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Original poster

Is this acceptable/normal?

58 replies

HongkongDreamer · 12/08/2013 14:14

Hi

I hate posting this online but i dont want to talk to anyone in RL incase of what happens. Ive been living with my bf for 2 months, been with him for 10 months and im quite young (bad start i know). Last night we had an arguement and he ended up pushing me around abit, this has happened before. I pushed him back (know i shouldnt of) when he kept doing it to get him off of me as he shoved me against the door at one point. He was crying after and said he was sorry etc and he wouldnt do it again.
However today he phones me on his lunch and starts shouting down the phone at me about last night and is just in a general bad mood.
Im wondering if this is the start of something bad and worried incase this is going to build up into something more than shoving.
I know this isnt normal and he isnt usually like this, its only since we've lived together that ive seen he has abit of a temper from time to time. But when he is shoving me and i say to stop he keeps doing it which is why i pushed him off of me.
Dont know whether i should break up with him over this or if i should wait and see if it happens again.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
HongkongDreamer · 12/08/2013 19:28

I dont know if he'll do it again. Its only happened twice tops. Dont know if I am over reacting or not. He shoved me, I dont want people thinking I mean ramming me into a wall or anything. Just kept shoving me and against the door and wall.

OP posts:
Squitten · 12/08/2013 19:29

ONCE IS TOO MUCH.
ONCE IS TOO MUCH.
ONCE IS TOO MUCH.

Keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it. This will only get worse

Tortington · 12/08/2013 19:32

what type of person shoves another person into a wall?

do you do it to random strangers?

does he?

then, why is it acceptable in your home?

georgedawes · 12/08/2013 19:34

I've been with my dh for 14 years and he's never shoved me. It isn't ok, ever. It's the start of something awful. Just leave while you can.

maja00 · 12/08/2013 19:38

My DP has never shoved me. Never. Never even come close!

If this is what he is doing after 2 months, think what he'll be doing in 2 years.

This pathetic excuse for a man isn't worth another moment of your time.

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 19:40

Just get the fuck out of there tonight and go home to your mum.

The lease is his problem now.

If you are even thinking for a second of staying read all the threads on here about what happens when a battered girl friend stays.

Don't be another woman who is assaulted seven times before she leaves.

Go now.

IsisOhIsis · 12/08/2013 19:46

Once is infinitely too much.

This is not normal behaviour.

This is not acceptable behaviour.

You did not deserve it.

jelliebelly · 12/08/2013 19:51

No it is not normal
Even once is not acceptable
I have been with dh for 20 years and not once has he come close to shoving me - that's normal.
Get out now while you still have your sanity.

MadBusLady · 12/08/2013 19:52

I dont want people thinking I mean ramming me into a wall or anything

That will come later. They only get worse. Please listen to the ladies here who have been through it.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2013 19:58

I know this isnt normal and he isnt usually like this

Not sure how you know this for a fact.

Seems to me that this is exactly what he is like and you have simply not seen it enough times to believe it yet.

HahaHarrie · 12/08/2013 19:59

Run for your life!

This is your warning to end the relationship. Pushing is not on, and it seems he can't have a normal discussion with you if he has to ring up and shout at you. Dump and run is my advice!

Good luck OP!

Inertia · 12/08/2013 20:03

It isn't normal or acceptable.

Being hit/ shoved once is once too many times. It should never happen, ever.

Yes it will escalate.

He is clearly not sorry because he has already verbally abused you for what he did.

He isn't like this all the time because he'd be arrested if he started doing it at work, or to random people on the street. He chooses to violently bully you and will continue to do so for as long as he can get away with it.

Men like this are nice sometimes. They have to put on a front because women wouldn't begin relationships with men who violently abused them on first acquaintance. They have to draw you in somehow.

You should be telling people in real life, including your mum and the police.

