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Original poster

fiance doesn't want children

34 replies

lostintheworld · 12/08/2013 13:49

I'm new on here and thought It might be good for some advice.
I have been with my fiance for 8 years, he is 30 and I am 26. We only got engaged last year after years of him telling me he didn't want to ever get married. He had mentioned that he wasn't sure about kids but never in any serious way and has always known how much I have wanted to be a mum. He also would have conversations about what our kids would be like, names etc. Until 2 months ago out of the blue he said he had decided that he definitely didn't ever want children.
This would have been enough for me to deal with except we were in the process of relocating to the other side of the world.
When he told me I explained how important to me it was an that I was now confused about being able to marry him. our conversations always go around in circles with me explaining how it has been my only dream to be a mum and him saying it wouldn't be right for him to give me a child if he didn't want one.

As I had already packed up, gave up my job and everything we are now relocated with this issue still unresolved. Every minute of the day it is on my mind and each day we seem to argue about it. I am far away from all my friends and family and dont know many people here yet. I just dont know what to do. Am I being unreasonable to ask him for this?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2013 13:54

I think it's a deal breaker for you to be honest.
He is telling you he won't have kids. You do want them so you now need to find someone who shares that dream.
You know what you need to do and you need some reassurance.
Well, yes, you need to get out if you can.
Have you bought a house together out there or are you renting?
If you don't own a house I would be booking a flight back to be with my family and friends for support and then get another job as soon as possible.
You are still very young so you have your whole life ahead of you. Do what's right for you and don't give him another thought.

MarjorieAntrobus · 12/08/2013 13:57

I agree with Hellsbells. You can take charge of your own destiny. Don't keep hanging on waiting and hoping that your fiance might eventually change his mind.

TurnipCake · 12/08/2013 13:58

If one of you wants children and the other one doesn't, there's no way you can compromise on this.

At 26 you have ample time and opportunity to find someone with similar values.

I was with a guy on the other side of the world once, it didn't work out and I took myself right back. If you need to relocate again, it can be done.

flowery · 12/08/2013 14:00

Are you being unreasonable to ask him for..what? To have kids when he doesn't want any? Yes.

He's made it clear that he doesn't want any, so if you do want kids, as you do, then it's got to be over, surely? Otherwise if you stay with him and give up having kids you'll resent him your whole life.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/08/2013 14:01

You would be very foolish indeed to marry him at this point. In fact, you really should be thinking about whether you want to stay where you are or move back.

He has the absolute right to not want children.

You have the absolute right to want them.

But you as a couple can't do both! So you need to choose.

A child has the right to be wanted by both parents and he's right that it is wrong to have a child that you don't want. It's not about how much you want a child - it's about that child's right to parents who want them!

For god's sake though, don't marry him hoping you can talk him round, or worse, have a little 'accident'. That would be grossly unfair to everyone, mostly any child born!

Difficult as it is, the best option for you is to say right, ok, we can't marry because I know I want a child and I want a child more than I want to be married to you without ever having a child.

It's a very painful decision to make. Whichever way you go, it's going to hurt.

Please don't marry him hoping you can make him give you a child.

notnowImreading · 12/08/2013 14:01

Don't marry him - this is a fundamental question and if you and he feel so differently on it you will not be able to have a relationship that is based on anything other than a massive sacrifice from one of you. It's setting yourself and him up for unhappiness. If you split up now I'm sure you will be very unhappy, but you will have time to recover, meet someone else and have children. If you stay together, marry and then discover as your biological clock really kicks in that you can't live with the sacrifice and eventually spilt up, you could find yourself out of time.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. It is a terrible choice to have to make. You are not being unreasonable at all to ask it of him but neither is he being unreasonable in feeling as he does. Either one of you would be unreasonable to stick your head in the sand and go ahead with the marriage simply hoping that it will all somehow turn out right without facing where your feelings may really take you.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/08/2013 14:02

An international move can be undone much more easily than a marriage to a man who does not want the same things as you.

It is obviously a very important part of your future OP. He is not going to change his mind, or at least you cannot expect him to.

I think you need to leave and find your happiness elsewhere.

Good luck.

AnythingNotEverything · 12/08/2013 14:04

You need to decide if you would be happy with him but without children. Is he worth it, or would you always resent him?

If children are more important to you, then I'm sorry, but you have to leave him.

I know how tough this is - DH and I went through this very conversation 5 years ago. I chose him, although I already had a DS from a previous relationship. You need to work out d this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds like it is.

MothershipG · 12/08/2013 14:05

I'm sorry to say this but it doesn't sound unresolved to me if he has made a considered decision and a clear announcement that he doesn't want children. Sad

The timing is bad but all you can do now is make your own decision, what do you want? Him or children? As you can't have both.

I left my ex of 10 years over this issue, he kept saying not now but maybe sometime and as I approached 30 I realised I couldn't wait any longer on the off chance. We split sadly but amicably and remained friends and I found DH (who was under my nose all the time Smile) and now have 2 DC.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/08/2013 14:05

That's a bit of a dirty trick, isn't it? Wait until you've burned your boats and are committed to move to the other side of the world before telling you something absolutely massive like "I know you've always wanted children but I've decided we aren't having any, so suck it up". Basically he got you to cross the world on false pretences.

I agree with the others - get re-relocated as soon as possible, so you can pick up your previous life where you left it.

Thurlow · 12/08/2013 14:06

There are some things in life that are a dealbreaker - and kids is one of them.

If you definitely wants kids, and he doesn't, then no matter how wonderful he is and how good your relationship is, it's probably not going to work out.

Please don't think you can marry him and he will change his mind. Yes, there's a tiny chance he might - but an awful lot bigger chance he won't.

