rebuilding with DH after affair

[HollieHelen]

DH and I are going through some really tough times after I (stupidly and unforgivably) got involved with high-school sweetheart from 18 years ago.
This is now all over, OM and I are not in touch any more, DH and I have talked everything through. I know he is hurting badly, but I am struggling as to how to acknowledge his hurt on a daily basis whilst also trying to keep up a semblance of normality for DC.
Also, I am really struggling reconnecting with DH physically. Bottom line, I am not attracted to him. I was before I allowed myself to look elsewhere so I know I need to rediscover that for his sake but not sure how??
DH wants us to have more couple time and for everything not to revolve around DC. I want this too and we are going to move house to be closer to family for more help with this, but in the short term what can I do ? do at home date nights work?!

HH xx

Things are not unproblematic - that's why I am here. And also because I would normally talk difficult situations through with my mum and sisters but I don't want to tell them about this (I know, controlling perceptions ...)
I know DH and I will have a long struggle to get back to a truly happy marriage and I want to make sure that we are doing everything we can to do that, that's why I'm here. I don't want to ignore something obvious now and store up grief for the future.
OM ended previous relationship (we were 18) by cheating on me. I went to pieces - anxiety, panic attacks, feeling worthless.
If OM really lied to me I almost feel kind of relieved as I'd been feeling so guilty about his wife chucking him out and not letting him see his DD (this is what he said to me). I felt like I'd ruined his life as well as DH's. If it was all an elaborate lie then I'd prefer that as it would show me he's just a cheat and a liar - far easier to turn my back on.

That's probably worth believing then! I know it's hard, HH. I'm massively controlling too. I ended up with a man so chaotic that he's absolutely impossible to control and so gamed myself out of being able to do it!

Wow! That's a strategy I would never have thought of for dealing with my control freak tendencies! DH is not chaotic, in fact we are both pretty geeky / organised / systematic people. I think that's partly why we got so stuck in a rut after a while ...

I'd say, very simply, that if you do not fancy your DH it is ultimately game over

I disagree. Ok, so I don't fancy the pants off him right now, but I have in the past and I hope I will do again. I do love him though, really love him.
It really hurts that he doesn't trust me at the moment, but I guess that's a given, and I need to earn that trust back.

If it was all an elaborate lie then I'd prefer that as it would show me he's just a cheat and a liar - far easier to turn my back on

You sound like your still caught up with the other man. I think that in fact you would be very hurt if you were to discover that he had lied and discarded you so casually.Its a blow to anyones ego.Consider the possibility that your not the first person hes said all this stuff to, that he has had other affairs.When push comes to shove cheats will throw the other affair partner under the bus every time.

It really hurts that he doesn't trust me at the moment

I hope you havent said this to him.

Of course I haven't said this to DH!! I am not completely insensitive! That's why I prefert to express thisa stuff here so that at home I can be there for him. I know I have to earn his trust back and that it will take a long, long time.
Yesterday I had a job interview and DH was stressed as the train (long journey) was going through the town where OM works. When the train was delayed on the way home I was panicking DH wouldn't believe this and would think I'd deliberately come back late. I was texting him loads and got a taxi the last bit to be quicker. I know this will be a long process and I am on shaky ground at the moment but I am trying!

Sorry - I know I was on the defensive there, but I really am genuinely trying to respect DH's needs and be there for him at the moment.

Honestly, OM hurt me anyway when he called time on the affair, so thinking of him as a cheat and a liar does make things easier in simple terms. I am not caught up with him ... obviously it's difficult to change my way of thinking after having been caught up thinking in unhealthy ways for so long, but I am really trying to refocus all my attention on DH and the family.

HH xx

I think it's pretty normal to go through phases of not desiring your partner, tbh. I'm really happily married but have gone through spells of that, and so has DH. You absolutely can get it back, in my experience. I have no doubt we'll go through those spells again, but at least now I know it's okay and will wax and wane.

This is a really hard time for your family, and I have no other advice to offer/experiences to share, but I really hope it works out for you and your DH, OP.

HH, I completely understand what you're saying about how difficult it is with him not trusting you. That train story is really familiar. I remember after I had an affair, when my dad was ill I kept wanting to go and visit them and stay over, but sometimes I felt it seemed suspicious, like I Was going over there all the time, so I probably held back a bit and didn't go to stay as much as I should have done. Out of guilt. Creating another kind of guilt.

I think it might be useful though for you to examine some of the language you use. It's really interesting you would present that as being 'hurt'. It's very masochistic/passive-aggressive. If you were really really honest with yourself, and us, it's actually just fucking annoying. It's incredibly annoying and exasperating to be actually telling someone the truth and sensing they don't believe you, it's incredibly annoying to feel immediately anxious or frightened when something unexpected happens in your day which makes you change plans, thinking how your partner might read it. It's a cage.

I think you might want to look at the part of yourself that places you as the victim of this, of being 'hurt' by his lack of trust. It is a consequence of what you did. That doesn't mean it's right or fair or even that you have to put up with it (you can fight or even leave). But I think you are not hurt by it. Own your uglier emotions a bit. WHat you've done has made your life worse to some extent and blaming yourself is irrelevant. It's okay to be pissed off. You just have to work out if these are consequences you can live with.

