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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my boyfriend loves me - not so keen on my 3yr old

55 replies

KnightMare · 15/08/2013 21:33

this is an issue that wasn't apparent in the early stages of our relationship, I suppose my bf was trying really hard in the beginning, but after 17 months he has made it clear that he couldn't consider us living together while ds2 is little because he would be miserable all the time. I'm sure it never used to be like this but now every time bf stays over ds2 begins to play up and do things to annoy him. bf says my ds1 is fine, ds1 is a similar age to his own ds and they spend all night on their computers. I just don't think my bf wants to go through raising a little boy again, I love my bf and we get on amazingly but this isn't fair on ds2 is it?

I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom from anyone that has been in a similar situation, or anyone with an opinion for that matter.

OP posts:
Beamur · 15/08/2013 22:45

You're right to call time on this. Your DS2 deserves someone around who can be kind and accepting of him.
When I met my DH he told me about his kids, they are part of the deal. If I hadn't got on with the kids the relationship would have ended. I've always accepted that the kids needs come first - it's tough enough sometimes that your Mum & Dad aren't together, but adding a horrible step parent into that just isn't on.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/08/2013 22:46

I don't think I could like, let alone love, someone who didnt like my DS.

Everytime you feel like an "emotional train wreck", read mike's post. It's those type if feelings that will make you and your DS' vulnerable to men like that. Don't feel sad - realise you've all had a lucky escape and thank God he told you how he felt before things progressed further.

BerylStreep · 15/08/2013 22:47

Glad to hear you are binning him. Your DS needs to come first.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 15/08/2013 22:52

It's the right thing to have done.
You should never put a relationship before your children.
Because your children will always be your children, but someone who comes into your life so easy, can leave it even quicker.
Besides, who wants to be with someone who a) doesn't like their child b) can't handle things when the going gets tough c) gives you an ultimatum about whether he can stick around/move in or not.

He's helped you make a choice, thank him for that.
Then tell him to shut the door on his way out.

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2013 22:59

How can you love someone who doesn't like your child? That is beyond me.

BumbleChum · 15/08/2013 23:09

well done, he would have shown other negative traits soon. Someone who doesn't like your child and lets you know it is not going to hold back when he discovers other things he doesn't like about you.

your bf could have ruined your DS2's life, if you'd kept him around.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/08/2013 00:57

Good decision. Your son has to come first, and once you bin this bloke you are free to meet one who will be good to all of you. Not that it's obligatory. There are plenty of good men out there. Don't settle for this one.

Monty27 · 16/08/2013 01:05

You can't put having a bf over the welfare of your dcs.

You're well rid.

working9while5 · 16/08/2013 01:22

Well done you. Immature little sod. He can't love you and not your kid.

FixItUpChappie · 16/08/2013 03:41

Good for you OP....don't let him do the whole "I'll try harder routine" either - if this is who he is and how he feels than that is that.

PirateJelly · 16/08/2013 08:06

Well done Op, other posters are right he has to see you as a package. I have a 4 yr old DS who even I admit can be the most annoying child at times but bf has accepted him even though at times it's hard especially when DS tells bf he hates him or to leave and gets jealous. He tells me he loves DS because he's part of me, so accepts him warts and all just like he accepts me.

My older Sis is still living separately from her bf of 6 years
because he just won't accept her 9 yr old ds Sad. He never spends anytime with him and always waits untill he's in bed to pop round, have never been on a holiday or even a day out as a family. All this because when DN was younger (3/4) he used to 'bug' her bf by basically trying to get his attention and bf said some pretty hurtful things. Why dsis didn't end it then I'll never know but I know she was in tears recently to my mum saying she'd never be able to have another baby because she's terrified that if she did dickhead bf would show obvious favoritism and still refuse to accept her ds (she's 39) but refuses to finish it because she loves him and he's her soul mate apparently Sad

Good luck for the future Op you are definitely making the right decision.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 16/08/2013 08:08

Exactly what expat said!

MissStrawberry · 16/08/2013 09:55

My mother chose men over me all my life and it is pretty shit when you realise it. I haven't seen her for years and never will again.

savemefromrickets · 18/08/2013 21:46

Poor you. End it before you get even more attached.

emmelinelucas · 18/08/2013 22:07

Listen to Pirate, OP.
Thats it, really.
When you do chuck him, and you come back on here, you will get the support you need.
And I dont often fall in the LTB puddle either.
SPLASH.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 18/08/2013 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roweeena · 18/08/2013 23:06

Please make sure you show this man the door - smdon't waste anymore time on him. Your son deserves the best, don't settle for this idiot

JohFlow · 18/08/2013 23:29

You and your kids come as a team. Anyone that tries to split you - well that's a 'deal breaker' in my book. xx

pictish · 18/08/2013 23:32

Well...I don't think he had to 'love' your dcs....but he sure as hell has to accept them. Disliking them is a total deal breaker, as it would be a crime to make your little one live with someone who doesn't want them there.

You are right. He has got to go!

Snatchoo · 18/08/2013 23:35

I am so glad to see you are going to let him go. I really don't mean that to sound as mean as it does!

My cousin had a daughter with her now ex-husband. She's about 14 now. They split when she was little. She has another boyfriend, they've been together for years now and have a son who's about 2.

Her boyfriend has never liked her daughter, and has been completely upfront about it as well Sad. I feel so sorry for her, I don't know them very well but from what mum tells me, the bf basically won't even speak to his stepdaughter. He's a complete helicopter with his own son, but his stepdaughter - that he's known since she was about 5 - he completely ignores.

She spends a lot of time with her auntie and grandparents as otherwise she's up in her room by herself. I feel awful about it - especially as my cousin obviously just can't see it! Or maybe she chooses to ignore it. I don't doubt that the second she can, she'll move out or maybe move to her dad's and stop seeing her mum.

I can't imagine doing that to my own kids. DH has a son, I would have split with DH had I not liked his son.

Good luck OP, stay strong - you are doing exactly the right thing x

pictish · 18/08/2013 23:45

I certainly can't imagine sticking with someone who didn't like my children.

themaltesefalcon · 19/08/2013 02:05

Good for you, OP.

There's something wrong with people who don't like three-year-olds, anyway. They are the best.

burstingbaboon · 19/08/2013 02:22

You , as a mother, should make it clear that you and your children come as a package! Under no circumstance don't let your childeren be 2nd ! It matters how they feel not how he feels!

burstingbaboon · 19/08/2013 02:23

Ups! Just read the all posts ! Well done!!!

tangerinefeathers · 19/08/2013 06:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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