I'm not sure of my self, please check this out for me

[poleaxed]

Not to drip feed, long sorry, I have namechanged and am seeking advice. My DP would not let me into his computer under the admin account. I called him on it and completely saw my arse, finished the relationship. This is a screaming klaxon red line with me as my please-God-one-day-when-the-tight-bastard-pays-for-it stbExH carried on numerous emotional and at least two actual affairs facilitated via the medium of the internet so this is an absolute no way ever thing for me which DP very well knows.

So he emails me and says it's not what I think, it's because he's got some embarrassing photos of himself on there he was too embarrassed for me to see, and was also scared there was internet history to embarrassing porn stuff I'd previously read him the riot act over. I didn't know what flavour of porn it was at the time, just any was not acceptable to me, especially when I was told he 'had' to use it because I didn't fuck him enough. Which I finished with him for, but we got back together.

He asked me not to tell anyone about this. But I'm not, am I? Not really. I HATE being told that. I HATE IT.

Now, I have taken this all rather badly. I was abused as a child, have struggled for years because of it, was up and down to community mental health with my exH, fell apart totally when it turned out he wasn't depressed he just didn't like me all along, have had lots and lots of counselling, was a major mess for some time.

I really don't know what I'm asking. I thought I might be ok with this man, and my child loves him. He was an ex work colleague. I didn't think after 3 years there would be surprise sexual preferences. He doesn't live with us which is a blessing. Not that there's anything wrong with what he said he was into, each to their own I suppose, but he feels his masculinity is threatened by it and feels ashamed.

I don't want to take this on. This is not what I thought I was signed up for. Then I feel guilty, shouldn't I accept it and work through it? Is that not what love is? He's shown me and my child lots of love and care over the course of the relationship. I cannot fault his efforts with my child.

My exH told me not to tell anyone too, and I think I just want to put it out there, because I don't trust my own judgement really, but I don't want to see this DP again, and I'm really sad, and sad for my child, and in a mess.

Sorry it's incoherent. I have no one to tell. But I don't want to not externalise it outside my head. I think I'm worried I'm way overreacting because of my history. If you've read this far, thank you.

Personally, if I wasn't living with someone I wouldn't expect them to demand access to my computer. There's a lot of private stuff (not porn!) on my computer and I would rather choose who I shared that with.

However, he does seem to have sexual interests which don't tally with your own. You feel free to shout at him for his sexual interests - again this comes across as you feeling free to tell him what to do and how to live. I can see why he locks his computer.

If you don't like what he does, stop seeing him. You're not living with him.

I have nothing to hide but if someone wanted to dig into my laptop I'd be more than uncomfortable with it.

Ah ok fair point. I didn't think of that, because he had free run of all my devices.

Why don't you want to see him again? Because of the porn? Because of not letting you on his computer? Because he told you not to tell anyone? Is there a specific reason?

I think expecting access to a boyfriend's laptop and internet history is unreasonable. You're not even seeking evidence of an affair. Porn is tricky. I'm not sure where I stand on it but if you're as repulsed by it and his preferences as you seem to be maybe you need to ask if you're compatible?

I've nothing to hide but certainly wouldn't share my laptop contents with anyone.

I have nothing to hide and wouldn't mind at all in DH wanted a nose through my computer...he has all my passwords anyway, and for the same reason as you, I have all his. I would hate to think he was hiding something from me...sadly it's a carry over from a previous relationship but I was open with DH about my feelings from the beginning and he was fine about total openness and honesty, and I am as open and honest with him. It works very well for us, but I'm sure it wouldn't for everyone.

It's different if you are married or living together. We don't know whether this boyfriend even thinks the relationship is long term.

Yes, you're right Imperial, but I was honest with DH about my feelings on the subject early on, well before he was my DH, as I didn't want to change the dynamics of the relationship years into it. We both knew very early on it was going to be long term though, so perhaps it's much harder when both partners aren't feeling the same about the future.

Well, I wouldn't bother. You want more openness than he is happy with. He said his porn use was down to you not having enough sex. You sound as if it is triggering all sorts of unhappiness in you. I don't think relationships are meant to do that. They should be supportive and make you feel better about yourself and your life. If you don't want to see him again, then don't. You don't have to make yourself do anything.

It's difficult because on the one hand, I can understand a boyfriend not wanting you nosing through their pc; on the other my H has the complete run of my pc & I his if we wanted it, which neither of us do particularly.

You're in a kind of no man's land of being in a relationship but not living together. I sort of feel in that case what he does on pc is up to him as long as it's not casual sex forums etc.

Obviously that's a big issue for you because of the past & I totally get that, but at the same time his watching porn isn't really your business.

You don't say what the special interest was - so it's difficult to gauge.

Personally I don't like porn & think it's a horrible industry, but at the same time most men watch it, and I'm not sure how reasonable it is to think they wouldn't, given it's so easy to access.

I think it's the length of time it took for him to tell me about it, and then only because I forced the issue. We were talking about moving the relationship on and had been for some time, would have done but for his finances.

