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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help (defo not a troll)

30 replies

Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 11:21

Hey guys was wondering if someone could help me?

I've been with my husband 18 years married 8 next month, have 3 kids 17,14,8

I've always been on facebook but my husband joined about 12-13 weeks ago! He's found all school friends and he was chatting to a old female friend on his wall, well I got so jealous and had a huge argument, I realise I was being stupid was me just being an arse! But since then I started basically stalking him (I know his password)
One night I went on his fb and seen he had added an ex gf (at least 19 years ago) so I unfriended it right away and the following day had another huge row! I felt hurt angry sad jealous then guilt! Since then it's played on my mind constantly I'm a wreck and its not like me at all I'm so laid back and never been jealous before, my husband is so apologetic but then I feel guilty as really I think it's wrong to add exes that's my opinion but he should be able to do what he wants,

I made an appointment for the docs today and they are going to check my thyroid and for menapause as my mum went through it early! I'm hoping its something and I'm not a raving lunatic!

Please be gentle I'm quite teary todayHmm

OP posts:
alsteff · 13/08/2013 16:04

Hi, I had a similar situation recently but in reverse - I discovered that DP had 'blocked' 15 of my male friends on fb. To be honest I didn't even know you could 'block' people until one of these old friends and I had a discussion about it as he was convinced I had 'unfriended' (not blocked) him. Anyway, out of these 15 people there was one guy who I did go out with for about a year, over twenty years ago, but we have been friends since I was 11yrs (now 46yrs). Obviously, I was furious to discover that this had been done to me, particularly because, the past year has been a tough one and I have needed my FRIENDS more than ever and I couldn't understand how someone who says they 'love' me would want to remove friends from my life, regardless of whether they were male or female. However, I have to say that unlike you, DP has not owned up to it, despite the fact that he is obviously guilty, nor has he apologized and the idea of him seeking any kind of help is out of the question. So, I haven't really forgiven him but if the tables were turned i would forgive you. And you should forgive yourself we all act strangely at times and the important thing is to reflect on why and try to work it out. Also, regarding this 'ex' of mine who was on the list, I can't even remember what it was like going out with or being intimate with him, all I know is that he is one of my oldest mates. Hope this helps in some kind of role reversal weird way!! x

PedantMarina · 13/08/2013 16:23

I know this isn't AIBU, but YABU. Your behaviour is bordering on obsessive and if I were your husband I'd be seriously wondering what kind of a future we had.

My now-ex was always suspicious: pulling stunts very much like this (pre-FB days, though), disparaging my friendships in general and definitely with anybody who happened to be other gender, etc.

Guess what: note the "ex-" above.

Do NOT do this to yourself (or your DH, for that matter, but we're here to help you). There are thousands of posters in Relationships who have genuine reasons to worry, and this doesn't sound like one of them, given what you've written.

Look, on a more practical note, if DH wanted to stray, he could do it with a.n.random woman as easily as an ex.

So please, step away from the Facebook, citizen. Brew

alsteff · 13/08/2013 17:54

Pedantmarina - what's AIBU / YABU? ta

VodkaJelly · 13/08/2013 18:07

Am I Being Unreasonable / You Are Being Unreasonable

AIBU is one of the forums on here.

DistanceCall · 13/08/2013 18:15

No, it's not your thyroid or the menopause. You're insecure. You should talk to someone about that. As PedantMarina says, if your husband wanted to cheat, he wouldn't need FaceBook to do that - are you going to forbid him to talk to women?

HotCrossPun · 13/08/2013 18:20

Why have you felt the need to state you are not a troll in your thread title?

Your behaviour is ridiculous.

alsteff · 13/08/2013 18:21

vodkajelly - ta - obvious now!!

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 18:25

FYI, trolls often start their threads with "hey guys" and "I am not a troll"

1 in the Troll handbook

HTH

Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 18:45

Thanks for the replies!

I know it's really stupid and I agree with everyone, it's just getting me down as I'm never like this! I'm normally so happy bubbly and really normally don't give a damn!