Saffyz · 12/08/2013 20:05

You are not overreacting, and no this is not acceptable or normal! Please don't get into a cycle of "waiting to see if it happens again", instead get out of the situation while you still have the strength. Please tell your mum straight away - just pick up the phone now and ask her to come and get you. Don't think about the lease today, or anything else, just get yourself out of there to start with.

lachrymavitis · 12/08/2013 20:11

What advice would you be giving to a good friend in the same situation?

Save yourself a lot of hassle and heartache and leave. You seem unsure whether pushing is acceptable or not. It doesn't matter whether it's into walls or doors or around the room. It is not and is never acceptable behaviour.

Leave before it gets worse or you become more deeply involved. It will not get any better than this, only worse.

Please leave now.

MumnGran · 12/08/2013 20:15

Dreamer ....please listen to the women here.
If you could talk to any of the women hiding in refuges today, terrified for their lives that they will be found by their partners ....almost all of them would tell you that it started with "a bit of a push" or "a bit of a slap".
And almost all of them will have seen their partners in tears, saying they will never do it again... that they are so sorry.

Some women never make it to the refuge. They end up dead. Killed by the men who were never going to do it again, and who only started with a push.

I am not trying to frighten you. We just want you to listen. You posted here because you know in your heart that what he did is not right.
Good men don't EVER push. Against walls, doors, or anything else.
Good men won't shout at you down the phone because you had the 'cheek' to push back.
Good men don't ever to have to be in tears for pushing & hurting you ......because good men don't EVER EVER do these things.

It is hard when someone you love is dangerous for you, It is hard to manage those emotions, especially when you are young. Your mum will be able to help. Will be able to be there for you. She will also respect that you have been truly adult in seeing this man for what he is, and being grown up enough to walk away.

As soon as you safely can .....please pack your bags and leave.
Because you don't want to end up in a refuge - terrified.
And you don't want to be one of the women who didn't make it to a refuge in time.

MadameJosephine · 12/08/2013 20:22

I stayed for 8 years because what he did to me never seemed bad enough to leave. I wish I had left him the first time

It is bad enough. This man has no respect for you and it will get worse if you remain in this relationship

Please leave, let your mother know you are on your way and go

Mabelface · 12/08/2013 20:48

sweetheart, leave now or he will hurt you. I did the same as you and stayed and got hurt. my nose got broken, my head got punched, I got dragged by my hair and beaten all over. it started with being pushed. I left him when I was 20, after 4 years of beatings and it took me a long, long time to heal emotionally. go to your mum.

Hissy · 12/08/2013 23:23

Please tell your Mum. Please show her this thread?

If she 'knows' any one of us, tell her she knows we'll support you AND her in helping you through this.

You know this isn't right, you have to leave.

This man is seriously very dangerous. He's escalated so quickly, and is addicted to the power he commands by hurting and manipulating you.

Please let us help you? Please leave this man. Today.

MumnGran · 13/08/2013 07:58

Are you OK Dreamer ? Have been worrying about you.

Original poster
HongkongDreamer · 13/08/2013 07:59

Im ok, spoke to my mum about it.
Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
HongkongDreamer · 13/08/2013 09:01

He's coming off his anti d tablets...so that prob doesnt help.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2013 09:18

HKD,

And what did your Mum say to you?.

Is it his decision primarily to come off the anti depressants?. If that is the case that is not a good idea either.

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE, that's right NONE. I hope you get out before he further injures you or puts you in hospital. Do not kid yourself that this scenario will not happen to you.

mignonette · 13/08/2013 09:20

Im wondering if this is the start of something bad and worried in case this is going to build up into something more than shoving.

It is the start of something bad my love.

I think you know what you have to do.

I wish you love and courage to do it. Leave him.

MadBusLady · 13/08/2013 09:22

I never shoved anyone against a door and shouted at them for defending themselves when I was coming off anti-ds. Life is full of stress and problems to be overcome, there will always be things that "don't help". Most people don't react to them by becoming violent.

katydid02 · 13/08/2013 09:24

No, it's not acceptable and it's not normal. It's common for abusers to do something like that and then promise it won't happen again. It almost always does.
I wouldn't stay around to wait and see if it happens again, if you can get out then do.