I think I've had enough........

[CityTiliDie]

I've posted b4 about our problems but I think I have now had enough of them!

No idea what I'm going to do. I dont want to leave DW. I love her. I love my DD too and they are pretty much all I have in the world but it just cant continue like this.

DW suffers with PMT for about 3 out of 4 weeks getting gradually worse upto the day after her period starts then is 'reasonable' for a few days b4 it starts again. her PMT shows in the following ways;
Snappy and shouty at me and DD
Bad headaches that last 2-3 days
No decent sleep for a week or more
Skin problems mainly on face and hands
Sore breasts
Painful cramps on 1st two days of period
No libido...... at all .... ever
These start mild in the first week getting worse up to the day after her period starts.
She has tried...... agnus castus, evening primrose oil, magnesium but refuses point blank to see her GP as she will not have any artificial hormones in her body.

She does not treat me or DD with any respect for a week or more each 'month'

Sex and intimacy is restricted. She never initiates cuddles and rarely gives me a hug for no reason. Sex is strictly once a month which I can predict the day regardless of her mood and I am convinced that it is 'duty sex' just to placate me. I do have a higher libido though I think i'm normal and never put pressure on DW for sex.

SHe tells me what a good father I am and a great husband and friend I am (all in writing in a letter on our recent 13th anniversary) but during counselling last year she admitted that she doesnt fancy me and when the counselling became too much for her she quit and has never been back. She is a SAHM who is HE our DD but we share the housework and I do lots of the cooking and most of the child care in the evenings and weekends.
She is never happy and always rants about other people who have things better than us but will not accept that she may be depressed as there is 'fuck all anyone can do about it'

I really dont think she sees the effect of her moods and behaviour has on me and DD and I dont think I can take it anymore but I'm scared to leave DD with her due to her verbal aggression and lack of patience.

Cant believe I have just written all that down and thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. You deserve an cup of tea and a biscuit.

Not sure what I'm asking for but having typed it all out i thought it might feel better.

It doesnt.

I think you should go and see your GP. You need to get help for yourself first.

When you get better you need to go for councelling and work on the pan how to move on with your life.

Looks like your family life is pretty much affected 100% of time by 2 grown-ups who are both depressed.

This must be difficult time for your daughter.
Why is she home schooled?

this cannot go on, op

I will say to you what I would say to a woman

No one other person is worth bringing yourself so low for.

I'm Back!!

DD is 4 almost 5. Her relationship with her DM is hot and cold. Sometimes they are great together and have a wonderful time but other times they argue like teenagers, raising voices, DD getting violent, DW shouting as much and usually first.

I think I may goto GP though that could take months as our gp is shit and I have my own one man business which means getting an appt is like finding rocking horse poo!

Financially it would be almost impossible to split but that is no reason not to leave.

I have no close family, my mum who I could have talked to died 6 years ago and the rest of my family live 300 miles away and dont give a shit.

DW's family are a big cause of her problems so I cant talk to any of them, they are all way more fucked up than me and DW put together.

I dont see how my GP could help apart from Anti Deps and I have had fairly poor reactions to them in the past.

I dont want to do the ultimatum,,, CHange or I'm off. Thats just not fair

Hang on you are depressed and complaining about your DW being depressed and not going to the GP and you don't go yourself, and I don't mean what excuses do you have to avoid going?

There are always going to be excuses and reasons not to do things or reasons to say you have no choice but to carry on as you are. The thing is...there is ALWAYS a choice. If this is important...if making a change is really a priority...then make it happen. Make an appointment with your GP - I bet if you tell them you've thought about hurting yourself you would get an appointment pretty fucking fast. Work? Take a day off. Don't tell me you can't - if you need to, then do it. If you thought you had cancer and needed a day off for a scan or a biopsy you would do it, wouldn't you? Well this is just as important. Period.

Then a)talk to the GP about different options with ADs - if you've had bad reactions in the past try something different. And b)ask for a referral for counselling. Or find a charity that offers low cost counselling in your area - there are lots all over the country. Or if you can afford it, see a private counsellor - that way no waiting list and you can find a time that suits you. Most private counsellors will offer some 'off-peak' hours.

You can come here to off-load but it's no substitute for getting some real help. x

1/ there may be new AD's you haven't tried - opt for a different one - go a see any GP, not your ow nonw, if you feel suicidal this IS emergency and don't gey put off - insist that yo uare unwell and you need to se someone
2/ change GP
3/ go private
4/ look for counsellor

those are 4 things you can do in the next few days - are you able to commit to try at least 2 of them
for the sake of your sanity

This is from a poster who had a similar mother.