I only mentioned the troll as that's all I seem this morning about trolls and being new thought someone would be smart Hmm

OP posts:
fifi669 · 13/08/2013 18:46

I still talk to my exes on occasion, on Facebook mostly. Nothing going on. I enjoyed their company once and like to keep in touch. That's it. DP has loads of female friends on his Facebook. Sometimes you can get a twinge of and who is she exactly? But blocking/unfriending is going a bit far! Do you not have guys on yours too?

Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 18:49

That's the thing I have spoke to guys on it! And I know it's selfish, I don't know if its because when we first got together shes all he went on about, his first love devastated she broke up with him etc! I don't know like I said I know it's silly stupid pathetic but can't help my feelings Confused

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 13/08/2013 20:43

You can't help your feelings, but you can help your actions. Cut. It. Out.

DistanceCall · 13/08/2013 20:44

Also, you realise that it's exactly this kind of behaviour that will make him consider other women?

cantsleep · 13/08/2013 20:49

Troll or not, I can sympathise as I have had times I've done silly things similar to this before.

I know I have a jealousy problem though that is a bit out of hand. If you can stop yourself behaving like this then please do as it destroys relationships. I can see it destroying mine Sad

Go to dr by all means about menopause/thyroid but if they are all ok then get some help about any jealousy issues you have. The sooner the better.

Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 21:20

Would a doctor help with jealousy issues if its not medically related?

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 13/08/2013 21:32

What prompted him to join 12 weeks ago ?

Also if she is writing on his wall it can be seen by everyone so it's not the same as secretive messaging.

Yabu but you know that Smile and he has every right to add whatever friends he wants, as do you. I have exes, old fuck buddies and all sorts on mine , if my dp tried to control my friends I would be furious.

Does your husband have form for cheating or unacceptable behaviour? Do you have any reason to suspect infidelity?

Portofino · 13/08/2013 21:39

DistanceCall, why would Op being jealous mean her Dh will consider other women? Hmm I totally agree it is not normal behaviour, but implying that her having an issue with it will lead him to an affair is leaping a bit.

Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 21:41

I have no reason to be jealous at all,he's never ever gave me reason to be jealous! That's why it's all strange to me too Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 21:43

Sorry, he wanted to join as everyone else seemed to be on it but before he thought fb was for sad acts!!

OP posts:
Portofino · 13/08/2013 21:43

Weelady, unless you have other reasons to suspect him of no good, you really need to calm down. Menopause can cause extra anxiety and stress so worth getting checked. I was devastated when my first love dumped me - about 25 years ago, but I have him as a FB friend, looked him up out of curiosity. Along with many old friends, male and female. It is what FB is FOR.

onetiredmummy · 13/08/2013 21:45

Apart from the jealousy are you having any other strong emotional reactions to things that previously wouldn't have bothered you ? Any physical symptoms as well?

Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 21:47

I know everything your saying is true that's when the guilt kicks in, it's like a bloody vicious circle in my head!

We've both came off fb until I get my head sorted again feel guilty about him coming off fb!

OP posts:
Portofino · 13/08/2013 21:51

Also remember that FB is very good at suggesting people you may know, especially more recently. If he has only just joined he could be bombarded with friend requests from old school and work friends and suggestions for people he may know. Quite a heady feeling probably, catching up with people from donkeys years back. Doesn't mean he suddenly wants to dump you for Carol who he snogged back in 1986 or whatever. (((Hugs)))

cantsleep · 13/08/2013 21:52

I think if you went to a doctor purely about feeling very jealous they could refer for cbt or counselling which may help.

Original poster
Weelady77 · 13/08/2013 21:54

I'm having jealousy guilt hurt anxious that awful knot in my stomach never ate for 4 days,

I'm having hot flushes (on/off over last year) sweaty, wakening during the night, itchy skin (again on off over last year) vaginal soreness/dryness comes and goes

All those symptoms I can deal with mentally I can't as I'm normally so strong and can normally take the whole world on my shoulders,
We've been through so much the last 8 years and I'm maybe scared to lose him?

OP posts: