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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this acceptable/normal?

58 replies

HongkongDreamer · 12/08/2013 14:14

I hate posting this online but i dont want to talk to anyone in RL incase of what happens. Ive been living with my bf for 2 months, been with him for 10 months and im quite young (bad start i know). Last night we had an arguement and he ended up pushing me around abit, this has happened before. I pushed him back (know i shouldnt of) when he kept doing it to get him off of me as he shoved me against the door at one point. He was crying after and said he was sorry etc and he wouldnt do it again.
However today he phones me on his lunch and starts shouting down the phone at me about last night and is just in a general bad mood.
Im wondering if this is the start of something bad and worried incase this is going to build up into something more than shoving.
I know this isnt normal and he isnt usually like this, its only since we've lived together that ive seen he has abit of a temper from time to time. But when he is shoving me and i say to stop he keeps doing it which is why i pushed him off of me.
Dont know whether i should break up with him over this or if i should wait and see if it happens again.

Thanks.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 12/08/2013 14:15

I imagine last time you waited to "see if it happens again".... and it did. You can wait again.... but it will!
You need to send him a clear message that it is unacceptable to treat you like that. You need to walk/kick him out.

TurnipCake · 12/08/2013 14:18

Don't wait to see if it happens again, you'll only be living in the stress of it in the meantime and for what? To be proved right that he's an absolute arsehole?

Viking1 · 12/08/2013 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuietNinjaTardis · 12/08/2013 14:19

Get out now. He will continue and get worse so leave now.

Amiee · 12/08/2013 14:21

Sorry but these things do not get better if he is this bad after only a few months in three years it could be much worse and by then you may be stuck in the relationship. If you dump him now and never take him back there is a chance he will mend his ways for his next relationship but let him get away with it and chances are you'll both be miserable.
Harsh i know sorry.

VoiceOfRaisin · 12/08/2013 14:21

Leave now while you have no real commitment (no children). He will not change. Often domestic abuse becomes really bad once the woman is pregnant. Don't wait to find out.

Incidentally, his shoving you is not acceptable. Ever. At all. Pushing him to him off you is self defence btw and you should not be made to feel guilty (by him) about it BUT you must act to get out of the situation. It's no way to live.

Do you have a joint tenancy? Can you afford to move out straight away? Do you have income?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Chubfuddler · 12/08/2013 14:21

I was where you are now 15 years ago. I'm safe now but what a waste of time. Get out now.

Original poster

HongkongDreamer · 12/08/2013 14:26

I could move back home (my mums on mumsnet, hoping she doesnt see this thread cause she'll have a fit). There is still 3 months left on the lease though, unless he found someone else to move in and i can move home or he moves somewhere and i find another flatmate.

OP posts:

happyhev · 12/08/2013 14:31

Pushing someone is physical assault, actually i think it's battery. You have every right to defend yourself using the minimum force necessary when someone attacks you, so you didn't do anything wrong by pushing him off you.

georgedawes · 12/08/2013 14:32

Run for the wind

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2013 14:37

I would go home and pay the next three months on the lease (directly to the landlord.)

If your mum is a true MNetter, she will be on her way to rescue you as soon as she realises it's you.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 14:37

how do you know that this isn't "normal" for this man?

you have only lived with him for 2 months

I would say he is showing you what he really is

go back to your mum's

swallow your stupid pride...you have made a mistake but fgs, don't compound it by staying for more domestic violence scenarios

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/08/2013 14:38

You are so smart to have posted here asking the question you did: you know this isn't acceptable. Listen to your gut.

Yes, breaking up is hard, practically and emotionally. But please, please realise that you deserve better and act to get out of this relationship. You can do it: the obstacles you rightly see (breaking a lease, sadness at leaving a man who is somtimes good to you) are not impossible to get over.

Like others here, I waited twelve years to see just how much worse it could get. It gets a lot worse. Please save yourself the extra years of pain and get out now. You can do it!

