Dh pressing for toxic il contact with ils.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Me & my children at present are non contact with the inlaws. They are toxic people and so many things have happened to make me decide on non-contact.

Anyway tonight i have had the typical "mum isn't getting any younger" and "won't be here soon" speech probably mostly words straight out of her mouth rather than his thoughts.

I'm happy with the way things are but said i could just about compromise on "once every 3 month visit" to keep everyone happy but this time i would be the one calling the shots. I think this is generous considering.

Anyway he didn't shout or put up much of an argument but he said calmy he thought once a month would be a start, i said no it's too much.

How do i deal with this situation without going too far one way or the other?
I think once every 3 months has got to be better than nothing and it would lessen the trouble caused when mil visits. I said if i do go ahead i will be the one calling the shots and the rules would have to be adeered to ie the first visit on neutral ground and absolutely no fil present.
Dh said he would rather mil came to the house, i don't, it's awkard and i don't want fil dropping her off anywhere near my home.

What do i do?

I would go for neutral territory, and make sure you and dh have agreed parameters e.g how long you will meet up for etc, I think rather than having a longer term discussion about how often you should see her do one meet up on agreed terms and see how it goes and plan from there.

Thankyou red thing is i invited her to a one-off visit in May and ever since she has harrassed dh about more visits although it was agreed before hand it was just one visit.
Mil hasn't changed and i know this is only for dhs & mils benefit as the kids cba and neither can i, we see through it.

Tricky. I've said before that I really feel for your H here, as he is almost stuck in the middle, I know you try to support him and keep your feelings to yourself though. He really is stuck between a rock and a hard place at times. With your wishes and then the pressure from them as well.

I would try contact on neutral territory, a day out somewhere for H and MIL with them, with no FIL? Is that possible? But she has form for manipulating things and there could be every risk that FIL would end up there as well.

What would you like to do here if you could? What is the biggest issue for you?

I've not seen your other threads but I feel for you. How old are the dc?

I have just cut contact with my toxic impasse and I am fully anticipating dp trying to pressure me into letting him take ds there.

I would say if you have to see her then every three months is ample and definitely on your terms. If you agree to once a month it will soon cone down to once a fortnight. Stick to your guns from the start.

I know nothing about your situation except what's here. Based on that, I'd say, don't let them in your house, meet somewhere else, ideally where someone else is acting as host, so can determine who comes in and how long hey stay.

Could you compromise on once every two months to start with (away from your house)? The reward for MIL could be more frequent contact (if she behaves herself, no FIL) You wouldn't have to be there and could restrict again if she behaves badly.

He is well mired in FOG re his parents isn't he?.

This is a complete non starter as your DH is totally disregarding any boundary you care to set re the ILs. First you say "every three months" then he replies no every month. He clearly has no idea of boundaries does he?. I cannot see MIL sticking to any such arrangement and will ignore any of your wishes, she will use her son to get what she wants.

How did he respond to your assertion that once a month is too much?.

I would actually give him a choice - you and the children or them. Its that stark, where do his loyalties lie really?. I can get that he is torn but they have done him and by turn yourselves an awful lot of damage. He may never change now with regards to his parents, he is clearly far more afraid of them than he ever would be of you. He still wants their tacit approval, approval btw they will never give him.

You cut contact with these people for good reason so restarting contact may put your own recovery from them back years. Also your children won't thank you for yet again exposing them to such people either, they need positive role models and certainly not this toxic twosome.

Thankyou everyone, Dont i am wanting out off the situation what dh wants really, for everyone to get along. But it isn't that simple.
I know i am no way suffering what dh is but i also feel stuck because if i allow contact it may become like before and if i don't i will be heavily pressurized around birthdays, christmas and other days, and the woh is me starts.

Thing is ils where never happy before when we saw them once a week, couldn't even let us go on holiday without a forced dinner and christmas was always with them ruling the roost and making me lay out a dinner whilst they sat, made a mess and critised.

