I'm in love with someone that isn't my DH...

[TotalNC]

I've NC'd for this so it's not linked to my usual account as I know DH knows my NN (and I'm usually happy for him to do this!) but I really need advice and help. Flame me, slap me, just help me please?

I love my DH. I do. We are great friends, we have a reasonable sex life (when our DC's permit - they are both toddlers and tend to get ill in rotation!) and while we do argue, it's always resolved reasonably simply. I can't imagine my life without him.

But... I'm in love with another man. Or rather I'm infatuated by another man. I've read on here about going NC, and if I could I would. But it's DH's brother.

I think I have always had a thing for him (there was a completely accidental walking in on him in the shower when I first met him due to a faulty lock), but we visited him three to four months ago to see the new house he had bought, and I just can't get him out of my head. And by that I mean I really can't. He's there when I wake, and won't leave during the day and I dream about him at night.

He's divorced, and a good few years younger than me, and has never been anything other than brotherly with me, and I am under no illusions that he would do anything either - he is very old fashioned in his outlook on relationships, so would never go for someone taken etc etc etc.

But, oh god, do I want him. I manufacture excuses to touch him, spend time with him when we visit and do all the stuff that from reading on here, I know I shouldn't do. I daydream about DH not being there so I could be with him (but the thought of DH not being there terrifies me in reality, so it's all a bit concerning!).

The reality is that I'm an overweight, rapidly approaching 40 year old woman who needs to get a grip... but I have no idea how. I tried backing off when I realised what I was doing, but that was really obvious and he came to check he hadn't annoyed me so I can't suddenly back off as it will be really obvious.

What the hell can I do? I want to be happy with DH and not think about BIL, but my treacherous brain won't let me.

Please, please help me!

Didnt want to read and run... but I have no advice... this is a situation that I fear, because I've been infatuated in the past before and its so bloody powerful....

The only way I know to get over it is to focus on the bad things about the person - try and be realistic about who they are etc. He's not this amazing perfect person... he probably has some really annoying habits that you couldn't possibly live with.

Time will help - it will wear off.... good luck.

Imagine him having a really messy dump.

Please get a grip!

Your situation is pathetic (really didn't want to say 'you'). Just imagine how your behaviour around brother in law may look - surely it is not unnoticable, it's sad... Have some respect for your whole family (including your children)! Please!

You need to back away. It's better that he thinks he's annoyed you than to give this any room to get worse.

And this is so much more than him not going for someone who is taken - you are his brother's wife! It would utterly destroy your family if you are even seen to have inappropriate feelings for him.

Take every thought captive - no daydreaming or fantasising.

I'm not sure how you need to tackle this, but you really have to. I would suggest confiding in someone you trust in real life - and then watch their face. If you cannot face confiding in someone in real life - ask yourself why that is.

There is so much to wreck here and so very little to gain.

Your BIL is probably getting a little bit of a kick out of it. Flirting and knowing someone finds you attractive can be fun. I hope he doesn't know quite what a fantasy you have created though.

I did not have the same situation as you - but it wasn't far off. I wish someone had been completely forthright with me and told me what a selfish, thoughtless, immature idiot I was being. Perhaps I would not have listened, I don't know. I certainly have regrets.

I don't know you - but you are being a selfish, thoughtless, immature idiot. I truly hope that helps.

why do you have to see him so often, does he live in the same place? just try to space out visits, make up excuses but not so often that it's a drastic change. I had something similar though not to this degree (also relative of exH), I really stopped fantasising when he's got a new gf and then married/had dc, and also when I started fancying someone else once separated from H.
I think it's his availability that's helping your fantasies, especially if he's nice to you (same as in my situation in the past). It will pass, in my case took maybe a year or two but we didn't meet this often. CAn you maybe join some class or get some hobby so that you have a legit excuse for having less spare time/fewer visits?

OP
you seem a bit bored and lacking of excitement with seemingly extra time on your hands.
so do something interesting!
get a hobby or start an exercise routine.
anything that keeps you and your mind occupied with something positive and useful!

but most of all make time to spend with your DH, reconnect with him.
go on date nights.
hug him
talk with him
daydream with him
remember that you love him

Okay, thank you all for responding. I am very well aware that this is pathetic and I need to get a grip, but I have no idea how to get a grip!

We don't see him that often; as I say it was three to four months ago I last saw him. When we do see him, it is a family trip so I can't not go IYSWIM.

I don't think BIL has any clue, it's not flirting exactly, it's just trying to spend time with him, and talk to him about anything. The touching is more doing things like passing one of my toddlers to him to carry and brushing him as I do so - so not like grabbing him at random points.

