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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he a 'hands off dad?

42 replies

sillybilly10 · 13/08/2013 08:44

I'm just canvassing opinions as I'm really not sure what's normal or not. DS was born last year after years of trying so he was v longed for but since he was born DH doesn't do anything for/with him. I know the first year is repetitive, tedious and frustrating but I feel I am effectively a lone parent living in a house with a lodger.
DH doesn't do nappies, bath time, dressing, feeding, cleaning up after, overnight wake ups, early mornings or nursery runs. He still spends his weekends lying in bed until about 10/11ish then watches films or plays on his computer. I am up with DS anytime from half 5 onwards, at soft play, the park or playing. He often doesn't come out for weekend outings and stays in doing his own thing. On a weekday he gets up after I have left for nursery and my work. He goes to the pub most nights after work and comes home after DS's bedtime, gets his tea from the oven and then does his own thing again. He won't let DS stay out at grandparents so I have never had a night/morning off in 16 months. He does love DS very much and will play with him now and then for an hour or so if I ask but brings him to me if he needs changing or cries a lot or if DH simply gets bored or tired. He has taken him to the park once too.
I knew when we married that he did nothing (I mean exactly that- nothing) domestically. He doesn't do anything in the garden, with the upkeep of the house, cook, clean, tidy, put the bins out or do laundry- nothing. I am an amazing housekeeper and at the time I had low self esteem so even though I worked full time I just accepted it. Now there is a baby and I've since had some really effective counselling so my self esteem is much better.
I have asked him to help out and make a rota but he said I could have as many rotas as I liked in a flat of my own as long as it was on the rota that I came to his house and cleaned up after him and DS (he says he will always live with him if we part). I asked for help another time and he said that if that meant him emptying the dishwasher a few times then it simply wasn't going to happen. I work 3 days since DS was born but I've since increased it to 4 days after comments from DH about him working all the time to bring in all the money. What is normal?

OP posts:
TheFunStopsHere · 13/08/2013 08:48

Normal doesn't even enter into it.
He sounds dreadful. You sound unhappy (rightfully) and more than capable of managing a much better life for you and your son without him. He can do his hour of play with his son occasionally without having you wait on him.
Why are you staying with him?

ArgyMargy · 13/08/2013 08:49

He is a twat.

TheFunStopsHere · 13/08/2013 08:50

Oh and his threats re who would get custody are empty based on what you've described. Confide in some family or friends and see a lawyer.

DeckSwabber · 13/08/2013 08:50

He sounds like a treasure.

purplewithred · 13/08/2013 08:50

I am completely Shock Shock Shock
Why are you with this horrible man who treats you like a slave? What are you getting from this relationship?

DS was longed for by who? Him? really?
whatever normal is THIS IS NOT NORMAL
THIS IS APPALLING

boomoohoo · 13/08/2013 08:51

He sounds like a misogynistic arse.

I hope you realise that if you did part, you would owe him absolutely nothing, especially going to clean up after him?

He sounds very controlling, are you scared of what he might do?

waltzingmathilda · 13/08/2013 08:51

You really need to ask? Exactly what are you getting from this relationship?

I never LTB but I wouldnt even have married a lazy git like that much less had a baby with him.

He's not going to change. And he cant decided he's keeping the baby either.

Pack your bags and leave now would be my advice.

thismousebites · 13/08/2013 08:51

My jaw was on the floor as I read through this post.
My DH was pretty much the same but not quite as boastful about the fact as your DH is. He is now my ex doing his own cleaning and cooking.
LTB. Is the only advice I can give I'm afraid as he is coming across as a shit of the first water.
And if you won't listen to me there will be a hell of a lot Mir MNers along soon who will tell you the same, sorry.Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2013 08:53

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

None of this is normal, none of it. I would argue as well that your self esteem is still through the floor, your H has done nothing and still does nothing at home. You're still his housekeeper.

Why on earth would DS live with him if you were to part?. This is often said by emotionally abusive men to keep their victims in their place. He knows your weak spot and has and will exploit it for all its worth.

Pinkpinot · 13/08/2013 08:54

That's quite shocking, and this thread caught my attention because my H isn't really a hands on dad
But he would never flat out refuse to help if I asked
He is holding the threat of taking ds over you, but if he's never changed a nappy, how is he going to manage that

Leave him, take your child and run far away

CakesAreNotTheAnswer · 13/08/2013 08:55

Another one saying that this is not normal abd there is no way he'd get custody. nor would he really want custody based on what you've said, he's just pushing your buttons so you won't leave because then he'd need to pay a cleaner, housekeeper and (presumably) prostitute for the services you offer for free.

gather up that hard won self esteem of yours and kick him out x

NothingsLeft · 13/08/2013 09:02

Definitely not normal. He sound awful, lazy and abusive. You can't find him attractive surely.

dancemom · 13/08/2013 09:02

He's not a hands off dad, he is no type of father at all! I would leave before your ds is old enough to notice your dynamics and accept them as normal - do you want your son to be raised in a household (would say family but you are not a family) where this treatment of you both is acceptable?

purplewithred · 13/08/2013 09:03

Namechange too - from silly billy to KICKASSWONDERWOMAN or another name that reminds you you are FABULOUS and amazing.