In retrospect I think my mum probably had something called PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) or something called 'Menstrual Psychosis' the latter is a controversial diagnosis which only a handful of doctors specialise in.

Apparently Menstrual Psychosis is commonly misdiagnosed as manic depression, but responds to treatment that balances hormone levels.

Even if this is not the case with my mum or your wife, it may just be an extreme form of PMS coupled with depression.

My mum was crazy, angry & aggressive & really quite mad 80% of the time. It didn't change much when she had a hysterectomy, but once she had the menopause she became a different person.

The reason I mention this is because I ended up with a debilitating but non-serious physical illness & PTSD in my teens. Totally related to having to deal with my mum.

It's exhausting & stressful living around someone who behaves like this, as you know yourself, and it's no less so for your daughter. She is growing learning to deal with the crazy lady. And in some ways it's harder for the child because the mother is an authority over her. Please consider the effect of all of this on her. Don't minimise it.

I wish my mum had taken responsibility for herself, & I wish my dad had stood up to her, & given her an ultimatum if necessary, because it might have forced her to get treatment. The fact that neither of these things happened is a tragedy for her because she never did get the help she needed.

I would have been so relieved if my parents had split & I could have gone to live with my dad, & I may not have got ill myself.

You clearly love your wife, but you also love your daughter so please consider what's best for her too.

You have a "large house", no debts, can still afford for her to be a SAHM who is mad about shopping and 2 hols a year!! Then on the other hand " I can't afford to move out"? See the dicotomy there.
Start by being honest with yourself, you are the barrier to changing your life, the finances are obviously an excuse, perhaps a little like the excuses your DW comes up with? Both in the thick of it for what appears to be years so far, you are no longer able to see the wood for the trees and look at the bigger picture for yourselves and your DD's future happiness.
Your choice? Get perspective by moving out as a trial or at least say you need a break and spend a couple of weeks away out of the situation, this will also make her see you are serious.
Or you can carry on as you have been doing for the rest of your days, feeling like crap but doing nothing about it - which at least is equal to your DW.

I think you need to get yourself and your DW off to the GP for a double appointment. Depression may not even be the primary health problem you both have. Your DW may have as suggested hormone imbalances, thyroid problems, low vitamin D, sleep disorders all sorts of physical things can cause depression. The antidepressants may not have worked as you may be physically ill and your GP missed it?

No good at all for your DD having to deal with two mentally ill parents, both finding excuses to avoid their issues. By it's nature depression makes you feel worthless, so if you will not seek medical help for yourself then do it for your DD. I feel for you both, the thing is you have a child with no parent who is well.

Also just want to say - some of the advice on here may be hard for you to hear. You probably were just hoping for lots of sympathy and hugs and advice on how to get your DW to sort herself out. I think everyone on here feels for you and how hard this must be. All the advice is well meant - please try to take some of it on board. And oh yeah - hugs too. :)

This could have been me a couple of years ago. I went to GP and was prescribed antidepressants to take for duration of pmt each month, as I was 40 they wouldn't prescribe the pill.

It made a massive difference and I didn't use them every month, just when it was bad. I'm now on hrt as went through menopause early so I wonder if severe pmt was the start of my symptoms. Anyway, I now feel 10 years younger and am so much happier - so is DH.

The first step for your wife is to see her doc, the problem is you can't make her. Perhaps show her this thread, if it's supportive that is, may make her realise there is help available which could make her much happier in herself.

Could you visit the Dr on her behalf? If she is struggling to see the extent of her PMT/Depression the effect it could be having on your DD then perhaps it is worth you discussing with the dr to see if you can then give her some support?

Or ... and I really don't want to sound harsh but do you every challenge her much? ie do you discus things with her rather than her just bringing something up and you say ok? I am just asking because I'm not happy mostly because when ever I suggest anything DH says Yes, but I feel that he doesn't consider us or the DC's and just says Yes for an easy life so can get back to thinking about his hobbies. It maybe that she feels like you don't appreciate her?

You sound so resigned, and all the while she's emotionally abusing you AND your DD.

You can't let this situation continue.

You can't change her, she has to take responsibility for herself, and you take your own responsibility.

If this woman is shouting, screaming and your DD is violent and acting out, at 4yo, the home education has to stop NOW. Your child needs to go to school, to get away from a mother who is as supposedly so out of control, so often.

The stance you need to take with your W is that either she gets help or SHE has to leave.

Please don't prevaricate, this is your DD that's being harmed here. You're all being tortured by someone who's not in the least bit interested in helping herself.

She may have given up thinking she can't be helped, but she's not helping herself at all by refusing the majority of potential approaches.