And now I know I'm doing it, I've been trying to back off, but I don't know how to do that without making it obvious why as I'm fairly certain he'd be horrified if he knew; I am not exactly a "catch" so he would have no reason to be interested, and while I daydream I don't really know if I want him interested IYSWIM as it would be such a disaster.

I think the daydreaming may be due to the fact that he is safe in that I know I can't have him; but it is affecting me day to day.

Fuck, it's such a mess in my head right now.

I feel for you. Truly.

Imagine if he tried it on with you... the reality is you'd probably FREAK. I would hope. That's what happened in my situation years and years ago... 'harmless' flirting and the like is, quite often, a HUGE mistake.

I hope you can refocus on giving your DH the affection and attention he should be getting, rather than concentrating on your BIL. It will eat away at your relationship, it will. And thats just not fair on your DH. Or you, really.

Your BIL?! For goodness sakes!! Think of your poor DH, how would he feel if he found out? Imagine you found out he was infatuated with your sister?

You are going down a very dodgy path, you are not a 16year old school girl!!

I think you need to concentrate on your marriage and when thoughts of your BIL enter your head you distract (slap) yourself. Think about the long term damage - not necessarily about it going any further but about your DH realising you have a crush on his brother, you could damage their relationship.

You can absolutely stop daydreaming about him, so stop it. This could be coming from dissatisfaction with DH, in which case you could try to identify what it is that you think your DH is lacking that BIL has, so you can work on that. Or it could be sexual frustration, in which case have more sex with your DH. Or it could be an identity or self esteem crisis, so join a gym, get a haircut, stop seeing yourself as a frumpy 40 year old. Or you could just be bored - get a hobby. Start a part time degree. Anything to occupy your mind.

I never think the slapping about on these sorts of threads is remotely useful TBH.

OP, google limerence and have a read. There is (IME) a way to tread a middle path that involves accepting that you feel like this, these are feelings, on an emotional level they are valid etc etc, but also accept the reality that they are intrusive on real-world interaction, they don't proceed from it. They are wholly internally manufactured - you are basically prompting your brain to spurt fabulous chemicals at you when you allow yourself to think about him, and of course it feels good. Your feelings are undoubtedly leading you to have an unrealistic picture of your BIL, and weirdly they may be leading you to be less appreciative of him - an experience of this kind tends to lead to you caring more about your own feelings than the recipient, which is bonkers when you think about it. But like all brain activity, you can change your habitual pathways with practice. And you should be motivated to because it will lead to you being more engaged in real relationships in the real world - and I include your relationship with your BIL in that.

And by the way if you are a remotely thoughtful and intuitive person, you will probably find that identifying emotional/intellectual shortcomings in your BIL is far more useful than envisaging him taking a dump etc.

I doubt this is about BIL at all, it sounds like a displacement fantasy/obsession. Are you using this fixation to avoid negative feelings/thoughts? Maybe underneath you're feeling a bit low.

In which case the answer is not so much trying to stem the thoughts about him, but to figure out what has caused them on a deeper level. You need to sort out your relationship with yourself.

I agree with all Ehric & UnitedZing's suggestions.

MadBusLady Limerance is exactly describing what I'm feeling, and weirdly it's making me feel better knowing that there is a biological reason for doing what I'm doing and that I can overcome it.

Unfortunately, I am well aware of BIL's shortcomings and I do dwell on them to get over the daydreaming. However, if I am being blatantly honest, he and I are probably more compatible in terms of personality and interest that DH and I are - and I think that's part of the issue.

If I met both of them in the pub now then it would be to BIL I'd gravitate, albeit that DH is my best friend. I know that sound like me trying to justify things, and maybe I am, but it's also the truth. DH and I don't have much in common - instead we tend to balance each other IYSWIM; he likes classical music while I like thrash metal, he does art/foreign films while I do blockbusters.

Twinklestein I probably am feeling very low. I don't think I'm depressed (been there, bought the t-shirt!) but I am a bit blue about my general health and body shape. I know I need to address this, but life just keeps getting in the way; for example I decide to start swimming, then one of the kids gets ill, then the other one and then I'm ill and then DH is ill and before I know it, a whole month has passed.

I'm going to do some more reading on limerance, and also take the advice of others which is to do more with DH and try to move the feelings to him.

If anyone does come across a feelings switch though, can you let me know?

Forget swimming, it's far too much hassle with kids, I've tried. I bought a treadmill because you can fit it in around your schedule, plus you can watch TV at the same time!

