cards to the kids so that they remember you all exist. Not a whole lot more you can realistically do at the moment if SIL is so odd.

Its tough when parents are involved in these situations. Personally i'd love to give my brother a piece of my mind but he'd get in such a huff about it my parents would rather i didnt say anything as they are worried they wont get to see their grandkid anymore.

The worst occassion for us was when SIL brought her mother with her to my parents for christmas. She was even lazier than SIL and was waited on hand and foot by my parents for a week. To say thank you she got them a fancy bar of chocolate. I mean 5 nights all inclusive accomodation with your own butler and maid is clearly worth a bar of chocolate.

There's almost something like reverting back to childhood in it - letting slip all responsibilities and leaving things to others. I recall my siblings happily letting the parents pay for things when they were out (that would be the parents who were on pensions while the siblings were earning good money) because that was 'what had always happened'.

It's very telling that they never invite anyone to their house. I'd guess it is in a bad state given their disinterest in anything domestic. This behaviour of SIL is likely deep-rooted and part of the way she lives and I would not be surprised if she no longer notices the mess and how she lives.
So far the rest of the family has been treating it in a passive/aggressive way ie picking up the slack, then moaning that you have felt you had to afterwards.
In the long run, you may be doing your DB a favour by tackling things head on and getting tough. He's lost the will to change things but a kick in the right way may shake him into some action -as he's your family, he will miss you most if no longer invited to gatherings. You have to hold back on doing things for them to get them to appreciate your efforts, even if it means ignoring any mess till they deal with it or grief from saying no. GL

I don't see what it to be achieved by a row with DB and SIL, they won't start being reasonable with you.

Would your DB really not go to his parents house to see them? I do think you need to stop faclititating it. If your parents want a relationshp with their son, they will make sort it without having to meet at your house.

I'm not surprised they want to come for Christmas. Utterly disgraceful behaviour by prize piss takers. You all have to stop this pandering.

Just say no, you'll still be recovering from your summer holiday!