This is the sort of thing I would want to know about before committing to a long term relationship with someone, particularly as it would necessitate my participation if he wanted to make it an actuality. I do have an issue with porn and have always been clear about that.

I feel like I don't know him, I suppose. I don't like that at all, especially as I've a child to think about too. If the finances had been right, we would have set up home by now, and I've got a child to think about. I thought it was ok and I knew him.

What are his financial issues? That's a big big problem potentially...
Maybe bigger than this.

It's going to be very very hard to find a man who never watches porn, particularly if you're not living together & he needs to whack one out (sorry). The comment about you not fucking him enough was ghastly, I don't know how representative of him that is though.. is it?

He's out of work. He worked away for a year and when the contract finished wanted to move in with me, I wouldn't let him (not completely stupid!) so he's with family. You're right, that is a major issue, as he wants kids of his own and I'm knocking on, which was never going to happen under these circumstances.

That comment about having to for lack of sex was out of the blue and completely shocked me as he was respectful before then. Given his reaction to revealing his preferences (seems to view it as a weakness and shameful) I think he had some cognitive dissonance going on back there. Whilst I don't think his preferences are shameful, I'm not up for supportive handholding while he comes to terms with it, or facilitation.

Thanks everyone I've had my eyes opened, I didn't realise it was standard to keep a laptop private, or that most men use porn. Naive.

I think it's got too much against it regardless of my issues.

Not all men use porn. They just don't. And they don't "need" sex anymore than anyone else. The comment about needing porn because of not getting enough sex is just blame shifting.

Can you give us any indication what these sexual preferences are about? It's hard to judge at the moment whether its really something he would have felt justified in hiding away from you, are whether that may be just an excuse.

I don't think that all men do 'use' porn regularly, I didn't mean that - but to find a guy who has never or would never watch it would very hard imo... And watching porn in your shared house is very different to him watching it alone in his own place.

I don't think it is standard to keep a laptop private, not if you're living together. Particularly as you've been cheated on in the past via the net. But you're not, so the boundary is not clear there.

It may be that he made that comment because he felt humiliated & cornered by your finding out whatever you did - and lashed out.

I agree with previous posters that there is nothing particularly wrong with him wanting privacy, particularly if you don't live together. However, it seems like it is his particular preferences that are concerning you - is that right? Is the problem porn in general or his particular taste in porn? And I'm not sure what you mean about needing your participation either - are you saying he wants you to engage in sexual activity you're not happy about?

I do have an issue with the porn. I know it's everyone's inalienable right if they want it. It's mine not to, and not to have it in my house, or going down my internet connection.

I'm not sure how to write it without it becoming Googleable but here goes.

If I can be really oblique about it, there are what could be loosely termed 'traditional' gender roles, and costumes one gender in particular sometimes garbs themselves with for these practices. In linguistic terms, a person of one gender typically 'does' the other, garbed one.

In this particular preference, the roles are swapped, complete with costume, plus equipment for the one who doesn't typically have it from birth. A certain amount of coercion seems to be enjoyable.

I know, I know, it's a completely mealy mouthed and cringeworthy way to put something which although not vanilla is probably only neapolitan, nevertheless I would hate this thread to come up in a search.

And that's all fine, obviously, anyone who wants to can do, and that's great, but I don't want to. Nor do I want to spend the rest of my life wondering if there's no satisfaction going on for my significant other because of my tedious vanilla ways.

So there's my answer really.

Please, if you've managed to decipher it from that twaddle, please don't spell it out. I've betrayed enough already.

Is this something you want to partake in or even know about? It wouldn't do anything for me, I'm afraid. I particularly like the coercion.

DISLIKE, not like!

That would finish it for me I'm afraid.

Just get rid of him.

There are lovely, non-porn watching, respectful men out there (DH I am looking at you) and you can do so much better than this vile little man.

Be grateful you found out now before he moved in and you had his children.

(((((Hug)))))

I don't think porn is anyone's unalienable right, I think it's ruining women's lives, & some men's too, & I wish that all women across the world would just stop making it, like the sex strike in Aristophanes. Unfortunately we can't get rid of it.

But you have the right to say you don't want any porn in your house, you have the right to say that you find this sexual practice so gross that it's put you off him.

For me watching a bit of mainstream porn in his own house is not a chuckable offence, but that's not what you're dealing with here. And ultimately how you feel about it is the only thing of importance here.

I'm not totally sure why he's a "vile man". I don't like porn either, but have you discussed that with him? Told him you're to happy with that? Or is it more the particular type of porn that's the problem here? I can understand why he would want to keep that a secret in his computer, if he hasn't already discussed it with you, and I don't think him not wanting you to log on as an administrator is at all unreasonable really. I can also understand why you might be pretty shocked at his sexual preferences, though, if it's all new to you. Could you not sit him down and have a discussion about your feelings re. the porn? I don't know if I'd want to chuck away a three-year relationship with someone over this - especially a relationship with a man that my child adored and who had been great with them.

Sorry - first line should say NOT happy with that, not TO happy with that.

He is a vile little man as he said he needed the porn as she didnt fuck him enough!

Ugh!

Get rid.....or let JacquelinePeacock have him.