I don't think this is just about body image, although feeling trim is always good for confidence. Maybe you need to get a part time job (if possible) to get you out of the 'mum' rut, focus on developing interests & connecting with people who share them...

How is your general health?

I have a part time job, which is actually quite stressful for a variety of reasons. Technically it's a full time job, but they're only paying me part time hours, but then they're letting me work from home, so it's all a bit crap. No support from family other than DH, so I deal with most of the crap from the kids being ill.

My health quite frankly sucks. Nothing major wrong with me, but a lot of low level niggles. For example, I'm anaemic but iron tablets make me ill, so I'm trying diet stuff, but it isn't working. I have joint/knee issues which means that home exercise doesn't work; swimming is really the only thing I can do that doesn't cause me pain - but you're right when you say that it's a hassle!

I don't deal well with people. I was badly bullied (mental not physical) at school as a child so I assume the worst of everyone and I still assume that what I was told as a child is true; so I'm ugly, fat (this is true sadly), worthless and a waste of space that no one wants to be friends with. Sadly, it also seems like if I do put myself out and make friends, if I stop chasing up people to meet up, then I don't hear from them again.

So yep, there is probably more to all this that just my "feelings" for BIL, but right now, I need to stop these before I do irreparable damage to DH & I, and the wider family.

I also think that acceptance is the key, I have been like this all my life, through every relationship, when I have been single, always.

I have come to accept that this is just how I am, on the very few occasions that I have acted on these infatuations I have always hugely regretted it. Now that I am very settled with children I could no more act on one than fly to the moon, but it doesn't stop them coming.

Try and cut out the overt phsical stuff, without being distant and just accept the thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, neither damaging or particually helpful. Just there.

Like everything it will pass.

You sound a bit bored,
Your DH should flirt or talk about another woman to bring you back in check.

Ok - so now you're getting to the nub of what's causing this.

You're working full time, looking after two toddlers with no help - & you're only getting paid for part time work. No wonder you're feeling down! I would be zoning out of my life too! It's too much.

The fantasies about BiL, the anaemia are showing you that your life is out of balance.

I think you need to take control of your life & say that this is too much. Maybe consider looking for other work, part time hours? If you're only being paid for part time you're not going to lose out financially. Could afford a bit of help with childcare or with the house?

I'm really sorry to hear about your issues related to being bullied. Have you had proper counselling to deal with this? Low self esteem causes all kinds of emotional consequences - and it may that your BiL fantasy is a sort of addiction - to thoughts rather than a physical drug.. An opiate..

You know that your husband & your kids love you right? And no matter what twats said at school you're lovely.

On a more practical level, I have been borderline anaemic & iron tablets didn't work for me. You say you're trying to address it with diet. What worked for me was Spirulina, liquid iron, & increased iron in my diet - such as lamb (I don't usually eat red meat).

the other things is as you are approaching 40 (like me) you maybe thinking about lost opportunities and regrets and you are trying to make up for those negative feelings about the past by creating the idea of something new and exciting in your mind.

kind of mid-life crisis warning sign IYSWIM.

escaping from your true feelings and living in a fantasy world is not going to work. and destroying your life and those closest to you by possibly making the wrong steps is just not worth it.

your past is what it is. identify what things that you feel bad about and either forgive & forget or improve what you can. talk to you DH about feeling down or disappointed or regretful, I'm sure he'll want to help you!

soory - kind of x-post, I hadn't caught up with thread since my last post.

I'l admit to not having read every response - but my take of it:

Your DH has been lumped into the 'frustrations' box. i.e. the things that are making you feel less whole.
You're doing escapism. basically you've latched on to your BIL because you've seen him in a sexual moment and he is the the thing that you can't have. So when ever the realities of the every day hit - you escape to that visual and him.

I can bet you anything, head thrashing, cool brother in law would be no better a partner with the DC and the every day, mundane world. Infact you'd probably be daydreaming about DH if the roles where reversed. (DH would be different and exciting - opposites attract blah blah).

You're a prime candidate for an affair.

Only one question you have to ask yourself: do you want this life with your DH. if not end it. he's probably getting scraps in bed and half hearted answers already. Pity really.

I don't know what others think about this idea, but would it help to walk through the results of you acting on these impluses. Imagine your husband's reaction, the breakdown of your marriage, the effect on your children, explaining things to your family, your husband's family... your life now that you are on your own and ostracised from half of your children's family.

My health quite frankly sucks. Nothing major wrong with me, but a lot of low level niggles.

(I'm afraid I read that as "low level nipples").

its will pass, really. just avoid seeing him. its a crush

and, invest in some therapy. its really worth it OP

go when you are doing all this extra workyou are not being paid for x