Does he know how important this is to you? That it might be reason enough for you to end the relationship?

Original poster
lostintheworld · 12/08/2013 14:07

Thank u for your reply.
We don't own a house here, just renting. I have no savings of my own as put everything into coming here. Everything I own is now here and I wouldn't be able to afford to get it back. I feel embarrassed and stupid and have nowhere to go back home. It took me years to get my job and dont know how i could go through it all again. I love him so much but it kills me to think i wouldn't be a mum. Every time I see someone who has children or pregnant i feel sick thinking that wont ever be me.

OP posts:
flowery · 12/08/2013 14:13

Embarrassment you can easily easily get over, and stuff you can easily accumulate again if you can't afford to ship it back (and he won't help you pay, which he should imo) but neither of those are a good reason to stay in what will become (if it isn't already) a very unhappy relationship.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/08/2013 14:14

It is, Annie, isn't it. Totally shitty.

lost - that's not true (that it won't ever be you) you can choose to leave him and take a chance on finding someone else, someone who does want kids.

You can move out, save up and move back home, even if saving for that plane fare takes you two years!

There is no easy way out. There is no magic wand. Whatever you do will be hard, but you have choices. You just don't have perfect happy ever after pain free choices.

Life is utterly shit sometimes. But please don't get into the mindset of there's nothing I can do I am trapped this is forever - because that simply isn't true.

MothershipG · 12/08/2013 14:14

It sounds like you'll only end up resenting him if you stay together which will eventually kill your relationship anyway.

You can't make him want a child any more than he can make you stop wanting one, it's irresolvable. I loved my ex but knew that I wanted children more, it was the hardest choice of my life to leave him, but the best decision I ever made.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2013 14:23

Will family and friends help you get back?
I know mine would in your situation. They'd just want me to be happy and would help out.
Could you get back and move in with family or friends until you get back on your feet again?
There's always a way out, it's just finding it.

something2say · 12/08/2013 14:24

I think - lie down and cry it out re the fact that you have done this huge move to be with him, and now you realise that you are not going to be able to stay with him - so lie down and cry that out.

Then get up and work out what you are going to do next.

Some love affairs just don't work out, no matter how much we want them to. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole. No matter how much you want to or try, it just doesn't work.

Also maybe learn the lesson of not seeing what you want to see instead of seeing what is actually there - learn that early and it will save you heartache. He has said before he doesn't want children, but then gone back on that and led you on - I'd have called him on it, for it is fundamental to you.

Either way, here you are - but you are not alone, you just have made a huge change and have another one before you.

Can you move out and rent a room elsewhere? Can you join a gym, sailing, dancing, reading club etc for something to fill the time and friends to make?

Hugs xxx

LisaMed · 12/08/2013 17:24

Looks to me that he waited until you were stuck with him before saying no kids - so you didn't have a chance to get away. Now you are financially stuffed, socially isolated and dependent. He probably knew before, but chose his moment.

Are you able to work where you are?

kitsmummy · 12/08/2013 17:50

I would ask him to donate towards your flight home - after all he's shafted you as soon as you've moved your whole life abroad

expatinscotland · 12/08/2013 18:00

You need to ditch him, but you know that. Ditch him sooner rather than later. And the next time someone tells you who he or she is: listen to them and don't waste your time if they don't want what you want, there are plenty who do.

FantinesDream · 12/08/2013 18:04

I agree with LisaMed, I think he waited until he had you trapped and then dropped the bomb

In your shoes and your age, I would be making my way back home.

My DH has changed his mind regarding a second child and its something I am struggling to forgive especially as I am too old to find someone else. He too trapped me and I feel a lot of resentment towards him that Im not sure I will ever forgive

JessieMcJessie · 12/08/2013 18:05

He is a monumental arse for only announcing this after you arranged the move. He sounds like a pathetic little boy who was scared to move away without a fiancee in tow and so he stuck his head in the sand instead of doing the honourable thing and telling you the truth before you were cornered. At best he is thoughtless, but there are signs of horribly controlling behaviour here. You may feel embarrassed but compare that to how you'd feel if you never had children, it's not really such a bad thing, is it.

You are still very young and have ages to meet someone else who does want kids. Credit cards will get you through, money-wise- you need to cut your losses now and get yourself home to your family. Fortunately his being on the other side of the world will make the breakup easier. Oh, and in the long run you'll be much better off with someone you haven't been with since age 18.

Isetan · 12/08/2013 18:18

Now that you are on the other side of the world and have given up everything, he's suddenly definite that he doesn't want kids, yeah right. He's been stringing you along for 8 years! Trust me, this calculating, self cantered and manipulative man isn't someone you should be with, let alone contemplating having kids with. I suspect if you stood back and really examined your relationship this wouldn't be the only red flag.

When I broke up with my Ex and instigated the relationship postmortem to try and make sense of everything. I was horrified to discover that a lot of his bad behaviour happened in plain sight. I had dismissed so much of his shit because I had invested (child, mortgage, all my savings) too much.

You have reached the point where your losses would increase exponentially if you married him, don't.

Trills · 12/08/2013 18:20

^He has the absolute right to not want children.

You have the absolute right to want them.

But you as a couple can't do both! So you need to choose.^

I agree with Hec.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2013 18:22

I wouldn't even want children with someone who could do this to me. What a pig, waiting until you'd given up your job, spent all your money and emigrated before telling you he wasn't prepared to have children.

Now it's time for you to decide what to do. There's no point staying with him because your life with him won't be a life that fulfils you. Where would you like to live? Was the country you moved to his idea or yours? Do you speak the language? Are you able to work there? Do you actually have a job there?

How long have you been there now?