Mixxy · 13/08/2013 09:03

Hands off Dad and full on wanker.

A court would leave your baby with this moron who 'doesn't do nappy changes, bathing or taking tje child out".

I'd ring a lawyer first, then a doctor for the man who is clearly deluded.

How is your MIL, btw?

7to25 · 13/08/2013 09:06

Amidst all the crap the fact that he "doesn't allow" the baby to be overnight with the GPs stood out.
Lazy I get, but why is he boss?

Exhaustipated · 13/08/2013 09:06

I don't think I have ever typed this on MN but I think you really need to LTB.

I'm glad your self esteem is higher, but you really really really need to get out of this situation if you are serious about caring for yourself. From what your post described, your DH adds nothing to your life, except making you worry about losing your son (which sounds unlikely in the extreme based on what you've said). Maybe you could go back to your counsellor and ask for support in getting you through the seperation.

You deserve so much better, and your 'D'H deserves to clean up after himself. Every. Day.

TheGinLushMinion · 13/08/2013 09:16

Where did you find this treasure??? More to the point why would you long for a child with a twat who clearly hasn't moved on from that stage himself.

LTB, it really is that simple.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2013 09:21

Also we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, did they also teach you some very screwed up lessons?. It may well be why you married someone like your H, he could well be a carbon copy or very similar to them.

Original poster
sillybilly10 · 13/08/2013 09:28

Thanks for the advice everyone. And Mixxy, yes, as you have probably predicted the MIL has taught him to behave this way as his father is exactly that same and she does everything for him. She did everything for DH too before I came along. She went to his house every week to do it all. She hasn't taught him any independent living skills at all. MIL tells me that all his fine as it's just the way men are. Thing is, she didn't work. I am educated to post graduate level and have a great career (was blossoming until DS born and all this happened, but it will develop again).
I have only mentioned the domestic side of things as that's the only bit I am confused about with regards to leaving and I just wanted some views on that in particular. There's also a lot of verbal abuse, threats to take DS away from me forever and aggression in terms of breaking things around the house. But I'm very clear on that and I've been to see a lawyer already but just need to make absolutely sure that I am doing the right thing. My family and friends know and are supportive of me but I just don't want my son blaming/hating me in the future for creating a lone parent family for him. I know that DH will make any divorce very messy and very expensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillybilly10 · 13/08/2013 09:32

Attila, yes, my parents were pretty screwed up and spent the best part of 20 years getting divorced and battling over us kids. They involved us in it a lot and used us a weapons against each other.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2013 09:36

You will absolutely be doing the right thing in leaving this man.

Such emotionally abusive men are not above using the child as weapons against the mother, he will undoubtedly make any separation difficult for you but you seemingly get nothing out of this relationship anyway. You did not answer that question anyway so I assume you get nothing from this relationship.

(I would never enter mediation either with him due to his abuse of you).

His mother taught him some extremely damaging lessons on life and relationships and damaged him as a result by doing everything possible for him. Its no real surprised therefore he is as messed up as he is (my mother though not quite as extreme as your MIL has also done similar re my brother and does a lot of chores for him in his house even now in his 40s).

It is NOT your fault he is like this but your son will not thank you for remaining with his dad if you were to choose to. He will just learn a similar type of dysfunction as his Dad has, what do you want to teach your child too about relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2013 09:39

Was not at all surprised either to see that your own parents relationship and subsequent divorce were both stormy.

Your H wants to do the same to you now as your parents did with you i.e use his child as a weapon against you.

I do not think your H has any concept of what love means to be honest with you.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 13/08/2013 09:40

Do you earn a lot more than him? Don't be cowed by the idea that divorce will be messy and expensive. He will not just get to dictate everything like he does in your house. Oh, and his threat that DS will always live with him is laughable. No court would even entertain it for such a useless father. Get out asap!

dancemom · 13/08/2013 09:43

Op I left ex when dd was very young because I didn't want her raised in an environment where aggression was a daily thing. When she was younger she used to ask why her father and I didn't live together but lately she has told me she is glad he doesn't live with us and is happy its just us - you are doing the best for your ds and one day he will understand that.

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