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Original poster

Is it ever acceptable to 'pack in' a friend?

28 replies

saylavee · 14/06/2006 00:25

What if you never really had much in common with them in the first place, it's a chore to see them, they irritate you with their competitiveness which masks their insecurities, their dh is a complete tosspot and you feel compelled to shout like Pete off BB everytime their dh's name is mentioned
BUT
their insecurities make you feel awful for them, you know what they must have to put up with married to that w*er, they don't really have many other friends at all and they are lonely?

Is phasing it out by decreasing the contact a humane thing to do? If you were shagging that person you could just pack them in... 'It's just not working for me anymore'.... 'It's not you, it's me'.... 'You deserve better'..... etc.

OP posts:
WouldYouLikeFriesWithThatQV · 14/06/2006 00:28

Wow. Dont know what to say to that really.

notanotter · 14/06/2006 00:31

i have just eased off slowly from what sounds like the exact same 'friend'

Original poster
saylavee · 14/06/2006 00:35

yes I know: written down it looks cruel in the extreme. But last time I felt like this about someone it was a boyfriend (see below for how to terminate) or my nan, and family ties gave me the motivation to carry on with the visiting her, even though she was vile to us all and mad as a bag of snakes.

What happened with you notanotter?

OP posts:
lou33 · 14/06/2006 00:43

yes it is

as far as we know, we have one chance at being happy, so why surround ourselves by people who drain us, by choice?

just dont be nasty about it

nightowl · 14/06/2006 00:44

hmmm. depends on the full story.

if said friend treats you like dirt to the point where they make you very unhappy then yes, acceptable to pack them in.

but i dont see competitiveness and a crap dh as good reasons for breaking off a friendship. as for not having much in common, well sometimes thats the beauty of it. all my friends are very different to me, and each other.

why is it a chore to see your friend?

lou33 · 14/06/2006 00:46

if it is stressful tho then why continue the friendship, unless it is a temporary blip?

life is too short

nightowl · 14/06/2006 00:52

im just wondering why someone would suddenly want to stop being friends. surely the point of being friends is that you take the rough with the smooth (to a certain extent of course) ?

Original poster
saylavee · 14/06/2006 01:02

But I don't actually LIKE this person! I would never be horrible to her, but I do find her a drain on my energies.

I've got lots of friends that I would turn to in any given circumstance and I would there for them in a flash, but I would never confide in her nor would I ever ask for her help or advice. Other friends I have ask me why I let her speak to me the way she does and I'm at a loss of explain really, except I feel sorry for her. She's never outwardly nasty and I really don't think she knows she's doing it half the time, but she constantly makes comments that hint at her being in some way better or more experienced or more knowledgeable than me, ditto when comparing our kids. It's an irritant more than anything but I really can't be bothered spending the time, I'm getting too old for it!

and it's not sudden, I've never really wanted it. But I guess I've only just thought enough about it to do something about it.

OP posts:
lou33 · 14/06/2006 01:04

some friends you hang on in there for a long time and then realise that they actually are a drain on you and give nothing back, it becomes too one sided and that is a difficult friendship to sustain, because at some point you will end up resentful

those are the sort of friends you need to cut adrift

if you dont consider her a good friend, and dont confide in her, then why are you trying to keep it going?

Pages · 14/06/2006 01:04

I agree with Lou. I think friendship is all about how people make you feel when you are with them. I have had a few "clearing outs" of the phone book over the years and have always asked myself the same question and felt a bit bad. But the friends I have consistently stayed in touch with over the years are the ones who leave me with warm fluffy feelings after I have seen/spoken to them.

I have just unfortunately had a clearing off of my family rather than friends (on the SN site under "upset by family - please help" (sorry can't do links)and feeling a bit shellshocked. But I guess you have to be true to yourself, and if being with that other person stops you doing that, is it worth it?

lou33 · 14/06/2006 01:06

exactly pages

the firends i have around me now, who i consider close , i wouldnt dream of binning them if they were having hard times, but some just wear you down

they are the ones that need weeding out for your own sake

Original poster
saylavee · 14/06/2006 01:08

I keep it going because I feel sorry for her I guess and she seems to have very few other friends.

(But then I also ask myself WHY has she so few other friends? No school mates, no college mates, no girlie mates, no work mates, etc etc.) and in some ways that explains a few things and then in some ways it makes me feel very sad for her.

OP posts:
lou33 · 14/06/2006 01:13

dont have a friend out of pity, it will never work

nightowl · 14/06/2006 01:21

thats true.

nightowl · 14/06/2006 01:25

i guess im feeling a bit guilty at the mo too because ive recently cut someone out of my life. someone ive been very close friends with for over 15 years. it had gotten to the point where she was take, take, take, me, me, me which was bad enough. but then i found out that in return for my ongoing support she had been badmouthing me and lying to me. even then, i put up with it but the final straw was when i got dragged into the split between her and her bf, for no reason whatsoever he decided a hate campaign against me would be a good thing and when she got back together with him, i had enough and said bye bye!

