Dh pressing for toxic il contact with ils.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Me & my children at present are non contact with the inlaws. They are toxic people and so many things have happened to make me decide on non-contact.

Anyway tonight i have had the typical "mum isn't getting any younger" and "won't be here soon" speech probably mostly words straight out of her mouth rather than his thoughts.

I'm happy with the way things are but said i could just about compromise on "once every 3 month visit" to keep everyone happy but this time i would be the one calling the shots. I think this is generous considering.

Anyway he didn't shout or put up much of an argument but he said calmy he thought once a month would be a start, i said no it's too much.

How do i deal with this situation without going too far one way or the other?
I think once every 3 months has got to be better than nothing and it would lessen the trouble caused when mil visits. I said if i do go ahead i will be the one calling the shots and the rules would have to be adeered to ie the first visit on neutral ground and absolutely no fil present.
Dh said he would rather mil came to the house, i don't, it's awkard and i don't want fil dropping her off anywhere near my home.

What do i do?

So for him, his "quiet life" takes precedence over exposing his children to his toxic parents. You do know that is incredibly selfish on his part.

Why are you waiting for him to bring it up? Be proactive, tell him straight, it isn't going to happen and any attempts to persuade you will be ignored and then ignore him. However, I still get the impression that you expect him to spontaneously grow a pair, which without the "step the fuck up or fuck the fuck off" speech ain't gonna happen. If your serious about him losing you if he continues pressuring you then tell him.

I'm not having a go OP but I feel that you make allowances/ excuses for this grown man which further enables him.

I must stop making excuses, i know it is tough for him but he must realise i'm doing what's best. When he said about her not being around forever i said that is a silly thing to say considering she is just 60. It's a bit like when he got roped into doing a year of diy when pil moved house, it was because mil had said "fil will have a heartattack if left with it all by himself" this was 4 years ago, he is still alive......& dh did most of the hard graft whilst fil napped

...she is getting older, won't be around forever...

This is pure manipulation, as if you would sincerely mourn either on passing on....not. Sorry to sound so flippant, disrespectful, but their behavior has used up any respect/regard/"family duty" you might have had for them, yes? These sort of comments should just roll off your back, say "so?" And mean it.

Stick with no contact, you are getting older too you know, just about at the age (yesterday) when you stop putting up with all this crap from them. Life is too short. Give an inch, then you won't exist at all, let alone giving up a mile.

Tell your d (dysfunctional) h to pound sand. If you can not already tell from my post, I am on your behalf, so I hope you can forgive the heavy sarcasm.

Exactly manipulation, pure and simple, i don't get why he believes all this shit, she isn't on her death bed fgs. She is disabled with high blood pressure and obese but she has never been to hospital and isn't ill. She had many years yet and is no where near dying. Even if she is, why should i care, i'm not going to cry over someone who i hated and neither would the children. The older dc both said today they never want to see her again and my younger two are too young too care. Sounds horrid i know, but that's the way i feel

I divorced my husband on unreasonable behaviour and used examples of his manipulation and pressure to see the abusive inlaws . I think its a form of emotional abuse personally .

These people are nothing to do with you , if your dh wants to see them then fine , you dont have to . Its not right that your Dh feels ok exposing you to these people against your wishes . Your inlaws , and your Dh dont have to agree or see your point . They just have to respect you when you say No . Its up to you who you spend time with and i think he needs to respect that or fuck off .

Its my experience that while people from toxic familys are victims of abuse and manipulation they can also sometimes adopt these strategys very well themselves . Your going to need extremeley good boundrys here .

Unfortunateley for me im on my second set of toxic inlaws . This time around its this simple . I do not wish to see them and they are not welcome here under any circumstances . Any contact he has with them will not be affecting me in any way .

He currently has no contact and is aware of how they are . However his poor upbringing has left him with the some undesirable qualitys , ie poor boundrys , poor communication sometimes , and low self esteem . I have stated clearly what i will and wont put up with and there is no room for negotiation .

Thankyou fellon your post is spot on, although i don't like to admit it ie some people with toxic parents adopt some of the ways themselves.
Because whichever way i look at, i'm now being manipulated by my own dh, it's awful really and it upsets me he cannot just love the family unit he has without wanting involvment from them. I do wonder too whether it is jealousy on his part as my family are the complete opposite and are very much supportive of me and are in the dc lifes a lot. He doesn't done for a while but on special days such as christmas birthdays and the like i have him say why should he & dc see my parents if i won't let his parents into their lifes. He just cannot fathom pil are a complete different set of people and haven't caused any upset to dc so why should they miss out.

i have him say why should he & dc see my parents if i won't let his parents into their lifes

Thats childish and ridiculous . I would state that its completeley up to him and leave him to it .

I am not minimizing the issue with the inlaws , but i think the real issue is your Dh . He DOES get that his family are awful , its why he so desperateley needs you to go along with it so that he can pretend things are hunky dory . Your prescence with his family will dilute the poisen to some extent making it easier for him to cope with . Dont allow yourself to be used like that .

Your role will firmly be the bad guy in the family , and to some extent your Dh has probably played a part in that . Its highly likeley he hides behind you ie , its not me mummy , its pumpkin , she says blah blah blah .

These familys often produce men that are weak and childish . Have you read Toxic Inlaws ? For now , i would forget about the inlaws and focus on things with your Dh . Hoping he is going to change is not going to work , the only person who can change and put limits in place is you . What you accept will continue .

Well tonight went well, no mention of them at all. A nice evening was had, really glad i found mn or i would have never understood pil are toxic and i would still be seeing them every week too! I realised tonight i need to listen to you all as these people can't be helped, ever. Non contact was the best decision i ever made, yes at times i'm pressured by dh but things are much better now than they used to be when in contact with them.
I'm doing the right thing by me & the children, that mantra and fact of nothing will be enough for mil spurns me on. I coped for 10 months nc i will cope again even if it means dh being 'off' at certain times, it's much better than when he was 'off' everytime mil visited and my dc are protected from this evil.

I will stand strong and stick with what i know best-nc