Ok, maybe 'hurt' was the wrong word to use ... I don't find it annoying though, but it does make me really anxious and insecure, like I can't convince DH that I am trustworthy. I know this is ironic as anxious and insecure is probably exactly how I made DH feel yesterday ...
I can live with these consequences, as I have already 100% decided that the alternative (leaving) is unthinkable and definitely NOT what I want to do.

Okay, let's look at that. This isn't criticism at all, HH. what you're going through is really hard and there's loads to untangle. There are no 'wrong' words. Take a breath and think about why you think there are any 'wrong' words. Who are you trying to be right for? Us on the internet? Fuck us. You? That's good that's important. Him? doesn't matter if it's right if it isn't honest.

Okay, so it makes you feel really anxious and insecure. Like you can't convince him. So essentially these are all expressions of powerlessness. It makes you feel out of control. And that makes you feel bad. So the problem is the control again. But maybe the solution to that isn't to try an gain more control, but to let go of it all together. To let go of that need. This is a big thing and not one I expect you to take on right now.

Also, you have 100% decided that you don't want to not stay with your husband.

Think about that. Think about what that says.

You are staying because you can't bear the alternative.

You want to stay because you don't like the alternative.

Please please don't look at these as criticisms of how you are handling, this OP, judgement is irrelevant. This is how people are. But I want you to notice that what you are hiding from is really really obvious in the words you are using. i'm not saying you actually don't love your husband, or that you shouldn't stay, at all. But, as with many people after an affair, you have made your decision based on the lesser of the evils available to you, not a positive thing you really WANT. This is going to make it hard for you emotionally and ultimately hard for him too. It leaves you vulnerable to future indiscretions (in order to test out other alternatives) and possibly will build resentment as you are further controlled and trapped by suspicions and guilt.

You're doing well, you're doing all the right things, but with great respect, I'm not sure you know yourself completely yet. And that's sort of where some stuff is going to begin. Your affair was actually probably a way of doing this, a test of who you are and your relationship. Have you ever had counselling? Sorry if you've said. You're in your 30s, right?

I'm trying to find the right words as in, the words that properly express what I'm feeling.
You are definitely right about the control - I do hate to feel powerless and out of control of a situation. I am at a loss as how to let go of control tbh as it is a habit that has built up over years!! It is my main coping strategy.
Yes, I am staying because I can't bear the alternative. It's really important to me to be a good mum, and do the best for our DC, and I really do believe (though I know a lot of people wouldn't share this) that it's better for our DC if DH and I stay together. One of the things I hated about myself during the affair was that it was eating away at my idea of what a good mum was, and showing me how far I had moved away from that.
I absolutely agree I don't know myself properly yet! If the affair was a test of who I am, then I failed it miserably by showing myself to be a really bad person.
I have had some online counselling through Relate during the affair, when I was becoming incredibly stressed and guilty.
Yes, I'm in my early 30s.

Okay, that makes total sense. That's a time when LOADS of women I know have done stuff like this. It's a really weird age, tipping from a certain kind of cultural power to another. Becoming mum more than party girl, fearing loss of desirability, loss of youth, yet still realising how empowered and much life there is left. Overwhelmed but under supported.

I would seriously consider you get some individual counseling, even just someone local you look up on BACP. Not because you seem damaged but because I think there's a lot of stuff you haven't looked at about yourself and I think it could really help with the kneejerk guilting and self-blaming which I think it genuine but is also a genuine way of hiding from real responsibility.

I don't think life was testing you with an affair. i think you were testing the strength of your relationship and your power and control as a woman. You are the agent. You are the subject. You are acting in this. When you keep using expressions like 'hurt' and 'tested' I suspect you are trying to control our and your perspective of you. This shouldn't make you feel guilty and hand-wringy, it should be inspiring. You can change all of these things.

I understand control if your main coping strategy. That's why I said I think it's too big a thing for you to take on right now. I'd suggest you real a book called 'When Things Fall Apart' by Pema Chodrin.

But one day you are going to have to see that your coping strategy is actually not helping you cope anymore, but causing some of this pain. You're relying on it so obviously and desperately now, trying to hold a family together, pushing with your iron will and terrified that something as small as a delayed train will make you lose control of your DH's perception of you. Adamant that your children won't grow up in a less than ideal environment if you have any power over it being held together. You are trying so so hard to control everything, do the right thing, say the right things. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? Have you ever thought that maybe everything properly, really falling apart in a way beyond your control might just be the best thing that could ever happen to you?