Whothefuckfarted · 12/08/2013 14:41

Leave now, today! Go back to your mums and forget you ever laid eyes on this chap. Tell your mum what happened and don't ever let him talk you round into getting back together. Ever.

Squitten · 12/08/2013 14:42

Definitely NOT acceptable or normal!

Tell your Mum what's going on and get out of there before he gets the chance to escalate it.

Walkacrossthesand · 12/08/2013 14:47

Absolutely. If he was really sorry he wouldn't have phoned the next day to shout at you. Heck, he wouldn't have shoved you in the first place. Go, prepare yourself for him begging/shouting/begging some more, then it will fade into the past and you'll have dealt with an abusive man.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2013 14:57

should wait and see if it happens again.
As everyone else has said - NO!
Do not wait and see if it happens again.
Of course it will and it will probably escalate.
Tell your mum what has happened so you can't go back into the relationship.
A MN mum will support you fully and help you stay away from this abusive arse!
Well done for recognising that it isn't right. That should set you up well for better future relationships.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2013 15:18

You might think that you can stop it happening again by avoiding doing whatever he's lying about saying you did to "upset him". But you can't, because sadly the truth is he thinks he's better than you and therefore it's his right to hurt and scare you if he wants.

Please leave.

treaclesoda · 12/08/2013 15:21

Don't wait, leave now. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and you don't have to accept it.

sparechange · 12/08/2013 15:24

Go, get out, leave, don't wonder, don't procrastinate.

You'll have people queuing up to tell you their stories of how they were in the same boat, and it always happened 'one more time' and then many more times. And probably got worse with each time.

I'll eat my hat if anyone comes forward to tell you it happened to them just the once, and then their partner morphed into some loving, kind and gentle man who never raised his fist or voice to them again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2013 15:27

Break up with him as of now, this is a complete deal breaker. Such behaviour too is often deeply rooted as well as learnt, he may well have seen violence as a child at home and is repeating the pattern.

He is now showing you who he really is and is testing you to see how much you are willing to put up with. He will do it again and in the meantime you modify your own behaviour not to set him off, however, anything can and will set him off. He is a ticking timebomb and such an abuse cycle is a continuous one.

Do not give him the satisfaction, leave now with your self esteem and sanity intact. It is easier for you to do this now as you have no ties in terms of marriage or children.

He will only drag you down with him otherwise and beat you emotionally as well as physically into the ground. You do not need or should have a violent man in your life. And they all cry and they all say sorry and promise that they won't do it again. But this is a lie that many abusers spout. I would argue as well that his tears were crocodile ones designed to manipulate you further.

This is at heart about power and control, he wants absolute over you.

SnookyPooky · 12/08/2013 17:49

I wish I had left after the first pushing incident. Instead I stayed for 6 years and at the end it had escalated to slaps, strangulation, harder pushing, grabbing and black eyes.
Please, get yourself away NOW.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/08/2013 18:35

Yes, break up with him.
To any apologies/promisses/begging/tears/other manipulations, (perhaps hold up your hand and) say "just tell it to the next one", and repeat infinitely as necessary. Being done with the relationship, you have no need to even listen to him anymore, which will include not listening to the cutting insults he will no doubt bathe you in when he realizes he will need to find another target to groom to dominate.

Nothing to second guess here, so no need to look back.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/08/2013 18:43

If you fear he may become violent for breaking up, you may consider making quite plans with your mum so you are not alone with him after telling him it is over. Others may be able to offer strategies for safety for what could be a dangerous time for you, such as move out while he is away from the home and then tell him (although he should be able to figure it out himself,and you do not owe him an explanation, or even an explanation that he will accept!).

Stay safe.

Roseflowers · 12/08/2013 19:16

My ex pushed me once during an argument. I knew I should have left then but loved him too much to go. The next time we argued he trapped me in his flat, punched me in the face and then chased me around for the next hour, hitting me, spitting on me, shoving me over and calling me a whore. If he's resorting to violence whenever you have arguments this kind of behaviour will probably continue and escalate, I can say from bitter personal experience :(

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