I'm not sure of my self, please check this out for me

[poleaxed]

Not to drip feed, long sorry, I have namechanged and am seeking advice. My DP would not let me into his computer under the admin account. I called him on it and completely saw my arse, finished the relationship. This is a screaming klaxon red line with me as my please-God-one-day-when-the-tight-bastard-pays-for-it stbExH carried on numerous emotional and at least two actual affairs facilitated via the medium of the internet so this is an absolute no way ever thing for me which DP very well knows.

So he emails me and says it's not what I think, it's because he's got some embarrassing photos of himself on there he was too embarrassed for me to see, and was also scared there was internet history to embarrassing porn stuff I'd previously read him the riot act over. I didn't know what flavour of porn it was at the time, just any was not acceptable to me, especially when I was told he 'had' to use it because I didn't fuck him enough. Which I finished with him for, but we got back together.

He asked me not to tell anyone about this. But I'm not, am I? Not really. I HATE being told that. I HATE IT.

Now, I have taken this all rather badly. I was abused as a child, have struggled for years because of it, was up and down to community mental health with my exH, fell apart totally when it turned out he wasn't depressed he just didn't like me all along, have had lots and lots of counselling, was a major mess for some time.

I really don't know what I'm asking. I thought I might be ok with this man, and my child loves him. He was an ex work colleague. I didn't think after 3 years there would be surprise sexual preferences. He doesn't live with us which is a blessing. Not that there's anything wrong with what he said he was into, each to their own I suppose, but he feels his masculinity is threatened by it and feels ashamed.

I don't want to take this on. This is not what I thought I was signed up for. Then I feel guilty, shouldn't I accept it and work through it? Is that not what love is? He's shown me and my child lots of love and care over the course of the relationship. I cannot fault his efforts with my child.

My exH told me not to tell anyone too, and I think I just want to put it out there, because I don't trust my own judgement really, but I don't want to see this DP again, and I'm really sad, and sad for my child, and in a mess.

Sorry it's incoherent. I have no one to tell. But I don't want to not externalise it outside my head. I think I'm worried I'm way overreacting because of my history. If you've read this far, thank you.

I don't like porn either, and I'm the one who very clearly said upthread that men don't need porn and that trying to blame it on OP and lack of sex was just crap.

On the other hand, I'm not sure whether OP has discussed her feelings re. porn with him - if not, I'd say time for a discussion straight away and see if he can respect your feelings about it. I wouldn't go straight to chucking him if he has otherwise been great, especially if he is genuinely great with OP's DD, and I don't necessarily think he's vile for having (what sounds to be) a fairly mainstream sexual preference.

Is the "don't tell anyone" part of the problem?

It it's perfectly alright for this to be a deal breaker for you. I wouldn't be with someone who used porn. Yes it might be harder to find men like that, but I would prefer to be alone otherwise.

Do you owe this man something? Is it vital that you maintain some sort of relationship with him? For the sake of your children? He's not their father right? Why are you bothering to angst over this? What is so special about him that you are tying yourself in knots trying to discount his porn use, his unwillingness to be open in a way that you find comfortable? There is no rule on earth that says women have to be so accommodating. You say in your first post that you don't want to take this on. So, don't. Leave him to it. You don't have to be mean or unkind. Just move on.

This has been really helpful for me, and I'm grateful for all the replies.

I made my feelings on porn crystal clear, which is partly why I was so surprised.

I feel I 'owe' him because he stuck by me when I was going through counselling and I was a mess.

I feel guilty about having let someone in to my child's life. They get on like a house on fire. He had recently done some school pick-ups, which went really well. Now that relationship will be lost, my child's first true loss.

I think this is the first 'proper' relationship I've had, previous relationships were blighted by my problems. I think I am afraid to go it alone again, and am afraid that this will be the last relationship I ever have, as I'm not young and what with working full time, childcare and a dog means I don't get out much.

I feel sad because realistically this was my last chance to try for another child. I know I am lucky already and can't complain, but it's the loss of a cherished hope.

What I do know is for me, a line has been crossed, and I won't fully be able to trust again in this relationship. It was phenomenally hard to trust in the first place. I have major doubts about my own judgement anyway, which doesn't help.

I think I clearly still have major work to on my self-esteem!

I don't think you should feel like you should have to bin this relationship if there is enough good to work with. But this certainly isn't your last chance at a relationship, so don't stay in it purely because you believe it is.

Some women are very hardline against porn, & that's fair enough.
I don't feel that way myself but I don't honestly know how I would feel if my H had a particular fetish that revolted me.

If, for you, this is beyond the pale and you feel you cannot continue in this relationship, then that's fair enough. If, on the other hand, you feel like you could work around it, then perhaps you should try.

I would have a problem being told I could not watch porn ever, because I do sometimes watch it. And tbh if I was forbidden from watching it, I would just watch when my H went out... because bans of any kind piss me off. (Childish I know).

If the comment to you about watching porn because you don't have sex enough was said in the heat of the moment, on your discovering his kinky cache, when he was likely to be feeling cornered & ashamed; if it was not representative of who he is as a person; then you should take that into account.

It's very difficult to judge remarks out of context, and I'm sure if some of the things I have said in arguments were isolated, I would sound like an arsehole.

If he supported you through a crisis, that was his choice. You should be grateful and thankful, but you don't owe him your intimate self forever. He can be your child's friend and your friend if you and he wanted that to happen. Give yourself the liberty to choose. Don't feel coerced into doing anything.