I have had everything fall apart in a way beyond my control twice in my life - once when my dad left my mum, once when OM cheated on me back in the day. Both these experiences were utterly devastating to me. I was living abroad at the time, had no support, was suffering panic attacks, felt absolutely awful ... I really don't see it as the best thing that ever happened to me!!
Yes, I am fighting hard to give my DC a good homelife and to be a good wife for DH ... but I can't just give up on this.
Having kids has shown me that I absolutely cannot control every element of life and that there are many things that will surprise me and unsettle me, and I can live with this. I am actually a lot less stressed now than before I had the kids and married DH - back then I was a nervous wreck!
I was testing my control in the affair, as I was aware in myself that I kept pushing OM to commit further, and to override any boundaries he had previously set. I guess I wanted to see how far I could push him. Ultimately though I didn't actually want him to leave his wife - I suppose it was just an exercise in control.
I will look into individual counselling as I am conscious myself that I need it. DH would like to believe I am depressed - he is trying to find an explanation for the affair. I don't think I'm depressed at all, but I clearly have unresolved issues that I need to examine now before life goes on - like you say, this is a weird stage!!

Very astute of you what you say about the affair being an exercise in control. Just realising that power and control are so central to your sense of self and how you relate to others is a huge realisation that will change you and help you, I'm sure.

I'm sorry about the experiences of chaos and grief you mention. And I do not think for a moment what you should do is explode your family, I'll say that absolutely. I think you have to be kind to yourself, and also be aware that some of the things you've mentioned make you vulnerable in the future to possible adventures/exercises in control/reactions to boredom.

He probably thinks you are depressed when actually you are grieving a lover, dealing with a reality that you had considered leaving becoming your full horizon again, and coping with a lot of the negative consequences of the affair. It's understandable you'd have trouble.

I'd also practise losing control a little though. Particularly with your DH. What would happen if you did tell him some things about you and OM? I know it would be hard, so hard you almost immediately want to shut down the possibility. But you are going to have to find new ways of being, and that might involve you ceding control and taking more emotional risks and letting him have a bit more power and intimacy with you, even if that's very painful for you both.

Starting to feel like I've lost a year of my life to this affair :( it wasn't physical till March but EA before that.
I just look at DD and DS and kick myself about all those precious moments I only half paid attention to. So much to make up for, and even more where DH is concerned.

Heard this morning I didn't get the job I interviewed for on Tues. Maybe a good thing as DH said last night he didn't like the idea of me travelling for work. So it's back to the drawing board as far as change of career is concerned! Trying to see that as a big opportunity!!

I'm sorry to heat you didn't get the job, HH. I hope your DH can find it in him to be supportive of you in the bad news.

Don't worry about losing a year. Think of it as learning a lesson. You have a whole life ahead of you! Enjoy your lovely kids.

Thank you :)

I had a sexy dream last night ... About DH!!!! This is massive progress!!

X

DH woke me up in the night last night, crying :( Couldn't tell me what's wrong but pretty obvious what was on his mind ...
I guess it's going to be one step forward, one step back for a while ...
X

Hi HH, just read your thread.

Yes, I think you do know deep down that it will actually take a long, long time for the scars to heal, how ever you behave towards your DH.

Speaking as someone who has been in a position similar to your DH, I can tell you that sometimes things will seem fine for a while and then the pain will randomly hit him again as he remembers the truth of what happened. Things that you might not even realise are at all significant may well be massive triggers to him - hearing the song that was playing shortly after he found out, seeing a stranger in the park with a similar hair colour and build to the OM, even the recurrence of the season in which he found out about the affair. Any/all of these things or similar may bring all the painful feelings he felt when he first found out flooding back.

I think all you can do if you really are sorry and genuinely want to make amends and give your relationship your best shot, is to just be there for him, for as long as it takes. If he still randomly gets really upset in say, 5 or 6 months' time, don't get exasperated and wonder why he isn't over it yet - instead be there for him, hold him, reassure him. In short do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. He will not be in control of the bad feelings hitting. Mine started to hit less and less after about 5 months, but even two years later I got the odd pang where I felt almost as bad as I did on the day I found out. You need to own your mistake and take responsibility for helping him to get through the (potentially long) aftermath.

Ultimately my relationship wasn't right and we ended up splitting, but I do think that would have happened anyway without the cheating (we were not married however).

Best of luck to you both in moving forward from this.

Thank you - it's really useful to have that insight. I know I can't really hope to make things 'right again' just like that, and maybe they never will be back to the way they were before. I guess it is early days as this was all only a month / 6 weeks ago.

Sometimes I don't know what affects DH or what his triggers are. I know that one thing that does worry him is seeing me using my phone, which is difficult as I want to keep in touch with (female) friends. I am trying to reassure him about this by passing on news and so on ...

He asked my yesterday evening if I was back in touch with OM. I was really surprised by this as I thought we'd had a lovely family day and I hadn't done / said anything to arouse suspicion. I think it was because I had been texting a friend though :( I showed him my phone and (I hope) reassured him.

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow, and then we're going away this coming weekend, so I hope that will be a good time to reconnect. I will have to have my phone on at the weekend as my sister will be looking after DC, but other than her I have made the resolution not to answer any texts / e-mails while we're together.

The phone thing is fairly common i think.

I would be a bit worried by your H reaction at this point. Has he still not asked you any questions about this yet ? Infidelity usually produces intense anger which is normal and healthy , i would be concerned he is not expressing this to you for whatever reason.