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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've had enough........

38 replies

CityTiliDie · 16/08/2013 11:31

I've posted b4 about our problems but I think I have now had enough of them!

No idea what I'm going to do. I dont want to leave DW. I love her. I love my DD too and they are pretty much all I have in the world but it just cant continue like this.

DW suffers with PMT for about 3 out of 4 weeks getting gradually worse upto the day after her period starts then is 'reasonable' for a few days b4 it starts again. her PMT shows in the following ways;
Snappy and shouty at me and DD
Bad headaches that last 2-3 days
No decent sleep for a week or more
Skin problems mainly on face and hands
Sore breasts
Painful cramps on 1st two days of period
No libido...... at all .... ever
These start mild in the first week getting worse up to the day after her period starts.
She has tried...... agnus castus, evening primrose oil, magnesium but refuses point blank to see her GP as she will not have any artificial hormones in her body.

She does not treat me or DD with any respect for a week or more each 'month'

Sex and intimacy is restricted. She never initiates cuddles and rarely gives me a hug for no reason. Sex is strictly once a month which I can predict the day regardless of her mood and I am convinced that it is 'duty sex' just to placate me. I do have a higher libido though I think i'm normal and never put pressure on DW for sex.

SHe tells me what a good father I am and a great husband and friend I am (all in writing in a letter on our recent 13th anniversary) but during counselling last year she admitted that she doesnt fancy me and when the counselling became too much for her she quit and has never been back. She is a SAHM who is HE our DD but we share the housework and I do lots of the cooking and most of the child care in the evenings and weekends.
She is never happy and always rants about other people who have things better than us but will not accept that she may be depressed as there is 'fuck all anyone can do about it'

I really dont think she sees the effect of her moods and behaviour has on me and DD and I dont think I can take it anymore but I'm scared to leave DD with her due to her verbal aggression and lack of patience.

Cant believe I have just written all that down and thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. You deserve an cup of tea and a biscuit.

Not sure what I'm asking for but having typed it all out i thought it might feel better.

It doesnt.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 11:39

i'll take the Brew and the Biscuit

Being at home with DDover the holidays has sent me a leeetle bit loopy and i'm climbing the walls - does your DW get any time out of the house? meeting other people? I can imagine her set up is pretty isolating and there is nothing like groundhog days to put a damper on libido.

Have you considered couples counselling?

Mosman · 16/08/2013 11:40

Has she seen a doctor, she needs to take responsibility for her health and get that sorted first and foremost.

spanky2 · 16/08/2013 11:41

She does need to go to the doctor . She doesn't have to feel like this every month. I used to get bad pmt but not since I had the myrena coil . It also stops your periods . She sounds like she needs to get out of the house more . Are there some groups for he to attend with their dc ? Maybe a hobby for her to do on her own too.

Original poster
CityTiliDie · 16/08/2013 11:43

Hi LEM. Thanks for reading and replying. Yes she does get out of the house and meet other people, prety much every day. SHe is able to do what ever she pleases, she can join any clubs etc she wants but hardly ever does.

We tried the couples counselling last year but it got 'too much' for DW and she stopped it. Never been back and wont discuss it as there is no point 'it didnt work last time, therefore it wont work in the future' is the usual answer.

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 16/08/2013 11:44
Sad

I'm so sorry it all sounds so awful. You sound like you're at the end of your tether and I'm sure your wife can't be happy either.

I presume you've told her everything you've written here? If not I suggest you do.

If you have told her and she refuses to seek help, I think your only option is to tell her that it will mean the end of your relationship. I know you're worried about custody of your dd, but go to a solicitor and get good legal advice and hopefully you could go for joint custody?

spanky2 · 16/08/2013 11:47

Could she have depression ?

Original poster
CityTiliDie · 16/08/2013 11:49

I have tried talking to her but it usually just ends with her getting angry and agressive saying she's tried everything , does not want the coil (bad past experience) wont take the pill as its 'artificial hormones' and wont have them in her body. The GP cant do anything about her mood as the anti deps have never worked in the past and conselling is 'shit' and too long a waiting time.

So I have tried the sit down and explain it routine but all to no avail.

I cant afford to leave and a dont think I want to stay.

I love her soooooo much it hurts but ...........

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 11:50

what do you think YOU could do to change things?

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 11:52

Has she given anti-D's a chance?

If you love her as much as you say you do, how is leaving going to help you?

What does she want to change? does she know?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 16/08/2013 11:52

She sounds like she doesn't want to feel better and uses the PMT as a way to keep you at arms length.

Do you honestly think you can keep this lifestyle up, it must be horrendous.

KhloeKardashian · 16/08/2013 11:55

Can you organise to speak to her on the few days she has no PMT a month and ask her to see a GP. It is not a healthy environment for your DD.

BreeWannabe · 16/08/2013 11:56

Have you told her straight that you can't cope with being treated like this anymore and that it is jeapordising your marriage? Does she realise it's going to have such serious consequences? Perhaps that might shock her into going to the doctor. She can't be happy living like this, always angry etc and you certainly don't deserve to be on the receiving end of her behaviour, regardless of what is causing it,

AnyFucker · 16/08/2013 11:59

If you are looking for permission to leave I would say you have it in spades

Would she consider splitting and going through mediation to assist in establishing an amicable Co parenting arrangement for your dd ?

