Is he a 'hands off dad?

[sillybilly10]

I'm just canvassing opinions as I'm really not sure what's normal or not. DS was born last year after years of trying so he was v longed for but since he was born DH doesn't do anything for/with him. I know the first year is repetitive, tedious and frustrating but I feel I am effectively a lone parent living in a house with a lodger.
DH doesn't do nappies, bath time, dressing, feeding, cleaning up after, overnight wake ups, early mornings or nursery runs. He still spends his weekends lying in bed until about 10/11ish then watches films or plays on his computer. I am up with DS anytime from half 5 onwards, at soft play, the park or playing. He often doesn't come out for weekend outings and stays in doing his own thing. On a weekday he gets up after I have left for nursery and my work. He goes to the pub most nights after work and comes home after DS's bedtime, gets his tea from the oven and then does his own thing again. He won't let DS stay out at grandparents so I have never had a night/morning off in 16 months. He does love DS very much and will play with him now and then for an hour or so if I ask but brings him to me if he needs changing or cries a lot or if DH simply gets bored or tired. He has taken him to the park once too.
I knew when we married that he did nothing (I mean exactly that- nothing) domestically. He doesn't do anything in the garden, with the upkeep of the house, cook, clean, tidy, put the bins out or do laundry- nothing. I am an amazing housekeeper and at the time I had low self esteem so even though I worked full time I just accepted it. Now there is a baby and I've since had some really effective counselling so my self esteem is much better.
I have asked him to help out and make a rota but he said I could have as many rotas as I liked in a flat of my own as long as it was on the rota that I came to his house and cleaned up after him and DS (he says he will always live with him if we part). I asked for help another time and he said that if that meant him emptying the dishwasher a few times then it simply wasn't going to happen. I work 3 days since DS was born but I've since increased it to 4 days after comments from DH about him working all the time to bring in all the money. What is normal?

Silly, do you want to mother a 3rd generation of lovable dicks? NO, you don't. So don't. Get out with your son (he will be yours-don't worry) and get back to your academic career and to mothering dick-head free.

This isn't normal, infact i would say he hasn't entered into family life at all.
My dh hasn't bathed our dc many times at all but other than that he has done his fair share of nappies, dressing, feeding, nursery runs and all the things you mention.
Some dad's don't do it it all and can be hands off but your man sounds completely unresponsive to a life he helped create.

It's quite sad really, he should be doing these things with you or atleast doing something for his child.
I would talk to him, this can't carry on. He is missing out.

He sounds like a spiteful lazy teenager! Get rid and do not engage unless he grows up, he can stamp his feet all he wants but not near you or your child. Pathetic bully gggrrrrrr

I get nothing from the relationship other than a comfortable financial lifestyle. There's no intimacy - hasn't been for years- to the point that DS was IVF as we just couldn't manage to DTD much. No kind words, hand holding. I couldn't even say when the last time was that we had physical contact of any kind. I earn a fair amount but he earns a hell of a lot more. There is also a lot (a massive amount) of money in his family which will pay for lawyers who could runs rings around anything I could afford (I could only also afford it for a v short time) but I am slightly confident that no court would give him DS (he would only give to MIL anyway). My freedom and knowing that my son won't have the same upbringings as we have had is enough.

That sounds tough sillybilly, no court in the land would give him full access to your ds. I don't think any amount of money could get him taken from you.

Get out. Sounds like you know it is the right choice. Get out and get a good and happy lifestyle for you and DS. You both deserve more and your DP deserves a hell of a lot less.

And yes, his threats to take DS are empty and quite frankly the last stand of a desperate looser who knows he doesn't deserve the life he has and doesn't stand a chance of hanging onto it.

Dh does all bath and bedtimes, equal night wakings and the vast majority of early mornings.

He didn't used to be brilliant around the house but now does all the washing and most of the washing up, and will soon be doing most of the cooking and shopping too.

Exh on the other hand did exactly nothing. I remember begging him, literally begging, to help me wash up after dinner. He just laughed in my face.

It's not normal.

Don't be intimidated by his family money. You have brains to burn. Don't waste them on trying to figure out this guy.

Put them to taking the money you need for your son from them and be done.

Thanks everyone for all your views. I'm pretty clear on things now. I'm going to have to go now as STBXH (!) is stirring upstairs and will be getting up soon (this is our holiday week with DS- he's using it well!). Since he sometimes monitors my computer I wil have to delete this thread. Thank you again everyone xxxx

Good luck - you're doing the right thing

Good luck silly! You'll be grand.

Leave ! I rarely say that but I mean it. He doesn't love you or respect you. There's no way he will keep your DC.

Please don't say your having sex with him.

Has he got a keylog on your pc?

Sorry just saw upthread that you don't dtd . He thinks your his slave.

OP please do leave, otherwise you will be living like this forever and modelling this for your son to follow in the future

you are already a lone parent .
he is no more than a relative or friend who "loves" your ds and plays with him for an hour at a time.

you wont lose anything by losing your h from your day to day life
nor will your ds

(if he steps up to regular visits great, if not well so be it)