I'm willing to do the once, see how it goes and then 3 monthly with an increase into once every 2 months if things do change. But i don't have faith in that happening as i know she will not change. But once every 3 months i think will be doable but i know dh will not meet me in the middle here which i am hoping he will.

Basically i'm going to leave this subject until he approaches me again and i will tell him it is my terms or nothing at all.

Do not be browbeaten into an arrangement you seem clearly unhappy with. You cut contact with them for good reason. Another thing to consider is what if it all goes to pot again as it likely will and you end up cutting them out or wanting to cut contact yet again?.

I cannot readily see your DH agreeing to them contacting your family unit only once every three months. She will push for more and use your DH to do so. He needs to so badly find a spine but the problem is they've never allowed him to be his own person, they see him as the scapegoat for all their ills. They will not let go of their scapegoat easily and your DH has become too used to the role they assigned to him.

I know atilla i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. With being pregnant with baby no5, i don't need all this right now tbh.
Atleast this time he was calm, when i said no to once a month, he didn't really say a lot tbh we kind of just changed conversation.

I have even realised the once every 3 months thing could be beneficial to me if i deal with it correctly as it will stave mil on christmas day hopefully, if she has seen dc pre christmas, as it will birthdays etc as she then cannot use gifts as tool with dh.

I haven't decided precisely what i am going to yet, one thing though i will never back down on anything more than once every 3 months and if dh will not agree i intend to keep things the way they are.
I have told him if i should decide anything i will be directly phoning mil this time to lay down the law aswell as write a letter so she can see clearly if she spoils things it will go straight back to how it was-complete non contact.

As for not being there on these visits, it isn't an option. I must be there to protect my dc as dh is incapable of laying down any rules with mil, and i cannot take the risk of fil being there. Also if things are said to the children, dh will be oblivious to it.

Whoa pumpkin steady on. There's a world of difference between nc and monthly visits. I understand that it's hard for your dh but he really should be supporting you as a family unit in this. Ok so mil isn't getting any younger, how is that your problem?

Please don't be lulled into thinking that such contact will be enough for them. It's the start of a slippery slope. So you see them before xmas, pound to a penny they will still hold back dc gifts for the day itself. Do the dc really need these presents if they are being used as such a bargaining tool anyway?

I have tried to read through the posts so I must apologise if I missed this but can you please expand on how your in-laws are 'toxic'

You are right meery and now i have time to think about it, i know it won't work. Will keep quiet or change subject if dh mentions it.

crazy there are too many things to list but will mention a few.
Fil beat dh as a child, he has verbally abused my dc, attempted to take dc for naps in his bed when we used to visit. Mil allowed fil to beat dh, racially insulted my dd from a prev relationship on many occasion, manipulative, controlling and crys woh is me at every occasion.
The above is the short version, the rest is too long and can be found in some of my old threads.

Attila's advice is spot on and I think she knows your full history so much better than me. As I dip in and out of the stately thread.

Hopefully writing here has helped you see clearer. Very hard.

I agree, wait till he brings it up again.

I dont know the full story here but have had some experience and this is my take on these things .

Your cannot influence your husband and trying to do so will cause problems between the two of you . Id simply state that he is free to see them whenever he wants but he will be doing so alone , and not at your house . No wife in tow playing happy familys and certainly no dcs .

If he wont accept that i would offer divorce as a solution .

I'm with Atilla here.

You had your reasons for your decision.

Let him deal with them. Don't let him manipulate you. Consequently, he is also manipulating the DC. Very confusing for them.

Of course it's also another way for them (ILS) to get their claws in again...

Well, now I have....

OMG, going by your explanation to crazy I am even more convinced why you need to keep up the NC.!

I'm so sorry for what you have all been through.

please be strong. There was a reason for NC and it does not seem that things have changed one iota. Put yourself and DC first.

They sound absolutely awful. Huge sympathies from me, I had IL probs too.

