fiance doesn't want children

[lostintheworld]

I'm new on here and thought It might be good for some advice.
I have been with my fiance for 8 years, he is 30 and I am 26. We only got engaged last year after years of him telling me he didn't want to ever get married. He had mentioned that he wasn't sure about kids but never in any serious way and has always known how much I have wanted to be a mum. He also would have conversations about what our kids would be like, names etc. Until 2 months ago out of the blue he said he had decided that he definitely didn't ever want children.
This would have been enough for me to deal with except we were in the process of relocating to the other side of the world.
When he told me I explained how important to me it was an that I was now confused about being able to marry him. our conversations always go around in circles with me explaining how it has been my only dream to be a mum and him saying it wouldn't be right for him to give me a child if he didn't want one.

As I had already packed up, gave up my job and everything we are now relocated with this issue still unresolved. Every minute of the day it is on my mind and each day we seem to argue about it. I am far away from all my friends and family and dont know many people here yet. I just dont know what to do. Am I being unreasonable to ask him for this?

He does have the absolute right to not want children of course. But he didn't have the right ti string her along until she had moved and spent all she had and given up everything else in her life before he told her he didn't want children.

Leave him, OP.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

It is more likely that he has suddenly realised what he wants in life (perhaps the future has been brought more sharply into focus by the move) than that he decided ages ago that he never wanted children but decided to "trap" the OP in another country before telling her.

The other posters are right. It was very manipulative of him to only tell you when you'd moved all that way and left your job and friends behind.

I would make plans to leave as soon as you can. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to go. When he finds out you're leaving be prepared for him to suddenly say he's not 100% against having children but he's not ready at the moment or that he'll discuss it with you in 2 years. It's a stalling tactic not a change of heart.

Poor you - you must feel like your world had fallen apart.

But, you will pick yourself up, dust yourself down, find a different life for yourself which will give you the possibility of parenthood.

A life with your finance does not.

Dealbreaker. Sorry.

(PS - He sounds like a bit of a selfish man anyway - not committing to you even after all those years. Next time, you need to go by the Two Year Rule - if the relationship isn't going forward in the way you both want (i.e marriage/kids/pet dogswhatever) , you get out after two years of fun...)

You say he's your fiancé, but did you ever have a wedding date set?

I think you are on the point of lucky escape from someone who can appear to be moving towards the future you want but is actually doing no such thing. Just letting you think it's possible and so worth hanging on in there. But it isn't.

The bottom line is it doesn't matter what his motivations were or are: he is not suitable for you and you need to leave.

I know it feels like the end of the world, because I've been there, too. I was married to a man who decided, after our marriage, that he never wanted children, either. And had to go through a divorce, selling our home, etc.

It was awful. BUT, there was no other way. I wanted to at least try.

Start making plans to leave. And don't try to be noble or 'fair', if he gave you a ring, keep the fucking thing and sell it.

Cut your losses. Don't fall for the fallacy of sunk costs by settling for the only adult relationship you've ever had.

You want different things - so go get the things you want. You don't have to return here (unless your visa is based on being with him? Seems unlikely as you're not married?) but for god's sake, don't settle.

Those saying he deliberately withheld information until the OP had relocated, to be fair it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like he said it when she's resigned her job and packed but she still went ahead with the move.

Doesn't improve the situation as it is of course, but I think some posters are making a big and not especially helpful leap in terms of talking about the DP deliberately "trapping" the OP abroad, when we have no reason to think that's the case.

I know how hard it is to make that decision. I have had to make the choice myself. Could you live with the resentment that he kept children from you? I fear it would break you so essentially it is over already.

That aside. The selfishness of waiting until you had relocated to break this news is a dumpable offense on its own.