Original poster
saylavee · 14/06/2006 01:34

BUt you've got a good reason to cut this person out of your life and I don't think anyone would blame you. I don't have any reason other than she's a bit of a PITA and it's a chore seeing her, which sounds a bit pathetic compared to your problem!

OP posts:
nightowl · 14/06/2006 01:43

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kitegirl · 14/06/2006 07:46

how interesting... I am in the same boat. A wife of dh's husband, not nasty as such but just irritating, self-centered and very snobbish. How do you dump a friend? I try not returning calls but in the end I always succumb and agree to a lunch in a restaurant that I can't afford and listen to her wittering on about her 'staff' or how stressful her life is because she can't find the right shade of wallpaper for the study... aaarrgghh!! Does anyone of you see yourself doing the break-up talk 'I really don't want to see you anymore' - can't do it!

SSSandy · 14/06/2006 08:45

I think competitiveness is a good reason to end a friendship. Who needs it? It shows that the person is using you, they put you down and make themselves feel better that way. I think it's completely unacceptable behaviour. If I was ending a friendship for that reason, I would also tell the person why I'm doing it. It's entirely justified.

I've ended friendships just by letting them fizzle out. Just never have time or call back and it runs its course. I've twice told someone straight out why I didn't want us to be friends anymore.

What you have to be prepared for of course is that this woman will take offence whether you just faze her out or tell her point blank you don't want to keep in touch. If you have friends in common or bump into each other often, you'll have to deal with that. She may decide to bad mouth you or whatever. But frankly I don't see what positive value this friendship has, you're better off without it I think. Doesn't sound like you even like her. My friends are people I like, I wouldn't count anyone else as a friend, just an acquaintance.

toadstool · 14/06/2006 09:12

I'd hate to feel someone kept in touch with me out of pity - do you think she senses that, and that's why she's coming across as competitive? I think it's useful to think about times friends have binned you, and act according to the best (not the nastiest)way they did it - we've all been that PITA "friend" to someone else after all, haven't we? [she says, insecurely]

Tortington · 14/06/2006 09:14

stop considering her a friend and consider her an aquaintance that you see from time to time.

i had 2 quite close friends i packed in over the last year.

one for leaving me in a club whilst she slagged around with anything in pants...holding her coat and bag - cheeky fucker

and the other shagged anopther friend of mine - then they both proceeded to ignore me for months and i told them both where to get off - male friend said sorry he'd been a twat - female friend went off the deep end and made it my fault - i'm not sure how that happened but it wasn't my fault!

i just wouldnt go round to see them as much if they pissed me off so much.

niceglasses · 14/06/2006 09:22

I did this once to a couple of what had been very good friends but had come to cause more pain than joy. Probably different because its all tinged with sadness that they had been good friends but it had gone wrong and that I did tell them, not just let it fizzle out. I don't regret it, but it still makes me sad now and again.

Maybe cut down contact or invite her to things where there are other pple and she might meet some other friends if she is a bit lonely??

Original poster
saylavee · 14/06/2006 09:51

I think custardo hit the nail on the head - she's an aquaintance to me but I think (I know) she thinks I'm a friend.

...but if she really thought about it she'd see that there's a lot missing from our relationship that would normally go with a true friendship. She's not stupid - I think she knows she must be hard to be with and that's why there aren't many other friends around for her. I think she has other aquaintances too that she meets up with at playgroups etc and maybe she knows that this is the best she can expect. I don't know?!! I would just HATE to be in her situation having to come to the self-realisation that I'm not actually very well thought of by many people. How crucifying.

Maybe I should stop worrying about it and just see her when I see her. I just think goodly and righteous thoughts from a distance and make myself be nice and then once I'm there on the way to see her I feel really resentful of the time that will be spent being lectured to and, frankly, bored. She's certainly not a nasty person though. If she were it would be so much easier. If she ranted a bit more and faced up to a few more situations then things might actually get a bit better for her, but she glosses over a lot and doesn't want to appear too vulnerable. If she uncovers one crack, the whole facade might tumble down. I don't think, on reflection, I can do it. Maybe things will just fade away naturally.

OP posts:
madammykidsofmumchester · 14/06/2006 09:53

I have friends that drain me to the point where i take my phone of the hook so i don't have to speak to them. I have some great friends who i cherish and love and will always be there for, but the amount of people who i have supported who have given me f*ck all in return when I have needed a bit of a listening ear. If I didn't have some good friends I would feel terribly disillusioned, anyway my advice to you is that it is possible to wind the relationship down without being unkind, through cutting down on contact etc. i don't see any reason for the situation to turn nasty in anyway just be busy alot in response to invites etc, the relatuonship will then run its course. I really do sympathise with you its a horrible position to be in