I'm in love with someone that isn't my DH...

[TotalNC]

I've NC'd for this so it's not linked to my usual account as I know DH knows my NN (and I'm usually happy for him to do this!) but I really need advice and help. Flame me, slap me, just help me please?

I love my DH. I do. We are great friends, we have a reasonable sex life (when our DC's permit - they are both toddlers and tend to get ill in rotation!) and while we do argue, it's always resolved reasonably simply. I can't imagine my life without him.

But... I'm in love with another man. Or rather I'm infatuated by another man. I've read on here about going NC, and if I could I would. But it's DH's brother.

I think I have always had a thing for him (there was a completely accidental walking in on him in the shower when I first met him due to a faulty lock), but we visited him three to four months ago to see the new house he had bought, and I just can't get him out of my head. And by that I mean I really can't. He's there when I wake, and won't leave during the day and I dream about him at night.

He's divorced, and a good few years younger than me, and has never been anything other than brotherly with me, and I am under no illusions that he would do anything either - he is very old fashioned in his outlook on relationships, so would never go for someone taken etc etc etc.

But, oh god, do I want him. I manufacture excuses to touch him, spend time with him when we visit and do all the stuff that from reading on here, I know I shouldn't do. I daydream about DH not being there so I could be with him (but the thought of DH not being there terrifies me in reality, so it's all a bit concerning!).

The reality is that I'm an overweight, rapidly approaching 40 year old woman who needs to get a grip... but I have no idea how. I tried backing off when I realised what I was doing, but that was really obvious and he came to check he hadn't annoyed me so I can't suddenly back off as it will be really obvious.

What the hell can I do? I want to be happy with DH and not think about BIL, but my treacherous brain won't let me.

Please, please help me!

Vivacia I think thats part of the problem. it's like a cheater- they actually want to be caught - and OP actually wants the cycle that she is in to stop.

So oddly in a mixed up way - her acting out would accomplish it. she would get a high, they would separate and she may end up with someone who she at least gets the goose bumps for.

the grass is greener elsewhere - whatever the consequences. is at the heart of it. IMHO

I honestly don't think you should beat yourself up. You haven't done anything, you say you WOULDNT do anything. They are just feeling, fantasies, thoughts. You aren't hurting anyone and seem very clear about the fact that it wont actually go anywhere.

I don't think you are pathetic. Its fun to fancy people. And Im sure that's all it is. If BIL and your DH were in a burning building who would you rescue first? DH right? That's because you are in love with him. Don't worry too much.

Oh god you don't need fucking therapy!!!

Vivacia I think thats part of the problem. it's like a cheater- they actually want to be caught - and OP actually wants the cycle that she is in to stop.

I'm not so sure, she says she doesn't want to act on her thoughts, she just wants the thoughts to stop.

Try a mindfulness course www.bemindfulonline.com/

GoodTouchBadTouch

read her other post, lets agree to disagee huh

Have you fixated on him because you have easy access to him, rather than some guy at work or wherever?

From your description of yourself you seem to dislike who you are- fat and almost 40- and stressed with home and work.

And then there is a man on the horizon who you set your cap at (as my mum used to say) in the hope he might notice and you'll get some kind of positive feedback to boost your self esteem and confidence which is sorely lacking?

You need to sort out YOU- tackle the weight, the work, the responsibilities at home etc.

Then this fixation will fall into place.

And imagine if it helps the look of horror on his face if he twigs that you have a serious crush- if this was out of the bag you'd look a fool and how would that feel?

have some

It's just a crush. Don't sweat it. Without wanting to be crass, I'd "enjoy" the thoughts about him when I was alone! And get on with your real life in the meantime. These things always pass, you love your DH and have a nice life with him and a crush doesn't threaten that. I have a little crush at the moment, tis most enjoyable! My DH is always the one though.

Getting rid of unwanted thoughts is difficult. You need to block them out whenever they start to creep in. You could imagine a huge red STOP sign across your brain, or wear a rubberband on your wrist and ping it whenever you start thinking about him. It takes a long time to fade but you can do it! Mindfulness training is good too. Try the Mood Gym or LivingLifetotheFull.com for online programmes.

I admire you OP. I fell into this trap at 50 and blew my life apart. I am happy now but at great cost to everybody I care about. Don't do that!

lemondrizzled can you elaborate on what happened to you? I'm 50 and really worried about some aspects of my thought processes right now

I know someone who got caught in EXACTLY this situation - and followed through on it. 2 yrs on the family is smashed, not just husband/wife/DCs, but also the DH brother's family, and the parents and relatives on both sides. You just CAN'T do this. There are too many people on all sides with vested interested in ALL the people involved. It's not just a potential affair, it's a nuclear bomb affair that no -one will recover from. Do anything you can to knock it on the head. Move to Australia. Anything.

TotalNC you have my complete sympathy. It is impossible to tell yourself to stop thinking thoughts. It doesn't work. The reason you are obsessed with him is because you need to be in love, that glorious idealised state that triggers off so many positive brain chemicals. Even the pain and guilt is addictive, it's a big romantic drama - the complete opposite to what your real life is at the moment. It will fade, sweetheart, although it feels like the realest thing in your life at the moment. It will run its course. You have done nothing wrong. Choose carefully and, if you can, tell one RL friend, that helps, but don't tell anyone who is moralistic and judgemental. Counselling, if you can afford it, could really help. A space to look at your more passionate side and your unmet needs. Having a hero figure can make you feel inadequate so a chance to explore self-critical thoughts and insecurities. You haven't chosen to be in love, but you can choose how to deal with it and you can grow stronger and know yourself better through it. In this respect unrequited love can even be a gift.

Here's a theory:

There's nothing wrong with having fantasies or even with daydreaming a lot when life is tough/dull/dreary. The problem here is that your daydreams run a bit too close to reality. So instead of stopping daydreaming, could you try to redirect them?

Wake up and go to sleep thinking about Benedict Cumberpatch as Sherlock, Richard Armitage in Spooks or the young Paul Newman. Hell, think about Harry Styles or the Reverend Adam Smallbone or Barack Obama or Jennifer Lawrence. Just choose someone either fictional or completely unattainable and then you can get the happy thrills of thinking about them without wrecking your marriage.

Part of the reason this is an interesting thread to me is that some posters have very clearly had this experience and some equally clearly haven't. To be able to have a crush that's happy, a thrill, a bit of fun to put a spring in your step - even better, that's transferable to celebrities. That would be great.

I don't think you need therapy or anything, look at the facts - he's your husband's brother, so he's like your husband (the guy ou love and married), but without all the dull day-to-day bits and harsh reality of kids etc. so in your head, he's like the more thrilling version of your husband. Rest assured, if you were married to him instead, he'd be just as mundane! Cling to that knowledge! And I second the tactic of trying to reconnect with your husband - give him a chance, go on dates etc. and DO the things you'd like to do with his brother, with him, and see what happens!

Well, the feelings are still going. I've decided pull back in terms of emails, texts and phone calls and let him get on with things.

I'm not going NC - that would be a more difficult one to explain to everyone but I won't initiate things; if he texts me (rare, and usually for a reason) then I will be my normal self, but I won't text him for no reason.

I'm hoping that absence will make the heart harden, and that this "crush" can be redirected to a more suitable source that I know there is no chance with IYSWIM so that I can redirect my energies to my DH.

Thank you to all that gave advice.