Original poster
CityTiliDie · 16/08/2013 12:03

I wish I knew what I could do to try and change things. I have asked and offered everything.
I have offered to sell my business and move to whereever she wants to go. I have offered to help finance her through further studies to find a career she wants. i have said she can join any club, society etc etc and I will look after DD. She can go out to TaiChi, Yoga, the Gym, evening classes but there is always a reason why she cant do it.

Yes I am totally sure of depression , she has a long previous history fo severe depression which was 7 ears of hell but I stuck with it because I love her but this seems so much worse and if I had hair to pull out I would. I often just sit and cry for hours at the futility of it all.

We have a good life. A largeish house ina quiet area, we have no debts and some savings, we have two cars and two holidays a year. she buys clothes and shoes like they are about to run out of stock and I never complain but nothing is ever right or good enough.

I know suicide is a selfish and desparate thing to do and at the end of the day I would never do it but it has crossed my mind on more than one occassion recently.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read and reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
CityTiliDie · 16/08/2013 12:06

Wow the venerable AF! Thanks.

No i do not want to leave. I have been there B4 with DW No1 and never want to experience it again, that was totally different as she ran off with my 'mate'.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 16/08/2013 12:10

Women who have had depression are more likely to get bad pmt . She needs to want to change .

YouStayClassySanDiego · 16/08/2013 12:11

Well something will have to give and it doesn't sound like it'll come from her, she doesn't care about you at all does she?

She's treating you like a mug, I'm not sure where you can go with this if you don't leave her, sorry to say. Sad

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 12:11

I think your last post is really telling - i think you need to stand up to her actually. She needs to pull her bloody finger out of her arse and sort herself out actually - buying her an endless range of clothes and shoes isn't going to help!

Have you considered counselling for yourself? You sound like you have self esteem issues of your own.

ARe you getting anything back from this woman?

Yogagirl17 · 16/08/2013 12:11

Definitely sounds like she is depressed - at the very least she is unhappy and convinced herself that she can't do anything to change it. And because she's convinced of this she's shut down any openness to trying to change or improve - she's probably even convinced herself that it's not that bad. Sometimes it's only when something drastic happens to force change that you can look back and see just how bad it was.

The problem is not just that she's unhappy but that she's resigned to being unhappy for the duration. Some people can live like this for a very, very long time.

Sounds like, as much as you love her, you don't want to. And you shouldn't have to because eventually something will break..you, her, the relationship...someone will have an affair or a breakdown or just walk out. Or worse - nothing changes.

Have you thought about going for counselling yourself? Explain to her that you love her very much but you're really unhappy right now. You really would like to work with her to find a way to make things better but if she won't then you will. A counsellor won't have a magic pill - they won't be able to tell you what to do to fix things, but hopefully it will help you sort out how you feel and help you get some clarity on what you want to happen.

Yogagirl17 · 16/08/2013 12:16

Just read your last post OP and definitely say go for counselling yourself. Right now you're so focussed on trying to change her that you're ignoring the fact of your own unhappiness. Go to a counsellor and talk about THAT. Not about how depressed your wife is - talk about you. What do you need? What can you do for yourself? Someone said 'does she know what she wants'. Probably not. But you can't answer that - all you can figure out is what you want.

omaoma · 16/08/2013 12:17

I don't know what to say. What is in the continuation of this form family life for you and DD? You say you love her, but how long as she been in a state where she's only a reasonable human being for a few days a month? Wouldn't it be truer to say you love the person she used to be? What is this verbal aggression that makes you scared to leave her with DD? How old is DD, how does she feel about being at home with your wife all the time/how is their relationship?

It sounds like there are possibly some big issues your wife isn't able to confront. It does sound like some form of depression. She is blocking all attempts to help her, especially by refusing conventional medicine. PMT for 3.5 weeks out of 4 is not really normal.

I would start by thinking of myself separately. What small things that you have control over would make you happier about life - seeing friends, spending quality time with DD, getting your own counselling. Make sure your DD is ok and that she feels she has a loving and open line of communication with you. Keep a factual diary of how your wife's behaviour is, good and bad, for a few months, so there's something objective to refer to and reflect on. Look at your finances and do some sums. Maybe see your GP yourself to see if they can suggest anything (unlikely). Are you close to her family or friends, can you ask them to intervene?

Then on one of her 'good' days explain that you can't go on and you are willing to support her getting help in whatever way she will countenance, but if she feels unable to you suggest a trial separation so the two of you can work out what happens next, with joint custody of DD.

omaoma · 16/08/2013 12:22

xpost. I'm sorry that you desperately don't want this marriage to end because of your experience with your first wife. But wishing doesn't make a difference to reality. Please do consider counselling for yourself, you need to sort out yourself, then you can be there for your DD and finally work out what needs to happen in your marriage. money clearly isn't a problem so that is one small blessing here.

HungryGeorge · 16/08/2013 12:23

I don't know what you can do if she won't engage in helping herself/the marriage other than leave or continue to be miserable :(

LisaMed · 16/08/2013 12:24

You need to ask her why she thinks its okay to use you and your daughter as a punchbag. You need to ask her why she thinks its okay to raise your daughter in such a dreadful environment. You need to tell her that she needs to get better or the emotional damage she is doing to her daughter will be permanent.

She will not get better until she wants to get better. At the moment she has no reason to get better.

If you do not leave then it is unlikely that things will get better. There is a chance things will get worse. How are you protecting your daughter?

Sorry to sound harsh. It is a dreadful place and I hope things work for you.

KhloeKardashian · 16/08/2013 12:28

If you are suicidal, what has your GP done for your depression?

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