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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so confused and upset with how my husband has been treating me.

28 replies

Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 16:52

I have been on and off MN for years but needed some impartial advice as I have no one to talk to, so I decided to come back Smile

My husband and I are at odds right now, we have been together for 15 years and married almost 10 of those.
We never argue, we bicker very occasionally but generally just get on with it. The last few months DH has had a lot of problems at work and is very unhappy there. I am looking for work now that our youngest is starting school full time this September. I have been looking for work, anything and everything, since the new year and had just one interview Hmm
I know that DH is frustrated that I seem unable to find any kind of work. He doesn't say but I can tell.
He wants to leave his job and is currently looking for alternative work also.

He seems to be picking fights with me, having sly digs at me and generally being awful towards me.
We had words yesterday but the kids were there so I left it as I did not want to have words/argue etc in front of them.

Since then he has been the model DH kind, attentive and actually nice to me which makes a huge change from the last few months. I however cannot seem to pull myself out of this 'funk' I have gotten into since yesterday. I can't appreciate his efforts, I actually think I don't want to appreciate them. I don't want to be around him, spend time with him or even talk to him. I do normally get like this, as childish as it is (I know), but after a couple if hours and maybe a trip to the gym and I've gotten over it. I can't seem to this time.

I really am sick of him blaming me for everything, and for having digs at me and bickering with me. We used to talk things out I am unable to talk to him now as anything I say is, in his own words, my fault.

I know he hates his job, I know he is not happy there, I am doing everything I know to find work. I'm taking two late night courses to get an IT and Maths qualification to make me more employable. I have registered with several job agencies and have applied for so many jobs I have lost count. Not just specific jobs but anything from cleaning and fast food to factory, retail and office. Literally anything Hmm DH seems to think that I should be able to walk into a job tomorrow Hmm

I am avoiding him, right now I could happily take the DDs and walk away from him.

I think I have changed so much that I can no longer overlook the way he is with me.

I need a bit of advice, I have no one to talk to, no friends, my family are just awful and I have finally started to get them out if my life. I get on really well with MIL but I don't want to talk to her about her son like that its not fair on her.
The friends I do have live away and are having a tough time with things themselves. Hmm

Apologies for spelling and grammar mistakes I am on my phone!

OP posts:
slipperySlip000 · 11/08/2013 17:51

Very difficult to 'advise' but certainly sounds like resentment on both sides, rightly or wrongly. Sounds as though you feel hurt. I think he only thing to do is clear the air with a good, honest and open chat. Can you arrange to have one of these with each other? Otherwise am not sure how you can resolve things.

Phineyj · 11/08/2013 18:01

Crumbs, does your DH not read the paper or watch the news? This is a very prolonged recession. It's hard for everyone to get jobs, especially people who've been out of the labour market for a long time. It says in this week's Economist that the jobs being created are mostly at the top end (professional) and the low wage/basic end. So not much in the middle.

I think the two of you need to talk, ideally over a nice lunch or dinner with wine, sans kids. If MIL is supportive could she babysit while you do this?

To be more optimistic, my DSis was in a similar position but she secured a suitable job this spring after years of looking on and off and being very despondent, and the change in her is amazing!

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:11

I'd love for us to be able to sit and have a good talk to clear the air. I have tried several times to broach it with DH but there are only so many times I can hear him blame me for any problems we have. I'm no angel but I know it's not all my fault.

I really don't want to broach this with MIL no mother wants to hear their child being spoken about in a negative light, plus she works 12 hour nights shifts I wouldn't ask her to babysit as well.

I will give it a couple of days to see if I can lift myself up out of this funk I'm in and see if DH would be more willing to speak to me about it all like an adult instead of flinging blame my way.

Thank youSmile

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Walkacrossthesand · 11/08/2013 18:16

So, if he's so annoyed with you for not getting a job, how does he think you should be going about your job-hunting? It's all very well (although it isn't, of course - very demoralising for you) for him to snipe about it, challenge him to tell you what he would do differently!

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:23

It's nothing direct that he is saying about my lack of gaining a job, it's more like little snide comments. TBH i sometimes Wonder if I'm being overly sensitive due to the fact I can't seem to gain employment, then he will go and say something and I realise he does think it. Maybe I am being overly sensitive and that is not helping matters!

I just don't know what to think sometimes!

Confused.com !

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Darkesteyes · 11/08/2013 18:25

If hes that annoyed that you cant get a job (and keeps showing this attitude) ask him how he would feel about you doing sex chatline work if he keeps on subtly or directly blaming you. Tell him there is always this option if it will stop him from pressuring you Wink

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:26

I don't seem to be making much sense do I!

My head is all muddled!

OP posts:
badguider · 11/08/2013 18:27

You're avoiding him because you haven't cleared the air. I'm not one for arguing much but that doesnt mean not communicating. you could say to him that you've noticed he's making an effort today and you appreciate it but you're still hurt from feeling like he's blaming you for not getting a job.
Have you discussed how you feel about job seeking? You sound like you're understandably a bit fragile about it - why not confide that in him?