Thankyou, i will to avoid any conversation about them now.
At most i would consider before christmas, say the 15th for example just to help dh and to avoid similar ructions that were last year, but even that i'm not sure on just yet.

An obstacle set to come, although far off is the birth of my baby, i can see there being true problems then as i obviously won't want to see mil just after giving birth like i did previously with my other children. If anything i will definetly have to compromise somewhere on that one, ie at 2 weeks post birth for example.
I think that and Christmas are the two i cannot avoid whether i see mil or not there will be problems.

I am going to wait for dh to ask again, and in the mean time come up with a plan to keep him sweet if need be. But i think anything other than the above is too way out for me to consider. I have even thought about quaterly visits, but as she lives in the same town i cant see dh or mil being satisfied with that.

I wish i could compromise but my sub consious is saying toxics will never see things the way us normal people do and nothing will ever be enough. Deep down i think dh knows this, but i think alot of this "she won't be here forever" etc are words straight from the horses mouth embedded into him. I have always wondered what goes on in mils phonecalls to dh, and i now see exactly "woh is me" and of course when your related to someone and they are "upset" you feel compelled to give in.

The good thing is dh is on long shifts at present and is happy in his new job which is a good few miles away, hence he is busy most of the time or sleeping so not a lot of time for mil to harrass him. Unless of course she knows the days inwhich he is off work, hope he hasn't been a sardine by telling her

It's hard because either way this situation can't be solved, i do wish however he would wake up and smell the coffee so to speak and realise his parents are not nice people. I know he won't stop seeing them & i have never stopped him but i hope one day soon he respects the decisions i have made regarding dc. He needs to start thinking of his own childhood and how he doesn't want the same situation for dc.

A question to you all that have been in dhs situation, when did you see your parents as toxic, at what age??
Dh is 30, is there hope he will realise and deal with things like all you do ?

He may never see them as toxic because it is 'normal' for him. Whenever I try to gently speak to my DH about his parents then he gets angry, outraged at me and storms off saying "My parents love me." He can't comprehend that they can love him but at the same time have mistreated him. Maybe he doesn't want to see it as denial is a more comforting state to be in.

Sounds to me as if your children need protecting from these people.

I would say he can do what he wants, but you & the children will never be a part of it again.

Easier said than done, I'm sure-but better than giving him false hope?

Just had a look at some of your other threads about your PIL. I think your children need to be protected from them, especially your eldest, I mean your pil have been horrible to her, how can your H justify their behaviours towards her?

Your ILs are not the problem, your H is. Have you ever considered that your H will never change and will always be trying to involve these people in your life and in the lives of your children.

How can you continue to have babies with a man who would expose his children to these people and who disrespects your boundaries. I'm afraid the "if he would only wake up and smell the coffee" hand wringing on your part gives him more opportunities. Your H sounds weak and manipulative and constantly defending your understandable boundaries sounds tiring. He knows that if he piles on the pressure you will eventually relent, my God he's already after the mile before the inch has been given.

One of the defining moments in my relationship with my Ex was the realisation that he overstepped my boundaries not because he didn't get it but because he didn't care.

Assert yourself woman! Show your kids that people who constantly overstep your boundaries are being disrespectful and you have the right and power to reduce your exposure to it. You and your H are powerful relationship role models for your kids, what lessons are you teaching them?

Thanks Is you are right i must stay strong and stick to my guns, for my dc sake if nothing else, and for my unborn baby.

It's all pressure if i'm honest as i wouldn't even entertain it if my dh wasn't asking for it. I think this all stems from pil pressuring him and then he pressures me because he thinks in the short term it will get them off his back, when in reality they will always be on his back no matter what i decide, as nothing is never enough.

With being pregnant too, this isn't the time for me to have added worry either and you are right, it isn't fair dh is loading this onto me on top of everything else. He must stop and if he doesn't he will have to accept things the way they are and if he can't he will risk losing me.