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:28

Haha Darkesteyes, I would consider it myself actually, anything to bring in some money and help me feel less useless Grin

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 11/08/2013 18:30

He cant moan if you did do it Blue. Not after the way hes carried on. The attitude he has shown has now lost him his right to moan about it if you did do it.

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:30

DH is very black and white I cannot confide in him unless I want to hear his mantra 'deal with it and get over it'

I made that mistake after confusing in him about my PND, depression, OCD and extreme anxiety! I won't do it again!

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Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:30

*confiding

OP posts:
YoniMatopoeia · 11/08/2013 18:33

I am sorry to say this, but could he be having an affair?

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:36

I don't know!
It's a possibility I suppose.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/08/2013 18:36

If it's so easy-why hasn't he changed his job yet??

I think you need to tell him that rightly or wrongly, you are finding his attitude very hurtful/demeaning.

That is how you feel.

And what can you do to help each other?

Phineyj · 11/08/2013 18:36

Oh dear you are married to 'Powerpoint Man'. It is very tedious when you need emotional support and you get bullet points.

Can you pay a babysitter then? My DH is not at all chatty but sitting in a restaurant forces him to speak a bit. Car journeys can be good for heart to hearts too, unless anyone's likely to lose their temper.

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:38

He has been trying to find alternative work, he had a job interview last week and he is just waiting to hear from them. I had my one and only job interview a week before last and haven't heard anything so I'm assuming I haven't been successful!Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:40

I love the description if PowerPoint man, that has cheered me up no end Grin
That is DH all over, bullet points and everything Grin

OP posts:
BIWI · 11/08/2013 18:45

Next time he makes a snide remark, what will you do? Just ignore it and then seethe with resentment?

Why not try exploding at him?

(I appreciate this isn't going to be easy if the children are around)

Maybe he just doesn't realise how angry you are with him?

Maybe he just doesn't realise how upset the whole thing is making you?

I sometimes find with DH - who is master of the little aside - that being very angry can break through.

However, as I hate confrontation this is something that I rarely do. Like you, it chips away. But there's nothing wrong with a good old row, if you can get across how angry this is making you feel.

The other thing to do might be to ask him to help you with your job applications. (This is a bit of a passive-aggressive strategy, actually!). Given that he obviously knows what you should be doing, then ask him for his expert advice. See what he suggests, after you run through your strategies for finding work. Make him appreciate the efforts that you have been making to find a job.

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:52

I like the idea of going a bit bat shit crazy at him, I've never done it before, maybe it would shock him but even if it doesn't I suppose it might help me to get it out there instead if just internalising it and seething. I absolutely HATE confrontation, I tend to cry a lot and stumble over my words!

I am seriously considering it TBH.

Bat shit crazy is how I feel right now, expressing it should be good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:54

Gawd, I'm actually sat in the locker room of my gym after my workout because I don't want to go home Hmm

I want a bath and wine and maybe some chocolate!

OP posts:
BIWI · 11/08/2013 18:55

I appreciate that your MIL works shifts, but I would consider asking her to babysit - you could go out as well, and try and start the conversation in a more neutral way.

But if it leads to batshit crazy, at least the kids won't be around Grin

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 11/08/2013 18:57

Being away from the DDs is always a bonus if I'm going to end up being a bit bat shit crazy.
I will consider it but I hate to ask her when she works so much and only has the weekends to recover.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 11/08/2013 19:56

'Deal with it and get over it' - was that really his response to your health problems, or have I misunderstood? Shock

Deal with and get over is for when you stub your toe or get stuck in traffic jam. And even then it's a bit brusque. It is not any kind of loving, caring and respectful response to a loved one who has been ill.

Blaming you, and having digs at you when things aren't going well, is also very destructive over the long term. It sounds as if you usually swallow it down or work it off at the gym?

If you hate confrontation, I can imagine he's got the message that you'll take this behaviour, and not challenge him (not blaming you for this). So he's perhaps got used to doing this as a way to relieve tension. It's interesting that you got a 'model DH' after having words yesterday.

But it sounds as if you've suddenly reached a limit with this. Quite right too. I agree that it's time to call him on his behaviour.

Original poster
Bluesunnysky · 12/08/2013 05:51

Yep, that's how he deals with MH issues Hmm sad but true, physical Heath issues are a different matter entirely. I just don't think he copes well with talking about or dealing with MH issues, it seems to be difficult for him.

I don't even know where to begin opening a dialogue with him! What to say or how to say it. I'm quite scared as I don't know if I'm feeling a bit numb or if I truly feel the way I do. The thought of being apart doesn't upset me, it scares me as DH is all I've known for 15 years but it doesn't upset me. I'm scared that I am actually falling out of love with him, or I'm in survival mode and am keeping myself so numb to protect myself.
I don't want to do the wrong thing based on my current feelings and regret it later on. Am I making sense? It's been going round in my head these last couple of hours and I can't sleep.

Urgh I hate not being able to sleep!

OP posts: